WAPO piece from adoptive mom to teacher

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive mom, I find it condescending and inappropriate. Adoption is no different than many other style families and her hyper focus tells me its more an issue for her than the kids. She may be grieving her infertility or have issues surrounding her adopting. For a family tree - we just add an extra branch to include our child's birth mom and her family, whom we are very close to.

When you make a choice to artificially twinning (as known in the adoption community) children by adopting so close in age, that is a risk you take. This is her hang up, not the children's or the teachers.

I'm the OP. I think you nailed my issue with the piece, PP. Yes, she brings up real issues for adoptive families, but this just reeks of her hang ups. I also just don't like assuming the new teacher is an idiot. Don't most people know not to say "real mom" or "real dad"?

For those that asked, I am not an adoptive parent. I am the child of an adoptee and my brother is adopted.

No.

[Anonymous]

Listen, I know some adoptive moms who have a tough time coming to grips with the fact that they couldn't have children, or that their kids don't look like them, whatever.

This was an open letter in WAPO, from a psychologist. I don't really see anything wrong with it.

Obviously her kids don't look like her, and when she gets stupid questions -- like how can your kids be 4 months apart) .. I can see wanting to pen an op-ed.

I would also assume that she would speak to her school guidance counselor or principal or whatever about the situation. Or have a one on one with the teacher ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive mom, I find it condescending and inappropriate. Adoption is no different than many other style families and her hyper focus tells me its more an issue for her than the kids. She may be grieving her infertility or have issues surrounding her adopting. For a family tree - we just add an extra branch to include our child's birth mom and her family, whom we are very close to.

When you make a choice to artificially twinning (as known in the adoption community) children by adopting so close in age, that is a risk you take. This is her hang up, not the children's or the teachers.

I'm the OP. I think you nailed my issue with the piece, PP. Yes, she brings up real issues for adoptive families, but this just reeks of her hang ups. I also just don't like assuming the new teacher is an idiot. Don't most people know not to say "real mom" or "real dad"?
For those that asked, I am not an adoptive parent. I am the child of an adoptee and my brother is adopted.

No, most people do NOT know to not say real mom/dad, at least the people I've encountered in my 39 years of being adopted.

[Anonymous]

Well she's two. And she doesn't talk at all. And I don't think she knows that I'm not her real mother. And yeah, we didn't plan on adopting at all - it was very disjointed and not as if DH and I decided "Let's grow our family through adoption!" So yeah, it hadn't occurred to me.

Adult adoptee here.
YES, you ARE her "real" mother! You are the only mother she's ever known. You are the one loving her, raising her, and putting band-aids on her knees. The bonds of love are stronger than any DNA. Don't let anyone tell you different.

And remember: you set the tone for everyone else. If you don't believe your her "real" mother, she won't believe it either, and your friends won't, your family, etc. Have some courage and step into your role. Do it now, before you create an image problem for yourself and your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Well she's two. And she doesn't talk at all. And I don't think she knows that I'm not her real mother. And yeah, we didn't plan on adopting at all - it was very disjointed and not as if DH and I decided "Let's grow our family through adoption!" So yeah, it hadn't occurred to me.

Adult adoptee here.
YES, you ARE her "real" mother! You are the only mother she's ever known. You are the one loving her, raising her, and putting band-aids on her knees. The bonds of love are stronger than any DNA. Don't let anyone tell you different.

And remember: you set the tone for everyone else. If you don't believe your her "real" mother, she won't believe it either, and your friends won't, your family, etc. Have some courage and step into your role. Do it now, before you create an image problem for yourself and your child.

I, personally, would be wary of lecturing somebody who adopted her sister's (or husband's sister's) child about who is and who isn't the real mother.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP. I think you nailed my issue with the piece, PP. Yes, she brings up real issues for adoptive families, but this just reeks of her hang ups. I also just don't like assuming the new teacher is an idiot. Don't most people know not to say "real mom" or "real dad"?
For those that asked, I am not an adoptive parent. I am the child of an adoptee and my brother is adopted.


