I hate my own sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I get what you mean, PP, about the wife / child being an abstract, but I'm the same age as the wife and my child is the same age as their child, so I would hope that she could empathize a little more.

Also, I get that she was dumped in a shitty way, but they've been dating for one month. I have ketchup in my fridge older than that.

You made this about you. You need to work on your own insecurity and marriage issues rather than focusing your energy on your sister. She is an adult and manage her sex life without you.

Op doesn't care about her sister's sex life. Op hasn't mentioned a thing about her sister's sex life. Op is very concerned that her single and available little sister is playing house with a MARRIED man and father of a young child in the hopes that he will leave his wife and child for her after only knowing him for one month. ONE month.

Or rather, OP is freaked out about the same happening to her

When I was single I would not have ever knowingly gone for a married man and his butt would have been on the curb if I found out he had lied to me. I'll bet Op feels the same way about it. There are just some things that you do not do. I was definitely no prude but I did (do) have my standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I get what you mean, PP, about the wife / child being an abstract, but I'm the same age as the wife and my child is the same age as their child, so I would hope that she could empathize a little more.

Also, I get that she was dumped in a shitty way, but they've been dating for one month. I have ketchup in my fridge older than that.

You made this about you. You need to work on your own insecurity and marriage issues rather than focusing your energy on your sister. She is an adult and manage her sex life without you.

Op doesn't care about her sister's sex life. Op hasn't mentioned a thing about her sister's sex life. Op is very concerned that her single and available little sister is playing house with a MARRIED man and father of a young child in the hopes that he will leave his wife and child for her after only knowing him for one month. ONE month.

Or rather, OP is freaked out about the same happening to her

When I was single I would not have ever knowingly gone for a married man and his butt would have been on the curb if I found out he had lied to me. I'll bet Op feels the same way about it. There are just some things that you do not do. I was definitely no prude but I did (do) have my standards.

And? Apparently, OP's sister does not share your values. The real bad news for you is you don't get to tell other adults to live their lives by your moral code.

[Anonymous]

OP again.

I've already said why I feel for the wife and child (besides the fact that they're the wife and child), so I'll just refer the PP who said that I'm projecting because I'm scared this will / is happening to me, to my previous post.

PPs at 12:31 and 12:34 got it. I'm guessing other PPs did too.

I just don't think it's right to do this to anyone. I'm sad for my sister that she doesn't see that but I'm also angry with her because she doesn't get that she's participating in the destruction of a marriage. I held my best friend as she cried her way through her broken marriage after she discovered her husband's infidelity. She suffered, her children suffered, and even he suffered as a result. It's just not something you forget and, yes, it makes me angry that my sister could even entertain the idea of doing the same thing to someone else.

I understand what the PPs are saying about being too harsh on her. While she hasn't done anything so reckless in the past (that I am aware of), she does have a tendency to behave as though there are no consequences for her actions and this seems to be yet another example of such behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I've already said why I feel for the wife and child (besides the fact that they're the wife and child), so I'll just refer the PP who said that I'm projecting because I'm scared this will / is happening to me, to my previous post.

PPs at 12:31 and 12:34 got it. I'm guessing other PPs did too.

I just don't think it's right to do this to anyone. I'm sad for my sister that she doesn't see that but I'm also angry with her because she doesn't get that she's participating in the destruction of a marriage. I held my best friend as she cried her way through her broken marriage after she discovered her husband's infidelity. She suffered, her children suffered, and even he suffered as a result. It's just not something you forget and, yes, it makes me angry that my sister could even entertain the idea of doing the same thing to someone else.

I understand what the PPs are saying about being too harsh on her. While she hasn't done anything so reckless in the past (that I am aware of), she does have a tendency to behave as though there are no consequences for her actions and this seems to be yet another example of such behavior.

But she has done nothing questionable yet OP. She dated a guy, she like(s)d him and has just found out he is married. She is debating whether she should keep dating him, but is not actually still dating him. His marriage is already ruined, all through his doing, your sister was the unlucky means to it. It must be disappointing to know she did not immediately and equivocally put a stop to it. I get it. But it can get worse for your sister, and I would worry more about her than this guy's marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I've already said why I feel for the wife and child (besides the fact that they're the wife and child), so I'll just refer the PP who said that I'm projecting because I'm scared this will / is happening to me, to my previous post.

PPs at 12:31 and 12:34 got it. I'm guessing other PPs did too.

I just don't think it's right to do this to anyone. I'm sad for my sister that she doesn't see that but I'm also angry with her because she doesn't get that she's participating in the destruction of a marriage. I held my best friend as she cried her way through her broken marriage after she discovered her husband's infidelity. She suffered, her children suffered, and even he suffered as a result. It's just not something you forget and, yes, it makes me angry that my sister could even entertain the idea of doing the same thing to someone else.

