Domestic violence - is it inevitable in every relationship?

[Anonymous]

If there was a charge and a sentence, the records should be public, no? Why not look them up and see what if/how the legal version differs from his version of events.

[Anonymous]

There's nothing to think about here. Just get out now. Seriously. There are plenty of fish in the sea. This one is not a keeper.

[Anonymous]

I am a Female who was arrested for DV ten years ago as well.

I was with an ex boyfriend and he called my then 13 yrs old son a homophobic term that is also the term used for a bundle of sticks.

I got so furious I punched his brand new stereo on the dashboard, then he grabbed my hand and bit down so hard on my finger that I truly thought it would fall out.

Then he drove me to a corner, shoved me out of the car and spit on me and sped away.

I was so distraught, I called the police on him.

After speaking to us both, the cops arrested me since I along with my ex, acknowledged I had technically thrown the first punch when I hit his stereo. Sure, he insulted my kid, but by law the police cannot (understandably so) punish someone for verbal actions...Only the physical elements are considered.

So I was arrested, taken into county jail and my children were sent to a kid's shelter for five days. I had to stay in jail for five days due to being arrested on a Friday night (the 72 hour rule didn't count Saturdays and Sundays) and I didn't have the funds to post bail.

During the car ride I talked to the cop. Yes, I know my Miranda rights had given me the right to remain silent, but I felt I had nothing to hide so I held conversation during my ride to county jail.

The cop told me that most of their calls are for DV incidents. He told me that their lieutenants are very strict on them making an arrest for these types of calls because if they don't arrest one of the parties, they face a huge liability if later on one of the parties die at the hand of the other.

He also told me that once I made the call to the cops, my chances of being arrested were 50/50 since they would have to take in someone.

He warned me not to spend any more time in my ex's company because next time it could be ME arrested or HIM arrested. He also stated that he didn't really want to arrest me based on lack of evidence, however he was outruled by his other colleagues. He even told the intake worker this at the home my kids went to.

In the end, I never saw a judge due to lack of evidence. I had a squeaky clean record which may have helped, but upon closer investigation it was found out that my ex was not only illegally residing in this country, but he also had a bench warrant out for his arrest for a no show for a marijuana possession, with intent to sell. Plus, he had been caught with an illegal handgun the month prior.

After I got out, I made a voluntary effort to seek counseling on my own. I also took an anger management class at my local adult centre.

Trust me, staying in county jail for five days is enough to make me change.

I now am in control of my emotions, no one can ever antagonize me to make me feel so out of control that I feel my only option is to destroy property.

The arrest never shows up in any background checks my jobs run on me (I work in childcare.)

That was a stupid mistake I made in jest a decade ago. I have been good since and will stay this way from then until forever.

Don't let one person's foolish mistake ruin your opinion of him.

Just because one is arrested for DV, does not equate them being a violent individual. Being arrested is simply an officer or officer's opinion that you did something wrong.

It's not until someone is prosecuted and convicted that you should worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a Female who was arrested for DV ten years ago as well.

I was with an ex boyfriend and he called my then 13 yrs old son a homophobic term that is also the term used for a bundle of sticks.

I got so furious I punched his brand new stereo on the dashboard, then he grabbed my hand and bit down so hard on my finger that I truly thought it would fall out.

Then he drove me to a corner, shoved me out of the car and spit on me and sped away.

I was so distraught, I called the police on him.

After speaking to us both, the cops arrested me since I along with my ex, acknowledged I had technically thrown the first punch when I hit his stereo. Sure, he insulted my kid, but by law the police cannot (understandably so) punish someone for verbal actions...Only the physical elements are considered.

So I was arrested, taken into county jail and my children were sent to a kid's shelter for five days. I had to stay in jail for five days due to being arrested on a Friday night (the 72 hour rule didn't count Saturdays and Sundays) and I didn't have the funds to post bail.

During the car ride I talked to the cop. Yes, I know my Miranda rights had given me the right to remain silent, but I felt I had nothing to hide so I held conversation during my ride to county jail.

The cop told me that most of their calls are for DV incidents. He told me that their lieutenants are very strict on them making an arrest for these types of calls because if they don't arrest one of the parties, they face a huge liability if later on one of the parties die at the hand of the other.

He also told me that once I made the call to the cops, my chances of being arrested were 50/50 since they would have to take in someone.

He warned me not to spend any more time in my ex's company because next time it could be ME arrested or HIM arrested. He also stated that he didn't really want to arrest me based on lack of evidence, however he was outruled by his other colleagues. He even told the intake worker this at the home my kids went to.

