Reply to Coparenting with a difficult parent.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Stop calling and texting during his time unless its an emergency. Sounds like he only has him for a full day at a time. Why are you walking into that drama and expecting any different?[/quote]

Don't you answer your own question pp?[/quote]

Please show me where I answered my own question.

OP, I posted that response because I basically have the same ex and so does a friend, but she calls daily when her DD is with dad and he doesn't allow her to talk unless he's had her for several days (which is quite rare). I've given her the same advice: On the random weekends when he actually shows up, don't call. All it does is lead to my friend feeling bummed for half of the day. A child won't be emotionally damaged from not speaking to their mom daily.

My ex no longer does that to me because he knows that I will just not bother to call if I get attitude. He used to do a ton of things that would get under my skin and hurt my feelings, because I allowed him to. I've been called out of my name and in front of our child, told how much I'm hated, treated coldly, etc. I fortunately had a good friend (single father, now remarried) school me on how to avoid engaging with him at all. You have to work on removing emotion from any interactions with him. Don't argue. If there is something that you need to speak with him about and he tries to bait you into an argument, end the conversation. "I see that this isn't a good time to talk so I'm leaving/will talk to you later." It's one of the hardest things to do, but its effective. I initially received more insults, but over time, he realized that I'd changed and so he has too. I actually received an apology last year for all of the name-calling in previous years.

You have to figure out a way to be OK with the imbalance in the parental relationship. He said he would do X and he hasn't. What can you do better with the wisdom you have now? You can choose a better mate going forward, because you understand what your values are more clearly now. You can look for alternative ways to lighten your load (what can be outsourced??). You can assume 100% responsibility for what needs to be done so that when he does actually contribute, its a bonus. You can choose to focus solely on yourself when your DC is with dad and enjoy the break. I certainly do and without guilt.[/quote]

This, this this. You have to step back on non-custodial days. Don't call unless there is an emergency. Cut out the emotional engagement. Keep it breezy and light and smile. I am serious, even if you hate the guy. It's so, so important to try to foster a good sense when you are doing the transition. Focus on the big picture. Is the child safe? Is the child fed, etc. Otherwise, let it go. As the main custodial parent, yes, it's all on you, but that's fine. Basically put down the rope and keep it moving.[/quote]

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