Should I leave or agree to counseling first?

[Anonymous]

OP here...yes to the interviewer misinterpreting what he said and also some of the information he stated was incorrect due to his delusional state. We will be seeking help to write the appeal letter but we still have to wait for the investigative file before we can do anything. From what the counsel told us initially, waiting for the investigative file may take years. His current job has not raised this as an issue yet and we are just doing things to prepare in case they do. No matter what, we need additional information prior to his current clearance renewal, which will be in 5 years so we still have time.

The job thing is one major issue, but the fact that he could not avoid porn in general to help with the job thing shows that he has a porn addiction issue. We never saw it as an issue before because I don't have a problem with him viewing porn. Yes, looking at legal disturbing porn is yucky for me, but I agree with one of the posters, there are lots of porn fetishes out there so as long as it does not hurt anyone and it is legal, then I have no issues. What does bother me is why he would look at it if he finds it disgusting to some degree too. This is why I think there are underlying issues with him that is beyond a simple porn vs. no porn. Further, the fact that he was viewing on our family computer when we have a toddler that also watches cartoons on the computer is not okay.

[Anonymous]

OP- I hope that you've been fudging some of the details you've been providing-- it's a small town...even though it's not...

[Anonymous]

OP here...I do find it funny how people are so ready to tell me that I should never have had kids with my DH or leave immediately for something that he did over a decade ago when he was under-aged and when the internet was not regulated and so illegal things would just show up in pages you went to. I am not saying that I would not leave him or separate until he deals with his porn addiction issues but it does puzzle me that people are telling the other woman who posted about leaving her husband who works overseas that she is ridiculous. I would be appalled if my DH decided that his career was important enough to leave me with raising the kids and going overseas without consulting me. For that matter, I don't believe a general POA is that bad because when DH and I planned our living will, the lawyer automatically included a POA. If you trust your spouse, why would you not have a POA in case of emergencies. Anyways, but that is not the reason I posted my original question.

[Anonymous]

A general POA and a POA triggered by the conditions in a living will are two entirely different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...I do find it funny how people are so ready to tell me that I should never have had kids with my DH or leave immediately for something that he did over a decade ago when he was under-aged and when the internet was not regulated and so illegal things would just show up in pages you went to. I am not saying that I would not leave him or separate until he deals with his porn addiction issues but it does puzzle me that people are telling the other woman who posted about leaving her husband who works overseas that she is ridiculous. I would be appalled if my DH decided that his career was important enough to leave me with raising the kids and going overseas without consulting me. For that matter, I don't believe a general POA is that bad because when DH and I planned our living will, the lawyer automatically included a POA. If you trust your spouse, why would you not have a POA in case of emergencies. Anyways, but that is not the reason I posted my original question.

You no. I've never done this , but I'm calling Troll. No one can be this obtuse as to think you situation and the other are in anyway related. It's also a strange refrerence point to bring up.

Since claim to be a cyber expert you should know that even a decade ago circa 2005 illegal porn did not just randomly show up. Viewing illegal types of porn even as a minor is a big issues especially since his is struggling with it now. This is his issue to deal with not yours.
Believe me when I say there are somethings worse than divorce.
Right now the power is in your hands to do what's right by your children.
Eventually the day will come where you no longer have a choice in the matter, and I pray you are wise enough to do the right thing now and it never gets to the point of your kids being harmed and you losing custody of them permanently.

[Anonymous]

I no longer feel sorry for Op. No wonder he's looking at this filth again. His wife will just excuse it away. I hope your kids get taken away, before he turns his perversions on them
Sick family.