I understand what the PPs are saying about being too harsh on her. While she hasn't done anything so reckless in the past (that I am aware of), she does have a tendency to behave as though there are no consequences for her actions and this seems to be yet another example of such behavior.

I think most of is get it. We don't condone your sister's behaviour, but still think your reaction is dramatic and over the top. You are posting on the internet, explaining over and over how you cannot believe she did this, blah, blah, blah. It's a bit much OP. Calm down.
so maybe your issue is your sister is at it again -- with the bad decisions.

[Anonymous]

Don't make this about you.

Lay your cards on the table: "Sister, it is really hard for me to hear that you are planning to keep dating a guy that you know is married and has little kids. I have such vivid memories of holding my best friend as she cried after she discovered her husband was cheating on her. I think about the pain that she and her children suffered. I feel awful to think that you are participating in a situation that is going to cause so much misery.

It's also really hard for me to hear because I am about the same age as your boyfriend's wife and my kids are the same age as his kids. I know this guy's wife and kids are totally abstract to you right now, but I wish you could see how much they are like my family. I think about my husband cheating on me, and it makes me feel sick. I know you would never do something like this to me, and I'm so surprised that you would do something like this to someone like me.

I have always known you to be [honest/caring/whatever], and this just seems so out of character for you. I know this situation is awful for you, too, because it's always hard to find out that you've been lied to, and I can't tell you what to do, but I am asking you to think about this guy's family and what his cheating is going to do to them. Ask yourself whether you want to be the person he cheats with."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is much younger than me (same parents, but just a very large age gap), and she just learned that her "boyfriend" of one month is married and has a young child. Essentially, the guy's wife saw the texts between her husband and my sister and called him out on it and then she called my sister and told her that the man she has been seeing actually has a family and she asked that my sister please leave them alone. My sister was initially disgusted, felt betrayed, and was saddened but, since then, the guy has called her on his work phone and "apologized" and said that his wife is a horrible person and he's moving out and my sister is the love of his life and he can't live without her. I initially felt bad for my sister but since that conversation with him, she is now saying things like, well, if he does move out, I guess I can talk to him and his wife is so terrible and blah blah blah.

I'm so disgusted by her right now. She has known this guy for ONE MONTH. I don't care what type of connection they have. He is married and has a young child. It's just so appalling. I can't even be near her. She sees me (same age as this man's wife) with my husband and my young child and the fact that she can even take this man's calls now knowing that he has a family is just so abhorrent to me. It just shows a total lack of self-respect on her part that she is even entertaining the thought of talking to someone who lied so much to her and who is, undoubtedly, going to do the very same thing to her eventually. To me, this would all be such a turn off. Not only that the man is married with a kid, but also that he is so willing to just abandon them at the drop of a hat because of a one month young relationship with some girl.

I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should try to talk some sense into her to get her to forget about this guy and move on or whether I should completely just wash my hands of it. I've already told her everything I wrote in the paragraph above. I asked her how she would feel if someone did that to me or to our mother or to her when she was older and married and had a child. I told her karma was a bitch and she'd be punished a thousand times over if she continued a relationship with this man knowing that he has a family. I just don't know what to do.

So, she hasn't actually done anything yet. She's saying that if he left his wife, she could talk to him, but is not saying that she is thinking about continuing the relationship with him while he's still with his wife. All she's doing is taking his phone call(s). All she's doing is not immediately saying she'll never talk to him again. And for this, you feel strong enough to say you hate her. She's in the process of making a decision. She hasn't even made it yet. And you're jumping all over her for not feeling exactly as you do.

I would tell her about your personal experience with your friend's infidelity, and how much suffering it caused. I wouldn't moralize or tell her what she has to do, but I would help her think through the ramifications--the kind of pain that infidelity can cause, whether she wants to be in a relationship with someone who treats his own wife and children so badly, whether she can really trust someone who lied to her about something so huge. She's processing a major shock, and you have the chance to help her through it, and instead you hate her because...she hasn't done anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I've already said why I feel for the wife and child (besides the fact that they're the wife and child), so I'll just refer the PP who said that I'm projecting because I'm scared this will / is happening to me, to my previous post.

PPs at 12:31 and 12:34 got it. I'm guessing other PPs did too.

I just don't think it's right to do this to anyone. I'm sad for my sister that she doesn't see that but I'm also angry with her because she doesn't get that she's participating in the destruction of a marriage. I held my best friend as she cried her way through her broken marriage after she discovered her husband's infidelity. She suffered, her children suffered, and even he suffered as a result. It's just not something you forget and, yes, it makes me angry that my sister could even entertain the idea of doing the same thing to someone else.

