Taking the plunge (adoption)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you say the older one only has SN issues that you can handle. But I guarantee you, the child will have some sort of attachment issues. Read up on attachment before you take any further steps in the process.

Signed,
Someone who's been dealing with this for 3 years and probably would have lost my mind without a supportive spouse

I have. It's hard to say what degree of attachment or attachment issues any adopted child will have. I've read about attachment theory and ways to help fix attachment issues. I also looked up attachment therapists in my area.

I think the stereotype that all older adopted children will have RAD is inaccurate and tends to make people fear adopting older children.

PP here. It doesn't have to be full blown RAD to suck very, very badly. My kid doesn't have RAD, but it is still hard. You have your head in the sand.

Where exactly did I say that it was going to be easy? I admitted that I know it will be challenging. There's no such thing as adopting a child and having an instant flawless bond.

I think you are giving the impression that because you have read a few books and blogs, you think you have it all under control. What people are trying to tell you is that, if you truly understood how hard this is, you would not consider adopting tow unrelated special needs kids at the same time, especially as a single parent.
Signed,
a single mom who did a special needs adoption

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you say the older one only has SN issues that you can handle. But I guarantee you, the child will have some sort of attachment issues. Read up on attachment before you take any further steps in the process.

Signed,
Someone who's been dealing with this for 3 years and probably would have lost my mind without a supportive spouse

I have. It's hard to say what degree of attachment or attachment issues any adopted child will have. I've read about attachment theory and ways to help fix attachment issues. I also looked up attachment therapists in my area.

I think the stereotype that all older adopted children will have RAD is inaccurate and tends to make people fear adopting older children.

PP here. It doesn't have to be full blown RAD to suck very, very badly. My kid doesn't have RAD, but it is still hard. You have your head in the sand.

Where exactly did I say that it was going to be easy? I admitted that I know it will be challenging. There's no such thing as adopting a child and having an instant flawless bond.

I think you are giving the impression that because you have read a few books and blogs, you think you have it all under control. What people are trying to tell you is that, if you truly understood how hard this is, you would not consider adopting tow unrelated special needs kids at the same time, especially as a single parent.
Signed,
a single mom who did a special needs adoption

SO, its ok you adopted a special needs child but its not ok for OP. OP was looking for support and encouragement not attacks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you say the older one only has SN issues that you can handle. But I guarantee you, the child will have some sort of attachment issues. Read up on attachment before you take any further steps in the process.

Signed,
Someone who's been dealing with this for 3 years and probably would have lost my mind without a supportive spouse

I have. It's hard to say what degree of attachment or attachment issues any adopted child will have. I've read about attachment theory and ways to help fix attachment issues. I also looked up attachment therapists in my area.

I think the stereotype that all older adopted children will have RAD is inaccurate and tends to make people fear adopting older children.

PP here. It doesn't have to be full blown RAD to suck very, very badly. My kid doesn't have RAD, but it is still hard. You have your head in the sand.

Where exactly did I say that it was going to be easy? I admitted that I know it will be challenging. There's no such thing as adopting a child and having an instant flawless bond.

I think you are giving the impression that because you have read a few books and blogs, you think you have it all under control. What people are trying to tell you is that, if you truly understood how hard this is, you would not consider adopting tow unrelated special needs kids at the same time, especially as a single parent.
Signed,
a single mom who did a special needs adoption

SO, its ok you adopted a special needs child but its not ok for OP. OP was looking for support and encouragement not attacks.

I am not attacking her. And, if you read carefully, you would see t hat I adopted one. And it is way more challenging than I could have imagined. I am advising her not to adopt two at a time.
And I have to say one of the things that drives me crazy about adoption discussions is that people think the only way you support someone is by telling them exactly what they want to hear. Blind cheerleading is not real support. Sharing experiences, hoping people learn from those who have come before them - that is support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you say the older one only has SN issues that you can handle. But I guarantee you, the child will have some sort of attachment issues. Read up on attachment before you take any further steps in the process.

Signed,
Someone who's been dealing with this for 3 years and probably would have lost my mind without a supportive spouse

I have. It's hard to say what degree of attachment or attachment issues any adopted child will have. I've read about attachment theory and ways to help fix attachment issues. I also looked up attachment therapists in my area.

I think the stereotype that all older adopted children will have RAD is inaccurate and tends to make people fear adopting older children.

PP here. It doesn't have to be full blown RAD to suck very, very badly. My kid doesn't have RAD, but it is still hard. You have your head in the sand.

