Should I leave or agree to counseling first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry that you are enduring this issue, most esp. right now during a difficult pregnancy.

Your husband does need help for his illness and yes, you should consider if you want to stay with him for the long-term.

However I would wait until you have your baby.

You need to focus 100% on your health now and that of your upcoming bundle of joy.

I know it will not be easy at all, however your first and foremost priority should be YOU and the BABY.

Then once you give birth, I would deal with the hubby.

He says he wants counseling for his addiction, but his actions speak otherwise.

I would take everything with a grain of salt right now, and once you give birth, I would most likely take a break from him.

Trust me...IF he actually does want to get help, it will be the longest road ever. There will be a ton of ups and downs, back and forth.

And the trust seems to have broken your marriage already, you will always be wondering if he is looking at porn which will zap your energy. That energy should be for your new baby.

Good luck to you and the children.

Totally disagree. Once she has a newborn and a toddler, she will never leave. It will be too hard. Right now she has one kid. And she needs to leave before this guy hurts the kids. If he likes child porn, he is unebelievably sick.

[Anonymous]

OP, normal men do not want to see child porn or snuff films because it makes them ill to see it. Those are the only illegal types of porn. If your husband is turned on by the stuff, he is wrestling with demons you do not want to think about. Please save your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you in love with him?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the suggestions. I am still trying to make some decisions (i.e. separate before or after I give birth). DH recognizes he has an issue and that he will go to counseling no matter what. He said he was abused as a child and that he should have gone to counseling when he was much younger but he did not see it as an issue back than. His family doesn't believe in counseling so when he developed anger issues when he was in his teens his parents did not take him to counseling. His parents still have issues (emotional abusive relationship) and they still refuse to go to counseling. One thing that makes it hard for me to cut him off completely is that he is a great father and he has been a lot more responsible than he used to be. I also know that he will never hurt our kids or any other kids. We have been in the best of spots lately because of this rough pregnancy and we both have been very snippy at each other. However, the porn addiction is an underlying issue that won't go away by itself and not the result of us being snippy at each other. We both need therapy to get through this. It is just really hard when I am dealing with a hard pregnancy on top of everything.

[Anonymous]

Having a baby will probably add more stress than the difficult pregnancy.

Did the porn use get worse because you were not able to have sex during the difficult pregnancy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the suggestions. I am still trying to make some decisions (i.e. separate before or after I give birth). DH recognizes he has an issue and that he will go to counseling no matter what. He said he was abused as a child and that he should have gone to counseling when he was much younger but he did not see it as an issue back than. His family doesn't believe in counseling so when he developed anger issues when he was in his teens his parents did not take him to counseling. His parents still have issues (emotional abusive relationship) and they still refuse to go to counseling. One thing that makes it hard for me to cut him off completely is that he is a great father and he has been a lot more responsible than he used to be. I also know that he will never hurt our kids or any other kids. We have been in the best of spots lately because of this rough pregnancy and we both have been very snippy at each other. However, the porn addiction is an underlying issue that won't go away by itself and not the result of us being snippy at each other. We both need therapy to get through this. It is just really hard when I am dealing with a hard pregnancy on top of everything.

That is exactly what my friend said right before her husband got arrested for molesting the 8 year old neighbor. She took him back and she still considers him to be a great father who would never harm his own children. We all make excuses for the people we love. We all experience denial. If he enjoys child porn, he IS HURTING CHILDREN. Those are real kids who were hurt and raped to make those films and the consumers of that type of porn are the reason it exists. I am so sorry you are in a terrible position but please stop lying to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Get out now. You can never trust him, even during or after therapy.

It will be hard and painful, but it is the best for you and your child.

[Anonymous]

I would stay until you get past the worst of the baby stuff. But would be making plans to leave ASAP. So send your toddler to your parents. Then make plans to fly out permanently once the baby is 2-4-6 months old. I would leave this area and move closer to your family, since you will need the help.

In the meantime, put parental software on your home computer and his phone. There is some cell software that will send you everything that is happening on his phone.

DH should be going to individual counseling, but also Sex Addicts meetings. But from my understanding, the long term success rate of SA is low, very low. That's why I think you need to plan to permanently leave him once the baby is old enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...DH is saying that he will be going to counseling himself. He would like for us to both go but he will go himself first. More than a decade ago, he downloaded some illegal stuff. He has not looked at that stuff since and he said before it was because he wasn't careful with his downloads back when the internet was not well regulated. I trust that he has not looked at illegal stuff since more than a decade ago but I don't trust other fringe stuff. He doesn't hide the fact that he looks at porn. The reason I found he looked at weird stuff again is because I was opening up the MPEG4 player to play a cartoon for our toddler and what he looked at last night was preloaded and so I read the title. The issue that I have is that he is addicted to porn and weird porn. He came home last night and deleted all the porn he has and all the bookmarks for websites he would go to look at porn. He said that this will enforce for him that he has an issue. He also said that he will go to counseling to address his porn addiction. He says he has been going through some rough patches and he feels lost and angry all the time. He felt that if he did something devious it would relieve some of the anger. I asked him why he would not go to counseling before doing something devious or why he would not just talk to me. He said that he doesn't know why and he is very sorry that he f'd up again.

With respect to a support system, I don't really have any locally. My parents are out of state and I plan on sending my toddler to them temporarily while I figure out what to do. What makes it worse is that I can't even fly to visit my parents and DS (my mom will have to pick up my son) because I have complete placenta previa so the doctor's has said that air travel is off limits.

