"Jekyll and Hyde" DH went over the line - what do I do next?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Bottom line is she doesn't feel safe with him. Why do people have such a hard time trusting women to make their own decisions? My DH has driven aggressively before but I never felt that it was his attempt to scare me or my kids. OP knows what she saw and felt. No one is saying he should go to jail, but why should she stay with her husband if she doesn't feel safe with him? A lot has to happen to feel unsafe. She wants help dealing with a situation where she fears for the safety of her and her child, not to be told that her fears are unfounded because "omg road rage happens to everyone".

Because I've had my wife overreact to my driving when, while it was certainly an expression of anger that she would have rathered I not feel or express, was not remotely dangerous. I have no way of knowing whether she honestly felt scared or, instead, was pretending to be scared because she wanted to express disapproval and control my behavior but knew that saying "I don't want you to feel or express anger" would not have been well taken.

You could say that "a woman would never, ever express being scared unless she was legitimately and rationally scared," but that would be a false statement.

This is what the OP wrote: " I was terrified. After he slowed down I apologized, made nice, kept it light and breezy the rest of the way home so I wouldn't set him off again. He has had flares of anger in the past and, yes, is controlling and puts me down. Many red flags I have been ignoring/denying. "

It's your problem that you don't respect women's honest statements of their own concerns for their health and safety and their children's safety. Just don't inflict that on OP and her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Bottom line is she doesn't feel safe with him. Why do people have such a hard time trusting women to make their own decisions? My DH has driven aggressively before but I never felt that it was his attempt to scare me or my kids. OP knows what she saw and felt. No one is saying he should go to jail, but why should she stay with her husband if she doesn't feel safe with him? A lot has to happen to feel unsafe. She wants help dealing with a situation where she fears for the safety of her and her child, not to be told that her fears are unfounded because "omg road rage happens to everyone".

Because I've had my wife overreact to my driving when, while it was certainly an expression of anger that she would have rathered I not feel or express, was not remotely dangerous. I have no way of knowing whether she honestly felt scared or, instead, was pretending to be scared because she wanted to express disapproval and control my behavior but knew that saying "I don't want you to feel or express anger" would not have been well taken.

You could say that "a woman would never, ever express being scared unless she was legitimately and rationally scared," but that would be a false statement.

This is what the OP wrote: " I was terrified. After he slowed down I apologized, made nice, kept it light and breezy the rest of the way home so I wouldn't set him off again. He has had flares of anger in the past and, yes, is controlling and puts me down. Many red flags I have been ignoring/denying. "

It's your problem that you don't respect women's honest statements of their own concerns for their health and safety and their children's safety. Just don't inflict that on OP and her child.

Nah. My problem is that I don't know when the statements are honest and when they are dishonest.

[Anonymous]

What does your child think happened? Was DC terrified? Did DC bring it up? Did you talk to DC about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Bottom line is she doesn't feel safe with him. Why do people have such a hard time trusting women to make their own decisions? My DH has driven aggressively before but I never felt that it was his attempt to scare me or my kids. OP knows what she saw and felt. No one is saying he should go to jail, but why should she stay with her husband if she doesn't feel safe with him? A lot has to happen to feel unsafe. She wants help dealing with a situation where she fears for the safety of her and her child, not to be told that her fears are unfounded because "omg road rage happens to everyone".

Because I've had my wife overreact to my driving when, while it was certainly an expression of anger that she would have rathered I not feel or express, was not remotely dangerous. I have no way of knowing whether she honestly felt scared or, instead, was pretending to be scared because she wanted to express disapproval and control my behavior but knew that saying "I don't want you to feel or express anger" would not have been well taken.

You could say that "a woman would never, ever express being scared unless she was legitimately and rationally scared," but that would be a false statement.

This is what the OP wrote: " I was terrified. After he slowed down I apologized, made nice, kept it light and breezy the rest of the way home so I wouldn't set him off again. He has had flares of anger in the past and, yes, is controlling and puts me down. Many red flags I have been ignoring/denying. "

It's your problem that you don't respect women's honest statements of their own concerns for their health and safety and their children's safety. Just don't inflict that on OP and her child.

+1
This sounds like the story that snapped her into clarity.

[Anonymous]

OP, I grew up in an environment like this. Here's the thing. It sneaks up on you. You make excuses. You think it's weird that other kids' parents don't fight or you assume it gets really bad when guests aren't there because that's how it is in your family. You look forward to houseguests because it's calm.

You spend a lot of time walking on eggshells and if you're lucky you have functional relationships as an adult. But probably not immediately. More likely, your first few relationships will mimic the behavior of your same sex parent.

Ask yourself what you can endure but also the following two questions:

1. what do you want for your child -- this isn't just about childhood.

2. what do you want for your own future -- this will escalate even further.

I have been in the car in these situations. I have blocked out major incidents like this because they are too frightening to process. Please think long and hard about the effect this is having on you and your child.

