WAPO piece from adoptive mom to teacher

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Pp who adopted her niece: respectfully, the language around adoption matters a lot to adoptees. It is not just a matter of being pc. You yourself acknowledged that it hadn't occurred to you that your daughter might suffer some complications due to her adoption. This means that you still have a lot to learn. Which is fine, she's only two. However, since you did take on this child as yours, you really do owe it to her to educate yourself. It may be that she is perfectly fine, as many, many adoptees are. However, it may also be that she struggles, and you should be prepared. Please.

Adult adoptee here. I agree with this PP completely.

If I knew that my mother was using language like "real mother," I'd be extremely hurt and feel betrayed.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive mom, I find it condescending and inappropriate. Adoption is no different than many other style families and her hyper focus tells me its more an issue for her than the kids. She may be grieving her infertility or have issues surrounding her adopting. For a family tree - we just add an extra branch to include our child's birth mom and her family, whom we are very close to.

When you make a choice to artificially twinning (as known in the adoption community) children by adopting so close in age, that is a risk you take. This is her hang up, not the children's or the teachers.

The author seems to be attention seeking. Angry that two kids in the same grade are called "twins" That they are not is guaranteed to raise questions. She also seems a bit sickly sweet complimentary of the teacher, which sounds manipulative.

[Anonymous]

When I read things like this, I think of all the other situations that have similar difficulties for children whose parents don't write pieces and try to drive publicity and name recognition for themselves.
1. Children whose parents are divorced and don't see a parent
2. Children whose parent has died.
3. Children who don't know who their father is
4. Children whose parent is in jail

Need I go on?
Ranting about your specific situation in such a way to a teacher, which is really a thinly veiled attempt to educate "us all" is in really poor taste and makes the writer seem really unaware of the realities of many children who also have difficult family lives.
And to think the teacher and general public need to be chastised is ridiculous

[Anonymous]

It is an empty piece that has been written many times before. This version is just more childish than many others.

[Anonymous]

^^ I hope the author gets some help on how to deal with her anger and strategies to help her children deal with their family status.
It is no different to me than a friend whose husband was sent to prison for accounting fraud/ theft, or the 2 children I know who have never met their fathers, or even my high school friend who has custody of her sisters child because her sister is on drugs traveling across the country and the child's father is long gone.
A family tree is not going to be great for them either, to say nothing of Muffins with Mom and Fathers Day Fun.

[Anonymous]

Witch - she should take the chip off her shoulder and explain to the teacher who the kids are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp who adopted her niece: respectfully, the language around adoption matters a lot to adoptees. It is not just a matter of being pc. You yourself acknowledged that it hadn't occurred to you that your daughter might suffer some complications due to her adoption. This means that you still have a lot to learn. Which is fine, she's only two. However, since you did take on this child as yours, you really do owe it to her to educate yourself. It may be that she is perfectly fine, as many, many adoptees are. However, it may also be that she struggles, and you should be prepared. Please.

So we've agreed. She's only two. We'll deal with this stuff if/when it comes up. I'm not worried. Right now I'm worried that she doesn't talk.

Why did you take this little girl in if you are so not interested in being her mom? You don't want to be the "real" mother, you don't want to understand adoption, you don't want to try and educate yourself to help her grow up in an emotionally stable environment.

In all honestly, the best long term thing you can do is approach an adoption attorney and discuss a private adoption. I promise there are women out there who will take this little girl and make her the center of their world, will gladly be the real mom, will pour over adoption advice and do whatever it takes to make sure she has an emotionally stable life and good self esteem. Don't rob this little girl of the chance to have a mom who is truly a mom in every sense of the word. Not everyone is cut out to be an adoptive parent.

And lastly by the time the issues come up when your child is school age, it's pretty much too late. You have a window of the first 3 years to help a child with early life trauma and attachment. Once the window closes, it's a very tough uphill battle. Supported by research, do yours, you will find it,

We took her because we were literally scared she was going to be dead every evening when we came home from work. And because nobody else in the family was doing anything. And because my husband begged (his sister's daughter) me. I know everyone's raising special snowflakes these days. I'm not. You are assuming things that are not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp who adopted her niece: respectfully, the language around adoption matters a lot to adoptees. It is not just a matter of being pc. You yourself acknowledged that it hadn't occurred to you that your daughter might suffer some complications due to her adoption. This means that you still have a lot to learn. Which is fine, she's only two. However, since you did take on this child as yours, you really do owe it to her to educate yourself. It may be that she is perfectly fine, as many, many adoptees are. However, it may also be that she struggles, and you should be prepared. Please.

So we've agreed. She's only two. We'll deal with this stuff if/when it comes up. I'm not worried. Right now I'm worried that she doesn't talk.

Why did you take this little girl in if you are so not interested in being her mom? You don't want to be the "real" mother, you don't want to understand adoption, you don't want to try and educate yourself to help her grow up in an emotionally stable environment.

In all honestly, the best long term thing you can do is approach an adoption attorney and discuss a private adoption. I promise there are women out there who will take this little girl and make her the center of their world, will gladly be the real mom, will pour over adoption advice and do whatever it takes to make sure she has an emotionally stable life and good self esteem. Don't rob this little girl of the chance to have a mom who is truly a mom in every sense of the word. Not everyone is cut out to be an adoptive parent.

