Can a cheating husband still be a good parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cheated on my husband several times in 25 years, he never knew, still doesn't, and I was an awesome patent, still am.

I'm sure someone will say I'm not, but actually they would be wrong.

But you never left your marriage and your children for the affair partner. You found a way to privately and discretely satisfy your sexual and emotional needs without disturbing the stability and continuity of your family structure. Kudos to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated on my husband several times in 25 years, he never knew, still doesn't, and I was an awesome patent, still am.

I'm sure someone will say I'm not, but actually they would be wrong.

But you never left your marriage and your children for the affair partner. You found a way to privately and discreetly satisfy your sexual and emotional needs without disturbing the stability and continuity of your family structure. Kudos to you.

[Anonymous]

As a daughter of a cheater I say no.

[Anonymous]

The bigger question is can cheaters and scorned spouses actually evaluate their own role as a parent?

It seems like in a lot of households where cheating was the parents don’t even realize how aware their kids are of what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bigger question is can cheaters and scorned spouses actually evaluate their own role as a parent?

It seems like in a lot of households where cheating was the parents don’t even realize how aware their kids are of what is going on.

+1. My Ex lied about where he was to be with his AP. Kids didn't know he was with the AP specifically, but they knew when he didn't show up for stuff and they could smell something was not on the up and up.

Cheaters are liars; they have to be to cardy out even a "discreet" affair. When we sit up, I never told the kids about the cheating, but Ex still lies about his whereabouts and now that the kids are older, they know that he's lying to them. He's no longer cheating on me. He's just cheating on them - lying about being sick or having a work obligation or whatever so he can go out with his girlfriend instead of show up for visitation or the school play. He thinks he can lie and get away with it, but the mask slips often enough.

Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose....

The kids have really lost respect for him because of the lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A wife's or husband's infidelity and desire to divorce will hurt the children and demonstrate where their priorities lie. They are choosing an affair partner, and their own happiness, over the stability and happiness of their children.

That’s not actually a law of physics. A parent constantly conflating an offense against her with an attack on the kids, however, might be unhealthy to grow up around.

If the unfaitful/adulterous husband or wife chooses his or her happiness, and a relationshipaffair partner, over the stability and happiness of the children, that choice speaks for itself. No editorializing is necessary.

So if you leave a marriage not due to cheating but because your spouse is emotionally and sexually unavailable, are you a bad parent for choosing your happiness over the happiness and stability of the children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bigger question is can cheaters and scorned spouses actually evaluate their own role as a parent?

It seems like in a lot of households where cheating was the parents don’t even realize how aware their kids are of what is going on.

+1. My Ex lied about where he was to be with his AP. Kids didn't know he was with the AP specifically, but they knew when he didn't show up for stuff and they could smell something was not on the up and up.

Cheaters are liars; they have to be to cardy out even a "discreet" affair. When we sit up, I never told the kids about the cheating, but Ex still lies about his whereabouts and now that the kids are older, they know that he's lying to them. He's no longer cheating on me. He's just cheating on them - lying about being sick or having a work obligation or whatever so he can go out with his girlfriend instead of show up for visitation or the school play. He thinks he can lie and get away with it, but the mask slips often enough.

Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose....

The kids have really lost respect for him because of the lying.

Why are you still with this man if he doesn't respect you nor the kids. You dont ger a trophy for looking the other way.

[Anonymous]

What a dumb debate. If you ranked the qualities that make someone a good parent, purity of one's genitals wouldn't make the list.

It's as condescending as asking whether a working mom or divorced dad can still be a good parent. The question is posed simply to troll the "other side"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A wife's or husband's infidelity and desire to divorce will hurt the children and demonstrate where their priorities lie. They are choosing an affair partner, and their own happiness, over the stability and happiness of their children.

That’s not actually a law of physics. A parent constantly conflating an offense against her with an attack on the kids, however, might be unhealthy to grow up around.

If the unfaitful/adulterous husband or wife chooses his or her happiness, and a relationshipaffair partner, over the stability and happiness of the children, that choice speaks for itself. No editorializing is necessary.

