Taking the plunge (adoption)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you say the older one only has SN issues that you can handle. But I guarantee you, the child will have some sort of attachment issues. Read up on attachment before you take any further steps in the process.

Signed,
Someone who's been dealing with this for 3 years and probably would have lost my mind without a supportive spouse

I have. It's hard to say what degree of attachment or attachment issues any adopted child will have. I've read about attachment theory and ways to help fix attachment issues. I also looked up attachment therapists in my area.

I think the stereotype that all older adopted children will have RAD is inaccurate and tends to make people fear adopting older children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The goal of foster care is reunification. The kids generally who are freed for adoption already have significant issues. I would go for China if your true goal is adoption.

Wrong.

Kids "without issues" get freed for adoption all the time - but 80% of the time they're adopted by their foster parents. So OP is right, she'd have to be on board with fostering and all that that entails (ie reunification) and just be open to the possibility of adoption.

No, wrong - I worked in foster care for many years. Some kids get adopted by foster parents, some not. The majority are coming from families/parents with significant substance abuse and mental health issues. Most didn't get good prenatal care and the impact of the substance abuse can be significant but not seen till later. Also, some mental health issues do not arise till later on. Kids generally are not legally freed until they are placed in a permanent home, although some states do legally free kids prior - you do not have to adopt via the system through your state. Generally there is a reason why many kids are hard to adopt. Some can do very well in the right home, but its pure luck and impossible to guess which ones (the more open workers are the better success).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you say the older one only has SN issues that you can handle. But I guarantee you, the child will have some sort of attachment issues. Read up on attachment before you take any further steps in the process.

Signed,
Someone who's been dealing with this for 3 years and probably would have lost my mind without a supportive spouse

I have. It's hard to say what degree of attachment or attachment issues any adopted child will have. I've read about attachment theory and ways to help fix attachment issues. I also looked up attachment therapists in my area.

I think the stereotype that all older adopted children will have RAD is inaccurate and tends to make people fear adopting older children.

This is correct but you need to go into it assuming your child will have an attachment issue. You also need to understand that with older children you are not going to "fix" attachment issues. You are going to work on developing attachment over the course of years and the effects of not having an early attachment can linger with the child for years . It's a slow process with older children and all consuming at times.

So on top of dealing with the special needs - which once home you may find was or was not correctly described - you also need to deal with attachment.

If you adopt two at once, one child gets shafted in the process.

[Anonymous]

This is an eye opening blog post from a mom who adopted a toddler from China. It's way more realistic than most adoption blog posts I have read.

http://www.nohandsbutours.com/2015/09/28/coming-home-there-is-a-season/

[Anonymous]

OP - You sound like a wonderful person and a uniquely suited in terms of nurturing and raising a child with special needs. I would caution on taking on too much at one time and suggest that you focus on adopting one child with special needs first. If it is an international adoption, you can't be sure that the full extent of the child's special needs is shared with you. For example one of our daughter's has a lovely niece adopted from China who her parents knew she had CP, but were not told that she also has a seizure condition. Fortunately Mom is Chinese, fluent in the language and has the support of her two parents and they live in a metro area and can afford to give the little girl the best in therapies. However, what has been most taxing were the runs to the ER and hospitalizations to stabilize at times for the seizure meds. They did have a two year wait and had to go for close to a month to China for final adoption. This is not to dissuade you from your goal, but to say that as with any child you have to be prepared for the unexpected and so besides perhaps wanting to have a full-time job with predictable hours, you ought to consider that adopting one child first would be most practical way to go for both.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you might be a great fit for the 6 year old.

I too would caution/advise against adopting both children at the same time. As others have said, their special needs, while not impossible, aren't insignificant and although I'm not of the belief that all adopted children automatically have attachment issues, I think you'd be wise to proceed with the assumption that the 6 year old probably will. Parenting two special needs kids who are newly adopted and adjusting to a new country/language/culture is going to come at the expense of one of those children.

I adopted my first child internationally and had a second child a year and 2 days after I brought the first one home. Without going into detail, I deliberately made certain decisions that negatively impacted my second child for the good of my first child and our family overall. Neither of my kids has special needs either. I can't imagine being caught between two newly adopted children who are such different ages. I know you want to get it over and done with and I can see the temptation in that, but really you have to think of what's best for the kids AND for yourself.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

just FYI, special ed preschool is not full day coverage like daycare- you will still need to pay for daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an eye opening blog post from a mom who adopted a toddler from China. It's way more realistic than most adoption blog posts I have read.

http://www.nohandsbutours.com/2015/09/28/coming-home-there-is-a-season/

Really? I find her overly-dramatic and typical of the "christian rescue mother" who has to make her daughter's past as traumatic as possible so that she can bathe in saintly glory
Of course kids who have been institutionalized have extra needs, but her post is waaaaay over the top.
signed: been there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an eye opening blog post from a mom who adopted a toddler from China. It's way more realistic than most adoption blog posts I have read.

http://www.nohandsbutours.com/2015/09/28/coming-home-there-is-a-season/

Really? I find her overly-dramatic and typical of the "christian rescue mother" who has to make her daughter's past as traumatic as possible so that she can bathe in saintly glory
Of course kids who have been institutionalized have extra needs, but her post is waaaaay over the top.
signed: been there.