And lastly by the time the issues come up when your child is school age, it's pretty much too late. You have a window of the first 3 years to help a child with early life trauma and attachment. Once the window closes, it's a very tough uphill battle. Supported by research, do yours, you will find it,

We took her because we were literally scared she was going to be dead every evening when we came home from work. And because nobody else in the family was doing anything. And because my husband begged (his sister's daughter) me. I know everyone's raising special snowflakes these days. I'm not. You are assuming things that are not true.

That makes me cry. Everyone should have a parent who thinks they're special.

It's great that you took in a child who needed support. But children need so much more than food and shelter -- they need to be loved. And I'm not feeling the love, at least not based on what you've posted.

[Anonymous]

Poor kid. She doesn't get a real mom. Her bio mom is incapable and the mom who is raising her doesn't see the need.

[Anonymous]

Speaking as an adoptive mom, would everyone lay off the aunt?

She is doing right by the child in her care. It is a kinship adoption, which is different in so many ways from other kinds of adoption (such as mine -- international, semi-open).

I vehemently disagree with the PP who suggested looking into a private adoption -- it's awesome that your niece/daughter is able to be cared for within her family of origin, and it's a terrible idea to consider a private adoption on the basis of -- what, exactly? That her parent isn't sentimental about motherhood and prioritizes her child's development (e.g. speech delays) over adoption-friendly language.

[Anonymous]

As an adoptee, I LOVE this letter! Doing my family tree in 5th grade felt somewhat false despite my love for my family. I was teased just once for being adopted but it was soul crushing. Being adopted does add another layer and is important to acknowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee, I LOVE this letter! Doing my family tree in 5th grade felt somewhat false despite my love for my family. I was teased just once for being adopted but it was soul crushing. Being adopted does add another layer and is important to acknowledge.

You just have a more special family tree - include everyone. We get strange looks but we consider birth mom's family our family so we'd just have three parents vs. two. No biggie. Everyone at his school knows he's adopted and it not a big deal. The issue is how the adoptive family handles it and it sounds like your issue is with how your parents handled it as the blog/article writer. She is looking for a news story, couldn't find one so she created an issue for her kids that isn't even an issue right now. She's looking to financially profit from her kids.

[Anonymous]

Adoptive parent here. People say "real" mother/father ALL the time to me about my kids in reference to the biological parents and not US!!! It is VERY insulting to me and my young children. I view it as my duty to correct it every single time. In terms of family trees: when I was growing up, we had a school assignment to do one and trace our family roots back to the country of origin since, according to the teacher, we are all immigrants. Well, in my case, as an AA, it was not immigration that got my family here. We are from somewhere on the continent of Africa - trying to identify the country in Africa is pure speculation. It was a horrible assignment and a horrible set-up of the assignment. anyway, my own adopted kids who do not look anything like me have never received a family tree assignment. I have no idea what the teachers think they know about us - some may think adoption, some may think they are mine from a prior relationship, etc. If it comes up naturally in conversation, I/we are open about it and my kids know they are adopted. But I do not expect teachers to ask me questions about my children's backgrounds that they would not ask of every other parent unless there is some connection to something that is happening at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as an adoptive mom, would everyone lay off the aunt?

She is doing right by the child in her care. It is a kinship adoption, which is different in so many ways from other kinds of adoption (such as mine -- international, semi-open).

I vehemently disagree with the PP who suggested looking into a private adoption -- it's awesome that your niece/daughter is able to be cared for within her family of origin, and it's a terrible idea to consider a private adoption on the basis of -- what, exactly? That her parent isn't sentimental about motherhood and prioritizes her child's development (e.g. speech delays) over adoption-friendly language.

I am the adoptive mom who suggested private adoption for the aunt.

crappy biological family who thinks you are worthless and treats you like crap doesn't trump a loving adoptive family who supports a continued relationship with the biological family. The aunt can find that throug private adoption.

Adopted or not, a child who grows up with a mother who has the attitude " you aren't special to me. I had to take you in - no one else wanted you" - is sadly just doomed to a childhood of low self esteem.

Like I said not everyone is cut out to be an adoptive parent and the aunt is clearly one of those people. She can place the child privately and when questioned by people she knows the simple answer is her biological mother choose an adoptive placement for the child and there was nothing she could do bc the biological mother has the right to make that choice. Whether the statement is true or not doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as an adoptive mom, would everyone lay off the aunt?

She is doing right by the child in her care. It is a kinship adoption, which is different in so many ways from other kinds of adoption (such as mine -- international, semi-open).

I vehemently disagree with the PP who suggested looking into a private adoption -- it's awesome that your niece/daughter is able to be cared for within her family of origin, and it's a terrible idea to consider a private adoption on the basis of -- what, exactly? That her parent isn't sentimental about motherhood and prioritizes her child's development (e.g. speech delays) over adoption-friendly language.

I am the adoptive mom who suggested private adoption for the aunt.

crappy biological family who thinks you are worthless and treats you like crap doesn't trump a loving adoptive family who supports a continued relationship with the biological family. The aunt can find that throug private adoption.

Adopted or not, a child who grows up with a mother who has the attitude " you aren't special to me. I had to take you in - no one else wanted you" - is sadly just doomed to a childhood of low self esteem.

Like I said not everyone is cut out to be an adoptive parent and the aunt is clearly one of those people. She can place the child privately and when questioned by people she knows the simple answer is her biological mother choose an adoptive placement for the child and there was nothing she could do bc the biological mother has the right to make that choice. Whether the statement is true or not doesn't matter.

What are you talking about? Aunt seems like a great mom - she just isn't prepared for all the questions. Is this about your need and the demand for young kids for adoption or something else as it makes no sense.