WAPO piece from adoptive mom to teacher

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well she's two. And she doesn't talk at all. And I don't think she knows that I'm not her real mother. And yeah, we didn't plan on adopting at all - it was very disjointed and not as if DH and I decided "Let's grow our family through adoption!" So yeah, it hadn't occurred to me.

Adult adoptee here.
YES, you ARE her "real" mother! You are the only mother she's ever known. You are the one loving her, raising her, and putting band-aids on her knees. The bonds of love are stronger than any DNA. Don't let anyone tell you different.

And remember: you set the tone for everyone else. If you don't believe your her "real" mother, she won't believe it either, and your friends won't, your family, etc. Have some courage and step into your role. Do it now, before you create an image problem for yourself and your child.

Eh whatever. She is sometimes around her real mom. I don't really care about being all PC among my family. I know enough to not say it to people in the public.

Wow what a mean attitude toward her. you are conveying to her that you don't want to be her mother. Stop thinking about yourself and the public and start thinking about your DD. your dd needs you to be the real mother be you are all she has got day in and day out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well she's two. And she doesn't talk at all. And I don't think she knows that I'm not her real mother. And yeah, we didn't plan on adopting at all - it was very disjointed and not as if DH and I decided "Let's grow our family through adoption!" So yeah, it hadn't occurred to me.

Adult adoptee here.
YES, you ARE her "real" mother! You are the only mother she's ever known. You are the one loving her, raising her, and putting band-aids on her knees. The bonds of love are stronger than any DNA. Don't let anyone tell you different.

And remember: you set the tone for everyone else. If you don't believe your her "real" mother, she won't believe it either, and your friends won't, your family, etc. Have some courage and step into your role. Do it now, before you create an image problem for yourself and your child.

Eh whatever. She is sometimes around her real mom. I don't really care about being all PC among my family. I know enough to not say it to people in the public.

Wow what a mean attitude toward her. you are conveying to her that you don't want to be her mother. Stop thinking about yourself and the public and start thinking about your DD. your dd needs you to be the real mother be you are all she has got day in and day out.

Whoa, you have NO CLUE what the hell you're talking about. I am NOT "all she has got" at all. I'm not conveying that I don't want to be her mother by referring to her real mother as such. I convey that I want to be her mother by the fact that I feed her, dress her, talk to her, change her, play with her, take her to the doctor, to her therapy appointments, etc. Actions speak louder than words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well she's two. And she doesn't talk at all. And I don't think she knows that I'm not her real mother. And yeah, we didn't plan on adopting at all - it was very disjointed and not as if DH and I decided "Let's grow our family through adoption!" So yeah, it hadn't occurred to me.

Adult adoptee here.
YES, you ARE her "real" mother! You are the only mother she's ever known. You are the one loving her, raising her, and putting band-aids on her knees. The bonds of love are stronger than any DNA. Don't let anyone tell you different.

And remember: you set the tone for everyone else. If you don't believe your her "real" mother, she won't believe it either, and your friends won't, your family, etc. Have some courage and step into your role. Do it now, before you create an image problem for yourself and your child.

Eh whatever. She is sometimes around her real mom. I don't really care about being all PC among my family. I know enough to not say it to people in the public.

To any child - words matter just as much as actions. They are concrete thinkers.


Wow what a mean attitude toward her. you are conveying to her that you don't want to be her mother. Stop thinking about yourself and the public and start thinking about your DD. your dd needs you to be the real mother be you are all she has got day in and day out.

Whoa, you have NO CLUE what the hell you're talking about. I am NOT "all she has got" at all. I'm not conveying that I don't want to be her mother by referring to her real mother as such. I convey that I want to be her mother by the fact that I feed her, dress her, talk to her, change her, play with her, take her to the doctor, to her therapy appointments, etc. Actions speak louder than words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that it's a fine and useful piece. (I am not an adoptive parent or an adoptee.) OP, what's your problem with it?

If you need to ask then you are as stupid as the woman who wrote this insipid letter.

[Anonymous]

Pp who adopted her niece: respectfully, the language around adoption matters a lot to adoptees. It is not just a matter of being pc. You yourself acknowledged that it hadn't occurred to you that your daughter might suffer some complications due to her adoption. This means that you still have a lot to learn. Which is fine, she's only two. However, since you did take on this child as yours, you really do owe it to her to educate yourself. It may be that she is perfectly fine, as many, many adoptees are. However, it may also be that she struggles, and you should be prepared. Please.

[Anonymous]

Writer of the article is a blogger trying to make money off her adoption. I get so tired of adoptive parents making it about them and their needs. My child understands adoption but in the sense we are one big family but we are extremely close to his maternal relatives. There is no us vs. them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp who adopted her niece: respectfully, the language around adoption matters a lot to adoptees. It is not just a matter of being pc. You yourself acknowledged that it hadn't occurred to you that your daughter might suffer some complications due to her adoption. This means that you still have a lot to learn. Which is fine, she's only two. However, since you did take on this child as yours, you really do owe it to her to educate yourself. It may be that she is perfectly fine, as many, many adoptees are. However, it may also be that she struggles, and you should be prepared. Please.