I understand what the PPs are saying about being too harsh on her. While she hasn't done anything so reckless in the past (that I am aware of), she does have a tendency to behave as though there are no consequences for her actions and this seems to be yet another example of such behavior.

I think most of is get it. We don't condone your sister's behaviour, but still think your reaction is dramatic and over the top. You are posting on the internet, explaining over and over how you cannot believe she did this, blah, blah, blah. It's a bit much OP. Calm down.
so maybe your issue is your sister is at it again -- with the bad decisions.

We AGREE with you, OP - I think a lot of us have either been in the situation or known someone in the situation. She is somewhere between 21 and 25. She thinks she is different than all of the other women on the planet. She is SO special that he is going to leave his wife for her!

I think we are trying to talk you down from ruining your permanent relationship with your sister over what is 99% going to be a temporary relationship for her.

This shit happens All.The.Time. And he is probably telling her that his wife is mean, crazy, won't sleep with him - whatever he thinks she needs to hear. She truly thinks she is special and different, and their relationship will not go down this path. His family is truly an abstract concept to her - she is focused on being better for him than his wife is. And yes, they have slept together and her feelings are involved. Focus on HER not getting hurt - ignore him and his family. She can't conceptualize hurting his wife and kids at this point in her life.

And God only knows what he is telling his wife...your sister isn't "there" yet.

[Anonymous]

People may do this shit All.The.Time. But Op knows that her sister is better than that.

The best advice is to get out of that situation. Let this man go home and talk to his wife about separating, divorce, child custody, staying together, whatever. They are the only ones who know what needs to be done with their marriage. If this man loves sis he will come back to her when (or if) he is free and single.

But this lying and this underhandedness needs to stop. There are plenty of young, single, available guys out there - focus on them for the time being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People may do this shit All.The.Time. But Op knows that her sister is better than that.

The best advice is to get out of that situation. Let this man go home and talk to his wife about separating, divorce, child custody, staying together, whatever. They are the only ones who know what needs to be done with their marriage. If this man loves sis he will come back to her when (or if) he is free and single.

But this lying and this underhandedness needs to stop. There are plenty of young, single, available guys out there - focus on them for the time being.

We KNOW. You missed my point - which is the relationship OP has with her sister. There is only so much that OP can say to her sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I've already said why I feel for the wife and child (besides the fact that they're the wife and child), so I'll just refer the PP who said that I'm projecting because I'm scared this will / is happening to me, to my previous post.

PPs at 12:31 and 12:34 got it. I'm guessing other PPs did too.

I just don't think it's right to do this to anyone. I'm sad for my sister that she doesn't see that but I'm also angry with her because she doesn't get that she's participating in the destruction of a marriage. I held my best friend as she cried her way through her broken marriage after she discovered her husband's infidelity. She suffered, her children suffered, and even he suffered as a result. It's just not something you forget and, yes, it makes me angry that my sister could even entertain the idea of doing the same thing to someone else.

I understand what the PPs are saying about being too harsh on her. While she hasn't done anything so reckless in the past (that I am aware of), she does have a tendency to behave as though there are no consequences for her actions and this seems to be yet another example of such behavior.

You can be 100 percent right and still act like a jerk. She is an adult. She gets to make her own decisions. You aren't the boss of her. Say your piece and let it go. If you can't, you are going to lose your sister.

[Anonymous]

OP, I bet, until today, your sister would have said that she would never, ever date a married man, under any circumstances.

I certainly said that until the day I found out that the guy I had fallen in love with was married.

I was reeling - devastated by his dishonestly, devastated that the feelings and hopes I had invested in him were all betrayed, and completely lost and lonely and confused. I had lost the person who I thought was closest to me. I had lost the vision of everything that I thought my future might be.

(And yes, we were only together about 5 weeks then. Cheaters are VERY good at conducting whirlwind, movie-star romances for short periods of time, sweeping women off their feet to escape the mundane, dreary everyday slog of a relationship.)

When he begged to see me to explain why he had lied, everything he said SHOULD have struck me as the bullshit we all know it is. His wife was emotionally abusive, but he stayed with her because her mom had had a terminal illness, and he didn't want to abandon her. They had no sex. They never really had a true connection. He married too young. She was an attorney and could be vindictive and controlling, so he needed to wait until he was better situated financially to afford a good lawyer to file for divorce. Etc etc etc. I now know it is all BS, but in that first 24-48 hours? I wanted to believe it all. I wanted to believe I hadn't just wasted all my time and gotten my heart broken. I wanted to believe that everything he told me wasn't a complete lie.

