Taking the plunge (adoption)

[Anonymous]

Similar to another thread, I'm about to turn 30 and am still single. I never wanted to "just get married" and I know too many women who are tied up in poor situations (abusive, husband taking all of their money, etc) so I wanted to make it on my own and be independent before considering getting married.

Honestly not sure if getting married will ever happen, but I want to have kids of my own so bad, I always have. Just waiting for the right time but I'm not sure if there will ever be the "right" time and if I should just take the plunge.

I have a job that pays well and while it's busy and stressful the hours are not horrible (teacher - was a classroom teacher now am an itinerant teacher which is considerably more flexible). The only uncertainty is if I may switch jobs at some point and/or move at some point. I do own my own home. I see myself as having two options:

1. Foster care, and hope that it can lead to a successful adoption.
2. International adoption. There's two boys in China that I feel drawn to, if that makes sense. One is 6, the other is 1. Both have special needs but nothing I can't handle (one is deaf, I'm fluent in ASL and a deaf education major, the 1 year old has CP). If going down that route the 6 year old would be in school, the 1 year old would have to go to daycare until being old enough to qualify for free preschool through our local public school (I believe special needs kids qualify at age 3 for free preschool).

Thoughts? Opinions? The anti adoption folks need not respond. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

No experience with adoption personally, but if you feel like this is your calling, so to speak, I say go forward and start looking into it. If these two boys are calling to you, I would move forward by contacting the agency and take it from there. I have two friends who did foster to adopt and in the end, both children returned to their birth mothers. While they knew this was a possibility, it has been incredibly painful for both of them to go through. Both of them got the children as newborns out of the hospital and one was returned at 18 months after the father decided to parent, and the other one was with a friend for almost three years and the mother ended up being granted custody after a long court battle. I guess my feeling is, it seems you are drawn to these two boys overseas already- why not look into their situation first and see if you qualify and what it would entail making them a part of your family. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

You didn't talk at all about what kind of support network you'd have. Tell us about your village. Tell us about your savings. You realize this deaf kid in China may not speak ASL, right?

Generally foster agencies want people to foster who have the goal of the child reuniting with their biological family, not people who want to adopt. Are you going to be okay giving back a child you may have fallen in love with?

Also, 30 isn't old. You are only going to get older, and while a man might be psyched to marry a 34 or 37 yr old he might not be as enthusiastic to marry a 34 or 37 yr old with an adopted special needs child. So are you okay if you wind up NEVER getting married? Are you sure you won't wind up resentful of a child if they are the reason men break up with you when they find out you're dealing with a deaf Chinese boy who has RAD, for example?

I'm not anti-adoption, but it's a HUGE undertaking for a couple, and more than TWICE as hard for a single person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You didn't talk at all about what kind of support network you'd have. Tell us about your village. Tell us about your savings. You realize this deaf kid in China may not speak ASL, right?

Generally foster agencies want people to foster who have the goal of the child reuniting with their biological family, not people who want to adopt. Are you going to be okay giving back a child you may have fallen in love with?

Also, 30 isn't old. You are only going to get older, and while a man might be psyched to marry a 34 or 37 yr old he might not be as enthusiastic to marry a 34 or 37 yr old with an adopted special needs child. So are you okay if you wind up NEVER getting married? Are you sure you won't wind up resentful of a child if they are the reason men break up with you when they find out you're dealing with a deaf Chinese boy who has RAD, for example?

I'm not anti-adoption, but it's a HUGE undertaking for a couple, and more than TWICE as hard for a single person.

No, he would not know ASL. Chinese Sign Language is very different from ASL but he probably has no language at all, which isn't uncommon in international adoptions of deaf/hard of hearing kiddos. He was hosted in the US this past summer but not with a family who signed and I don't get the impression that he is currently given access to language or an education (but if I pursue it, I'll get more information about that). I've taught deaf kids with little to no language skills before - some from other countries and some from the US when hearing aids/CIs and whatever education they've had before failed them. It's not impossible for a 6 year old to acquire language but the earlier the better.

I wouldn't be resentful, I do know that. Adoption has been something that has been on my mind for years, so regardless of if/when I get married adoption would be in the picture and it would be a part of who I am. I do know it will be challenging, with or without a spouse.

As far as a support system - my sister currently lives with me and works nearby (she just moved from another state, so we're sharing my house). I have friends nearby, but the rest of my family lives pretty far from me.

