WAPO piece from adoptive mom to teacher

[Anonymous]

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2015/08/20/a-letter-to-the-kindergarten-teacher-from-an-adoptive-mom/

Am I the only one who thinks she sounds like a condescending witch? I'm sure she's heard plenty of ignorant comments about her children but I think it's a terrible idea to start her relationship with a new teacher in this manner. I also think it's odd that she's sharing so much personal information about her children's background so publicly. This just made me feel yucky.

Also, adopted children have family trees, too! They just aren't genetically related to all the people on the tree. I don't know why she's insisting on highlighting her children's differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2015/08/20/a-letter-to-the-kindergarten-teacher-from-an-adoptive-mom/

Am I the only one who thinks she sounds like a condescending witch? I'm sure she's heard plenty of ignorant comments about her children but I think it's a terrible idea to start her relationship with a new teacher in this manner. I also think it's odd that she's sharing so much personal information about her children's background so publicly. This just made me feel yucky.

Also, adopted children have family trees, too! They just aren't genetically related to all the people on the tree. I don't know why she's insisting on highlighting her children's differences.

OP, are YOU an adoptive parent? Not asking to challenge you in any way...just wondering from what perspective you're coming.

[Anonymous]

I think that it's a fine and useful piece. (I am not an adoptive parent or an adoptee.) OP, what's your problem with it?

[Anonymous]

This is interesting. I am an adoptive mom, though we are all same race and my kids were adopted at birth, so some issues would be the same and some would be different. I have chosen not to share with teachers that my kids were adopted, but I might have chosen differently if it were more obvious, such as interracial families. We haven't gotten one yet, but I hate the idea of the family tree assignment. Yes, they do have us as their family tree but don't you see how it can easily be confusing or sad for a child coming from a nontraditional family? What about other kids who will demean or make fun (unfortunately, this happens). Plus, if you don't want to talk about or share it, you have to lie, which I wouldn't want to teach my kids. It's a bad assignment for lots of people for lots of reasons.

[Anonymous]

Oh shit. We adopted my niece when she was a few months old, and she has some issues we are trying to fix. I have had fleeting thoughts about how those will get dealt with if they're not resolved by the time she's old enough for school. It hadn't occurred to me that she'll ALSO have to deal with being adopted. Shit.

[Anonymous]

As an adoptive mom, I find it condescending and inappropriate. Adoption is no different than many other style families and her hyper focus tells me its more an issue for her than the kids. She may be grieving her infertility or have issues surrounding her adopting. For a family tree - we just add an extra branch to include our child's birth mom and her family, whom we are very close to.

When you make a choice to artificially twinning (as known in the adoption community) children by adopting so close in age, that is a risk you take. This is her hang up, not the children's or the teachers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh shit. We adopted my niece when she was a few months old, and she has some issues we are trying to fix. I have had fleeting thoughts about how those will get dealt with if they're not resolved by the time she's old enough for school. It hadn't occurred to me that she'll ALSO have to deal with being adopted. Shit.

Many kids, birth or adopted have medical or developmental or other issues. Don't over think it. The more you over think it, the more kids do.

[Anonymous]

I'm shocked that you didn't think a child who was adopted might have concerns stemming from that?

However you illustrate my point regarding the family tree assignment if it happens for you. Perhaps your daughter would feel uncomfortable telling the world you are her bio aunt and her mom. Or perhaps she would be uncomfortable not including (or deciding to include) her bio mom on the tree. Or whatever. Point is, for her, it might not be a happy easy assignment and teachers should recognize that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive mom, I find it condescending and inappropriate. Adoption is no different than many other style families and her hyper focus tells me its more an issue for her than the kids. She may be grieving her infertility or have issues surrounding her adopting. For a family tree - we just add an extra branch to include our child's birth mom and her family, whom we are very close to.

When you make a choice to artificially twinning (as known in the adoption community) children by adopting so close in age, that is a risk you take. This is her hang up, not the children's or the teachers.

