Domestic violence - is it inevitable in every relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that generally, if a person has an actual domestic violence CHARGE, it is probably a pretty good bet that that person has a history of violence. It could be an indication of a fucked up relationship overall in which he was also a victim, but it's not particularly easy to have a domestic violence charge stick such that it would be on a record. I would take it seriously. It does not sound like he has offered you any kind of explanation, change of heart, life circumstances sob story that would make you feel better about it.

My husband freely admits that when he was younger, he had anger management issues. He never hurt a girlfriend, but as someone who has been in a physically abusive relationship, his anger made me really uncomfortable. He recognizes this and goes out of his way to keep his temper, because he says that someone who scares his wife, even if not threatening her directly, is not someone he wants to be.

Be very careful.

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I do take it seriously. We are very early in getting to know each other but have become close very quickly. It was a suspended sentence. The first charge, to answer PP's question, was in the 1990s. I have only seen a glimpse of him getting angry and it was a little scary but it was not directed at me. So, I have a lot to think about.

Nothing to think about! Run!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that generally, if a person has an actual domestic violence CHARGE, it is probably a pretty good bet that that person has a history of violence. It could be an indication of a fucked up relationship overall in which he was also a victim, but it's not particularly easy to have a domestic violence charge stick such that it would be on a record. I would take it seriously. It does not sound like he has offered you any kind of explanation, change of heart, life circumstances sob story that would make you feel better about it.

My husband freely admits that when he was younger, he had anger management issues. He never hurt a girlfriend, but as someone who has been in a physically abusive relationship, his anger made me really uncomfortable. He recognizes this and goes out of his way to keep his temper, because he says that someone who scares his wife, even if not threatening her directly, is not someone he wants to be.

Be very careful.

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I do take it seriously. We are very early in getting to know each other but have become close very quickly. It was a suspended sentence. The first charge, to answer PP's question, was in the 1990s. I have only seen a glimpse of him getting angry and it was a little scary but it was not directed at me. So, I have a lot to think about.

So OP, that's not a "charge," that's a conviction. Please reconsider this relationship. A hallmark of abusers is that the relationships advance very quickly. That's not surprising to hear you say that. Please don't fall for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that generally, if a person has an actual domestic violence CHARGE, it is probably a pretty good bet that that person has a history of violence. It could be an indication of a fucked up relationship overall in which he was also a victim, but it's not particularly easy to have a domestic violence charge stick such that it would be on a record. I would take it seriously. It does not sound like he has offered you any kind of explanation, change of heart, life circumstances sob story that would make you feel better about it.

My husband freely admits that when he was younger, he had anger management issues. He never hurt a girlfriend, but as someone who has been in a physically abusive relationship, his anger made me really uncomfortable. He recognizes this and goes out of his way to keep his temper, because he says that someone who scares his wife, even if not threatening her directly, is not someone he wants to be.

Be very careful.

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I do take it seriously. We are very early in getting to know each other but have become close very quickly. It was a suspended sentence. The first charge, to answer PP's question, was in the 1990s. I have only seen a glimpse of him getting angry and it was a little scary but it was not directed at me. So, I have a lot to think about.

This, to me, is the second red flag. What do you mean you have become close very quickly? If he seems like he's VERY into you for how well you know each other, that is not necessarily a good thing.

[Anonymous]

I would tell you in my own life, I had a crazy girlfriend once who claimed to be suiciding in my bathroom. When I broke down the door, she then threatened to call the cops and have me arrested for DV. As a skinny and privileged, I think the cops would have arrested me had she followed through.

Nuts come in all genders, and while I would never raise a hand to a woman (whatever other faults I have), I could easily have ended up with a DV charge.

[Anonymous]

Maybe if you do as you are told and make sure not to anger him ever you will be OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that generally, if a person has an actual domestic violence CHARGE, it is probably a pretty good bet that that person has a history of violence. It could be an indication of a fucked up relationship overall in which he was also a victim, but it's not particularly easy to have a domestic violence charge stick such that it would be on a record. I would take it seriously. It does not sound like he has offered you any kind of explanation, change of heart, life circumstances sob story that would make you feel better about it.