[Anonymous]

OP here...people are so judgmental. When have I ever said it was circa 2005. I said over a decade ago. Also, I never said it was still an issue and this never would have come up if it wasn't for the clearance issue because what happened was so long ago. Are you guys upset that I am okay with my DH watching regular porn that is not illegal. Anyways, he went to our work counselor today who agreed he has a porn addiction issue but the underlying issue is beyond porn but more of why is he using porn as a coping mechanism. This counselor is helping refer him to a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...people are so judgmental. When have I ever said it was circa 2005. I said over a decade ago. Also, I never said it was still an issue and this never would have come up if it wasn't for the clearance issue because what happened was so long ago. Are you guys upset that I am okay with my DH watching regular porn that is not illegal. Anyways, he went to our work counselor today who agreed he has a porn addiction issue but the underlying issue is beyond porn but more of why is he using porn as a coping mechanism. This counselor is helping refer him to a therapist. [/quote

Your OP :
am six month pregnant and we also have a toddler. My husband has a porn addiction and has looked at some pretty questionable things (e.g. bestiality). He has even gotten in trouble because of it. Seven month ago, he said he would change and he stopped for awhile at looking the questionable things but when there are stresses in our lives, he goes back. I just found out he started looking at it again. He has said he wants to go to counseling and fix his addiction issues, but at this point I don't know if counseling is going to do anything. Further, I just don't think I can trust him because his errors in judgement goes beyond porn. I am trying to decide whether to leave now or try the counseling thing. On top of everything, this has been a very difficult pregnancy in which I may have to deliver early. I just don't know what to do.

7 months is pretty recent no?

When it comes to kids and their safety damn straight I'm judgmental and I don't care whose feelings I hurt especially when that person is complicit in their potential harm!

[Anonymous]

OP here...7 month ago is when the clearance denial happened not when he looked at illegal stuff. That was way over a decade ago. I had asked him not to look at any porn 7 month ago to not hurt the clearance appeal process and he agreed but went back on that. He was looking at legal porn but some of it disgusting to me because it is bestiality.

[Anonymous]

That's so digesting. I would run! I can't imagine my child (or myself) being around someone that sick and perverted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...7 month ago is when the clearance denial happened not when he looked at illegal stuff. That was way over a decade ago. I had asked him not to look at any porn 7 month ago to not hurt the clearance appeal process and he agreed but went back on that. He was looking at legal porn but some of it disgusting to me because it is bestiality.

Do you not see the excuse you are making for him?
You are so far in denial.
WAKE UP!
It's fine to do stupid things when you're single or it's just you and your spouse you can't afford to be dumb and naive when it comes to your kids. WAKE UP!

It's sad and unfortunate if he was abused in the past, but it's not your job to fix him or sit idly by and hope for the best.

Your duty now is first and foremost the safety and well being of your kids. This has to be number one!

Not saying it will be easy, but the right thing to do rarely is.

[Anonymous]

OP if you are for real, you need to stop writing about this online. Get your things packed up and go by car to your mother's house and stay there. Divorce the douche bag, cite his deviances as reason for him not to have any custody or only monitored visits. Be done, be gone, for good.

[Anonymous]

OP here...like I said, bestiality is disgusting to me but it is not illegal. There are a lot of weird fetishes out there, just read the explicit forum. I also think that a lot of older folks are more conservative about porn and other issues. People younger generally are more tolerant to differences of opinion as shown on reddit boards. What I want is to help him with his anger and porn addiction issues. I still have not decided whether to do it together or separate because we have other issues than the porn addiction issue.

[Anonymous]

I watch porn. If he was a "I'm kinky and I get turned on by weird-legal-stuff on the internet" I would be a less worried than I am about a guy with an anger problem who deals with his anger by looking at porn that he finds disgusting. And I'm worried that in every post you (OP) seem to be doing more and more work to minimize and normalize his behavior. I think you should separate until he gets some professional help from someone with specialized training, and until you also do some individual counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...like I said, bestiality is disgusting to me but it is not illegal. There are a lot of weird fetishes out there, just read the explicit forum. I also think that a lot of older folks are more conservative about porn and other issues. People younger generally are more tolerant to differences of opinion as shown on reddit boards. What I want is to help him with his anger and porn addiction issues. I still have not decided whether to do it together or separate because we have other issues than the porn addiction issue.

If you had no children I'd say that sounds perfectly reasonable. What makes it completely unreasonable is you do have children. And you're not thinking of protecting them at all. Which makes you utterly disgusting.