Domestic violence - is it inevitable in every relationship?

[Anonymous]

No, of course not! My husband and I bicker constantly but neither of us have ever so much as thought about hitting the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NO! Are you nuts?! Of course it's not inevitable in every relationship! My father (who has a temper) never once physically harmed my mother and they've been together for 45 years.

Sorry - I meant is it inevitable if there is a history?

Yes, I think so. People like that do NOT change. And, like this guy, they ALWAYS have an excuse. Move on and find someone better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NO! Are you nuts?! Of course it's not inevitable in every relationship! My father (who has a temper) never once physically harmed my mother and they've been together for 45 years.

I've been married 22 years and there has been no domestic violence. If he hit me, his shit would be in the driveway and he'd be calling his friends to help him move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would tell you in my own life, I had a crazy girlfriend once who claimed to be suiciding in my bathroom. When I broke down the door, she then threatened to call the cops and have me arrested for DV. As a skinny and privileged, I think the cops would have arrested me had she followed through.

Nuts come in all genders, and while I would never raise a hand to a woman (whatever other faults I have), I could easily have ended up with a DV charge.

Please tell me that you walked out on her and never looked back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that generally, if a person has an actual domestic violence CHARGE, it is probably a pretty good bet that that person has a history of violence. It could be an indication of a fucked up relationship overall in which he was also a victim, but it's not particularly easy to have a domestic violence charge stick such that it would be on a record. I would take it seriously. It does not sound like he has offered you any kind of explanation, change of heart, life circumstances sob story that would make you feel better about it.

My husband freely admits that when he was younger, he had anger management issues. He never hurt a girlfriend, but as someone who has been in a physically abusive relationship, his anger made me really uncomfortable. He recognizes this and goes out of his way to keep his temper, because he says that someone who scares his wife, even if not threatening her directly, is not someone he wants to be.

Be very careful.

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I do take it seriously. We are very early in getting to know each other but have become close very quickly. It was a suspended sentence. The first charge, to answer PP's question, was in the 1990s. I have only seen a glimpse of him getting angry and it was a little scary but it was not directed at me. So, I have a lot to think about.

So OP, that's not a "charge," that's a conviction. Please reconsider this relationship. A hallmark of abusers is that the relationships advance very quickly. That's not surprising to hear you say that. Please don't fall for this.

You're right, it was a conviction. That's different from an arrest. And to tell the truth, it has been pretty much an instant relationship. It's difficult to imagine he would be violent because I have only seen kindness and affection from him, which I have been desperately in need of. I think I see how easy it can be to become a victim. Before you know it, something goes terribly wrong. And I am not ignoring those who say to get out, I just need to talk it out. I need as much information as possible from him and from other people. I'm in therapy, too.

You are on the road to being a victim already. He knows you are "desperately in need of love and affection;" and is using that to gain your trust and reliance on him. Once you are hooked he will let his guard down and show you his true colors. Please, OP, trust your gut and get away from him now before it is too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I do take it seriously. We are very early in getting to know each other but have become close very quickly. It was a suspended sentence. The first charge, to answer PP's question, was in the 1990s. I have only seen a glimpse of him getting angry and it was a little scary but it was not directed at me. So, I have a lot to think about.

Can you tell us about the incident where he got mad at someone?

[Anonymous]

Jesus, no. Of course not. Why would a woman even give a guy like this the time of day -- let alone think twice before getting the hell away when she finds out he's been *convicted* of domestic violence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that generally, if a person has an actual domestic violence CHARGE, it is probably a pretty good bet that that person has a history of violence. It could be an indication of a fucked up relationship overall in which he was also a victim, but it's not particularly easy to have a domestic violence charge stick such that it would be on a record. I would take it seriously. It does not sound like he has offered you any kind of explanation, change of heart, life circumstances sob story that would make you feel better about it.

