How to decline being a bridesmaid in stepsister's wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your step sister wants to acknowledge your family relationship, but you don't. Which is fine, but you should admit that.

I nursed until my kids were close to 3, but I still left each for an occasional long weekend when they were toddlers (including 15 months). Extended breastfeeding is awesome, but toddler can survive without it. She's not an infant.

You are looking for excuses not to go -- again, fine, but you should admit that.

+1. There's no reason you can't go by yourself for two nights. You could be away from your 15-month-old for 48 hours if you wanted to. You don't have to attend a shower or bachelorette or pay to have your hair and makeup done. If you wanted to be there to support her, you would. You don't, which is okay, but own it.

It's NOT a two-day trip.

Isn't it supporting her by going to the wedding? I don't have to be a bridesmaid to support her.

But I thought the reason you didn't want to commit to being a bridesmaid is because you're not sure you can make it? And because of money? It is cheaper for you to go by yourself and buy a dress than take your family, right? I guess I don't understand.

Of course you can go without being a bridesmaid. I just don't understand your reasoning. It's that you can't afford a dress and to bring your husband and daughter, and you won't come without them? If so, tell her that.

She wants to know NOW if I can commit because they want to order dresses. It's hard to commit this far in advance since flights are mad expensive (I know they fluctuate). I don't want to commit to being a bridesmaid this early if there is a SLIGHT possibility we can't come since this town is in the middle of nowhere, essentially. I will do what I can (truly) to attend as a guest, but I'm just afraid of committing to being a bridesmaid.

Anyway, thanks for your help everyone.

[Anonymous]

Just don't be a bridesmaid. I'm done being a bridesmaid and will say no to all requests. If my sil asks me I will say no easily. My best friend is single and she's the last one I'll do it for.

I think sisters feel an obligation to ask. I asked my sil and my sister to be bridesmaids. My sister declined and it was fine. Sil didn't even want to get ready with us.

Can you ask your parents for help with the flight money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your step sister wants to acknowledge your family relationship, but you don't. Which is fine, but you should admit that.

I nursed until my kids were close to 3, but I still left each for an occasional long weekend when they were toddlers (including 15 months). Extended breastfeeding is awesome, but toddler can survive without it. She's not an infant.

You are looking for excuses not to go -- again, fine, but you should admit that.

+1

[Anonymous]

I don't understand what people are getting so upset about. It sounds like you WANT to go, aren't sure if you'll financially be able to swing it, and want to decline being a bridesmaid in case you can't make it. Right?

Two options:
1) Say "we have every intention of trying to make it out for your big day, it would mean the world for us to celebrate with you-- unfortunately, we're just not sure if we will be able to make it at this point, and I'd hate for you to count on me to be a bridesmaid and have to back out at the last minute. I'm honored that you thought of me, and we hope to be at the wedding, but I just can't commit to being a bridesmaid right now."
2) Say basically the above, but instead of declining, say "If there is a way for me to be involved with the wedding at the last minute --helping pass out programs, giving a toast at the rehearsal dinner, or even being a bridesmaid if it can be a last minute decision-- I'd love to support you in some way. I just know how stressful wedding planning can be, and I don't want to add any more stress or uncertainty to your planning process!"

I think you should absolutely be there if you can make it happen, and it sounds like you want to make it work. (FWIW, I do agree that no one will really care about DD-- I'm sure she's wonderful, but speaking from experience, other people care a lot less about your kids than you think they do).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your step sister wants to acknowledge your family relationship, but you don't. Which is fine, but you should admit that.

I nursed until my kids were close to 3, but I still left each for an occasional long weekend when they were toddlers (including 15 months). Extended breastfeeding is awesome, but toddler can survive without it. She's not an infant.

You are looking for excuses not to go -- again, fine, but you should admit that.

+1. There's no reason you can't go by yourself for two nights. You could be away from your 15-month-old for 48 hours if you wanted to. You don't have to attend a shower or bachelorette or pay to have your hair and makeup done. If you wanted to be there to support her, you would. You don't, which is okay, but own it.

It's NOT a two-day trip.

Isn't it supporting her by going to the wedding? I don't have to be a bridesmaid to support her.

Still not clear why it cannot be a 2-day trip, but just tell her what you told us. She is obviously already aware of the situation so she will understand. But be ready to make a firm commitment to attending by the time invites are mailed.

I'm an NP who regularly flies cross country with my preschooler. It's difficult to get a ticket for under $550 round trip. Additionally, you lose an entire day to travel going west to east. I leave my parents house in CA at 5:30 am for a 7:30 am flight. With layovers, time changes and delays, I get home at 9:00 EST. Going east to west, you can get a 4 pm flight that Lands you at 9 or 10 pm PST, but you still have to leave for the airport by 2 pm. You really lose most of two days just for travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your step sister wants to acknowledge your family relationship, but you don't. Which is fine, but you should admit that.