[Anonymous]

OP - You sound like a great person, and well suited to adopting a special needs child. I would lightly caution you to consider, however, that the 6 year-old's needs will likely be much more serious than that of a child here in the States who doesn't have language. Consider whether you can handle the significant language needs AND the emotional/attachment needs AND the needs of a toddler.

Basically, I'd do one or the other (big kid or toddler) but not both.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you will make a great parent. Do you have family in the area? Being a parent is hard with two people. I know a bunch of single parents who do a great job, but it is a big job.

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty sure you can't adopt two kids from China at one time (except twins). I think you should reach out to an agency because there are a lot of rules. You should figure learn about the rules now before you start imagining what you'll do.

[Anonymous]

I would only do this if you are okay with not getting married or being in a relationship, as this will make that more difficult.

If you want to be married, I would wait a few years and keep dating without being the mom of special needs kids.

Early 30s are great dating years.

[Anonymous]

The goal of foster care is reunification. The kids generally who are freed for adoption already have significant issues. I would go for China if your true goal is adoption.

[Anonymous]

I adopted a healthy newborn (domestic) as a single 46 year old. I got lucky. She is almost 2 and awesome!! Best wishes to you!!

[Anonymous]

I agree. Once you adopt, the child is yours forever and you will love him or her with all your heart (at least that's been my experience)!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure you can't adopt two kids from China at one time (except twins). I think you should reach out to an agency because there are a lot of rules. You should figure learn about the rules now before you start imagining what you'll do.

I'm not familiar with all of the country or agency specific rules yet, but I have done research into adopting and have known families who have adopted. It's definitely not an easy (or inexpensive) task.

OP - You sound like a great person, and well suited to adopting a special needs child. I would lightly caution you to consider, however, that the 6 year-old's needs will likely be much more serious than that of a child here in the States who doesn't have language. Consider whether you can handle the significant language needs AND the emotional/attachment needs AND the needs of a toddler.

Basically, I'd do one or the other (big kid or toddler) but not both.

I know that it is possible that once internationally adopted children arrive in the US more health/emotional issues may come up. Fortunately the 6 year old has been hosted in the US, so he has gone to a doctor and audiologist in the US which might help. If I'm remembering right, China does not have as high of a risk for RAD as countries like Russia do but there will always be an adjustment/bonding period regardless of how old the child is.

If China does allow adoption of 2 children at once I'm not sure if it would be better to do both at once, rather then going through the process again in the future - kind of like having twins and getting the difficulty of the early years over with. I did nanny in college and have experience with multiple children at once (I once had 3 babies that were the same age as while as multiple kids of different ages), but of course that is very different then juggling work and 24/7 parenthood at the same time.

I feel like a big part of me is "ready" (emotionally anyway - financially is another story), but obviously I don't want to bite off more then I can chew.

The only person I've mentioned this to is my sister and while she's excited at the prospect she's the cautious one and thinks it's better to wait a few years so I can do x, pay off y, and complete z- but I think if I keep putting it off until I do xyz new xyz's will appear and it will never happen. My mom knows of my desire to adopt one day, but she's pretty old school and thinks I should wait and get married first but at the rate I'm going I will never get married (miracles happen, I guess).

[Anonymous]

OP, we adopted. If I did not marry, I would have adopted as a single person. I have no regrets. Our adoption was a nightmare - took many years, a lot of money and just as we were giving up, it happened. Our child has significant special needs and I will say I cannot imagine doing it as a single parent as I ended up leaving my job and we had 4-5 day therapy appointments as well as a special preschool 30 minutes away. I have no regrets and would do it all over again but just make sure you can afford the private therapies and are in a job with flexibility (I was not). I'd go for the China adoption. You sound like the perfect mom for that six year old. There are so many resources in our area too.

[Anonymous]

OP, the only thing I would say to you about foster care is to be realistic about your work schedule. Even a very healthy and un-traumatized kid will have a backlog of medical appointments, plus visitation (even if reunification is not the plan, they may have other relatives who can safely maintain ties) and then of course there is all the court stuff. And this mostly happens during the work week. So... I'm not saying don't do it, but be real about how much of your job you can afford to miss.

[Anonymous]

You sound dedicated to this idea, and very drawn to this child. Your son may be living half way around the world at this very moment. Why haven't you already called the agency? What is really holding you back?