Where exactly did I say that it was going to be easy? I admitted that I know it will be challenging. There's no such thing as adopting a child and having an instant flawless bond.

I think you are giving the impression that because you have read a few books and blogs, you think you have it all under control. What people are trying to tell you is that, if you truly understood how hard this is, you would not consider adopting tow unrelated special needs kids at the same time, especially as a single parent.
Signed,
a single mom who did a special needs adoption

SO, its ok you adopted a special needs child but its not ok for OP. OP was looking for support and encouragement not attacks.

I am not attacking her. And, if you read carefully, you would see t hat I adopted one. And it is way more challenging than I could have imagined. I am advising her not to adopt two at a time.
And I have to say one of the things that drives me crazy about adoption discussions is that people think the only way you support someone is by telling them exactly what they want to hear. Blind cheerleading is not real support. Sharing experiences, hoping people learn from those who have come before them - that is support.

You are being overly negative and yes, that is discouraging. To tell her to be prepared in terms of child needing tutoring, OT, Speech, therapy and more and make sure she can afford the costs is one thing but a few (or one person) is going a bit overboard.

We adopted and were told no special needs. Our child has significant special needs to the point I cannot work due to all the therapy. Its a real concern but its life and no different than if I gave birth. Fortunately I was in a position to do so. I'd rather know up front to be prepared than what happened to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you say the older one only has SN issues that you can handle. But I guarantee you, the child will have some sort of attachment issues. Read up on attachment before you take any further steps in the process.

Signed,
Someone who's been dealing with this for 3 years and probably would have lost my mind without a supportive spouse

I have. It's hard to say what degree of attachment or attachment issues any adopted child will have. I've read about attachment theory and ways to help fix attachment issues. I also looked up attachment therapists in my area.

I think the stereotype that all older adopted children will have RAD is inaccurate and tends to make people fear adopting older children.

PP here. It doesn't have to be full blown RAD to suck very, very badly. My kid doesn't have RAD, but it is still hard. You have your head in the sand.

Where exactly did I say that it was going to be easy? I admitted that I know it will be challenging. There's no such thing as adopting a child and having an instant flawless bond.

I think you are giving the impression that because you have read a few books and blogs, you think you have it all under control. What people are trying to tell you is that, if you truly understood how hard this is, you would not consider adopting tow unrelated special needs kids at the same time, especially as a single parent.
Signed,
a single mom who did a special needs adoption

SO, its ok you adopted a special needs child but its not ok for OP. OP was looking for support and encouragement not attacks.

I am not attacking her. And, if you read carefully, you would see t hat I adopted one. And it is way more challenging than I could have imagined. I am advising her not to adopt two at a time.
And I have to say one of the things that drives me crazy about adoption discussions is that people think the only way you support someone is by telling them exactly what they want to hear. Blind cheerleading is not real support. Sharing experiences, hoping people learn from those who have come before them - that is support.

You are being overly negative and yes, that is discouraging. To tell her to be prepared in terms of child needing tutoring, OT, Speech, therapy and more and make sure she can afford the costs is one thing but a few (or one person) is going a bit overboard.

We adopted and were told no special needs. Our child has significant special needs to the point I cannot work due to all the therapy. Its a real concern but its life and no different than if I gave birth. Fortunately I was in a position to do so. I'd rather know up front to be prepared than what happened to us.

Actually, it is different. Much different. If you had given birth, there were many, many factors you would have had control over - genetics, prenatal care, nutrition, early bonding.

And pre adoptive parents need to hear the negatives. What so often happens is that adoptive parents bring home kids and then it doesn't end up being all sweet and happy and they don't get cute pictures like all the blogging mommies do. It's hard, it's lonely, it's challenging and sometimes very costly.

I am all for single women adopting, I did it myself but I actually don't support single moms adopting 2 children at once. The thing is OP is just being very naive and cavalier. Her attitude is more of being a savior. Seeing cute pictures and being drawn to them is one thing but actually bringing home a 6 yr old child with a personality, thoughts and ideas of his own is a big undertaking.

Image for a minute your own child. What if tomorrow, he/she had to suddenly leave the only home they ever knew and go all the way to China with adults who were strangers and don't even speak English. How scared do you think your child would be? Would your child miss their home? you? Would your child cry? Would they panic? Would they withdraw? Now on top of that the child has some medical issues that need attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you say the older one only has SN issues that you can handle. But I guarantee you, the child will have some sort of attachment issues. Read up on attachment before you take any further steps in the process.