I nursed until my kids were close to 3, but I still left each for an occasional long weekend when they were toddlers (including 15 months). Extended breastfeeding is awesome, but toddler can survive without it. She's not an infant.

You are looking for excuses not to go -- again, fine, but you should admit that.

+1. There's no reason you can't go by yourself for two nights. You could be away from your 15-month-old for 48 hours if you wanted to. You don't have to attend a shower or bachelorette or pay to have your hair and makeup done. If you wanted to be there to support her, you would. You don't, which is okay, but own it.

It's NOT a two-day trip.

Isn't it supporting her by going to the wedding? I don't have to be a bridesmaid to support her.

But I thought the reason you didn't want to commit to being a bridesmaid is because you're not sure you can make it? And because of money? It is cheaper for you to go by yourself and buy a dress than take your family, right? I guess I don't understand.

Of course you can go without being a bridesmaid. I just don't understand your reasoning. It's that you can't afford a dress and to bring your husband and daughter, and you won't come without them? If so, tell her that.

She wants to know NOW if I can commit because they want to order dresses. It's hard to commit this far in advance since flights are mad expensive (I know they fluctuate). I don't want to commit to being a bridesmaid this early if there is a SLIGHT possibility we can't come since this town is in the middle of nowhere, essentially. I will do what I can (truly) to attend as a guest, but I'm just afraid of committing to being a bridesmaid.

Anyway, thanks for your help everyone.

I think you're looking for excuses not to do it. Even though your not close, I would. You can go for two days--fly out on a Friday and come home on a Sunday. Leave your toddler at home. If she's 15 months old now or will be then breastfeeding should not be an issue. You can always hand express in the shower, but it's doubtful you'll need to.

[Anonymous]

Dear SS,

I am so excited for your wedding! I am also really touched that you asked me to be a bridesmaid - it really means a lot to me. However, I'm hesitant to commit to the bridesmaid role, given the distance and the fact that I might need to fly out alone with DD for the wedding (and thus will need to be taking care of her for large parts of the weekend). Would you be horribly offended if I didn't participate as a bridesmaid? I'll still be there with bells on to share all my love and excitement - maybe just not in a bridesmaid role? Dad said you are thinking about holding it at the WooHoo Country Club. It sounds like it will be a beautiful day, and I'll be so happy to witness your and Bob's vows. Can't wait for the big day!
Love, Marla

So long as you two have a decent relationship, and she's a low drama person, I don't think she'd be majorly offended by that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what people are getting so upset about. It sounds like you WANT to go, aren't sure if you'll financially be able to swing it, and want to decline being a bridesmaid in case you can't make it. Right?

Two options:
1) Say "we have every intention of trying to make it out for your big day, it would mean the world for us to celebrate with you-- unfortunately, we're just not sure if we will be able to make it at this point, and I'd hate for you to count on me to be a bridesmaid and have to back out at the last minute. I'm honored that you thought of me, and we hope to be at the wedding, but I just can't commit to being a bridesmaid right now."
2) Say basically the above, but instead of declining, say "If there is a way for me to be involved with the wedding at the last minute --helping pass out programs, giving a toast at the rehearsal dinner, or even being a bridesmaid if it can be a last minute decision-- I'd love to support you in some way. I just know how stressful wedding planning can be, and I don't want to add any more stress or uncertainty to your planning process!"

I think you should absolutely be there if you can make it happen, and it sounds like you want to make it work. (FWIW, I do agree that no one will really care about DD-- I'm sure she's wonderful, but speaking from experience, other people care a lot less about your kids than you think they do).

OP here. Thank you for understanding!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your step sister wants to acknowledge your family relationship, but you don't. Which is fine, but you should admit that.

I nursed until my kids were close to 3, but I still left each for an occasional long weekend when they were toddlers (including 15 months). Extended breastfeeding is awesome, but toddler can survive without it. She's not an infant.

You are looking for excuses not to go -- again, fine, but you should admit that.

+1. There's no reason you can't go by yourself for two nights. You could be away from your 15-month-old for 48 hours if you wanted to. You don't have to attend a shower or bachelorette or pay to have your hair and makeup done. If you wanted to be there to support her, you would. You don't, which is okay, but own it.

It's NOT a two-day trip.

Isn't it supporting her by going to the wedding? I don't have to be a bridesmaid to support her.

But I thought the reason you didn't want to commit to being a bridesmaid is because you're not sure you can make it? And because of money? It is cheaper for you to go by yourself and buy a dress than take your family, right? I guess I don't understand.

Of course you can go without being a bridesmaid. I just don't understand your reasoning. It's that you can't afford a dress and to bring your husband and daughter, and you won't come without them? If so, tell her that.

