How to decline being a bridesmaid in stepsister's wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your step sister wants to acknowledge your family relationship, but you don't. Which is fine, but you should admit that.

I nursed until my kids were close to 3, but I still left each for an occasional long weekend when they were toddlers (including 15 months). Extended breastfeeding is awesome, but toddler can survive without it. She's not an infant.

You are looking for excuses not to go -- again, fine, but you should admit that.

+1. There's no reason you can't go by yourself for two nights. You could be away from your 15-month-old for 48 hours if you wanted to. You don't have to attend a shower or bachelorette or pay to have your hair and makeup done. If you wanted to be there to support her, you would. You don't, which is okay, but own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your step sister wants to acknowledge your family relationship, but you don't. Which is fine, but you should admit that.

I nursed until my kids were close to 3, but I still left each for an occasional long weekend when they were toddlers (including 15 months). Extended breastfeeding is awesome, but toddler can survive without it. She's not an infant.

You are looking for excuses not to go -- again, fine, but you should admit that.

I'm not looking for excuses to not go. Again, someone mentioned going WITHOUT DD and I said I wouldn't because I'm nursing.

Also, how did you go days without relieving yourself? Did you just pump and dump? Or can you go days without pumping/nursing without any discomfort?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your step sister wants to acknowledge your family relationship, but you don't. Which is fine, but you should admit that.

I nursed until my kids were close to 3, but I still left each for an occasional long weekend when they were toddlers (including 15 months). Extended breastfeeding is awesome, but toddler can survive without it. She's not an infant.

You are looking for excuses not to go -- again, fine, but you should admit that.

+1. There's no reason you can't go by yourself for two nights. You could be away from your 15-month-old for 48 hours if you wanted to. You don't have to attend a shower or bachelorette or pay to have your hair and makeup done. If you wanted to be there to support her, you would. You don't, which is okay, but own it.

It's NOT a two-day trip.

Isn't it supporting her by going to the wedding? I don't have to be a bridesmaid to support her.

[Anonymous]

You could leave the toddler home with DH and just bring your pump and be a bridesmaid.

If you go with just yourself and DD, it might be a bit too difficult to do all the bridesmaid activities unless you had some really helpful relatives.

Or DH could come.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why everyone is harping on you to be in this wedding. No one is obligated to be in a wedding, and your SS ALREADY ACKNOWLEDGED IT MIGHT BE TOO HARD FOR YOU. She has given you an out! Take it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why everyone is harping on you to be in this wedding. No one is obligated to be in a wedding, and your SS ALREADY ACKNOWLEDGED IT MIGHT BE TOO HARD FOR YOU. She has given you an out! Take it!

Exactly!

OP, this sounds like a no-brainer to me. Tell your stepsister that you're honored to be asked to be a bridesmaid, but with a small baby you cannot commit financially (or time-wise) to being in the wedding party; however, you hope that you will be able to attend as a guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why everyone is harping on you to be in this wedding. No one is obligated to be in a wedding, and your SS ALREADY ACKNOWLEDGED IT MIGHT BE TOO HARD FOR YOU. She has given you an out! Take it!

This. It is not rude or tacky to say, "I'm so honored that you've asked me to be a bridesmaid, but I'm afraid that with things as they are, I just can't commit to that. DH and I will do everything we can to attend the wedding, though."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your step sister wants to acknowledge your family relationship, but you don't. Which is fine, but you should admit that.

I nursed until my kids were close to 3, but I still left each for an occasional long weekend when they were toddlers (including 15 months). Extended breastfeeding is awesome, but toddler can survive without it. She's not an infant.

You are looking for excuses not to go -- again, fine, but you should admit that.

I'm not looking for excuses to not go. Again, someone mentioned going WITHOUT DD and I said I wouldn't because I'm nursing.

Also, how did you go days without relieving yourself? Did you just pump and dump? Or can you go days without pumping/nursing without any discomfort?

By 15 months you aren't producing nearly as much milk as when they are little. You can pump or just express a bit if it gets painful. It may not be painful depending on frequency of nursing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your step sister wants to acknowledge your family relationship, but you don't. Which is fine, but you should admit that.

I nursed until my kids were close to 3, but I still left each for an occasional long weekend when they were toddlers (including 15 months). Extended breastfeeding is awesome, but toddler can survive without it. She's not an infant.

You are looking for excuses not to go -- again, fine, but you should admit that.

+1. There's no reason you can't go by yourself for two nights. You could be away from your 15-month-old for 48 hours if you wanted to. You don't have to attend a shower or bachelorette or pay to have your hair and makeup done. If you wanted to be there to support her, you would. You don't, which is okay, but own it.

It's NOT a two-day trip.

Isn't it supporting her by going to the wedding? I don't have to be a bridesmaid to support her.

