Reply to Divorcing : what to tell kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Soon to be ex spent college savings and more on other woman. Boys just know we have separated. Father still shows up for soccer games and they think he is the best thing on earth. No idea the situation he's created. When do children of divorced parents find out about cheating spouses and no money for college, not to mention not sure how current living situation will settle out. Do you always protect the children from knowing? Forever? Just say: Ed can't do that anymore. Sorry, no travel team, etc? If you've livedc through this as s kid, what worked best for you?[/quote]

I'm the PP that mentioned my relationship didn't get better with my dad until he owned up (without getting into details) to some of his mistakes and why when I was an adult.

I think there are two separate issues.  One, is you are dealing with anger, resentment, and the unfairness of the situation and then there is the question of how to go forward being the best parent to your children.  Understand the best outcome is for your children to love their dad just as much as the love you and no it's not fair that he betrayed your wedding vows and was financially irresponsible but gets forgiven if they know/find out down the line.  It feels like he had no consequences for his actions while you bear the consequences.  So you have to get to the point where you can make peace with that part of the unfairness and maybe that is individual therapy (yes, he makes the mistakes but you may be the one in therapy...)

But the other side of this is that you shouldn't have to cover up for your ex.  You don't bad mouth him.  You don't blame him.  The key is HE needs to own up in an age appropriate way. Maybe he doesn't even know why.  I am going on the hope that he isn't a total douche and is actually committed to being a good father.  He should want better for his kids than he wants for himself.  He should want the kids to trust their judgement about relationships when they are old enough and not want them to cheat as a way of dealing/not dealing with things or picking someone that might be a poor romantic partner because of the many reasons people choose poorly (not wanting to get attached to anyone, abandonment, lack of self-esteem).  The issue with the money and financial responsibility is something else.  How does he teach the kids?  Basically he has to be willing to get to the root of his demons and do better for the kids. When they are old enough be able to admit that he made mistakes, he struggled, but has striven to do better and hopefully have them not have to repeat his struggles.  People talk about couples counseling and individual therapy even if you may spit up and this is why.  You guys have to still co-parent together.  The bottom line is if you get pushed in the corner, don't trash the ex, go with we all make mistakes and try to grow from them.  We both love you guys and are trying to do our best.  Encourage your ex to have a good relationship with the kids and be in a place to do better by them but ultimately he has to be responsible for his relationship with them.
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