Coparenting with a difficult parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop calling and texting during his time unless its an emergency. Sounds like he only has him for a full day at a time. Why are you walking into that drama and expecting any different?

Don't you answer your own question pp?

Please show me where I answered my own question.

OP, I posted that response because I basically have the same ex and so does a friend, but she calls daily when her DD is with dad and he doesn't allow her to talk unless he's had her for several days (which is quite rare). I've given her the same advice: On the random weekends when he actually shows up, don't call. All it does is lead to my friend feeling bummed for half of the day. A child won't be emotionally damaged from not speaking to their mom daily.

My ex no longer does that to me because he knows that I will just not bother to call if I get attitude. He used to do a ton of things that would get under my skin and hurt my feelings, because I allowed him to. I've been called out of my name and in front of our child, told how much I'm hated, treated coldly, etc. I fortunately had a good friend (single father, now remarried) school me on how to avoid engaging with him at all. You have to work on removing emotion from any interactions with him. Don't argue. If there is something that you need to speak with him about and he tries to bait you into an argument, end the conversation. "I see that this isn't a good time to talk so I'm leaving/will talk to you later." It's one of the hardest things to do, but its effective. I initially received more insults, but over time, he realized that I'd changed and so he has too. I actually received an apology last year for all of the name-calling in previous years.

You have to figure out a way to be OK with the imbalance in the parental relationship. He said he would do X and he hasn't. What can you do better with the wisdom you have now? You can choose a better mate going forward, because you understand what your values are more clearly now. You can look for alternative ways to lighten your load (what can be outsourced??). You can assume 100% responsibility for what needs to be done so that when he does actually contribute, its a bonus. You can choose to focus solely on yourself when your DC is with dad and enjoy the break. I certainly do and without guilt.

This is really good advice and really well explained. Thanks for posting. I am not the OP, but I am impressed with your ability to improve your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop calling and texting during his time unless its an emergency. Sounds like he only has him for a full day at a time. Why are you walking into that drama and expecting any different?

Don't you answer your own question pp?

Please show me where I answered my own question.

OP, I posted that response because I basically have the same ex and so does a friend, but she calls daily when her DD is with dad and he doesn't allow her to talk unless he's had her for several days (which is quite rare). I've given her the same advice: On the random weekends when he actually shows up, don't call. All it does is lead to my friend feeling bummed for half of the day. A child won't be emotionally damaged from not speaking to their mom daily.

My ex no longer does that to me because he knows that I will just not bother to call if I get attitude. He used to do a ton of things that would get under my skin and hurt my feelings, because I allowed him to. I've been called out of my name and in front of our child, told how much I'm hated, treated coldly, etc. I fortunately had a good friend (single father, now remarried) school me on how to avoid engaging with him at all. You have to work on removing emotion from any interactions with him. Don't argue. If there is something that you need to speak with him about and he tries to bait you into an argument, end the conversation. "I see that this isn't a good time to talk so I'm leaving/will talk to you later." It's one of the hardest things to do, but its effective. I initially received more insults, but over time, he realized that I'd changed and so he has too. I actually received an apology last year for all of the name-calling in previous years.

You have to figure out a way to be OK with the imbalance in the parental relationship. He said he would do X and he hasn't. What can you do better with the wisdom you have now? You can choose a better mate going forward, because you understand what your values are more clearly now. You can look for alternative ways to lighten your load (what can be outsourced??). You can assume 100% responsibility for what needs to be done so that when he does actually contribute, its a bonus. You can choose to focus solely on yourself when your DC is with dad and enjoy the break. I certainly do and without guilt.

This is really good advice and really well explained. Thanks for posting. I am not the OP, but I am impressed with your ability to improve your situation.