Still not clear why it cannot be a 2-day trip, but just tell her what you told us. She is obviously already aware of the situation so she will understand. But be ready to make a firm commitment to attending by the time invites are mailed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of financial commitments involved in being a bridesmaid besides just flying out to attend the wedding. You'll need to buy your dress, chip on for bachelorette party and shower (even if you don't go), probably pay for hair and makeup the day of. Tell her with the new baby, you just don't have the time/energy/money to be a bridesmaid hut you'll try your hardest to attend as a regular guest.

None of these are required of a bridesmaid unless a bridezilla expects it. Not all brides expect their attendants to host parties and getaways or get professional hair and makeup done. Maybe this bride just wants the honor of her presence and wants to demonstrate how much she values her relationship by having her be part of the ceremony in this special role, no other obligations required.

[Anonymous]

What does your parent say? The one married to step-sisters parent?

If it were my family, my parent would want me to be in the wedding, and they'd be willing to help pay for the dress and/or airfare to help make that happen.

Family means you move heaven and hell to be there. It's really sweet she asked you. Don't commit or even plan to throw money in for a bachelorette or shower (decline if asked). But show up in that dress the day of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why everyone is harping on you to be in this wedding. No one is obligated to be in a wedding, and your SS ALREADY ACKNOWLEDGED IT MIGHT BE TOO HARD FOR YOU. She has given you an out! Take it!

This. It is not rude or tacky to say, "I'm so honored that you've asked me to be a bridesmaid, but I'm afraid that with things as they are, I just can't commit to that. DH and I will do everything we can to attend the wedding, though."

This.

I'm guessing SS will survive not having OP as a bridesmaid. OP, do you know how big the wedding party is?
Skip being in the wedding party but go to the wedding if you possibly can.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's lovely that your stepsister asked you to be a bridesmaid, and I think you should try to do it if you can. Like you said, it's an unexpected honor, and that means it could be an opportunity for you two to get closer in this next phase of your lives. As your parents age, you might find comfort in being more significant parts of each other's lives.

Unless she is a demanding Bridezilla of some sort, I would encourage you to ask her what her expectations are in terms of the kind of support you can give. And I'd be blunt and just say, "I am so honored that you would include me in your wedding party and I want to be there for you and be supportive. With the baby and working full time, our budget is fairly tight, so I know I wouldn't be able to travel to you for a shower or a bachelorette party. Would it be okay if my role is just limited to the weekend of the wedding itself? And will children be welcome at the ceremony and reception, because I'll need to bring the baby, of course."

Your DD, at 15 months, may be a wonderful addition to the party (assuming they welcome kids). Assuming your mom will be there as well, couldn't she watch your DD while you stand up during the ceremony and during photos? After that, you should be free to watch her as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of financial commitments involved in being a bridesmaid besides just flying out to attend the wedding. You'll need to buy your dress, chip on for bachelorette party and shower (even if you don't go), probably pay for hair and makeup the day of. Tell her with the new baby, you just don't have the time/energy/money to be a bridesmaid hut you'll try your hardest to attend as a regular guest.

None of these are required of a bridesmaid unless a bridezilla expects it. Not all brides expect their attendants to host parties and getaways or get professional hair and makeup done. Maybe this bride just wants the honor of her presence and wants to demonstrate how much she values her relationship by having her be part of the ceremony in this special role, no other obligations required.

Exactly. I had friends who I knew it would be one huge party after the next. They weren't bridezillas, but their maids of honor were! I knew what I was getting into though and it was worth it to me bc the brides were such wonderful friends. My own wedding I honestly asked nothing of my BMs except to show up in a dress my sister/maid of honor picked out that my mother paid for. I only had three so it was doable. That's why I only had three...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your step sister wants to acknowledge your family relationship, but you don't. Which is fine, but you should admit that.

I nursed until my kids were close to 3, but I still left each for an occasional long weekend when they were toddlers (including 15 months). Extended breastfeeding is awesome, but toddler can survive without it. She's not an infant.

You are looking for excuses not to go -- again, fine, but you should admit that.

+1. There's no reason you can't go by yourself for two nights. You could be away from your 15-month-old for 48 hours if you wanted to. You don't have to attend a shower or bachelorette or pay to have your hair and makeup done. If you wanted to be there to support her, you would. You don't, which is okay, but own it.

It's NOT a two-day trip.

Isn't it supporting her by going to the wedding? I don't have to be a bridesmaid to support her.

But I thought the reason you didn't want to commit to being a bridesmaid is because you're not sure you can make it? And because of money? It is cheaper for you to go by yourself and buy a dress than take your family, right? I guess I don't understand.

Of course you can go without being a bridesmaid. I just don't understand your reasoning. It's that you can't afford a dress and to bring your husband and daughter, and you won't come without them? If so, tell her that.