No, most people do NOT know to not say real mom/dad, at least the people I've encountered in my 39 years of being adopted.

Two thoughts on this:
--little kids do not know that they shouldn't say this.
--many older kids and adults are too lazy to use the term "biological parent," so they just don't. And since they don't understand just how hurtful that expression is---that they are inadvertently suggesting that the family this child goes home to each night is "fake"--they don't stop doing it.

[Anonymous]

This was an open letter in WAPO, from a psychologist. I don't really see anything wrong with it.

no, this was a letter to the Post from a woman who has a 4-year degree in psychology. Not the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Well she's two. And she doesn't talk at all. And I don't think she knows that I'm not her real mother. And yeah, we didn't plan on adopting at all - it was very disjointed and not as if DH and I decided "Let's grow our family through adoption!" So yeah, it hadn't occurred to me.



Adult adoptee here.
YES, you ARE her "real" mother! You are the only mother she's ever known. You are the one loving her, raising her, and putting band-aids on her knees. The bonds of love are stronger than any DNA. Don't let anyone tell you different.

And remember: you set the tone for everyone else. If you don't believe your her "real" mother, she won't believe it either, and your friends won't, your family, etc. Have some courage and step into your role. Do it now, before you create an image problem for yourself and your child.

I, personally, would be wary of lecturing somebody who adopted her sister's (or husband's sister's) child about who is and who isn't the real mother.

Are you an adoptee? Because unless you are, I do not think you are in a position to lecture me.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised she emphasizes how she raises her kids to be honest and proud of who they are...

And then she apparently never told the teacher they were adopted?

I'm the white mom of Asian kids and I would absolutely not omit this when I chatted with the teacher the first time. I'm also not pissy about it in general and am happy to answer people's questions instead of automatically lashing out and wrecking my relationships over it. I deal with it all the time, but for others, this is a new thing.

It's not fair to expect everyone in the world to know an automatic, diplomatic way to communicate about every single type of family/child out there. It's ridiculous to expect strangers to protect your feelings -- go to therapy and work it out there. Don't look for the world to provide trigger warnings and just somehow "know" what to say to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I, personally, would be wary of lecturing somebody who adopted her sister's (or husband's sister's) child about who is and who isn't the real mother.

Are you an adoptee? Because unless you are, I do not think you are in a position to lecture me.

As you say, I am in no position to lecture you. Which is why I didn't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised she emphasizes how she raises her kids to be honest and proud of who they are...

And then she apparently never told the teacher they were adopted?

I'm the white mom of Asian kids and I would absolutely not omit this when I chatted with the teacher the first time. I'm also not pissy about it in general and am happy to answer people's questions instead of automatically lashing out and wrecking my relationships over it. I deal with it all the time, but for others, this is a new thing.

It's not fair to expect everyone in the world to know an automatic, diplomatic way to communicate about every single type of family/child out there. It's ridiculous to expect strangers to protect your feelings -- go to therapy and work it out there. Don't look for the world to provide trigger warnings and just somehow "know" what to say to you!

But we are talking about teachers. And adoption is not uncommon. Shouldn't teachers know how to discuss?

And there is a difference from teaching your kids to be honest and proud of who they are without also insisting that they violate their privacy if that's not what they want to do.

And, to PP about people already knowing not to say 'real parent'. Um...no. People say crazy things. I have had a person ask me, in front of my child, why didn't his real mom want him and give him away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive mom, I find it condescending and inappropriate. Adoption is no different than many other style families and her hyper focus tells me its more an issue for her than the kids. She may be grieving her infertility or have issues surrounding her adopting. For a family tree - we just add an extra branch to include our child's birth mom and her family, whom we are very close to.

When you make a choice to artificially twinning (as known in the adoption community) children by adopting so close in age, that is a risk you take. This is her hang up, not the children's or the teachers.

Ok. That works for your family. You see how this wouldn't work for all families, correct?

