Domestic violence - is it inevitable in every relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TL;DR - OP your gut is obviously not ok with the information you have right now. Contrary to what you may hear and read, there are many very decent men out there who will not cause gnawing feelings of unease. Find the strength to pass on this one. There is almost always more to the story than you are being told.

The long version:
I recently got out of a relationship with a man who had one previous domestic "incident". When he told me the story, he did a great job of minimizing his role (she flipped out on him etc. etc.), which I gather is the story he gave his cop buddies (he's an ex DC cop) so SHE was arrested since he had a cut on his forehead.

Although he could be verbally and emotionally abusive, I never felt that I was in danger around him. In fact, I stayed with him far longer than I should have partly because his strength and confidence made me feel very safe.

One night during an argument he pinned me to the sofa and with one arm held me in place by my neck for what felt like 10 minutes, but was probably less. I scratched the f*ck out of his arms and fingers but couldn't move. The bruises on my neck only lasted a couple of days.

All outward appearances indicate an upbeat, fun-loving, ambitious guy who's ready to settle down with the right woman. Turns out he had previously had to attend mandatory anger-management counseling after his prior incident, but of course he has no record. I wish he had to wear a brand for the rest of his life.

OP again. Wow, thanks for your thoughts. You are picking up on something I'm afraid to admit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TL;DR - OP your gut is obviously not ok with the information you have right now. Contrary to what you may hear and read, there are many very decent men out there who will not cause gnawing feelings of unease. Find the strength to pass on this one. There is almost always more to the story than you are being told.

The long version:
I recently got out of a relationship with a man who had one previous domestic "incident". When he told me the story, he did a great job of minimizing his role (she flipped out on him etc. etc.), which I gather is the story he gave his cop buddies (he's an ex DC cop) so SHE was arrested since he had a cut on his forehead.

Although he could be verbally and emotionally abusive, I never felt that I was in danger around him. In fact, I stayed with him far longer than I should have partly because his strength and confidence made me feel very safe.

One night during an argument he pinned me to the sofa and with one arm held me in place by my neck for what felt like 10 minutes, but was probably less. I scratched the f*ck out of his arms and fingers but couldn't move. The bruises on my neck only lasted a couple of days.

All outward appearances indicate an upbeat, fun-loving, ambitious guy who's ready to settle down with the right woman. Turns out he had previously had to attend mandatory anger-management counseling after his prior incident, but of course he has no record. I wish he had to wear a brand for the rest of his life.

OP again. Wow, thanks for your thoughts. You are picking up on something I'm afraid to admit.

OP honestly, this is what people here are trying to tell you. Why in the world would you roll the dice with someone who "might" be violent? Cut bait and move on. There is no reason to risk this.

[Anonymous]

How's the sex OP? May be brain chemicals at work clouding your judgement. If your best friend came to you with this scenario what would your advice to her be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A (new) man in my life has admitted to me that he was arrested 10 years ago for DV, but says it was a false accusation, and has never been in trouble other than that time. That's not exactly true, because there is one more charge on his record that was dismissed.

I'm pretty sure DCUM will tell me to run, but if you have any more detail or experience, do tell.

What kind of men are you dating that you think DV is inevitable? Where are you finding these men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TL;DR - OP your gut is obviously not ok with the information you have right now. Contrary to what you may hear and read, there are many very decent men out there who will not cause gnawing feelings of unease. Find the strength to pass on this one. There is almost always more to the story than you are being told.

The long version:
I recently got out of a relationship with a man who had one previous domestic "incident". When he told me the story, he did a great job of minimizing his role (she flipped out on him etc. etc.), which I gather is the story he gave his cop buddies (he's an ex DC cop) so SHE was arrested since he had a cut on his forehead.

Although he could be verbally and emotionally abusive, I never felt that I was in danger around him. In fact, I stayed with him far longer than I should have partly because his strength and confidence made me feel very safe.

One night during an argument he pinned me to the sofa and with one arm held me in place by my neck for what felt like 10 minutes, but was probably less. I scratched the f*ck out of his arms and fingers but couldn't move. The bruises on my neck only lasted a couple of days.

All outward appearances indicate an upbeat, fun-loving, ambitious guy who's ready to settle down with the right woman. Turns out he had previously had to attend mandatory anger-management counseling after his prior incident, but of course he has no record. I wish he had to wear a brand for the rest of his life.

OP again. Wow, thanks for your thoughts. You are picking up on something I'm afraid to admit.

OP honestly, this is what people here are trying to tell you. Why in the world would you roll the dice with someone who "might" be violent? Cut bait and move on. There is no reason to risk this.

It's not always easy some victims of domestic violence use the love card of way they stayed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How's the sex OP? May be brain chemicals at work clouding your judgement. If your best friend came to you with this scenario what would your advice to her be?