So if you leave a marriage not due to cheating but because your spouse is emotionally and sexually unavailable, are you a bad parent for choosing your happiness over the happiness and stability of the children?

I have heard so many unfaithful spouses over the years offer up as a justification the 'fact' that their "spouse [was] emotionally and sexually unavailable", or worse. In some cases that is undoubtedly the truth, but in most instances I suspect the facts are an exaggeration (e.g., "sexually unavailable" + "I want sex more than just 3 times/week.") offered as a post hoc rationalization for their bad behavior. The unfaithful spouse often exaggerates the shortcomings and faults of the spouse they wish to leave to the point of absurdity or outright lies.

As for your question, I think that when by default you choose to make one person (i.e., yourself) "happy" at the risk or cost of making at least two, three, four, five, six or more other persons very unhappy - with potentially long-lasting and damaging consequences (e.g., depression, trust issues, relationship troubles, underemployment, substance abuse, economic struggles) -- that, at best, reflects a questionable sense of ethics, morals, principles, and selflessness. I will let others be the judge.

In the case of the previous poster who posited their unfaithful ex-spouse moving to some distant state to live with their affair partner, and leaving the children behind with no desire to remain near them or bring them along, I think that affirmatively does reflect an example of "bad parenting". Surely the ex-spouse can find employment in the same city or area, and moving to some distant state removes their day-to-day, week-to-week, or even month-to-month involvement in their children's lives in a very meaningful and negatively impactful way.

[Anonymous]

"Sexually unavailable" = "I want sex more than three times a week."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A wife's or husband's infidelity and desire to divorce will hurt the children and demonstrate where their priorities lie. They are choosing an affair partner, and their own happiness, over the stability and happiness of their children.

That’s not actually a law of physics. A parent constantly conflating an offense against her with an attack on the kids, however, might be unhealthy to grow up around.

If the unfaitful/adulterous husband or wife chooses his or her happiness, and a relationshipaffair partner, over the stability and happiness of the children, that choice speaks for itself. No editorializing is necessary.

So if you leave a marriage not due to cheating but because your spouse is emotionally and sexually unavailable, are you a bad parent for choosing your happiness over the happiness and stability of the children?

The question is whether you are a good parent. I can’t imagine there’s anything inherent about leaving to pursue your sex life that would make one a better parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bigger question is can cheaters and scorned spouses actually evaluate their own role as a parent?

It seems like in a lot of households where cheating was the parents don’t even realize how aware their kids are of what is going on.

+1. My Ex lied about where he was to be with his AP. Kids didn't know he was with the AP specifically, but they knew when he didn't show up for stuff and they could smell something was not on the up and up.

Cheaters are liars; they have to be to cardy out even a "discreet" affair. When we sit up, I never told the kids about the cheating, but Ex still lies about his whereabouts and now that the kids are older, they know that he's lying to them. He's no longer cheating on me. He's just cheating on them - lying about being sick or having a work obligation or whatever so he can go out with his girlfriend instead of show up for visitation or the school play. He thinks he can lie and get away with it, but the mask slips often enough.

Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose....

The kids have really lost respect for him because of the lying.

Why are you still with this man if he doesn't respect you nor the kids. You dont ger a trophy for looking the other way.

For the sake of our kids, I gave him a second chance when I thought it was just 1 brief interaction, and if he agreed to therapy. But, of course, he lied in therapy, and I found out there was more I did not know. I ended things immediately. I haven't been with him in over 10 years, but I am still tied to him theu the kids.

My point was, a leopard doesn't change his stripes. Cheaters have fundamental character flaws. The vast majority continue to behave in the same way - double lives, denial, lies, conflict avoidance and prioritizing appearances over reality - and it damages all of this in the cheater's inner orbit.

Many hope that a cheater can change and learn from the experience, but that is like finding a unicorn and even when it happens takes years of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Sexually unavailable" = "I want sex more than three times a week."

Eh, we see people complaining about genuine deadbedrooms (lasting months or years) on DCUM all the time.

[Anonymous]

My point was, a leopard doesn't change his stripes.

Leopards have spots not stripes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My point was, a leopard doesn't change his stripes.

Leopards have spots not stripes.

haha. can't believe I wrote that! of course!