Reply to Domestic violence - is it inevitable in every relationship?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am a Female who was arrested for DV ten years ago as well.

I was with an ex boyfriend and he called my then 13 yrs old son a homophobic term that is also the term used for a bundle of sticks.

I got so furious I punched his brand new stereo on the dashboard, then he grabbed my hand and bit down so hard on my finger that I truly thought it would fall out.

Then he drove me to a corner, shoved me out of the car and spit on me and sped away.

I was so distraught, I called the police on him.

[b]After speaking to us both, the cops arrested me since I along with my ex, acknowledged I had technically thrown the first punch when I hit his stereo. Sure, he insulted my kid, but by law the police cannot (understandably so) punish someone for verbal actions...Only the physical elements are considered.
[/b]
So I was arrested, taken into county jail and my children were sent to a kid's shelter for five days. I had to stay in jail for five days due to being arrested on a Friday night (the 72 hour rule didn't count Saturdays and Sundays) and I didn't have the funds to post bail.

During the car ride I talked to the cop. Yes, I know my Miranda rights had given me the right to remain silent, but I felt I had nothing to hide so I held conversation during my ride to county jail.

[b]The cop told me that most of their calls are for DV incidents. He told me that their lieutenants are very strict on them making an arrest for these types of calls because if they don't arrest one of the parties, they face a huge liability if later on one of the parties die at the hand of the other. [/b]

He also told me that once I made the call to the cops, my chances of being arrested were 50/50 since they would have to take in someone.

He warned me not to spend any more time in my ex's company because next time it could be ME arrested or HIM arrested. He also stated that he didn't really want to arrest me based on lack of evidence, however he was outruled by his other colleagues. He even told the intake worker this at the home my kids went to.

In the end, I never saw a judge due to lack of evidence. I had a squeaky clean record which may have helped, but upon closer investigation it was found out that my ex was not only illegally residing in this country, but he also had a bench warrant out for his arrest for a  no show for a marijuana possession, with intent to sell. Plus, he had been caught with an illegal handgun the month prior.

After I got out, I made a voluntary effort to seek counseling on my own. I also took an anger management class at my local adult centre.

Trust me, staying in county jail for five days is enough to make me change.

I now am in control of my emotions, no one can ever antagonize me to make me feel so out of control that I feel my only option is to destroy property.

The arrest never shows up in any background checks my jobs run on me (I work in childcare.)

That was a stupid mistake I made in jest a decade ago. I have been good since and will stay this way from then until forever.

Don't let one person's foolish mistake ruin your opinion of him.

Just because one is arrested for DV, does not equate them being a violent individual. Being arrested is simply an officer or officer's opinion that you did something wrong.

It's not until someone is prosecuted and convicted that you should worry.[/quote]

If he was charged, as in the court found him guilty, I want to know more. If he was just arrested, it means nothing. I was arrested for admitting to slapping my husband, who called 911, and said I punched him. When they asked, I said: It was an open handed slap. That was an admission of guilt, enough to take me in PJs and sports bra, to jail for the day, and get on an arrest record. And it didn't matter that he hit me before and after that, because I never called the cops on him. He now walks around telling people i was violent and have a history of violence, just look at her record, and pretend he never hit me and i'm a lying bitch because he got me arrested. I've realized during this process that DV changes and arrests are BS. And that people can lie about all sorts of shit. The first question anyone asks me is why did you say yes to the slap? Well, it was a slap, he was cheating on me and we had an argument and I honestly didn't think a slap was DV against a man who'd bit me, spit on me, punched me and thrown me against the wall. But I never reported him, so fuck me. The end. [/quote]

To the first PP, glad you turned your life around, but the OP's boyfriend wasn't "simply arrested". He was convicted. There's a huge difference.
To the second PP, glad you're out of that because that relationship was toxic. Arrests and charges aren't BS simply because you were arrested. You could have called the police all those times and chose not to, for probably a whole host of reasons. The police aren't mind readers. You have to actually call them if you want someone arrested. Don't minimize what someone else is dealing with because you didn't have the same warning bells going off in your head at the beginning of your relationship. [/quote]

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