Adoption is different -- because it's adoption. However, as you say, there are many different ways to be a family, as well as many different living arrangements. In my limited experience, teachers/classrooms/curricula aren't so great at acknowledging the existence of anything other than the biological mother/biological father model.

[Anonymous]

I am an adoptive Mom and DD is a different race, Its a bit condescending but I get why she said what she said. I think it helps the teacher to know a bit of background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive mom, I find it condescending and inappropriate. Adoption is no different than many other style families and her hyper focus tells me its more an issue for her than the kids. She may be grieving her infertility or have issues surrounding her adopting. For a family tree - we just add an extra branch to include our child's birth mom and her family, whom we are very close to.

When you make a choice to artificially twinning (as known in the adoption community) children by adopting so close in age, that is a risk you take. This is her hang up, not the children's or the teachers.

Ok. That works for your family. You see how this wouldn't work for all families, correct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive mom, I find it condescending and inappropriate. Adoption is no different than many other style families and her hyper focus tells me its more an issue for her than the kids. She may be grieving her infertility or have issues surrounding her adopting. For a family tree - we just add an extra branch to include our child's birth mom and her family, whom we are very close to.

When you make a choice to artificially twinning (as known in the adoption community) children by adopting so close in age, that is a risk you take. This is her hang up, not the children's or the teachers.

Ok. That works for your family. You see how this wouldn't work for all families, correct?

Then find a way that works for your family. My mom is adopted and we don't include her birth family on our tree - they are not considered part of our family, we don't know them. But we most certainly have a family tree. My grandmother is my grandmother whether we're genetically related or not.

[Anonymous]

Asian adoptee here.

She raises good points. Adoption language is ever-evolving, but the word "real" to describe someone's birth parents is never correct. And yes, I was, and still am as an adult, asked frequently about my "real" parents.

Personally, I had no issues with doing a family tree- I used my adoptive family's information, and no one ever challenged me on whether that was ok or not (besides, I didn't know anything about my birth family so there was no info to use). But I was ok with not knowing...other adoptees can have a very, very difficult time with not knowing their birth roots. Same with baby pictures. For some adoptees, bringing in baby pictures is impossible and that can raise a host of issues with young children. I don't think the author is saying ban those activities, just that she ask that there be awareness and sensitivity surrounding choices.

I'm also an adoptive mother. I wouldn't have written a letter in such a public manner, but have also struggled with what to tell my children's teachers about their being adopted (I never share their story, as it's theirs to tell and not mine). I've asked teachers who are also adoptive parents their thoughts and most have suggested that they would appreciate a head's up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked that you didn't think a child who was adopted might have concerns stemming from that?

However you illustrate my point regarding the family tree assignment if it happens for you. Perhaps your daughter would feel uncomfortable telling the world you are her bio aunt and her mom. Or perhaps she would be uncomfortable not including (or deciding to include) her bio mom on the tree. Or whatever. Point is, for her, it might not be a happy easy assignment and teachers should recognize that

Well she's two. And she doesn't talk at all. And I don't think she knows that I'm not her real mother. And yeah, we didn't plan on adopting at all - it was very disjointed and not as if DH and I decided "Let's grow our family through adoption!" So yeah, it hadn't occurred to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive mom, I find it condescending and inappropriate. Adoption is no different than many other style families and her hyper focus tells me its more an issue for her than the kids. She may be grieving her infertility or have issues surrounding her adopting. For a family tree - we just add an extra branch to include our child's birth mom and her family, whom we are very close to.

When you make a choice to artificially twinning (as known in the adoption community) children by adopting so close in age, that is a risk you take. This is her hang up, not the children's or the teachers.

I'm the OP. I think you nailed my issue with the piece, PP. Yes, she brings up real issues for adoptive families, but this just reeks of her hang ups. I also just don't like assuming the new teacher is an idiot. Don't most people know not to say "real mom" or "real dad"?

For those that asked, I am not an adoptive parent. I am the child of an adoptee and my brother is adopted.