How to decline being a bridesmaid in stepsister's wedding?

[Anonymous]

How big is the wedding and the wedding party? If it's small I would make a real effort to be the bridesmaid. If it's a bigger wedding and wedding party, it's much easier to decline the bridesmaid gig. Just have an honest conversation. Really excited for the wedding and making plans but finances are strapped and I also need to figure out logistics for small baby. Don't want to make a commitment to you I can't keep etc. etc.

Just keep in mind that some people are very sensitive and will get hurt no matter how you say something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of financial commitments involved in being a bridesmaid besides just flying out to attend the wedding. You'll need to buy your dress, chip on for bachelorette party and shower (even if you don't go), probably pay for hair and makeup the day of. Tell her with the new baby, you just don't have the time/energy/money to be a bridesmaid hut you'll try your hardest to attend as a regular guest.

--Average cost of a bridesmaid's dress is $150.

--The SS may or may not have a bachelorette party. Going to a club and having some drinks isn't that expensive. Sitting around someone's living room eating quiche and opening gifts for a shower isn't either. That's what most of these things are. Chipping in $50-$100 for each is a lot less expensive then buying a plane ticket

--As far a makeup and hair the day of, sometimes it's just the make up, and if it's not in DC or NYC it will probably be a reasonable rate. My guess is that it will be less then $100.

Some people don't have $350 in their budget for the above expenses. OP can very well be one of them.

OP here.. more like $800 for a flight ticket for one person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The baby stays at home with your DH. You fly out just for the wedding and be a bridesmaid. You let her know that financially you won't be able to make multiple trips, but of course, being there for the wedding is the most important thing.

Baby can't stay home; she can fly for free plus I will still be nursing occasionally. I see her so little as it is working full-time, I don't want to go 4 days without seeing her. Also, SS will want to meet her.

Why would you go four days without seeing her? Fly out the evening before the rehearsal (so you'll see her that day) or even the morning of the rehearsal day (so you'd see her that day), stay for the rehearsal day and wedding day, then fly out the next morning (so you see her that day too). Then you're only talking about not seeing her for one or two days.

Also, do you really think your stepsister would rather have none of you at the wedding than just you without the baby? The whole "SS will want to meet her" is a flimsy excuse.

When is the wedding?

I'm definitely not going without DD. Someone just commented that she could stay home with DH but she won't.

The main question is if it's tacky to decline being a bridesmaid but attending the wedding nonetheless.

Yes, yes it is. You are selfish.

+100000

My SIL did this to me, and while it is not life-changing, I never forgot the rudeness of it. Also, SIL's behavior announced, unite early in the family relationship, that SIL had quiet refined the role of "TAKER". OP, be a grown up and do it for family.

Sorry, what exactly did your SIL do to you?

[Anonymous]

Didn't read all the replies, but I can't pass up the opportuntiy to say I've never understood why anyone expects brides maids to pay for anything other than maybe the dress. Thogh I've been in plenty of weddings in which the bride bought the dresses for all brides maids. That seems pretty logical to me. Bride chooses the dress, bride buys the dress. Then again, I wear it so I can see why it makes sense for me to pay for it. Short of that, if close friends/ birdes maids want to throw a party/shower for the bride, that is THEIR decision, not the brides. Ok, I've said my piece.

[Anonymous]

You go. You go alone. You thank her graciously for thinking to ask you to be a bridesmaid. Be the bridesmaid. Op. If money would REALLY prevent this, talk to the step-parent, or the bride, or whoever is paying for this wedding. Work something out.

[Anonymous]

I don't get these strong opinions and accusations of selfishness for OP or her step=sister. It was a kind gesture, but unfortunately it's too big a commitment and you don't want to risk messing up her day. If you aren't 100% certain you'll be there, of course you cannot be a bridesmaid. You should try your best to be there as a guest and that's it. This thread is so full of unnecessary drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read all the replies, but I can't pass up the opportuntiy to say I've never understood why anyone expects brides maids to pay for anything other than maybe the dress. Thogh I've been in plenty of weddings in which the bride bought the dresses for all brides maids. That seems pretty logical to me. Bride chooses the dress, bride buys the dress. Then again, I wear it so I can see why it makes sense for me to pay for it. Short of that, if close friends/ birdes maids want to throw a party/shower for the bride, that is THEIR decision, not the brides. Ok, I've said my piece.

Same here. We even picked up the cost of the bride's maid dresses (2 - they were in the posh frock section of Filene's and they both liked them and ended up wearing them several times afterwards for various events). The people who threw me my showers did the showers. No bachelorette party either.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your step sister wants to acknowledge your family relationship, but you don't. Which is fine, but you should admit that.

I nursed until my kids were close to 3, but I still left each for an occasional long weekend when they were toddlers (including 15 months). Extended breastfeeding is awesome, but toddler can survive without it. She's not an infant.

You are looking for excuses not to go -- again, fine, but you should admit that.


+1. There's no reason you can't go by yourself for two nights. You could be away from your 15-month-old for 48 hours if you wanted to. You don't have to attend a shower or bachelorette or pay to have your hair and makeup done. If you wanted to be there to support her, you would. You don't, which is okay, but own it.


It's NOT a two-day trip.

Isn't it supporting her by going to the wedding? I don't have to be a bridesmaid to support her.