Signed,
Someone who's been dealing with this for 3 years and probably would have lost my mind without a supportive spouse

I have. It's hard to say what degree of attachment or attachment issues any adopted child will have. I've read about attachment theory and ways to help fix attachment issues. I also looked up attachment therapists in my area.

I think the stereotype that all older adopted children will have RAD is inaccurate and tends to make people fear adopting older children.

PP here. It doesn't have to be full blown RAD to suck very, very badly. My kid doesn't have RAD, but it is still hard. You have your head in the sand.

Where exactly did I say that it was going to be easy? I admitted that I know it will be challenging. There's no such thing as adopting a child and having an instant flawless bond.

I think you are giving the impression that because you have read a few books and blogs, you think you have it all under control. What people are trying to tell you is that, if you truly understood how hard this is, you would not consider adopting tow unrelated special needs kids at the same time, especially as a single parent.
Signed,
a single mom who did a special needs adoption

SO, its ok you adopted a special needs child but its not ok for OP. OP was looking for support and encouragement not attacks.

I am not attacking her. And, if you read carefully, you would see t hat I adopted one. And it is way more challenging than I could have imagined. I am advising her not to adopt two at a time.
And I have to say one of the things that drives me crazy about adoption discussions is that people think the only way you support someone is by telling them exactly what they want to hear. Blind cheerleading is not real support. Sharing experiences, hoping people learn from those who have come before them - that is support.

You are being overly negative and yes, that is discouraging. To tell her to be prepared in terms of child needing tutoring, OT, Speech, therapy and more and make sure she can afford the costs is one thing but a few (or one person) is going a bit overboard.

We adopted and were told no special needs. Our child has significant special needs to the point I cannot work due to all the therapy. Its a real concern but its life and no different than if I gave birth. Fortunately I was in a position to do so. I'd rather know up front to be prepared than what happened to us.

Actually, it is different. Much different. If you had given birth, there were many, many factors you would have had control over - genetics, prenatal care, nutrition, early bonding.

And pre adoptive parents need to hear the negatives. What so often happens is that adoptive parents bring home kids and then it doesn't end up being all sweet and happy and they don't get cute pictures like all the blogging mommies do. It's hard, it's lonely, it's challenging and sometimes very costly.

I am all for single women adopting, I did it myself but I actually don't support single moms adopting 2 children at once. The thing is OP is just being very naive and cavalier. Her attitude is more of being a savior. Seeing cute pictures and being drawn to them is one thing but actually bringing home a 6 yr old child with a personality, thoughts and ideas of his own is a big undertaking.

Image for a minute your own child. What if tomorrow, he/she had to suddenly leave the only home they ever knew and go all the way to China with adults who were strangers and don't even speak English. How scared do you think your child would be? Would your child miss their home? you? Would your child cry? Would they panic? Would they withdraw? Now on top of that the child has some medical issues that need attention.

And on top of that, they have a younger sibling who needs surgery (and speech therapy, and probably PT and OT), and may not even be verbal or potty trained yet.
OP, do you know that following CP surgery, the child will need to be on a liquid diet for three weeks? The child cannot put anything in her mouth like a spoon - or a bottle. Toddlers are required to wear arm restraints for three weeks, so they can't put anything in their mouths. If the child is toddling around, you need to watch her like a hawk, so she doesn't fall and hit her face on anything. Who would care for the 5 year old while you are staying overnight in the hospital for the younger child's surgeries? CP repair is not done with one surgery. The child will likely need bone graft surgery at age 9 or 10, plus extensive orthodontia and dental work.
Do you know that most adoption therapy is not covered by insurance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you say the older one only has SN issues that you can handle. But I guarantee you, the child will have some sort of attachment issues. Read up on attachment before you take any further steps in the process.

Signed,
Someone who's been dealing with this for 3 years and probably would have lost my mind without a supportive spouse

I have. It's hard to say what degree of attachment or attachment issues any adopted child will have. I've read about attachment theory and ways to help fix attachment issues. I also looked up attachment therapists in my area.

I think the stereotype that all older adopted children will have RAD is inaccurate and tends to make people fear adopting older children.

PP here. It doesn't have to be full blown RAD to suck very, very badly. My kid doesn't have RAD, but it is still hard. You have your head in the sand.

Where exactly did I say that it was going to be easy? I admitted that I know it will be challenging. There's no such thing as adopting a child and having an instant flawless bond.