Then find a way that works for your family. My mom is adopted and we don't include her birth family on our tree - they are not considered part of our family, we don't know them. But we most certainly have a family tree. My grandmother is my grandmother whether we're genetically related or not.

I just don't understand how you are not getting what I am saying. My 7 year old does not want to discuss this with his teacher and friends. He's still learning what it means himself. He has not made a decision on who is 'part of his family' yet. He doesn't know anything about genes. I think this assignment should go away or always be modified to be a family or important people tree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised she emphasizes how she raises her kids to be honest and proud of who they are...

And then she apparently never told the teacher they were adopted?

I'm the white mom of Asian kids and I would absolutely not omit this when I chatted with the teacher the first time. I'm also not pissy about it in general and am happy to answer people's questions instead of automatically lashing out and wrecking my relationships over it. I deal with it all the time, but for others, this is a new thing.

It's not fair to expect everyone in the world to know an automatic, diplomatic way to communicate about every single type of family/child out there. It's ridiculous to expect strangers to protect your feelings -- go to therapy and work it out there. Don't look for the world to provide trigger warnings and just somehow "know" what to say to you!

But we are talking about teachers. And adoption is not uncommon. Shouldn't teachers know how to discuss?

And there is a difference from teaching your kids to be honest and proud of who they are without also insisting that they violate their privacy if that's not what they want to do.

And, to PP about people already knowing not to say 'real parent'. Um...no. People say crazy things. I have had a person ask me, in front of my child, why didn't his real mom want him and give him away.

Kindergarten teachers don't necessarily see white moms of Asian almost-same-age-boys ever before getting them in class. Heck, many K teachers are young women who are passionate and caring teachers, but who may have taught for 5-10 years and never had an adoptee at all in class.

This attitude we're developing as a culture in America that "how dare a stranger say something unpolished to me that I then found sooo offensive!" is crazy. Taking offense at everything instead of using it as an opportunity to educate someone new is crazy. The things this mom is reacting to in her letter are things others, who are less insecure and don't need to read offense into every interaction -- would not bat an eye at. And would address in an honest way. In what way is telling a teacher my kids are adopted "violating their privacy"? That's (wait for it) CRAZY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive mom, I find it condescending and inappropriate. Adoption is no different than many other style families and her hyper focus tells me its more an issue for her than the kids. She may be grieving her infertility or have issues surrounding her adopting. For a family tree - we just add an extra branch to include our child's birth mom and her family, whom we are very close to.

When you make a choice to artificially twinning (as known in the adoption community) children by adopting so close in age, that is a risk you take. This is her hang up, not the children's or the teachers.

Ok. That works for your family. You see how this wouldn't work for all families, correct?

Then find a way that works for your family. My mom is adopted and we don't include her birth family on our tree - they are not considered part of our family, we don't know them. But we most certainly have a family tree. My grandmother is my grandmother whether we're genetically related or not.

I just don't understand how you are not getting what I am saying. My 7 year old does not want to discuss this with his teacher and friends. He's still learning what it means himself. He has not made a decision on who is 'part of his family' yet. He doesn't know anything about genes. I think this assignment should go away or always be modified to be a family or important people tree.

You might want to read this article: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/09/the-coddling-of-the-american-mind/399356/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Well she's two. And she doesn't talk at all. And I don't think she knows that I'm not her real mother. And yeah, we didn't plan on adopting at all - it was very disjointed and not as if DH and I decided "Let's grow our family through adoption!" So yeah, it hadn't occurred to me.

Adult adoptee here.
YES, you ARE her "real" mother! You are the only mother she's ever known. You are the one loving her, raising her, and putting band-aids on her knees. The bonds of love are stronger than any DNA. Don't let anyone tell you different.

And remember: you set the tone for everyone else. If you don't believe your her "real" mother, she won't believe it either, and your friends won't, your family, etc. Have some courage and step into your role. Do it now, before you create an image problem for yourself and your child.

Eh whatever. She is sometimes around her real mom. I don't really care about being all PC among my family. I know enough to not say it to people in the public.