In the end, I never saw a judge due to lack of evidence. I had a squeaky clean record which may have helped, but upon closer investigation it was found out that my ex was not only illegally residing in this country, but he also had a bench warrant out for his arrest for a no show for a marijuana possession, with intent to sell. Plus, he had been caught with an illegal handgun the month prior.

After I got out, I made a voluntary effort to seek counseling on my own. I also took an anger management class at my local adult centre.

Trust me, staying in county jail for five days is enough to make me change.

I now am in control of my emotions, no one can ever antagonize me to make me feel so out of control that I feel my only option is to destroy property.

The arrest never shows up in any background checks my jobs run on me (I work in childcare.)

That was a stupid mistake I made in jest a decade ago. I have been good since and will stay this way from then until forever.

Don't let one person's foolish mistake ruin your opinion of him.

Just because one is arrested for DV, does not equate them being a violent individual. Being arrested is simply an officer or officer's opinion that you did something wrong.

It's not until someone is prosecuted and convicted that you should worry.

If he was charged, as in the court found him guilty, I want to know more. If he was just arrested, it means nothing. I was arrested for admitting to slapping my husband, who called 911, and said I punched him. When they asked, I said: It was an open handed slap. That was an admission of guilt, enough to take me in PJs and sports bra, to jail for the day, and get on an arrest record. And it didn't matter that he hit me before and after that, because I never called the cops on him. He now walks around telling people i was violent and have a history of violence, just look at her record, and pretend he never hit me and i'm a lying bitch because he got me arrested. I've realized during this process that DV changes and arrests are BS. And that people can lie about all sorts of shit. The first question anyone asks me is why did you say yes to the slap? Well, it was a slap, he was cheating on me and we had an argument and I honestly didn't think a slap was DV against a man who'd bit me, spit on me, punched me and thrown me against the wall. But I never reported him, so fuck me. The end.

[Anonymous]

To last two pp, but I think OP is starting to see anger issues emerge. In my opinion, key tell tale words a re like scary, not directed to me. (Yes it always is like this in the honeymoon phase). And when it's directed at OP, it is always also, "I told you before right?" " YOU chose to stick around", "I have shown you love didn't i?"....

[Anonymous]

God, reading some of these DV stories is horrifying.

OP - what kind of self-esteem issues do you have to even make it a remote possibility to find yourself in one of these situations - midnight calls to the cops, county jail, having to look up arrest records (!!!). Why in God's name are you even waffling on this?

OP is the reason I say that in many situations women set themselves up for misery. The signs are here. But women convince themselves that they are the unicorn that will change the guy. I always told myself when young and dating - you are not the exception. You are the rule. Meaning, if he was mean in the past, he will be mean to me. If he hit in the past, he will hit me. Helped me find a wonderful DH.

Good luck, OP. I seriously hope you don't end up with this guy and it sounds like you need a new therapist.

[Anonymous]

You need a new therapist. This is a no-brainer. And you see the red flags, OP, clear as day but as you said, you are desperate for affection and he is love bombing you. It's clear what you need to do but you don't want to do it - thus, you need a better therapist.

[Anonymous]

Look, I am 51 yo, and only once got physical with a partner: I pushed her arm strongly off the steering wheel when she grabbed it while I was driving. I pulled over, she called the police. The police heard both stories (she admitted to grabbing the wheel), and she was charged with interfering with operation of a motor vehicle. I only saw her one other time after that -- in court as a witness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a Female who was arrested for DV ten years ago as well.

I was with an ex boyfriend and he called my then 13 yrs old son a homophobic term that is also the term used for a bundle of sticks.

I got so furious I punched his brand new stereo on the dashboard, then he grabbed my hand and bit down so hard on my finger that I truly thought it would fall out.

Then he drove me to a corner, shoved me out of the car and spit on me and sped away.

I was so distraught, I called the police on him.

After speaking to us both, the cops arrested me since I along with my ex, acknowledged I had technically thrown the first punch when I hit his stereo. Sure, he insulted my kid, but by law the police cannot (understandably so) punish someone for verbal actions...Only the physical elements are considered.

So I was arrested, taken into county jail and my children were sent to a kid's shelter for five days. I had to stay in jail for five days due to being arrested on a Friday night (the 72 hour rule didn't count Saturdays and Sundays) and I didn't have the funds to post bail.

During the car ride I talked to the cop. Yes, I know my Miranda rights had given me the right to remain silent, but I felt I had nothing to hide so I held conversation during my ride to county jail.