I think you are giving the impression that because you have read a few books and blogs, you think you have it all under control. What people are trying to tell you is that, if you truly understood how hard this is, you would not consider adopting tow unrelated special needs kids at the same time, especially as a single parent.
Signed,
a single mom who did a special needs adoption

SO, its ok you adopted a special needs child but its not ok for OP. OP was looking for support and encouragement not attacks.

I am not attacking her. And, if you read carefully, you would see t hat I adopted one. And it is way more challenging than I could have imagined. I am advising her not to adopt two at a time.
And I have to say one of the things that drives me crazy about adoption discussions is that people think the only way you support someone is by telling them exactly what they want to hear. Blind cheerleading is not real support. Sharing experiences, hoping people learn from those who have come before them - that is support.

You are being overly negative and yes, that is discouraging. To tell her to be prepared in terms of child needing tutoring, OT, Speech, therapy and more and make sure she can afford the costs is one thing but a few (or one person) is going a bit overboard.

We adopted and were told no special needs. Our child has significant special needs to the point I cannot work due to all the therapy. Its a real concern but its life and no different than if I gave birth. Fortunately I was in a position to do so. I'd rather know up front to be prepared than what happened to us.

Actually, it is different. Much different. If you had given birth, there were many, many factors you would have had control over - genetics, prenatal care, nutrition, early bonding.

And pre adoptive parents need to hear the negatives. What so often happens is that adoptive parents bring home kids and then it doesn't end up being all sweet and happy and they don't get cute pictures like all the blogging mommies do. It's hard, it's lonely, it's challenging and sometimes very costly.

I am all for single women adopting, I did it myself but I actually don't support single moms adopting 2 children at once. The thing is OP is just being very naive and cavalier. Her attitude is more of being a savior. Seeing cute pictures and being drawn to them is one thing but actually bringing home a 6 yr old child with a personality, thoughts and ideas of his own is a big undertaking.

Image for a minute your own child. What if tomorrow, he/she had to suddenly leave the only home they ever knew and go all the way to China with adults who were strangers and don't even speak English. How scared do you think your child would be? Would your child miss their home? you? Would your child cry? Would they panic? Would they withdraw? Now on top of that the child has some medical issues that need attention.

And on top of that, they have a younger sibling who needs surgery (and speech therapy, and probably PT and OT), and may not even be verbal or potty trained yet.
OP, do you know that following CP surgery, the child will need to be on a liquid diet for three weeks? The child cannot put anything in her mouth like a spoon - or a bottle. Toddlers are required to wear arm restraints for three weeks, so they can't put anything in their mouths. If the child is toddling around, you need to watch her like a hawk, so she doesn't fall and hit her face on anything. Who would care for the 5 year old while you are staying overnight in the hospital for the younger child's surgeries? CP repair is not done with one surgery. The child will likely need bone graft surgery at age 9 or 10, plus extensive orthodontia and dental work.
Do you know that most adoption therapy is not covered by insurance?

Do you know it depends on the insurance - we have access to mental health, ABA, speech, OT and PT (and probably more). All that would be covered by our insurance. I have spent every day, often 2 times a day in therapy and have traveled several times out of state (by plane) for medical care making sure my kid gets what ever the "best" is. Don't act like you are not the only one who gets it. We have minimal costs - sometimes therapies are free, some are a minimal copay.

As far as genetics, we are the only ones who adopted in the group of kids we know with similar issues. This absolutely could have happened at birth and we think it was a birth trauma rather than genetics. (we know there was birth trauma as we had to deal with that as well).

Two at once is a lot but she is probably doing it to minimize cost or other reason.

Maybe OP has a huge support system, flexible job and much more.

[Anonymous]

22:24, nobody is saying that only adopted kids have special needs. And no, it doesn't always depend on the insurance. Many mental health and other therapists do not accept insurance of any kind.
You are talking about multiple daily therapy appointments and out of state trips. Are you the same one who had to quit your job?
Single parents like OP don't have that option.
Huge challenges are always a possibility. I don;t know why it is controversial to tell OP that it is not a good idea to do two special needs adoptions at once, given all the possible challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you say the older one only has SN issues that you can handle. But I guarantee you, the child will have some sort of attachment issues. Read up on attachment before you take any further steps in the process.

