Should I leave or agree to counseling first?

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have a counselor that you are seeing for yourself. You sjould have a professional who is listening to what you know and giving you an independent professional opinion on your DH's problems, likelihood of recovery and risks to kids. It's not appropriate to use your younger family members view on porn as a proxy for real help and information from a professional. Uou need your very own counselor to help you thread you way thru this mess.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in a similar situation not long ago. Have you read the clearance denial letter? If not, you need to. Read the actual letter, carefully.

Clearances don't get denied because of porn. They get denied if the TYPE of porn is illegal or possibly so shameful that it would make him a blackmail risk.

I am very skeptical about your H's troubling behavior ending over a decade ago. In clearance reviews, recent behavior carries more weight than old behavior.

Your H being incoherent and ill for his polygraph might have been because he was afraid his behaviors would come out in the poly - rather than him misspeaking due to illness. My XH became ill before his poly too.

I am concerned that your H may be rationalizing, minimizing, and lying to you. It's incredibly common with porn addiction, even with legal porn. It is this deep, dark, shameful secret they've been hiding for years. People confess only when "caught" and forced to, and then only to what is undeniable, and sometimes not even that. Later, as more is exposed or possibly with treatment, more might come out. But I doubt that what he has told you thus far is the full story.

My XH agreed to get counseling, and after a short while started cancelling his appointments. He still has not gotten treatment because he doesn't think he has a problem.

OP, I get why you don't want to believe this. I didn't either. I thought my XH was an honest, upstanding, nerdy-innocent guy. It was difficult for me to let go of that image I had of him for so long.

This is serious stuff. Ignoring it will not make it go away, and could put your kids at risk. If you stay now, it could impact custody of your kids later.

At the very least, you should consult with a family law attorney.

[Anonymous]

OP here...I am not trying to minimize his behavior and I am not risking endangering my kids. In fact, like my earlier post stated I am sending our toddler away to my parents. I booked his flight immediately after I found out he was looking at the bestiality porn again. However, I also wanted to set some facts straight and that is why I had posted the other things. Now, I see that I had violated one of my most important rules about the internet, which is not to argue with someone on the internet. I am very angry at him and I am upset that we did not recognize this as a porn addiction problem earlier, before we had kids. He has asked me to not decide on the separation until he goes to his first therapy session which is in a couple of weeks. I decided that I want to speak to a counselor first too so I am hoping to get an appointment within the next few days.

[Anonymous]

Also, he never took a polygraph. He offered to at the interview when the interviewer asked and he offered all the computers/phones we have to prove that he is not doing this anymore but they just straight out denied the clearance without doing any of that. After seeing the counsel, we found out because of the Snowden thing, he has seen a sharp rise in clearance denials. Since I was at the counsel meeting, I know my DH did not make up what the counsel said.

[Anonymous]

What are your sister's credentials? Why would you have shared this with your sister? Are you just looking for anyone to agree that this somehow isn't a deal breaker?

You don't think that examiners are trained to assess all types of people?Sure they take a "where there's smoke there's fire" approach with questioning but fake-sick or real-sick they know how to conduct a valid interview, with or without polygraph. He either told the truth or he evaded. OOps. I agree with the PP- get your hands on the minutes of the interview/assessment. Not to fight it but so that you can stop covering and lying to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...like I said, bestiality is disgusting to me but it is not illegal. There are a lot of weird fetishes out there, just read the explicit forum. I also think that a lot of older folks are more conservative about porn and other issues. People younger generally are more tolerant to differences of opinion as shown on reddit boards. What I want is to help him with his anger and porn addiction issues. I still have not decided whether to do it together or separate because we have other issues than the porn addiction issue.

I am so concerned for you. It is, in fact illegal. I am concerned for anyone who doesn't know/recognize this.

We get it- you're staying with this individual. Good luck with this.