So we've agreed. She's only two. We'll deal with this stuff if/when it comes up. I'm not worried. Right now I'm worried that she doesn't talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised she emphasizes how she raises her kids to be honest and proud of who they are...

And then she apparently never told the teacher they were adopted?

I'm the white mom of Asian kids and I would absolutely not omit this when I chatted with the teacher the first time. I'm also not pissy about it in general and am happy to answer people's questions instead of automatically lashing out and wrecking my relationships over it. I deal with it all the time, but for others, this is a new thing.

It's not fair to expect everyone in the world to know an automatic, diplomatic way to communicate about every single type of family/child out there. It's ridiculous to expect strangers to protect your feelings -- go to therapy and work it out there. Don't look for the world to provide trigger warnings and just somehow "know" what to say to you!

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an adoptive mom, I find it condescending and inappropriate. Adoption is no different than many other style families and her hyper focus tells me its more an issue for her than the kids. She may be grieving her infertility or have issues surrounding her adopting. For a family tree - we just add an extra branch to include our child's birth mom and her family, whom we are very close to.

When you make a choice to artificially twinning (as known in the adoption community) children by adopting so close in age, that is a risk you take. This is her hang up, not the children's or the teachers.

Ok. That works for your family. You see how this wouldn't work for all families, correct?

Then find a way that works for your family. My mom is adopted and we don't include her birth family on our tree - they are not considered part of our family, we don't know them. But we most certainly have a family tree. My grandmother is my grandmother whether we're genetically related or not.

I just don't understand how you are not getting what I am saying. My 7 year old does not want to discuss this with his teacher and friends. He's still learning what it means himself. He has not made a decision on who is 'part of his family' yet. He doesn't know anything about genes. I think this assignment should go away or always be modified to be a family or important people tree.

So everyone else has to miss out on a meaningful and fun assignment to protect your kid's feelings? Did you not think about how you would talk about issues like genealogy and family trees with your child before adopting? If your going to adopt you have to be prepared and prepare your child to deal with the reality of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Why not just modify to include important people if desired? Why is that not win-win?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that it's a fine and useful piece. (I am not an adoptive parent or an adoptee.) OP, what's your problem with it?

If you need to ask then you are as stupid as the woman who wrote this insipid letter.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp who adopted her niece: respectfully, the language around adoption matters a lot to adoptees. It is not just a matter of being pc. You yourself acknowledged that it hadn't occurred to you that your daughter might suffer some complications due to her adoption. This means that you still have a lot to learn. Which is fine, she's only two. However, since you did take on this child as yours, you really do owe it to her to educate yourself. It may be that she is perfectly fine, as many, many adoptees are. However, it may also be that she struggles, and you should be prepared. Please.

So we've agreed. She's only two. We'll deal with this stuff if/when it comes up. I'm not worried. Right now I'm worried that she doesn't talk.

Why did you take this little girl in if you are so not interested in being her mom? You don't want to be the "real" mother, you don't want to understand adoption, you don't want to try and educate yourself to help her grow up in an emotionally stable environment.

In all honestly, the best long term thing you can do is approach an adoption attorney and discuss a private adoption. I promise there are women out there who will take this little girl and make her the center of their world, will gladly be the real mom, will pour over adoption advice and do whatever it takes to make sure she has an emotionally stable life and good self esteem. Don't rob this little girl of the chance to have a mom who is truly a mom in every sense of the word. Not everyone is cut out to be an adoptive parent.

And lastly by the time the issues come up when your child is school age, it's pretty much too late. You have a window of the first 3 years to help a child with early life trauma and attachment. Once the window closes, it's a very tough uphill battle. Supported by research, do yours, you will find it,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Writer of the article is a blogger trying to make money off her adoption. I get so tired of adoptive parents making it about them and their needs. My child understands adoption but in the sense we are one big family but we are extremely close to his maternal relatives. There is no us vs. them.

You and your child are fortunate/blessed that you know his birth family. Many adoptees don't and struggle with that missing piece.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp who adopted her niece: respectfully, the language around adoption matters a lot to adoptees. It is not just a matter of being pc. You yourself acknowledged that it hadn't occurred to you that your daughter might suffer some complications due to her adoption. This means that you still have a lot to learn. Which is fine, she's only two. However, since you did take on this child as yours, you really do owe it to her to educate yourself. It may be that she is perfectly fine, as many, many adoptees are. However, it may also be that she struggles, and you should be prepared. Please.

Adult adoptee here. I agree with this PP completely.

If I knew that my mother was using language like "real mother," I'd be extremely hurt and feel betrayed.

[Anonymous]

I think it is an ok piece. But teaching at a diverse public school, I can say that there are kids who have all different types of families, and that the "different beginnings" she refers for her kids to aren't different than the beginnings of at least 1/3 of my class.