Signed,
Someone who's been dealing with this for 3 years and probably would have lost my mind without a supportive spouse

I have. It's hard to say what degree of attachment or attachment issues any adopted child will have. I've read about attachment theory and ways to help fix attachment issues. I also looked up attachment therapists in my area.

I think the stereotype that all older adopted children will have RAD is inaccurate and tends to make people fear adopting older children.

PP here. It doesn't have to be full blown RAD to suck very, very badly. My kid doesn't have RAD, but it is still hard. You have your head in the sand.

Where exactly did I say that it was going to be easy? I admitted that I know it will be challenging. There's no such thing as adopting a child and having an instant flawless bond.

I think you are giving the impression that because you have read a few books and blogs, you think you have it all under control. What people are trying to tell you is that, if you truly understood how hard this is, you would not consider adopting tow unrelated special needs kids at the same time, especially as a single parent.
Signed,
a single mom who did a special needs adoption

I was trying to clarify that I'm not going into this blind (or naive!). I've wanted to adopt since I was a teenager, I've read books and blogs and articles and known and talked to many families who have adopted. I admitted that I know it will be challenging but it's something that I've always wanted to do.

I also don't have to adopt two at once, those were two children that stuck out to me and whether I adopt one or both is still up in the air.

Your post came across a bit snide. My head is not in the sand. My head is out of the sand and I'm exploring whether to sit around until I'm an unmarried old maid or go ahead and start the process now.

[Anonymous]

^^ OP it might work out perfectly for you, or it might not. No amount of reading blogs gives you the real story. But if that's what you want to do...
I will say that I know people who did and REALLY wish they DIDNT. People will tell you mild stories (or strong stories) but they do not really get the true feeling of it. However, single moms by choice who used donor sperm were extremely happy with the result. But their kids were not older or SN.

[Anonymous]

... the adoption agencies we talked with were always saying "you get out of those difficult baby and toddler years ..." It took such a long time that we got to know many people who did adopt those SN kids. It was tough, but I knew it was not for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ OP it might work out perfectly for you, or it might not. No amount of reading blogs gives you the real story. But if that's what you want to do...
I will say that I know people who did and REALLY wish they DIDNT. People will tell you mild stories (or strong stories) but they do not really get the true feeling of it. However, single moms by choice who used donor sperm were extremely happy with the result. But their kids were not older or SN.

It does happen, and unfortunately sometimes adoptions are disrupted. I hope that won't be the case if I go through with it. I won't give up the moment things are difficult because I know they will be difficult.

I do know of one family who adopted two boys from Ethiopia and one had severe RAD. It was not good. Even if they do not have RAD, there will be a bonding/attachment period - it is not automatic (if it does appear automatic - the child probably has attachment issues!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you say the older one only has SN issues that you can handle. But I guarantee you, the child will have some sort of attachment issues. Read up on attachment before you take any further steps in the process.

Signed,
Someone who's been dealing with this for 3 years and probably would have lost my mind without a supportive spouse

I have. It's hard to say what degree of attachment or attachment issues any adopted child will have. I've read about attachment theory and ways to help fix attachment issues. I also looked up attachment therapists in my area.

I think the stereotype that all older adopted children will have RAD is inaccurate and tends to make people fear adopting older children.

PP here. It doesn't have to be full blown RAD to suck very, very badly. My kid doesn't have RAD, but it is still hard. You have your head in the sand.

Where exactly did I say that it was going to be easy? I admitted that I know it will be challenging. There's no such thing as adopting a child and having an instant flawless bond.

I think you are giving the impression that because you have read a few books and blogs, you think you have it all under control. What people are trying to tell you is that, if you truly understood how hard this is, you would not consider adopting tow unrelated special needs kids at the same time, especially as a single parent.
Signed,
a single mom who did a special needs adoption

I was trying to clarify that I'm not going into this blind (or naive!). I've wanted to adopt since I was a teenager, I've read books and blogs and articles and known and talked to many families who have adopted. I admitted that I know it will be challenging but it's something that I've always wanted to do.

I also don't have to adopt two at once, those were two children that stuck out to me and whether I adopt one or both is still up in the air.

Your post came across a bit snide. My head is not in the sand. My head is out of the sand and I'm exploring whether to sit around until I'm an unmarried old maid or go ahead and start the process now.

But why is it "something you have always wanted to do"?


Adoption isn't something you do. Adoption is a choice you make to build a family and parent a child. Notwithstanding special needs, adoption brings with it challenges and losses for the child. So even a non special needs child is going to have questions and issues surrounding adoption whether they voice those issues to you or not.

