Can a cheating husband still be a good parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being a good parent is about time, attention, stability, love, availability, etc. It has nothing to do with who you are putting your penis in. Your sex life has nothing to do with kids. So long as the parent is taking finances or attention from the kids, it isn't relevant.

It's like asking whether a woman is a good mom if she isn't having regular sex with her husband. Men would be tempted to say yes, but the truth is they aren't related unless either the lack of marital sex or the affair rips up the family home.

As a person who grew up in this type of household I disagree. If your marriage is a mess, the kids will know and it certainly does affect them. Having mom kick dad out of the house and having dad disappear with his mistress for days certainly doesn't provide stability or love.

[Anonymous]

No he can't.

[Anonymous]

Yes, the person can be. And more importantly, in the eyes of the court it doesn't matter one bit toward custody if the person was a lousy spouse. I've known a couple of people try to block custody based on the fact "they cheated on me" with gory details, and they got smacked down by the judge, or even had less custody granted to them than they might have gotten if they hadn't brought it up, because the judge thought they were going to poison the child against the other parent or block the other parent's custody.

It's a terrible betrayal of the spouse, but that's a grownup relationship. Parent child is different. Also, I've known a few cheaters that I had a hard time blaming because the spouse was batsh*t, and the spouse would have denied access to!children if they left.

No one ever really knows what's going on in someone else's life.

[Anonymous]

Nope. I say that as the daughter of a serial cheater.
It's not all about the games you attend, the things you buy, etc.
The relationship with the parent matters, and trust and believe the kids know, no matter how we you think you've hidden it.
But you all keep telling yourselves what you need to to get through the day.

[Anonymous]

I am probably biased because my husband had an affair. I think his affair rendered him a bad parent, which had far-reaching consequences for one of my daughters (the other one is too young to notice things very, she's just 1). The reason for my thinking is how he conducted his affair. He "worked" late all of the time and basically missed eight months of their lives while he was busy in hotel rooms and going out with the other woman. When he was home, he was MUCH more inflexible and harsh with her than he had been before. My older daughter obviously noticed his disappearing act and less loving attitude. I tried to constantly reassure her that he loved her and sometimes work takes a lot of time, but that she and her sister were his number one priority. I think that helped but she doesn't seem to feel very close to him anymore because he wasn't around and his attitude changed markedly during the affair. I kind of feel like an idiot for believing that his work was so long and the cause of him meanness, but I am not sorry for trying to reassure my kid. So I think his particular affair, or how he handled it, was very detrimental to their relationship.

Now, he seems to wonder why she always prefers me and wants me around but doesn't really ask him to do things with her. It's pretty clear to me that, even though he's back and his attitude seems to have reverted to pre-affair where she is concerned, he has done some damage to her. I really hope that time and effort on his part will fix this because I do not want either of my kids to have a bad relationship with their father, even if my relationship with him is not great.

We are not divorcing right now but this particular aspect of the affair is the hardest for me to swallow. I thought he was an amazing dad before and this behavior is just so unacceptable - that he just threw the kids aside and missed out on a huge chunk of their lives so he could get his rocks off with another woman.

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering this myself. I feel on one hand, yes. The parent/child relationship is a separate thing. On the other hand, being a serial cheater means there's a part of you that has no problem with lying, cheating, sneaking, gas-lighting, etc when it suits you.

My ex cheated on his first wife with me (and others) but told me he was divorced and essentially lied to me throughout our courtship. (not debating here my stupidity/ignorance whatever) I did find out eventually but felt he was a good person who made a bad mistake in lying to me. Ha! Turns out that's who he is. His ex flipped out, kicked him out, alienated the children (still does years later), told them daddy found a new family, everything bad that happens to any of them is his fault and on and on. Having lived with him and his children half time plus, I always thought he was a good dad. He was the one ultimately always there for them. He always had a close relationship with them and really tried to limit talking bad about the ex unless it was to defend her alienating messages. THIS is what is the WORST for kids. The fighting, the alienation as much as I understand why.

Me? When I found out about all his cheating I didn't do any of those things even though I was devastated. I'll do everything I can to stay calm and facilitate a relationship with our child and his father. Because THAT is best for my son. I can't say he will escape the repercussions of his dad's cheating ways but I'm going to do what I can to help him have the best outcome. I even talk to my stepdaughters about it - your dad is flawed, but he's your dad and you can have a relationship with him. Look at the relationship he had with YOU and let that be your guide. But they have a hard time with getting along with a dad who could treat their mom that way. Understandably.