The cop told me that most of their calls are for DV incidents. He told me that their lieutenants are very strict on them making an arrest for these types of calls because if they don't arrest one of the parties, they face a huge liability if later on one of the parties die at the hand of the other.

He also told me that once I made the call to the cops, my chances of being arrested were 50/50 since they would have to take in someone.

He warned me not to spend any more time in my ex's company because next time it could be ME arrested or HIM arrested. He also stated that he didn't really want to arrest me based on lack of evidence, however he was outruled by his other colleagues. He even told the intake worker this at the home my kids went to.

In the end, I never saw a judge due to lack of evidence. I had a squeaky clean record which may have helped, but upon closer investigation it was found out that my ex was not only illegally residing in this country, but he also had a bench warrant out for his arrest for a no show for a marijuana possession, with intent to sell. Plus, he had been caught with an illegal handgun the month prior.

After I got out, I made a voluntary effort to seek counseling on my own. I also took an anger management class at my local adult centre.

Trust me, staying in county jail for five days is enough to make me change.

I now am in control of my emotions, no one can ever antagonize me to make me feel so out of control that I feel my only option is to destroy property.

The arrest never shows up in any background checks my jobs run on me (I work in childcare.)

That was a stupid mistake I made in jest a decade ago. I have been good since and will stay this way from then until forever.

Don't let one person's foolish mistake ruin your opinion of him.

Just because one is arrested for DV, does not equate them being a violent individual. Being arrested is simply an officer or officer's opinion that you did something wrong.

It's not until someone is prosecuted and convicted that you should worry.

If he was charged, as in the court found him guilty, I want to know more. If he was just arrested, it means nothing. I was arrested for admitting to slapping my husband, who called 911, and said I punched him. When they asked, I said: It was an open handed slap. That was an admission of guilt, enough to take me in PJs and sports bra, to jail for the day, and get on an arrest record. And it didn't matter that he hit me before and after that, because I never called the cops on him. He now walks around telling people i was violent and have a history of violence, just look at her record, and pretend he never hit me and i'm a lying bitch because he got me arrested. I've realized during this process that DV changes and arrests are BS. And that people can lie about all sorts of shit. The first question anyone asks me is why did you say yes to the slap? Well, it was a slap, he was cheating on me and we had an argument and I honestly didn't think a slap was DV against a man who'd bit me, spit on me, punched me and thrown me against the wall. But I never reported him, so fuck me. The end.

To the first PP, glad you turned your life around, but the OP's boyfriend wasn't "simply arrested". He was convicted. There's a huge difference.
To the second PP, glad you're out of that because that relationship was toxic. Arrests and charges aren't BS simply because you were arrested. You could have called the police all those times and chose not to, for probably a whole host of reasons. The police aren't mind readers. You have to actually call them if you want someone arrested. Don't minimize what someone else is dealing with because you didn't have the same warning bells going off in your head at the beginning of your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I do take it seriously. We are very early in getting to know each other but have become close very quickly. It was a suspended sentence. The first charge, to answer PP's question, was in the 1990s. I have only seen a glimpse of him getting angry and it was a little scary but it was not directed at me. So, I have a lot to think about.

These two statements show signs of a potential abuser (quick emotional involvement and scary violence but directed at others or inanimate objects). OP, please take a hard look at this list and realize what path you are taking. It won't get better from here, trust me.

http://www.newhopeforwomen.org/abuser-tricks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I do take it seriously. We are very early in getting to know each other but have become close very quickly. It was a suspended sentence. The first charge, to answer PP's question, was in the 1990s. I have only seen a glimpse of him getting angry and it was a little scary but it was not directed at me. So, I have a lot to think about.

Can you tell us about the incident where he got mad at someone?

To answer this question (and some of the others), he got angry about his phone while we were in the car together and starting swerving and raising his voice. He's in his early 40s, so last incident was in his 30s. I have seen no other signs of controlling or belittling or isolating behavior. I recently came out of a emotionally abusive relationship, so this looks and feels much, much better. I 100% admit to having problems maintaining good relationships btw.

Thank you so much to those who opened up about past histories of DV. That has the most weight to me right now.

I think my therapist knows I need to make my own decision on this. I've talked to all of my friends about it, my therapist, and DCUM. I was up last night thinking about it. I will speak to him about it, I don't think I can wait anymore, even if it's uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

women like to make this false claim. it is "empowering" for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:women like to make this false claim. it is "empowering" for them.

Say what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:women like to make this false claim. it is "empowering" for them.

Convictions do not equal false claims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:women like to make this false claim. it is "empowering" for them.

Rapists like to claim that women like to make false claims. It gives them cover to rape and abuse.