Whether you can admit it or not, you are viewing adoption as a way to save a child or thinking you are gifting the child something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you say the older one only has SN issues that you can handle. But I guarantee you, the child will have some sort of attachment issues. Read up on attachment before you take any further steps in the process.

Signed,
Someone who's been dealing with this for 3 years and probably would have lost my mind without a supportive spouse

I have. It's hard to say what degree of attachment or attachment issues any adopted child will have. I've read about attachment theory and ways to help fix attachment issues. I also looked up attachment therapists in my area.

I think the stereotype that all older adopted children will have RAD is inaccurate and tends to make people fear adopting older children.

PP here. It doesn't have to be full blown RAD to suck very, very badly. My kid doesn't have RAD, but it is still hard. You have your head in the sand.

Where exactly did I say that it was going to be easy? I admitted that I know it will be challenging. There's no such thing as adopting a child and having an instant flawless bond.

I think you are giving the impression that because you have read a few books and blogs, you think you have it all under control. What people are trying to tell you is that, if you truly understood how hard this is, you would not consider adopting tow unrelated special needs kids at the same time, especially as a single parent.
Signed,
a single mom who did a special needs adoption

I was trying to clarify that I'm not going into this blind (or naive!). I've wanted to adopt since I was a teenager, I've read books and blogs and articles and known and talked to many families who have adopted. I admitted that I know it will be challenging but it's something that I've always wanted to do.

I also don't have to adopt two at once, those were two children that stuck out to me and whether I adopt one or both is still up in the air.

Your post came across a bit snide. My head is not in the sand. My head is out of the sand and I'm exploring whether to sit around until I'm an unmarried old maid or go ahead and start the process now.

But why is it "something you have always wanted to do"?


Adoption isn't something you do. Adoption is a choice you make to build a family and parent a child. Notwithstanding special needs, adoption brings with it challenges and losses for the child. So even a non special needs child is going to have questions and issues surrounding adoption whether they voice those issues to you or not.

Whether you can admit it or not, you are viewing adoption as a way to save a child or thinking you are gifting the child something.

I always wanted to adopt, so we adopted. Not all adoptive parents have the rescue complex but many do. Do you?

OP, go for it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you say the older one only has SN issues that you can handle. But I guarantee you, the child will have some sort of attachment issues. Read up on attachment before you take any further steps in the process.

Signed,
Someone who's been dealing with this for 3 years and probably would have lost my mind without a supportive spouse

I have. It's hard to say what degree of attachment or attachment issues any adopted child will have. I've read about attachment theory and ways to help fix attachment issues. I also looked up attachment therapists in my area.

I think the stereotype that all older adopted children will have RAD is inaccurate and tends to make people fear adopting older children.

PP here. It doesn't have to be full blown RAD to suck very, very badly. My kid doesn't have RAD, but it is still hard. You have your head in the sand.

Where exactly did I say that it was going to be easy? I admitted that I know it will be challenging. There's no such thing as adopting a child and having an instant flawless bond.

I think you are giving the impression that because you have read a few books and blogs, you think you have it all under control. What people are trying to tell you is that, if you truly understood how hard this is, you would not consider adopting tow unrelated special needs kids at the same time, especially as a single parent.
Signed,
a single mom who did a special needs adoption

I was trying to clarify that I'm not going into this blind (or naive!). I've wanted to adopt since I was a teenager, I've read books and blogs and articles and known and talked to many families who have adopted. I admitted that I know it will be challenging but it's something that I've always wanted to do.

I also don't have to adopt two at once, those were two children that stuck out to me and whether I adopt one or both is still up in the air.

Your post came across a bit snide. My head is not in the sand. My head is out of the sand and I'm exploring whether to sit around until I'm an unmarried old maid or go ahead and start the process now.

But why is it "something you have always wanted to do"?

Adoption isn't something you do. Adoption is a choice you make to build a family and parent a child. Notwithstanding special needs, adoption brings with it challenges and losses for the child. So even a non special needs child is going to have questions and issues surrounding adoption whether they voice those issues to you or not.

Whether you can admit it or not, you are viewing adoption as a way to save a child or thinking you are gifting the child something.

No rescue complex here. I'm not even wanting to adopt for religious reasons. I know adoption involves a grieving process for the child.

Why do you have such a negative perception about adoption and why are you trying to put words and thoughts into my mouth? Pretty sure I asked for anti adoption folks not to chime in in the very first post.