Someday my son will find out the truth. But I will give him my best shot at being a happy healthy person. Ultimately, yes his dad is responsible for putting his own selfish needs first. But I'm going to mitigate the damage the best I can and my child will know that. He can make his own choice as an adult what kind of person he thinks his dad is and if he wants a relationship with him. I do wonder should I fight custody because underneath it all my ex is a shitty person. I don't want my son around that. But, ultimately I feel that would be MORE damaging because kids don't understand. So I will do what I can. ( I have 50/50 with my older son but there was no cheating involved and he's a very well adjusted kid - my stepdaughters aren't because of the shit they've been dragged through UGH.)

[Anonymous]

Can women who refuse to meet their husband’s sexual needs be good mothers? They are intentionally creating a toxic environment in their children’s homes.

[Anonymous]

I'd open this up to ask can a cheating husband or wife be a good parent?

I think yes. I don't think it is a given that a cheater will be a good parent, but I also don't think it is a given that a faithful partner is a good parent.

I've been a great parent, I've been a good parent, I've been a less than stellar parent, and I've been a flat out bad parent. All in the same day. It isn't about me being faithful. We see all this time on this board about parents with short tempers who basically ignore their kids (I have to imagine that is exaggerated, because who does that?), or yell and scream for no reason, or are drinking too much or depressed or not engaged in the household. NONE of that is dependent upon cheating.

You can be a cheater and a wonderful parent. You can be a faithful and a rotten parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd open this up to ask can a cheating husband or wife be a good parent?

I think yes. I don't think it is a given that a cheater will be a good parent, but I also don't think it is a given that a faithful partner is a good parent.

I've been a great parent, I've been a good parent, I've been a less than stellar parent, and I've been a flat out bad parent. All in the same day. It isn't about me being faithful. We see all this time on this board about parents with short tempers who basically ignore their kids (I have to imagine that is exaggerated, because who does that?), or yell and scream for no reason, or are drinking too much or depressed or not engaged in the household. NONE of that is dependent upon cheating.

You can be a cheater and a wonderful parent. You can be a faithful and a rotten parent.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a level of deceptiveness and selfishness inherent in cheating that's hard to reconcile with being a deeply loving and involved parent.

This. Even if the affair isn't exposed, the energy exists and often manifests as children acting out. Can you beat your spouse and be a good parent? Can you be a drunk and be a good parent? You can do things that good parents do, but no, you cannot actively endanger the equilibrium of your marriage (and home) and be a good parent.

[Anonymous]

Good parents are good parents whether they are cheating or not.

Bad parents are bad parents whether they are cheating or not.

Sometimes the two are correlated. Sometimes not.

One of my parents cheated. They stayed together for another ten years, but eventually divorced. Both parents admit that there were many issues in the marriage, but the cheating was what really doomed it, although they both tried like hell to recover.

Both were - and are - wonderful parents to me. I would seek them both out for advice on my teens. I talk to both regularly now. Love them both dearly. And I know they both love me dearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone once said,"The best thing a man can do for his children is to live their mother." men/women who cheat on spouse also cheat on children by robbing them of family time, money, and emotional well-being.

This! Cheating is 100% selfish. No one in the family is benefiting but the cheater. Put your kids first, stop being a coward by cheating and end the marriage in a dignified manner.

Ending the marriage does not benefit kids, unless we are talking an abusive situation they are taken out of.

Cheating is abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do this. I set very strict boundaries. It happens only when I'm on business trips (I go to the same cities every year) and don't keep in touch with any of those people when I'm not there, other than a happy birthday text or the like.

Meanwhile I adjusted my work hours so I'm with the kids every afternoon, and we have lots of great time together on the weekends as well.

So who knows.. maybe I'm an awful person but I don't see it that way. We have great family time together, and my dalliances are within very strict boundaries.

Lmao

Cookie for you!

[Anonymous]

Op, what about women cheating? Women cheat just as much, and often more than men. How good of a mother does that make her? Don’t bash men, when you aren’t willing to ask the same about women who cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can women who refuse to meet their husband’s sexual needs be good mothers? They are intentionally creating a toxic environment in their children’s homes.

+1. Statically women cheat more than men do.