My husband freely admits that when he was younger, he had anger management issues. He never hurt a girlfriend, but as someone who has been in a physically abusive relationship, his anger made me really uncomfortable. He recognizes this and goes out of his way to keep his temper, because he says that someone who scares his wife, even if not threatening her directly, is not someone he wants to be.

Be very careful.

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I do take it seriously. We are very early in getting to know each other but have become close very quickly. It was a suspended sentence. The first charge, to answer PP's question, was in the 1990s. I have only seen a glimpse of him getting angry and it was a little scary but it was not directed at me. So, I have a lot to think about.

So OP, that's not a "charge," that's a conviction. Please reconsider this relationship. A hallmark of abusers is that the relationships advance very quickly. That's not surprising to hear you say that. Please don't fall for this.

You're right, it was a conviction. That's different from an arrest. And to tell the truth, it has been pretty much an instant relationship. It's difficult to imagine he would be violent because I have only seen kindness and affection from him, which I have been desperately in need of. I think I see how easy it can be to become a victim. Before you know it, something goes terribly wrong. And I am not ignoring those who say to get out, I just need to talk it out. I need as much information as possible from him and from other people. I'm in therapy, too.

Taken together, that sounds bad. If a friend came to you and said "I don't know about this guy, he was convicted of domestic assault and I've seen him get really mad, but I feel like we just have this connection and we've gotten so close really fast, and I just really want to be with someone," what would you tell her?

[Anonymous]

So, to be clear: his record ends in the early 1990s? I'm not sure if some of the posters are picking-up on this.

Any recent DV issues (within the last few years) or any sign that he still has a bad temper would be an instant deal-breaker for me.

I've known guys who had anger management problems when they were younger, but who noticeably mellowed, and became more patient, with age. It's not impossible that he could have done the same. The early 1990s were long-enough ago to support the possibility that his personality has changed by now.

[Anonymous]

OK, I see. He had a conviction ten years ago.

Has he done any therapy? How old is he? If he was very young, and the incident wasn't too serious, I might be inclined to give him a chance, especially if he has done some kind of therapy.

[Anonymous]

How old is he? If this happened at 18 and he's now 35 I'd be less worried. Maybe. If it happened at 33/and 45 now ....more red flags.

As a woman whose married to a man who has been violent. Amazing husband and father otherwise, the signs came after our baby, and he was around 30. Now at him nearing 37, he's worked tremendously on his temper and I never saw signs bf marriage. I don't worry about hhow out of hand he could get now. With age, and life experience, lots of his own parental involvement we have moved past it and he's very remorseful. I stayed bc inthougjt it was just that one time. It wasn't. It happened many times over many yrs. Once I gotnhis parents involved things changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I do take it seriously. We are very early in getting to know each other but have become close very quickly. It was a suspended sentence. The first charge, to answer PP's question, was in the 1990s. I have only seen a glimpse of him getting angry and it was a little scary but it was not directed at me. So, I have a lot to think about.

Can you tell us about the incident where he got mad at someone?

+1. that is another tell tale sign. I would be really careful. and it always starts like this... he is very nice on one side and just crazy on the other when he gets angry. so many women get stuck.

[Anonymous]

Seriously OP, just stop things now. If he's a good man and feels the same caring connection with you, you can always contact him again down the line. But this whole fast relationship, visible temper, lying about his past is how abusers rope you in. Save yourself the pain and work on yourself and not this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Run, don't walk, away from this guy. The getting close quickly is also a red flag because it points to possessiveness/isolating the romantic partner from all other contacts besides the abuser. The past DV history suggests he will offend again.

[Anonymous]

Did you say that you are just starting your relationship? Sounds like you have doubt already, so follow your "fight or flight" instincts and fly far away as you can. I saw my sister being beaten and cursed, and despite the pleas from our family she stayed and wasted her life. For what? Life is too short and precious. Now she looks back and see that she wasted 50+ years of her precious life. Too late!
Love and value yourself enough so that you don't allow anyone to devalue you. You are worth it.