My husband freely admits that when he was younger, he had anger management issues. He never hurt a girlfriend, but as someone who has been in a physically abusive relationship, his anger made me really uncomfortable. He recognizes this and goes out of his way to keep his temper, because he says that someone who scares his wife, even if not threatening her directly, is not someone he wants to be.

Be very careful.

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I do take it seriously. We are very early in getting to know each other but have become close very quickly. It was a suspended sentence. The first charge, to answer PP's question, was in the 1990s. I have only seen a glimpse of him getting angry and it was a little scary but it was not directed at me. So, I have a lot to think about.

So OP, that's not a "charge," that's a conviction. Please reconsider this relationship. A hallmark of abusers is that the relationships advance very quickly. That's not surprising to hear you say that. Please don't fall for this.

You're right, it was a conviction. That's different from an arrest. And to tell the truth, it has been pretty much an instant relationship. It's difficult to imagine he would be violent because I have only seen kindness and affection from him, which I have been desperately in need of. I think I see how easy it can be to become a victim. Before you know it, something goes terribly wrong. And I am not ignoring those who say to get out, I just need to talk it out. I need as much information as possible from him and from other people. I'm in therapy, too.

[Anonymous]

What? OP, seriously, WHAT??

You need to DTMFA and get yourself into therapy before dating anyone new. Domestic Violence is NOT normal, NOT okay, and definitely NOT inevitable. The mere fact you think it might be tells me you have some personal things to attend to before you'll be in a position to choose healthy, kind, normal men.

[Anonymous]

Ok I see you are in therapy. Good.

Now tell that jackass that you need to take some time to work on yourself and maybe you can reconnect down the road, but for now you need to be single and focused on yourself.

Then DO IT.

And as a bonus, ask your therapist, "is domestic violence inevitable?" I'm sure she'll have some things to say about that.

[Anonymous]

I would leave him alone.

But I will also leave you with this anecdote. My father was abusive to my mom. They divorced. He remarried. If he has ever touched my stepmom she has kept it a secret. She does not seem afraid of him and has never turned up with mysterious injuries or bruises. Maybe people can change.

I would leave him alone.

[Anonymous]

Conviction and lie about other charge = 2 RED FLAGS!

No brainer - dump this guy now!

[Anonymous]

In answer to your question - NO!

[Anonymous]

OP here. No, I don't think it's normal, I think it's scary that he has this history and I'm trying to figure out if this relationship is doomed. But again if this is how abusers start off, it is easy to see how one might think everything is fine. My therapist does not think it's inevitable. But she advised me to keepy eyes open and observe the way he behaves over time.

[Anonymous]

It is inevitable because we are animals but it then becomes a question of scale. For your BF to have documented evidence against him is a warning. It clarifies that the scale of what he is capable of is beyond the norm and criminal. A friend of mine married a guy with a juvenile record of knifing his GF at 16. Never displayed any tendencies towards harm as a mid thirty adult. Hired an employee one year who introduced him to drugs and he was arrested when he shot the dealer three times but the dealer lived to testify against him. Should have seen it coming. So the real question is what about this guy attracts you to him and is it part of the tendency towards violence? For example; maybe he likes to skydive or ride a motorcycle or some other avenue of thrill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No, I don't think it's normal, I think it's scary that he has this history and I'm trying to figure out if this relationship is doomed. But again if this is how abusers start off, it is easy to see how one might think everything is fine. My therapist does not think it's inevitable. But she advised me to keepy eyes open and observe the way he behaves over time.

I think that's pretty bad advice from your therapist and here's why: you'll get entrenched in the relationship, he'll wait until he knows he "has you" before letting his true colors fly, and you'll find every excuse not to leave (some may be very valid - he may, over time, make it very difficult for you to leave. That's what they do.) Look, there's no real way to know, but why in the hell would you gamble on something like this? People who are convicted of domestic violence offenses, in my opinion, don't deserve the benefit of the doubt. OP, you sound like a nice person, and in your own words in need of attention (another red flag - he knows this). Don't do this. There are plenty of men out there who don't have domestic violence in their history.

[MikeL]

Anonymous wrote:What? OP, seriously, WHAT??

You need to DTMFA and get yourself into therapy before dating anyone new. Domestic Violence is NOT normal, NOT okay, and definitely NOT inevitable. The mere fact you think it might be tells me you have some personal things to attend to before you'll be in a position to choose healthy, kind, normal men.

+1