OP. I'm sorry to tell you that if your husband has a long history of this, it is unlikely he will be able to stop without highly professional help and a long period of self-work. Meanwhile, you and your kids are exposed to the negative consequences of his behavior. I know you think he is a good guy and a good father, and in one sense he probably is. But, you have to be honest with yourself and acknowledge that he has no ability to control himself, which means that even if he is a good guy who is just being driven to make these bad decisions, he doesn't have the capacity to control or stop himself. It's impossible to live healthily in an environment like that.

I have been in a situation somewhat similar to yours. First, while it's good that your DH is open to counseling, it is really important that he get screened by a highly experienced psychiatrist who regularly treats mood-disordered patients. The psychiatrist you choose must be open to incorporating family participation/reporting in treatment, per the best practices treatment guidelines. People who have mood disorders and addictions are notorious for not accurately reporting their moods and behaviors to health professionals, thus making treatment ineffective (or worse, making treatment a danger because the psychiatrist prescribes the wrong meds based on a wrong diagnosis because of the inaccurate self-report of the patient). Sexual compulsions can be part of a mania or hypomania. They can also be a self-medicating type of response to anxiety or depression or PTSD. Do the research, pick 3 qualified people and let DH make the final choice.

It's good that your DH is open to counseling, but, if he has a mood disorder or anxiety or PTSD, then he may not be able to benefit from counseling or attain the required degree of self-control necessary for life, unless he is stabilized on medications first.

IME, I would not agree to counseling only. I would make seeing a psychiatrist regularly a non-negotiable condition of your DH continuing to have any kind of relationship with you, whether he remains in the house or you split up. Counseling as well.

Looking back on my situation, there is a dilemma. If you keep DH in the house while he is going thru the process of seeing the psych and meds, then you may have more insight into what is truly driving his issues and thus be able to make better decisions for you and the kids. You will also have more time to document his behavior for potential custody decision (and you should be documenting every thing now -- credit cards, mobile phone, key logger on the computer, records of any video downloads/purchases, time spent with kids, potential exposure of behavior to kids, etc.) The downside is that it is incredibly emotionally stressful for all of you (kids included, because they sense the tension even if they don't understand exactly what is going on). If you continue to stay together, you are also exposing yourself to the consequences of his behavior (legal and financial consequences, kids stumbling across something, etc.)

You will also have to weigh all of the above against your physical needs due to the pregnancy. Are you working? Do you have maternity leave? Start to expand your network of friends to help you. Girlfriends who babysit? Another mom or family you can exchange babysitting with? A babysitting coop? Access to full-time daycare for the kids? You need to be in a position to raise your kids on your own. In my situation, my ex agreed to full custody to me with frequent visits with the kids for him. He is able to hold himself together for a few hours where he has no real responsibility for them. This is a better arrangement for everyone, even though I wish he could be more of a father.

I know many people will tell you that it is your obligation to "work on the marriage" and "help your ill spouse" and question whether you have some role in creating a "marriage that has a hole that your DH needs to fill". But, the reality is that his issues are not your responsibility. You have neither the skill nor the power to heal him. He has to be willing to do that alone.

You might also want to try SA-anon for yourself (Sex Addiction 12 step group for family members of those with SA and sort of like Al-Anon.)

[Anonymous]

OP here...to the PP, thank you for so much insight. I have shown him what I posted and he has read all the responses. He agrees with the assessments that it will be a difficult path forward and that he needs to start somewhere. He has already made an appointment to see a counselor and see what else he can do. This is really difficult because we have been together for most of our adult lives and I have definitely seen a lot of improvement in him over the years. We have been through so much together and next week is our 10 year wedding anniversary. When we first met he had issues empathizing with others. He said back than that wanted to be a robot. Now looking back it was and probably is still PTSD. The illegal stuff was over a decade ago and he has not looked at that stuff or had the impulse to look at that stuff since. The questionable things is not about sexual attraction to those things but his need to do something wrong when he is under pressure (kind of like a child rebelling). I do believe he is addicted to porn whether or not he looks at disturbing porn.

I can't really leave the area because of my job. I have a good career that will support myself and the kids. He offered to give most of his earnings to us if we do separate so that the kids can live good lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...to the PP, thank you for so much insight. I have shown him what I posted and he has read all the responses. He agrees with the assessments that it will be a difficult path forward and that he needs to start somewhere. He has already made an appointment to see a counselor and see what else he can do. This is really difficult because we have been together for most of our adult lives and I have definitely seen a lot of improvement in him over the years. We have been through so much together and next week is our 10 year wedding anniversary. When we first met he had issues empathizing with others. He said back than that wanted to be a robot. Now looking back it was and probably is still PTSD. The illegal stuff was over a decade ago and he has not looked at that stuff or had the impulse to look at that stuff since. The questionable things is not about sexual attraction to those things but his need to do something wrong when he is under pressure (kind of like a child rebelling). I do believe he is addicted to porn whether or not he looks at disturbing porn.

I can't really leave the area because of my job. I have a good career that will support myself and the kids. He offered to give most of his earnings to us if we do separate so that the kids can live good lives.

I don't know how you could possibly buy that explanation. Have you ever seen children being raped? It would make any halfway normal person cry.

[Anonymous]

You need to kick him out of the house and have your parents move in to help out until after the baby is born. Once you're getting enough sleep, you can reassess whether to stay in the relationship. But right now, your health is in serious danger and you don't want to be left alone with someone who has a history of being unreliable and possible violent.

[Anonymous]

Get out now. Run don't walk. if it was illegal porn it was bad. I don't believe it was a mistake. Staying with a person without boundaries is dangerous for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get out now. Run don't walk. if it was illegal porn it was bad. I don't believe it was a mistake. Staying with a person without boundaries is dangerous for kids.

This OP. If he was looking at child porn, you are an absolute fool to stay.

[Anonymous]

Op why aren't you saying what kind of porn?