Should I leave or agree to counseling first?

[Anonymous]

I am six month pregnant and we also have a toddler. My husband has a porn addiction and has looked at some pretty questionable things (e.g. bestiality). He has even gotten in trouble because of it. Seven month ago, he said he would change and he stopped for awhile at looking the questionable things but when there are stresses in our lives, he goes back. I just found out he started looking at it again. He has said he wants to go to counseling and fix his addiction issues, but at this point I don't know if counseling is going to do anything. Further, I just don't think I can trust him because his errors in judgement goes beyond porn. I am trying to decide whether to leave now or try the counseling thing. On top of everything, this has been a very difficult pregnancy in which I may have to deliver early. I just don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Both.
You need to leave him and seek counseling for yourself.
Bestiality and legal trouble related to porn are huge!

[Anonymous]

Leave, get counseling for yourself. If dh wants you back, and you'd consider going back, there would have to be very clear measures taken before I'd stay. But honestly... bestiality is reason enough to leave, and will take years, if ever, for him to heal and not be tempted to view that shit. If that's what you DO know about him seeing, I shudder to think what he's viewed that you don't know about.

[Anonymous]

I would separate while he gets counseling, than, AFTER he gets some individual counseling, you can go to therapy together to see if you want to word on it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you owe it to your kids, if not yourself, to at least try.

[Anonymous]

This is some serious stuff. I'd have DH leave, both do individual counseling, and maybe I'd consider joint. I'd be done, I think. I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you're going to seperate, doing it while the kids are this age is best.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused - is he saying you both should go to counseling, or that he wants you to hold off while he goes to counseling before making a decision? If the former - no way. The latter - maybe.

[Anonymous]

It depends on what other support system you have. The timing is kind of bad to be making major changes in your life while pregnant.

[Anonymous]

When you say he has gotten into trouble for it, what do you mean? This concerns me. Because guys don't generally get into trouble for watching legal porn.

[Anonymous]

OP here...DH is saying that he will be going to counseling himself. He would like for us to both go but he will go himself first. More than a decade ago, he downloaded some illegal stuff. He has not looked at that stuff since and he said before it was because he wasn't careful with his downloads back when the internet was not well regulated. I trust that he has not looked at illegal stuff since more than a decade ago but I don't trust other fringe stuff. He doesn't hide the fact that he looks at porn. The reason I found he looked at weird stuff again is because I was opening up the MPEG4 player to play a cartoon for our toddler and what he looked at last night was preloaded and so I read the title. The issue that I have is that he is addicted to porn and weird porn. He came home last night and deleted all the porn he has and all the bookmarks for websites he would go to look at porn. He said that this will enforce for him that he has an issue. He also said that he will go to counseling to address his porn addiction. He says he has been going through some rough patches and he feels lost and angry all the time. He felt that if he did something devious it would relieve some of the anger. I asked him why he would not go to counseling before doing something devious or why he would not just talk to me. He said that he doesn't know why and he is very sorry that he f'd up again.

With respect to a support system, I don't really have any locally. My parents are out of state and I plan on sending my toddler to them temporarily while I figure out what to do. What makes it worse is that I can't even fly to visit my parents and DS (my mom will have to pick up my son) because I have complete placenta previa so the doctor's has said that air travel is off limits.

[Anonymous]

I would worry about the other issues he might have more than the porn. He sounds like he might be a sex addict. Are you sure he doesn't engage in other compulsive sexual behaviors? I knew one guy with a porn addiction who was also going to glory holes in men's bathrooms. I think he went through periods when he was "good" and periods when he lost control of himself but his wife never knew what he was up to. She still does not know. The anger issue also sounds really bad. And did the illegal porn involve children? This is some scary stuff. Why is legal porn not sick enough for him? There is plenty of sick legal porn out there. I am sorry to say I would leave but that is hard to do.

[Anonymous]

If the porn is anything involving children, I'd be out of there like a shot.

If not, honestly think how you'll feel in a few years time. You can't know if your marriage will have survived at that point, but assuming, worst case scenario, that it doesn't: will you be embarrassed you gave him chance after chance? Or content in the fact that you gave it everything you had before you called it quits?

Regardless of what you do as a couple, personal counselling sounds like a good idea to help you through this since your support system is so far away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the porn is anything involving children, I'd be out of there like a shot.

If not, honestly think how you'll feel in a few years time. You can't know if your marriage will have survived at that point, but assuming, worst case scenario, that it doesn't: will you be embarrassed you gave him chance after chance? Or content in the fact that you gave it everything you had before you called it quits?

Regardless of what you do as a couple, personal counselling sounds like a good idea to help you through this since your support system is so far away.

It has to be. I cannot think of any other kind that's "illegal" except maybe snuff films.

[Anonymous]

So sorry that you are enduring this issue, most esp. right now during a difficult pregnancy.

Your husband does need help for his illness and yes, you should consider if you want to stay with him for the long-term.

However I would wait until you have your baby.

You need to focus 100% on your health now and that of your upcoming bundle of joy.

I know it will not be easy at all, however your first and foremost priority should be YOU and the BABY.

Then once you give birth, I would deal with the hubby.

He says he wants counseling for his addiction, but his actions speak otherwise.

I would take everything with a grain of salt right now, and once you give birth, I would most likely take a break from him.

Trust me...IF he actually does want to get help, it will be the longest road ever. There will be a ton of ups and downs, back and forth.

And the trust seems to have broken your marriage already, you will always be wondering if he is looking at porn which will zap your energy. That energy should be for your new baby.

Good luck to you and the children.

[Anonymous]

Ewwwww sex between people and animals! Disgusting!