Coparenting with a difficult parent.

[Anonymous]

Update: Hey guys I wanted to give you an update. So, I decided to file for child support and I have recently found a therapist which I love. My child's father however has been on another level. He has decided that he no longer wants to be a dad. One minute he says, you are the sole parent, I do not want LO to have my last name anymore, take my name off the birth certificate, I will just pay you child support and the next he is calling asking to speak with LO. He has not seen LO in almost two months. LO keeps asking for him. The other night he showed up to give me some money for LO and asked to see him. It was at 11:30pm. I told him LO is sleep you have not seen him in a two months why don't you pick him up and hang out. He refuses too. Now he keeps telling me that I am ruining LO's child hood because I have decided not to answer the phone any more. It makes no sense. You do not want to be a parent and you do not want to spend time with your child why keep calling getting the child upset. It makes no sense and then you tell LO oh I can't come pick you up because of your mother. Its just a mess. But I am remaining strong and pray that this will pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop calling and texting during his time unless its an emergency. Sounds like he only has him for a full day at a time. Why are you walking into that drama and expecting any different?

Don't you answer your own question pp?

Please show me where I answered my own question.

OP, I posted that response because I basically have the same ex and so does a friend, but she calls daily when her DD is with dad and he doesn't allow her to talk unless he's had her for several days (which is quite rare). I've given her the same advice: On the random weekends when he actually shows up, don't call. All it does is lead to my friend feeling bummed for half of the day. A child won't be emotionally damaged from not speaking to their mom daily.

My ex no longer does that to me because he knows that I will just not bother to call if I get attitude. He used to do a ton of things that would get under my skin and hurt my feelings, because I allowed him to. I've been called out of my name and in front of our child, told how much I'm hated, treated coldly, etc. I fortunately had a good friend (single father, now remarried) school me on how to avoid engaging with him at all. You have to work on removing emotion from any interactions with him. Don't argue. If there is something that you need to speak with him about and he tries to bait you into an argument, end the conversation. "I see that this isn't a good time to talk so I'm leaving/will talk to you later." It's one of the hardest things to do, but its effective. I initially received more insults, but over time, he realized that I'd changed and so he has too. I actually received an apology last year for all of the name-calling in previous years.

You have to figure out a way to be OK with the imbalance in the parental relationship. He said he would do X and he hasn't. What can you do better with the wisdom you have now? You can choose a better mate going forward, because you understand what your values are more clearly now. You can look for alternative ways to lighten your load (what can be outsourced??). You can assume 100% responsibility for what needs to be done so that when he does actually contribute, its a bonus. You can choose to focus solely on yourself when your DC is with dad and enjoy the break. I certainly do and without guilt.

This, this this. You have to step back on non-custodial days. Don't call unless there is an emergency. Cut out the emotional engagement. Keep it breezy and light and smile. I am serious, even if you hate the guy. It's so, so important to try to foster a good sense when you are doing the transition. Focus on the big picture. Is the child safe? Is the child fed, etc. Otherwise, let it go. As the main custodial parent, yes, it's all on you, but that's fine. Basically put down the rope and keep it moving.

[Anonymous]

"This, this this. You have to step back on non-custodial days. Don't call unless there is an emergency. Cut out the emotional engagement. Keep it breezy and light and smile. I am serious, even if you hate the guy. It's so, so important to try to foster a good sense when you are doing the transition. Focus on the big picture. Is the child safe? Is the child fed, etc. Otherwise, let it go. As the main custodial parent, yes, it's all on you, but that's fine. Basically put down the rope and keep it moving."

I am not quite sure that I understand what you are saying as there are no non custodial day's. My LO has been with me 24 hours a day 7 days a week at the choice of his father deciding that he does not want to be a father any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"This, this this. You have to step back on non-custodial days. Don't call unless there is an emergency. Cut out the emotional engagement. Keep it breezy and light and smile. I am serious, even if you hate the guy. It's so, so important to try to foster a good sense when you are doing the transition. Focus on the big picture. Is the child safe? Is the child fed, etc. Otherwise, let it go. As the main custodial parent, yes, it's all on you, but that's fine. Basically put down the rope and keep it moving."

I am not quite sure that I understand what you are saying as there are no non custodial day's. My LO has been with me 24 hours a day 7 days a week at the choice of his father deciding that he does not want to be a father any more.

Are you OP? Because I thought your ex had custodial time with your kid. But yeah, if you are alone and doing it alone then my advice isn't applicable and I don't see how you have any problem beyond making peace that you are doing this all alone. -MAH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update: Hey guys I wanted to give you an update. So, I decided to file for child support and I have recently found a therapist which I love. My child's father however has been on another level. He has decided that he no longer wants to be a dad. One minute he says, you are the sole parent, I do not want LO to have my last name anymore, take my name off the birth certificate, I will just pay you child support and the next he is calling asking to speak with LO. He has not seen LO in almost two months. LO keeps asking for him. The other night he showed up to give me some money for LO and asked to see him. It was at 11:30pm. I told him LO is sleep you have not seen him in a two months why don't you pick him up and hang out. He refuses too. Now he keeps telling me that I am ruining LO's child hood because I have decided not to answer the phone any more. It makes no sense. You do not want to be a parent and you do not want to spend time with your child why keep calling getting the child upset. It makes no sense and then you tell LO oh I can't come pick you up because of your mother. Its just a mess. But I am remaining strong and pray that this will pass.