OP here. Yes that aspect is great and it's very important to me. But it's also being with someone who is affectionate and kind. I have an embarrassingly little amount of relationship experience and I've been damaged by abandonment and emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

PP with the ex-cop story here.

There's no "love card" to play honestly. When you love/care deeply for someone, it can skew your ability to look at a situation objectively. And when you throw abuse of any kind into the mix, it makes it that much harder to keep a firm grasp on what is "right" or "real."

Anyway it's much too nuanced to get into right now, but OP if you're already coming from a place where you feel emotionally raw or vulnerable or uncertain (and asking if DV is inevitable indicates that you're not on very firm footing when it comes to identifying healthy boundaries), I really think it's best to focus on cultivating nurturing friendships/relationships so you get familiar with what positive dynamics feel like.

I truly hope that doesn't come across as patronizing because it isn't how I intend it at all. It's just that hindsight brings such a sharp focus to experiences I would hate it if anything happened to you that could have been avoided.

My best wishes no matter what you choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you need to get out! He has a history, and I promise you he will do it again.

x 1,000

Abuser. Don't. Change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NO! Are you nuts?! Of course it's not inevitable in every relationship! My father (who has a temper) never once physically harmed my mother and they've been together for 45 years.

But does he have a history of being a DV perpetrator? My money is on "no".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How's the sex OP? May be brain chemicals at work clouding your judgement. If your best friend came to you with this scenario what would your advice to her be?

OP here. Yes that aspect is great and it's very important to me. But it's also being with someone who is affectionate and kind. I have an embarrassingly little amount of relationship experience and I've been damaged by abandonment and emotional abuse.

Perhaps you need to find a DV website and read some stories. I'm sure with your past issues, you are just the type of woman an abuser would go after. The deeper you go in this relationship, the harder it will be to break off later on. I've personally witnessed someone I know deal with DV in their relationship and they had a really hard time getting away from the guy. I don't think that's a rabbit hole you want to go down.

[Anonymous]

OP, get out now. Even just volatility and anger is not where you want to be. You just got out of a long relationship that was emotionally abusive? You aren't healed? you have no business getting into another relationship right now, but if it were someone with no issues that would be one thing. Do this for yourself, be strong and back away. There's not just this one way to be happy in life. you don't need someone, anyway. Take time to heal and do the right way. good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP with the ex-cop story here.

There's no "love card" to play honestly. When you love/care deeply for someone, it can skew your ability to look at a situation objectively. And when you throw abuse of any kind into the mix, it makes it that much harder to keep a firm grasp on what is "right" or "real."

Anyway it's much too nuanced to get into right now, but OP if you're already coming from a place where you feel emotionally raw or vulnerable or uncertain (and asking if DV is inevitable indicates that you're not on very firm footing when it comes to identifying healthy boundaries), I really think it's best to focus on cultivating nurturing friendships/relationships so you get familiar with what positive dynamics feel like.

I truly hope that doesn't come across as patronizing because it isn't how I intend it at all. It's just that hindsight brings such a sharp focus to experiences I would hate it if anything happened to you that could have been avoided.

My best wishes no matter what you choose.

OP here - Doesn't sound patronizing at all. You are probably the person whose advice I trust the most.

[Anonymous]

Excuse me? Inevitable? Ehm...no. Get out now. Do not take any chances. It's not normal, it doesn't "happen anyway" or anything like that.

[Anonymous]

OP, any update? You've been on my mind quite a bit. I hope you are well.

[Anonymous]

NP: Short answer: No, no no, domestic violence is NOT inevitable in every relationship.

Longer answer: We live in a society where estimates are 1 in 4 women (25%) are sexually assaulted in college, and 1 in 3 girls sexually assaulted by the time they're 18 (and those are probably low estimates; real number probably higher). We live in a society where men are "forgiven" for all SORTS of bad behavior that, if women demonstrate the same behaviors (violence, promiscuity, ambition) women are demonized for it while men are either applauded or it's ignored.

So yes, this culture and - with specific men and families, generations of domestic violence - specific family dynamics breed a LOT of men who are comfortable with and unapologetic about being abusive (not admitting to it, just doing it and rationalizing it), and women who buy into idea they don't deserve better, are never going to get better, and confuse obession/control with "love". So there is a lot of domestic violence.

But not every man is like that by a long shot, and when women are supported in walking away at the first signs of excessive control, blaming the victim, or actual violence, then those women do much better than the ones who aren't supported and don't believe they should walk away.

There are good men out there OP, and sadly, so many women don't trust the good men because they either find them "boring", "vanilla", or they have such low self-esteem they seek out the men who treat them badly because that's what's familiar. Drop this guy and keep looking. You deserve better. Everyone deserved better than someone who tries to control them and is abusive. If you spend more time feeling bad in his presence than good, it's time to walk away....