It's pretty horrible to not let a kid talk to their other parent. This is in my custody order. I talk to kid once a day. Kid can call me and family whenever and dad has to help. Dad has unlimited call time. Fing bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Update: Yesterday I enjoyed my day and did not call once. Well when his Dad dropped him off this morning he began to pick I ask him to please leave. He informed me that I was not a good mother because I did not call and check on the LO at all yesterday. This is what I mean by him. If I call he has an attitude if I don't he has an attitude. As much as it hurt today in the inside and as much as I wanted to scream and yell back it took everything in me to remain quite. Something has to give. This is tiring.

[Anonymous]

Please show me where I answered my own question.

OP, I posted that response because I basically have the same ex and so does a friend, but she calls daily when her DD is with dad and he doesn't allow her to talk unless he's had her for several days (which is quite rare). I've given her the same advice: On the random weekends when he actually shows up, don't call. All it does is lead to my friend feeling bummed for half of the day. A child won't be emotionally damaged from not speaking to their mom daily.

My ex no longer does that to me because he knows that I will just not bother to call if I get attitude. He used to do a ton of things that would get under my skin and hurt my feelings, because I allowed him to. I've been called out of my name and in front of our child, told how much I'm hated, treated coldly, etc. I fortunately had a good friend (single father, now remarried) school me on how to avoid engaging with him at all. You have to work on removing emotion from any interactions with him. Don't argue. If there is something that you need to speak with him about and he tries to bait you into an argument, end the conversation. "I see that this isn't a good time to talk so I'm leaving/will talk to you later." It's one of the hardest things to do, but its effective. I initially received more insults, but over time, he realized that I'd changed and so he has too. I actually received an apology last year for all of the name-calling in previous years.

You have to figure out a way to be OK with the imbalance in the parental relationship. He said he would do X and he hasn't. What can you do better with the wisdom you have now? You can choose a better mate going forward, because you understand what your values are more clearly now. You can look for alternative ways to lighten your load (what can be outsourced??). You can assume 100% responsibility for what needs to be done so that when he does actually contribute, its a bonus. You can choose to focus solely on yourself when your DC is with dad and enjoy the break. I certainly do and without guilt.



Update: Yesterday I enjoyed my day and did not call once. Well when his Dad dropped him off this morning he began to pick I ask him to please leave. He informed me that I was not a good mother because I did not call and check on the LO at all yesterday. This is what I mean by him. If I call he has an attitude if I don't he has an attitude. As much as it hurt today in the inside and as much as I wanted to scream and yell back it took everything in me to remain quite. Something has to give. This is tiring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Please show me where I answered my own question.

OP, I posted that response because I basically have the same ex and so does a friend, but she calls daily when her DD is with dad and he doesn't allow her to talk unless he's had her for several days (which is quite rare). I've given her the same advice: On the random weekends when he actually shows up, don't call. All it does is lead to my friend feeling bummed for half of the day. A child won't be emotionally damaged from not speaking to their mom daily.

My ex no longer does that to me because he knows that I will just not bother to call if I get attitude. He used to do a ton of things that would get under my skin and hurt my feelings, because I allowed him to. I've been called out of my name and in front of our child, told how much I'm hated, treated coldly, etc. I fortunately had a good friend (single father, now remarried) school me on how to avoid engaging with him at all. You have to work on removing emotion from any interactions with him. Don't argue. If there is something that you need to speak with him about and he tries to bait you into an argument, end the conversation. "I see that this isn't a good time to talk so I'm leaving/will talk to you later." It's one of the hardest things to do, but its effective. I initially received more insults, but over time, he realized that I'd changed and so he has too. I actually received an apology last year for all of the name-calling in previous years.

You have to figure out a way to be OK with the imbalance in the parental relationship. He said he would do X and he hasn't. What can you do better with the wisdom you have now? You can choose a better mate going forward, because you understand what your values are more clearly now. You can look for alternative ways to lighten your load (what can be outsourced??). You can assume 100% responsibility for what needs to be done so that when he does actually contribute, its a bonus. You can choose to focus solely on yourself when your DC is with dad and enjoy the break. I certainly do and without guilt.

