Coparenting with a difficult parent.
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Anonymous
| I am so upset right and really sick of dealing with this. My child is now 3years old and its been 3 years of the same crap. Whenever its his weekend he always finds reasons to argue to get me upset. If I text regarding our child he will not respond back. If I call he finds ways to pick arguments. Tonight I text, two hours later no response. I decided to call he picks up the phone and pretends that he did not pick our child up from daycare today. Then he goes I have him and I do not feel like talking to you right now so bye. This is something that he always does. Very rude and I am tired I am really am. I need help. I need some advise. |
Anonymous
| You need a lawyer and a coparenting plan/court order re: custody. |
Anonymous
| Don't you think daycare would have called if your child hadn't been picked up? When my ex has the kids I'm not calling or texting at all. |
Anonymous
| Yes I know for a fact that she would have called. Its just the point that I get so sick and tired of the games. I do not call him all the time. I will call that Friday night to say goodnight and then again that Saturday morning to say Good Morning. But that's it. It just irritates me that this has to happen. Not to mention that everything is always my fault. Just exhausted. I have not been to the courts because its not something that I really wanted to do. |
Anonymous
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Ugh, I'm sorry, OP. You need to learn meditation or something to deal with him. In a few years, your child will become more reliable with information. You will give him a phone, and call him directly! |
Anonymous
Thank you. I cannot wait until that time. |
Anonymous
| Minimize contact. Let him have his weekends without calling to say goodnight. Your child will be fine without a reminder that you are not together and your ex will not view it as checking up on him. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like maybe you need to work out a better system for communicating when he has the kid. Maybe he feels like you're checking up too much and wants you to back off so he can enjoy time with his kid. Maybe make a plan that he'll text you when he picks up the kid so you know, and you won't bother him unless there's an emergency? |
Anonymous
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That sounds annoying! I agree that you need a custody agreement and a more structured arrangement for everything, including phone calls.
I also strongly advise that you take some time to write down the various ways that your son's father annoys you and bothers you. Look for patterns in his behavior and your reactions. From this, you will learn his patterns and what you can expect from him in the future. Because if you're expecting him to change because you want him to - good luck. I think your energy would be better spent figuring out what situations are likely to cause friction and developing a plan to improve things. Therapy to help you learn not to react to his behaviors that bother you is also a good idea. |
Anonymous
| What did the text say that you sent him, to which he did not reply? |
Anonymous
| Stop calling and texting during his time unless its an emergency. Sounds like he only has him for a full day at a time. Why are you walking into that drama and expecting any different? |
Anonymous
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Thank you all for your responses. I am better this morning. Its just petty. We have a child together and we have to get along with each other especially in front of our child. Well today I intend to just enjoy my day. My LO will be back tomorrow. Its hard to not call. But I have been told by friends who have been in the same situation to just enjoy my time and to not call and if he needs something that he will call. This has just been three years of non sense. Its funny how when I first learned I was pregnant he gave this heart felt speech about how we were going to get married and he was going to do everything that he could to make sure that we were taken care of. Three years in yeah. I basically do everything. Pickups and drop off's, emergency runs to the ER in the middle of the night, baths, meals, days off work from being sick, Dr.'s appt etc. He does what he can and then will blame everything on well you know my job and I cannot get off work.
But here's the thing he will take off to take a trip, get his car fixed, go to a party. Things that benefit him. But then will nit pick at my parenting. The latest one has been why are you not brushing his hair. Guys this is a three year that goes to day care all day. Do you think that they will return from daycare the way that they were sent. NO! Its just annoying. Especially when you know that you do everything and then to have someone that does the minimum treat you like you are not doing anything. |
Anonymous
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Yup, it sucks. You have to understand that you have little to no control over things while LO is with his father. He doesn't have to respond to your calls or texts.
This will start getting much easier (it will never be easy). As your child gets a bit older, you will worry less about the little things as your kid will be able to advocate for himself a little bit. Until then, just relax as much as you can. It is really a good thing for your child to have his father in his life. Although it makes your job harder and more complicated in some respects, you have to think of it as a gift that you are giving your child. He will grow up feeling loved by two parents. It sounds like you are a bit on the anxious side and maybe a bit controlling (aren't we all?). Try to take a step back and let your ex do things his way on his time. If he comments on your parenting, just take it with a grain of salt. Ask yourself if you have also been critical of him. Maybe try to get things off on a better foot. Complement your ex on the things he does well. Try to be less confrontational. You never know...it might help. In any circumstance, it is unlikely to make things worse. |
Anonymous
Don't you answer your own question pp? |
Anonymous
Please show me where I answered my own question. OP, I posted that response because I basically have the same ex and so does a friend, but she calls daily when her DD is with dad and he doesn't allow her to talk unless he's had her for several days (which is quite rare). I've given her the same advice: On the random weekends when he actually shows up, don't call. All it does is lead to my friend feeling bummed for half of the day. A child won't be emotionally damaged from not speaking to their mom daily. My ex no longer does that to me because he knows that I will just not bother to call if I get attitude. He used to do a ton of things that would get under my skin and hurt my feelings, because I allowed him to. I've been called out of my name and in front of our child, told how much I'm hated, treated coldly, etc. I fortunately had a good friend (single father, now remarried) school me on how to avoid engaging with him at all. You have to work on removing emotion from any interactions with him. Don't argue. If there is something that you need to speak with him about and he tries to bait you into an argument, end the conversation. "I see that this isn't a good time to talk so I'm leaving/will talk to you later." It's one of the hardest things to do, but its effective. I initially received more insults, but over time, he realized that I'd changed and so he has too. I actually received an apology last year for all of the name-calling in previous years. You have to figure out a way to be OK with the imbalance in the parental relationship. He said he would do X and he hasn't. What can you do better with the wisdom you have now? You can choose a better mate going forward, because you understand what your values are more clearly now. You can look for alternative ways to lighten your load (what can be outsourced??). You can assume 100% responsibility for what needs to be done so that when he does actually contribute, its a bonus. You can choose to focus solely on yourself when your DC is with dad and enjoy the break. I certainly do and without guilt. |