I get so tired of the bloggers show casing their kids for their own financial gain or fame. What did she expect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an eye opening blog post from a mom who adopted a toddler from China. It's way more realistic than most adoption blog posts I have read.

http://www.nohandsbutours.com/2015/09/28/coming-home-there-is-a-season/

Really? I find her overly-dramatic and typical of the "christian rescue mother" who has to make her daughter's past as traumatic as possible so that she can bathe in saintly glory
Of course kids who have been institutionalized have extra needs, but her post is waaaaay over the top.
signed: been there.

Wow, no, she is being very honest. I don't believe for one second you have "been there". If you had, you would recognize that she is being very realistic and she had a very good outcome. Many families do not even get to the place they are at right now even one year out. Keep in mind that families that are struggling do not have time to write blogs and messages boards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you say the older one only has SN issues that you can handle. But I guarantee you, the child will have some sort of attachment issues. Read up on attachment before you take any further steps in the process.

Signed,
Someone who's been dealing with this for 3 years and probably would have lost my mind without a supportive spouse

I have. It's hard to say what degree of attachment or attachment issues any adopted child will have. I've read about attachment theory and ways to help fix attachment issues. I also looked up attachment therapists in my area.

I think the stereotype that all older adopted children will have RAD is inaccurate and tends to make people fear adopting older children.

PP here. It doesn't have to be full blown RAD to suck very, very badly. My kid doesn't have RAD, but it is still hard. You have your head in the sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an eye opening blog post from a mom who adopted a toddler from China. It's way more realistic than most adoption blog posts I have read.

http://www.nohandsbutours.com/2015/09/28/coming-home-there-is-a-season/

Really? I find her overly-dramatic and typical of the "christian rescue mother" who has to make her daughter's past as traumatic as possible so that she can bathe in saintly glory
Of course kids who have been institutionalized have extra needs, but her post is waaaaay over the top.
signed: been there.

I get so tired of the bloggers show casing their kids for their own financial gain or fame. What did she expect?

+2, and I am the mom of two girls adopted from China with SNs. I don't put my kids' info up on a blog for the whole world to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is an eye opening blog post from a mom who adopted a toddler from China. It's way more realistic than most adoption blog posts I have read.

http://www.nohandsbutours.com/2015/09/28/coming-home-there-is-a-season/

Really? I find her overly-dramatic and typical of the "christian rescue mother" who has to make her daughter's past as traumatic as possible so that she can bathe in saintly glory
Of course kids who have been institutionalized have extra needs, but her post is waaaaay over the top.
signed: been there.

I get so tired of the bloggers show casing their kids for their own financial gain or fame. What did she expect?

+2, and I am the mom of two girls adopted from China with SNs. I don't put my kids' info up on a blog for the whole world to see.

PS I had a neighbor forward me a link to "No Hands But Ours"'s website one time. It was a post the blogged had written about how her child had never had anyone to hug her when she was crying, to meet her needs when she was young, etc etc etc and that is what she wanted her child's new teacher to know at the start of a new school year. The neighbor posted, "Thinking of you and your girls. Am in tears right now."

Ummmm.

I thanked her for thinking of us but I did not open up about anything we have gone through, whether it is or is not the same as "No Hands But Ours." Sorry, but it's just too dramatic for me. Much less the lack of privacy. My kids are real kids and have to grow up and function in this world and don't need everyone around them to know all about their early years before they even have a chance.

I also felt like the neighbor was asking me to be like, "OMG, this is just like our experience!" but no, I just thanked her and moved on. I know she wanted more info, though. Not everything has to be blogged about or put on a talk show.

We're doing fine and thanks for thinking of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you say the older one only has SN issues that you can handle. But I guarantee you, the child will have some sort of attachment issues. Read up on attachment before you take any further steps in the process.

Signed,
Someone who's been dealing with this for 3 years and probably would have lost my mind without a supportive spouse

I have. It's hard to say what degree of attachment or attachment issues any adopted child will have. I've read about attachment theory and ways to help fix attachment issues. I also looked up attachment therapists in my area.

I think the stereotype that all older adopted children will have RAD is inaccurate and tends to make people fear adopting older children.

PP here. It doesn't have to be full blown RAD to suck very, very badly. My kid doesn't have RAD, but it is still hard. You have your head in the sand.

If the child could pull out of it, it was NOT RAD. RAD generally doesn't fully go away. The child had attachment issues but was able to bond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you say the older one only has SN issues that you can handle. But I guarantee you, the child will have some sort of attachment issues. Read up on attachment before you take any further steps in the process.

Signed,
Someone who's been dealing with this for 3 years and probably would have lost my mind without a supportive spouse

I have. It's hard to say what degree of attachment or attachment issues any adopted child will have. I've read about attachment theory and ways to help fix attachment issues. I also looked up attachment therapists in my area.

I think the stereotype that all older adopted children will have RAD is inaccurate and tends to make people fear adopting older children.

PP here. It doesn't have to be full blown RAD to suck very, very badly. My kid doesn't have RAD, but it is still hard. You have your head in the sand.

Where exactly did I say that it was going to be easy? I admitted that I know it will be challenging. There's no such thing as adopting a child and having an instant flawless bond.