Update: Yesterday I enjoyed my day and did not call once. Well when his Dad dropped him off this morning he began to pick I ask him to please leave. He informed me that I was not a good mother because I did not call and check on the LO at all yesterday. This is what I mean by him. If I call he has an attitude if I don't he has an attitude. As much as it hurt today in the inside and as much as I wanted to scream and yell back it took everything in me to remain quite. Something has to give. This is tiring.


PP here. Baby steps! When you did not call, it probably occurred to him that you might actually have been enjoying yourself, so he just threw some guilt your way. It sucks, but you can't respond. His power before was access to your son when in his care and now he's trying guilt. I bet alot of that is projection. I got more taunts at times when my ex was really slacking personally or professionally. As I've mentioned, it might get worse before it gets better. Engaging with him will make you feel even more like crap. Good job though.

[Anonymous]

PP I feel like I want to sit on your couch with a glass of wine! loL! Thank you for the advice. I need it.

[Anonymous]

I recommend the book Co parenting with a Jerk. It is a lot a but how to refocus these kinds of crazy mind games, stop feeling c ontrolled by them, etc.

This is the thing: he's getting off on making you nuts. You need to find a way to get yourself calm enough. I read the book when I realized my ex wasn't going t o move on, or change. Our DR was 4. I realized I could be facing 14 m ore years like this. Gave me pause

[Anonymous]

Try texting him--please have DC call me at your convenience. Then let it go (after documenting this, of course). Then the ball is in his court and you aren't a 'bad mommy'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP I feel like I want to sit on your couch with a glass of wine! loL! Thank you for the advice. I need it.

LOL! That would be fun.

While things are usually decent to good, I still go through it from time to time. As our child gets older, the time in between squabbles has lengthened. From at least weekly, to monthly, to semi monthly, quarterly, etc. I haven't argued back in 2-3 years. That said, its "time" for a tantrum soon, because its been months. He's been trying to bait me recently and I haven't participated. I was tested today actually and thought of this thread.lol What usually helps is giving him 30 mins to emotionally dump on me once in awhile with respect to what he's unhappy about concerning our child and then we're good for awhile. I just have to get in the space for it since its about choices I've made (choice of school/doctor/extracurricular activity) and his life (overworked on the job, money is tight, etc). You'll figure out what works best for your situation over time.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Do you guys email?

Does he text/call when your child is with you?

What about this:

Let's come to an understanding about what level of contact we should have with each other when CHILD'S NAME is with the other parent. Does this make sense: PROPOSE SOMETHING. This would change if CHILD'S NAME were sick, and more frequent updates would be warranted. I want to make this work more smoothly. As CHILD's NAME gets older, it would be great if he/she knew that we were sharing our experiences with him/her with each other.

Am I optimistic for you re: the above? Based on what you've shared, no. My ex did the same thing ... not answer the phone, even when we were supposed to call to discuss homework. He basically denied me phone access to my child. When your child is older and able to speak on the phone, your lawyer can request specific phone access. When your child is in sixth or whatever grade he/she gets a cell phone, you will not have to rely on your ex to communicate with your child.

It's hell ... I think what happened when you did not call might be better than the torture he puts you through when you text and he does not respond. Why? You know you're a kickass mother! My two cents.

[Anonymous]

What about this is a suggested email, only the paragraph that start's with "Let's come to an understanding ... "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Please show me where I answered my own question.

OP, I posted that response because I basically have the same ex and so does a friend, but she calls daily when her DD is with dad and he doesn't allow her to talk unless he's had her for several days (which is quite rare). I've given her the same advice: On the random weekends when he actually shows up, don't call. All it does is lead to my friend feeling bummed for half of the day. A child won't be emotionally damaged from not speaking to their mom daily.