I don't know why you posted. You don't want to do it. You don't intend to do it. You won't or can't make any of the changes or accommodations necessary to do it. All of that is fine, but you don't seem to have a question or want advice. Just tell her no.

[Anonymous]

Are kids even allowed at the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why everyone is harping on you to be in this wedding. No one is obligated to be in a wedding, and your SS ALREADY ACKNOWLEDGED IT MIGHT BE TOO HARD FOR YOU. She has given you an out! Take it!

Exactly!

OP, this sounds like a no-brainer to me. Tell your stepsister that you're honored to be asked to be a bridesmaid, but with a small baby you cannot commit financially (or time-wise) to being in the wedding party; however, you hope that you will be able to attend as a guest.

I agree with all of this, but don't just "hope" to attend the wedding. Make it a priority. Is this your dad's stepchild? If DH can't come, maybe you could bring your mom to babysit. Really, you can find a way to make it work.

But no, I don't think you have to be a bridesmaid. Honestly, she was probably just trying to be nice. I doubt she will be upset if you decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It sounds like your step sister wants to acknowledge your family relationship, but you don't. Which is fine, but you should admit that.

I nursed until my kids were close to 3, but I still left each for an occasional long weekend when they were toddlers (including 15 months). Extended breastfeeding is awesome, but toddler can survive without it. She's not an infant.

You are looking for excuses not to go -- again, fine, but you should admit that.


+1. There's no reason you can't go by yourself for two nights. You could be away from your 15-month-old for 48 hours if you wanted to. You don't have to attend a shower or bachelorette or pay to have your hair and makeup done. If you wanted to be there to support her, you would. You don't, which is okay, but own it.


It's NOT a two-day trip.

Isn't it supporting her by going to the wedding? I don't have to be a bridesmaid to support her.

I don't know why you posted. You don't want to do it. You don't intend to do it. You won't or can't make any of the changes or accommodations necessary to do it. All of that is fine, but you don't seem to have a question or want advice. Just tell her no.

omg what is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It sounds like your step sister wants to acknowledge your family relationship, but you don't. Which is fine, but you should admit that.

I nursed until my kids were close to 3, but I still left each for an occasional long weekend when they were toddlers (including 15 months). Extended breastfeeding is awesome, but toddler can survive without it. She's not an infant.

You are looking for excuses not to go -- again, fine, but you should admit that.


+1. There's no reason you can't go by yourself for two nights. You could be away from your 15-month-old for 48 hours if you wanted to. You don't have to attend a shower or bachelorette or pay to have your hair and makeup done. If you wanted to be there to support her, you would. You don't, which is okay, but own it.


It's NOT a two-day trip.

Isn't it supporting her by going to the wedding? I don't have to be a bridesmaid to support her.

I don't know why you posted. You don't want to do it. You don't intend to do it. You won't or can't make any of the changes or accommodations necessary to do it. All of that is fine, but you don't seem to have a question or want advice. Just tell her no.

If you read her post, she is asking how to decline, not how to make it work. Your suggestions are great for someone who really wants to go and be a bridesmaid at this wedding and is trying to make it work. You are right that OP wants to be a guest at this wedding only and wants to know how to convey that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why everyone is harping on you to be in this wedding. No one is obligated to be in a wedding, and your SS ALREADY ACKNOWLEDGED IT MIGHT BE TOO HARD FOR YOU. She has given you an out! Take it!

Exactly!

OP, this sounds like a no-brainer to me. Tell your stepsister that you're honored to be asked to be a bridesmaid, but with a small baby you cannot commit financially (or time-wise) to being in the wedding party; however, you hope that you will be able to attend as a guest.

I agree with all of this, but don't just "hope" to attend the wedding. Make it a priority. Is this your dad's stepchild? If DH can't come, maybe you could bring your mom to babysit. Really, you can find a way to make it work.

But no, I don't think you have to be a bridesmaid. Honestly, she was probably just trying to be nice. I doubt she will be upset if you decline.

+1.
She will probably be relieved if you decline to be a bridesmaid but try to come to the wedding.
People made some very good suggestions on how to word it. She gave you an out. Just tell her you are thrilled to be selected and you are sure she probably had to cut close friends who live nearby in order to select you. Tell her how honored you are, but with the baby and the distance it won't be the full experience, and she should use your spot for a close friend who can do all the bridesmaidy events.

What a relief.

And I had people close to me who couldn't come to my wedding for various reasons. I was not "hurt". You see them other times, during your marriage, which is more important than the wedding. You still love them.

[Anonymous]

I feel like there's not enough info to give advice.
Are there likely half a dozen bridesmaids? If so, declining is no problem.
If you are one of two or three, well then, that's different.
$1000 bucks or whatever is a lot to attend a wedding. But if this is a member of your family who will be part of your life for the remainder of your life, you might want to suck up the cost.
I had three bridesmaids. I would have been hurt if any of them declined. No one is required to be a bridesmaid. But it is a huge honor to be asked, and for family members, somewhat of an obligation.
She did give you an out so you can take it if you want. But I feel like weddings are one of those events that people should really make an effort to participate in. They are a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Okay, it sounds like the only thing you'd be committing to is paying for a dress at this point. How much is the dress? Would you be okay about paying for a bridesmaid dress if you don't wind up attending?