She wants to know NOW if I can commit because they want to order dresses. It's hard to commit this far in advance since flights are mad expensive (I know they fluctuate). I don't want to commit to being a bridesmaid this early if there is a SLIGHT possibility we can't come since this town is in the middle of nowhere, essentially. I will do what I can (truly) to attend as a guest, but I'm just afraid of committing to being a bridesmaid.

Anyway, thanks for your help everyone.

Just tell her this. Easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your step-sister sounds like a thoughtful person who is aware of your family situation. I would just say you can't commit to being a bridesmaid because of finances and the baby, but that you will and your family will try your best to attend the wedding.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The baby stays at home with your DH. You fly out just for the wedding and be a bridesmaid. You let her know that financially you won't be able to make multiple trips, but of course, being there for the wedding is the most important thing.

Baby can't stay home; she can fly for free plus I will still be nursing occasionally. I see her so little as it is working full-time, I don't want to go 4 days without seeing her. Also, SS will want to meet her.

Why would you go four days without seeing her? Fly out the evening before the rehearsal (so you'll see her that day) or even the morning of the rehearsal day (so you'd see her that day), stay for the rehearsal day and wedding day, then fly out the next morning (so you see her that day too). Then you're only talking about not seeing her for one or two days.

Also, do you really think your stepsister would rather have none of you at the wedding than just you without the baby? The whole "SS will want to meet her" is a flimsy excuse.

When is the wedding?

I'm definitely not going without DD. Someone just commented that she could stay home with DH but she won't.

The main question is if it's tacky to decline being a bridesmaid but attending the wedding nonetheless.

Yes, yes it is. You are selfish.

+100000

My SIL did this to me, and while it is not life-changing, I never forgot the rudeness of it. Also, SIL's behavior announced, unite early in the family relationship, that SIL had quiet refined the role of "TAKER". OP, be a grown up and do it for family.

[Anonymous]

unite/quiet = quite

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of financial commitments involved in being a bridesmaid besides just flying out to attend the wedding. You'll need to buy your dress, chip on for bachelorette party and shower (even if you don't go), probably pay for hair and makeup the day of. Tell her with the new baby, you just don't have the time/energy/money to be a bridesmaid hut you'll try your hardest to attend as a regular guest.

--Average cost of a bridesmaid's dress is $150.

--The SS may or may not have a bachelorette party. Going to a club and having some drinks isn't that expensive. Sitting around someone's living room eating quiche and opening gifts for a shower isn't either. That's what most of these things are. Chipping in $50-$100 for each is a lot less expensive then buying a plane ticket

--As far a makeup and hair the day of, sometimes it's just the make up, and if it's not in DC or NYC it will probably be a reasonable rate. My guess is that it will be less then $100.

Some people don't have $350 in their budget for the above expenses. OP can very well be one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what people are getting so upset about. It sounds like you WANT to go, aren't sure if you'll financially be able to swing it, and want to decline being a bridesmaid in case you can't make it. Right?

Two options:
1) Say "we have every intention of trying to make it out for your big day, it would mean the world for us to celebrate with you-- unfortunately, we're just not sure if we will be able to make it at this point, and I'd hate for you to count on me to be a bridesmaid and have to back out at the last minute. I'm honored that you thought of me, and we hope to be at the wedding, but I just can't commit to being a bridesmaid right now."
2) Say basically the above, but instead of declining, say "If there is a way for me to be involved with the wedding at the last minute --helping pass out programs, giving a toast at the rehearsal dinner, or even being a bridesmaid if it can be a last minute decision-- I'd love to support you in some way. I just know how stressful wedding planning can be, and I don't want to add any more stress or uncertainty to your planning process!"

I think you should absolutely be there if you can make it happen, and it sounds like you want to make it work. (FWIW, I do agree that no one will really care about DD-- I'm sure she's wonderful, but speaking from experience, other people care a lot less about your kids than you think they do).

+10000

THIS.

Do the right thing and be supportive for family, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear SS,

I am so excited for your wedding! I am also really touched that you asked me to be a bridesmaid - it really means a lot to me. However, I'm hesitant to commit to the bridesmaid role, given the distance and the fact that I might need to fly out alone with DD for the wedding (and thus will need to be taking care of her for large parts of the weekend). Would you be horribly offended if I didn't participate as a bridesmaid? I'll still be there with bells on to share all my love and excitement - maybe just not in a bridesmaid role? Dad said you are thinking about holding it at the WooHoo Country Club. It sounds like it will be a beautiful day, and I'll be so happy to witness your and Bob's vows. Can't wait for the big day!
Love, Marla

So long as you two have a decent relationship, and she's a low drama person, I don't think she'd be majorly offended by that.

Yes - this.

I think she'll understand OP. You will try to be there but can't promise, and therefore you can't commit to being a bridesmaid, but you really touched to be asked. That's fine - genuine, honest, and thoughtful. She'll get it.

Don't worry.