You need to not only put the child support through, but stick to the court order with regards to visitation etc. Make it clear cut every week who picks up the child from daycare etc. Stop the arguing and bothering each other when it's the other parents time with the child.

Disengage from this guy, stop the petty stuff. You both are going to mess up the kid. Refuse to talk on the phone to him if it's not regarding pick up or drop off. Hang up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update: Hey guys I wanted to give you an update. So, I decided to file for child support and I have recently found a therapist which I love. My child's father however has been on another level. He has decided that he no longer wants to be a dad. One minute he says, you are the sole parent, I do not want LO to have my last name anymore, take my name off the birth certificate, I will just pay you child support and the next he is calling asking to speak with LO. He has not seen LO in almost two months. LO keeps asking for him. The other night he showed up to give me some money for LO and asked to see him. It was at 11:30pm. I told him LO is sleep you have not seen him in a two months why don't you pick him up and hang out. He refuses too. Now he keeps telling me that I am ruining LO's child hood because I have decided not to answer the phone any more. It makes no sense. You do not want to be a parent and you do not want to spend time with your child why keep calling getting the child upset. It makes no sense and then you tell LO oh I can't come pick you up because of your mother. Its just a mess. But I am remaining strong and pray that this will pass.

Who cares what he says. The court will ensure that he honors his obligations.

Stop this nonsense because obviously you also enjoy the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP. OP, I have a very difficult and hostile ex. The best thing I did was find a good therapist for myself.

Hey its me again. So now he is refusing to pay day care ( the only thing that he is responsible for paying). I have paid daycare for the last two weeks. Aside from not paying day care he is now refusing to give me anything towards helping our child. This is his weekend and unfortunately it has not been good. On Friday he called and asked me to pack some nice clothes. Well today he calls complaining about the clothes that I packed. I simply said ok. A few hours later he sends a text with a picture of our child in new clothes. In caption it states oh you were trying to be funny but I have money to buy new clothes and I am keeping all 288 dollars worth of clothes at my house. I never responded back.

Its just crazy to me. I am not arguing with you, I am not bothering you, I have been doing everything because he is refusing to do anything. I do need to find a therapists, because I have never been in such a confrontational relationship as I am with this one.

You don't need a therapists, such nonsense on this silly site.

Enforce all this through the courts!!!!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

You should seek sole custody and be done with it. Hopefully, you're in MD or VA (even better).

[Anonymous]

Who cares what he says. The court will ensure that he honors his obligations.

Stop this nonsense because obviously you also enjoy the drama.

Obviously you are not reading correctly if you did you would see that I am not communication with him he is a communicating with me. It sounds like you enjoy a little conflict do to you negative comment and obviously you did not read the post.

[Anonymous]

You don't need a therapists, such nonsense on this silly site.

Enforce all this through the courts!!!!!!

While I appreciate your comment I would like to say that unless you have been through what I have been through with this guy its no way that you are able to call someone else's issue silly and tell them that they do not need a therapists. I do not deal with conflict in no one and its very hard for me to deal with confrontational people. Finding a therapists was the best thing that I could do.

[Anonymous]

in the mean time.. this is something i have done with DC in a similar situation: I write loving notes labeled Good night, baby! and Good morning, baby! and just one sentence. I ask her to open it before bed and as soon as she wakes up. She loves it, it's our special thing. Now she writes notes to me too either before she leaves or when she comes back.
If DC is not old enough to read, you can draw something, Totally worth it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:in the mean time.. this is something i have done with DC in a similar situation: I write loving notes labeled Good night, baby! and Good morning, baby! and just one sentence. I ask her to open it before bed and as soon as she wakes up. She loves it, it's our special thing. Now she writes notes to me too either before she leaves or when she comes back.
If DC is not old enough to read, you can draw something, Totally worth it!

This a great idea! I wish I had done this with DD when she was smaller.

[Anonymous]

How did anyone respond to this original post? It's unintelligible. OP, learn how to write. Commas are your friend.

[Anonymous]

How did anyone respond to this original post? It's unintelligible. OP, learn how to write. Commas are your friend.

I refuse to stoop to your level troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:in the mean time.. this is something i have done with DC in a similar situation: I write loving notes labeled Good night, baby! and Good morning, baby! and just one sentence. I ask her to open it before bed and as soon as she wakes up. She loves it, it's our special thing. Now she writes notes to me too either before she leaves or when she comes back.
If DC is not old enough to read, you can draw something, Totally worth it!

This a great idea! I wish I had done this with DD when she was smaller.

When my LO is able to read this would be an excellent idea. Thank you.