It took a few days for me to absorb what a rat he was and tell him never to talk to me again.

My suggestion to you is to have some empathy for your young sister. She's just been hit with an emotional 2x4. She's reeling and hurting and grasping at any possibility that her happy ending is still within reach.

I'd suggest just saying something like, "This rat has betrayed you and violated your trust -- you must be devastated. I'm here for you and I'm so, so sorry you are hurting. You deserve better. Please reach out to me if you need me in the next weeks; I know you are hurt and scared and sad."

I would keep the moralizing to yourself unless she asks your opinion. I think you can trust that she will come to understand what a rat he is. Just give her a little time to absorb the shock of it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People may do this shit All.The.Time. But Op knows that her sister is better than that.

The best advice is to get out of that situation. Let this man go home and talk to his wife about separating, divorce, child custody, staying together, whatever. They are the only ones who know what needs to be done with their marriage. If this man loves sis he will come back to her when (or if) he is free and single.

But this lying and this underhandedness needs to stop. There are plenty of young, single, available guys out there - focus on them for the time being.

We KNOW. You missed my point - which is the relationship OP has with her sister. There is only so much that OP can say to her sister.

And some things can only be said to a sister by a sister. It depends on the closeness of your relationship I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I bet, until today, your sister would have said that she would never, ever date a married man, under any circumstances.

I certainly said that until the day I found out that the guy I had fallen in love with was married.

I was reeling - devastated by his dishonestly, devastated that the feelings and hopes I had invested in him were all betrayed, and completely lost and lonely and confused. I had lost the person who I thought was closest to me. I had lost the vision of everything that I thought my future might be.

(And yes, we were only together about 5 weeks then. Cheaters are VERY good at conducting whirlwind, movie-star romances for short periods of time, sweeping women off their feet to escape the mundane, dreary everyday slog of a relationship.)

When he begged to see me to explain why he had lied, everything he said SHOULD have struck me as the bullshit we all know it is. His wife was emotionally abusive, but he stayed with her because her mom had had a terminal illness, and he didn't want to abandon her. They had no sex. They never really had a true connection. He married too young. She was an attorney and could be vindictive and controlling, so he needed to wait until he was better situated financially to afford a good lawyer to file for divorce. Etc etc etc. I now know it is all BS, but in that first 24-48 hours? I wanted to believe it all. I wanted to believe I hadn't just wasted all my time and gotten my heart broken. I wanted to believe that everything he told me wasn't a complete lie.

It took a few days for me to absorb what a rat he was and tell him never to talk to me again.

My suggestion to you is to have some empathy for your young sister. She's just been hit with an emotional 2x4. She's reeling and hurting and grasping at any possibility that her happy ending is still within reach.

I'd suggest just saying something like, "This rat has betrayed you and violated your trust -- you must be devastated. I'm here for you and I'm so, so sorry you are hurting. You deserve better. Please reach out to me if you need me in the next weeks; I know you are hurt and scared and sad."

I would keep the moralizing to yourself unless she asks your opinion. I think you can trust that she will come to understand what a rat he is. Just give her a little time to absorb the shock of it all.

BEST DAMN RESPONSE ON THIS WHOLE THREAD!! I HOPE OP IS LISTENING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

I get what you mean, PP, about the wife / child being an abstract, but I'm the same age as the wife and my child is the same age as their child, so I would hope that she could empathize a little more.

Also, I get that she was dumped in a shitty way, but they've been dating for one month. I have ketchup in my fridge older than that.

You made this about you. You need to work on your own insecurity and marriage issues rather than focusing your energy on your sister. She is an adult and manage her sex life without you.

Op doesn't care about her sister's sex life. Op hasn't mentioned a thing about her sister's sex life. Op is very concerned that her single and available little sister is playing house with a MARRIED man and father of a young child in the hopes that he will leave his wife and child for her after only knowing him for one month. ONE month.

Or rather, OP is freaked out about the same happening to her

When I was single I would not have ever knowingly gone for a married man and his butt would have been on the curb if I found out he had lied to me. I'll bet Op feels the same way about it. There are just some things that you do not do. I was definitely no prude but I did (do) have my standards.

And? Apparently, OP's sister does not share your values. The real bad news for you is you don't get to tell other adults to live their lives by your moral code.

But the good news, OP, is that you can take a break from sister if she decides to continue "the relationship." You don't get to decide for her, but you don't have to deal with her, either. You can go your own way. When sister resolves whatever internal conflict she has about letting go of a guy she's known for a month, you can welcome her back with open arms, forget the whole thing and go on with your lives.