My ex no longer does that to me because he knows that I will just not bother to call if I get attitude. He used to do a ton of things that would get under my skin and hurt my feelings, because I allowed him to. I've been called out of my name and in front of our child, told how much I'm hated, treated coldly, etc. I fortunately had a good friend (single father, now remarried) school me on how to avoid engaging with him at all. You have to work on removing emotion from any interactions with him. Don't argue. If there is something that you need to speak with him about and he tries to bait you into an argument, end the conversation. "I see that this isn't a good time to talk so I'm leaving/will talk to you later." It's one of the hardest things to do, but its effective. I initially received more insults, but over time, he realized that I'd changed and so he has too. I actually received an apology last year for all of the name-calling in previous years.

You have to figure out a way to be OK with the imbalance in the parental relationship. He said he would do X and he hasn't. What can you do better with the wisdom you have now? You can choose a better mate going forward, because you understand what your values are more clearly now. You can look for alternative ways to lighten your load (what can be outsourced??). You can assume 100% responsibility for what needs to be done so that when he does actually contribute, its a bonus. You can choose to focus solely on yourself when your DC is with dad and enjoy the break. I certainly do and without guilt.

Update: Yesterday I enjoyed my day and did not call once. Well when his Dad dropped him off this morning he began to pick I ask him to please leave. He informed me that I was not a good mother because I did not call and check on the LO at all yesterday. This is what I mean by him. If I call he has an attitude if I don't he has an attitude. As much as it hurt today in the inside and as much as I wanted to scream and yell back it took everything in me to remain quite. Something has to give. This is tiring.


OP, when the pot calls the kettle black, the kettle just ignores it. Who cares about his opinion? You could have said "I wanted to give you some space. Hope you had a good visit" and then just smiled. You know, that smile you give people who try to cut you off in traffic but fail, or try to cut you in line but you don't let them.

Serenity now!

[Anonymous]

Its OP here. So since last week I am guessing that he is still angry. I have not spoken to him since he dropped the LO off. Typically he would text or call to see how the LO is doing and also will attempt (sometimes) to try an pick him up from daycare at least once or twice through out the week. Well you guessed it this week I did all of the drop off and pick up's. Also, he is responsible for paying childcare. Typically he will give me the money on Thursday or he will go pay the babysitter on Friday and will shoot me a text saying if he has paid or not. I will find out on Tuesday when I drop the LO off if he paid. If he has not paid he is going to push me to file child support something I really did not want to do.

[Anonymous]

OP.
How long have you two been apart? It sounds like you are both connected emotionally and the connection is conflicted. (Therapists call this "negative intimacy.") Can you see a therapist to give you skills to navigate? Would he see someone with you? When your child enters K and there are academics (it starts then, reading, etc.) you two are going to have to work together and ommunicate well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP.
How long have you two been apart? It sounds like you are both connected emotionally and the connection is conflicted. (Therapists call this "negative intimacy.") Can you see a therapist to give you skills to navigate? Would he see someone with you? When your child enters K and there are academics (it starts then, reading, etc.) you two are going to have to work together and communicate well.

This is true. A while back he agreed to therapy I would need to speak with him again to see if he is still up to this. Honestly at this point I enjoy not talking to him. Arguing all the time is draining. I mean its silly arguments I could say the sky is blue he will say what makes you think its blue thats stupid why would you say that. That is how silly the arguments are. Communicating with him is more of him talking at me and not to me. His words are always harsh and he so arrogant. ex. His work hours changed on his weekend and like always he did not tell me. So when the weekend came around that Friday at 5pm when I had plans he said I do not get off until 7pm. I said how is that possible when you have to pick up the LO. He told me in these words. "I cannot pick him up and thats what it is. Just deal with it."

My thing is this that could of happened differently at I know that he knew before 5pm that he was not going to be able to pick up LO. You tell me at the last minute and then you are so arrogant about "Just deal with it."

Its called communication. Had you called me and said hey I know its my weekend I am so sorry I am not getting off until 7pm can you please pick up LO and I will get him from you when I get off. Its simple things.