Domestic violence - is it inevitable in every relationship?

[Anonymous]

A (new) man in my life has admitted to me that he was arrested 10 years ago for DV, but says it was a false accusation, and has never been in trouble other than that time. That's not exactly true, because there is one more charge on his record that was dismissed.

I'm pretty sure DCUM will tell me to run, but if you have any more detail or experience, do tell.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you need to get out! He has a history, and I promise you he will do it again.

[Anonymous]

When was the other charge?

[Anonymous]

NO! Are you nuts?! Of course it's not inevitable in every relationship! My father (who has a temper) never once physically harmed my mother and they've been together for 45 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NO! Are you nuts?! Of course it's not inevitable in every relationship! My father (who has a temper) never once physically harmed my mother and they've been together for 45 years.

Sorry - I meant is it inevitable if there is a history?

[Anonymous]

It really depends on whether the charges were real. I do know that some people file false charges during divorces and custody fights. So it it not impossible that they were false charges. However, in all likelihood, they were filed for a good reason.

I'd ask him for a lot more information...

[Anonymous]

I think that generally, if a person has an actual domestic violence CHARGE, it is probably a pretty good bet that that person has a history of violence. It could be an indication of a fucked up relationship overall in which he was also a victim, but it's not particularly easy to have a domestic violence charge stick such that it would be on a record. I would take it seriously. It does not sound like he has offered you any kind of explanation, change of heart, life circumstances sob story that would make you feel better about it.

My husband freely admits that when he was younger, he had anger management issues. He never hurt a girlfriend, but as someone who has been in a physically abusive relationship, his anger made me really uncomfortable. He recognizes this and goes out of his way to keep his temper, because he says that someone who scares his wife, even if not threatening her directly, is not someone he wants to be.

Be very careful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry - I meant is it inevitable if there is a history?

You really wanna run the risk and find out the hard way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NO! Are you nuts?! Of course it's not inevitable in every relationship! My father (who has a temper) never once physically harmed my mother and they've been together for 45 years.

Sorry - I meant is it inevitable if there is a history?

Oh. Whew! Well. Personally, I wouldn't bother risking it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NO! Are you nuts?! Of course it's not inevitable in every relationship! My father (who has a temper) never once physically harmed my mother and they've been together for 45 years.

Sorry - I meant is it inevitable if there is a history?

Probably. Unless he has committed his life to getting over his very serious anger and violence issues.

Evens still, it's not something I would want to risk.

And... you can bet he's abused many others. Cause the vast majority of women who were abused don't report it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A (new) man in my life has admitted to me that he was arrested 10 years ago for DV, but says it was a false accusation, and has never been in trouble other than that time. That's not exactly true, because there is one more charge on his record that was dismissed.

I'm pretty sure DCUM will tell me to run, but if you have any more detail or experience, do tell.

Already lied to you? Dump him ASAP.

[Anonymous]

My God. No! Most men are taught from a very eat age not to hit girls. Run as fast as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that generally, if a person has an actual domestic violence CHARGE, it is probably a pretty good bet that that person has a history of violence. It could be an indication of a fucked up relationship overall in which he was also a victim, but it's not particularly easy to have a domestic violence charge stick such that it would be on a record. I would take it seriously. It does not sound like he has offered you any kind of explanation, change of heart, life circumstances sob story that would make you feel better about it.

My husband freely admits that when he was younger, he had anger management issues. He never hurt a girlfriend, but as someone who has been in a physically abusive relationship, his anger made me really uncomfortable. He recognizes this and goes out of his way to keep his temper, because he says that someone who scares his wife, even if not threatening her directly, is not someone he wants to be.

Be very careful.

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I do take it seriously. We are very early in getting to know each other but have become close very quickly. It was a suspended sentence. The first charge, to answer PP's question, was in the 1990s. I have only seen a glimpse of him getting angry and it was a little scary but it was not directed at me. So, I have a lot to think about.

[Anonymous]

Run!!!

[Anonymous]

Well, I do think so OP and here's why. Someone's violence isn't generally about the victim. It's about the person committing the violence. If it were about the victim, victims could change their behavior and the violence would stop - but that's not what happens. Victims change their behavior and the violence continues, as the person committing violence will find something else to be controlling about. So another way of asking this question is: "was the violence he committed years ago the victim's fault?" The answer is generally no, right? No one deserves to be abused.

So that's my take. Someone who has determined that violence is acceptable in any form generally doesn't change without intensive intervention. It's just not a risk worth taking.