You both deserve so much better than this, no matter what your husband (there is nothing dear about him) is leading you to believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Bottom line is she doesn't feel safe with him. Why do people have such a hard time trusting women to make their own decisions? My DH has driven aggressively before but I never felt that it was his attempt to scare me or my kids. OP knows what she saw and felt. No one is saying he should go to jail, but why should she stay with her husband if she doesn't feel safe with him? A lot has to happen to feel unsafe. She wants help dealing with a situation where she fears for the safety of her and her child, not to be told that her fears are unfounded because "omg road rage happens to everyone".

Because I've had my wife overreact to my driving when, while it was certainly an expression of anger that she would have rathered I not feel or express, was not remotely dangerous. I have no way of knowing whether she honestly felt scared or, instead, was pretending to be scared because she wanted to express disapproval and control my behavior but knew that saying "I don't want you to feel or express anger" would not have been well taken.

You could say that "a woman would never, ever express being scared unless she was legitimately and rationally scared," but that would be a false statement.

''

Your wife wasn't overreacting. Losing control of your temper when you are behind the wheel, and acting on that through a vehicle, is extremely dangerous. I get angry but I don't put my family in danger as a result. I hope you have been to counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I grew up in an environment like this. Here's the thing. It sneaks up on you. You make excuses. You think it's weird that other kids' parents don't fight or you assume it gets really bad when guests aren't there because that's how it is in your family. You look forward to houseguests because it's calm.

You spend a lot of time walking on eggshells and if you're lucky you have functional relationships as an adult. But probably not immediately. More likely, your first few relationships will mimic the behavior of your same sex parent.

Ask yourself what you can endure but also the following two questions:

1. what do you want for your child -- this isn't just about childhood.

2. what do you want for your own future -- this will escalate even further.

I have been in the car in these situations. I have blocked out major incidents like this because they are too frightening to process. Please think long and hard about the effect this is having on you and your child.

You both deserve so much better than this, no matter what your husband (there is nothing dear about him) is leading you to believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I grew up in an environment like this. Here's the thing. It sneaks up on you. You make excuses. You think it's weird that other kids' parents don't fight or you assume it gets really bad when guests aren't there because that's how it is in your family. You look forward to houseguests because it's calm.

You spend a lot of time walking on eggshells and if you're lucky you have functional relationships as an adult. But probably not immediately. More likely, your first few relationships will mimic the behavior of your same sex parent.

Ask yourself what you can endure but also the following two questions:

1. what do you want for your child -- this isn't just about childhood.

2. what do you want for your own future -- this will escalate even further.

I have been in the car in these situations. I have blocked out major incidents like this because they are too frightening to process. Please think long and hard about the effect this is having on you and your child.

You both deserve so much better than this, no matter what your husband (there is nothing dear about him) is leading you to believe.

You do know what the D in DH stands for, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Bottom line is she doesn't feel safe with him. Why do people have such a hard time trusting women to make their own decisions? My DH has driven aggressively before but I never felt that it was his attempt to scare me or my kids. OP knows what she saw and felt. No one is saying he should go to jail, but why should she stay with her husband if she doesn't feel safe with him? A lot has to happen to feel unsafe. She wants help dealing with a situation where she fears for the safety of her and her child, not to be told that her fears are unfounded because "omg road rage happens to everyone".

Because I've had my wife overreact to my driving when, while it was certainly an expression of anger that she would have rathered I not feel or express, was not remotely dangerous. I have no way of knowing whether she honestly felt scared or, instead, was pretending to be scared because she wanted to express disapproval and control my behavior but knew that saying "I don't want you to feel or express anger" would not have been well taken.

You could say that "a woman would never, ever express being scared unless she was legitimately and rationally scared," but that would be a false statement.

NP here, so you are saying you have gotten angry at your wife in the car based on her reaction to your driving, and therefore drove more dangerously in anger? You are def bringing your own issues and trying to justifying being pretty shitty if your kids were in the car. Intentionally trying to scare someone with your driving in reaction to complaints about your driving is so unhealthy dude, why you have to come here and assume OP is lying to suit your own agenda is sick

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Bottom line is she doesn't feel safe with him. Why do people have such a hard time trusting women to make their own decisions? My DH has driven aggressively before but I never felt that it was his attempt to scare me or my kids. OP knows what she saw and felt. No one is saying he should go to jail, but why should she stay with her husband if she doesn't feel safe with him? A lot has to happen to feel unsafe. She wants help dealing with a situation where she fears for the safety of her and her child, not to be told that her fears are unfounded because "omg road rage happens to everyone".

Because I've had my wife overreact to my driving when, while it was certainly an expression of anger that she would have rathered I not feel or express, was not remotely dangerous. I have no way of knowing whether she honestly felt scared or, instead, was pretending to be scared because she wanted to express disapproval and control my behavior but knew that saying "I don't want you to feel or express anger" would not have been well taken.

You could say that "a woman would never, ever express being scared unless she was legitimately and rationally scared," but that would be a false statement.

so your wife doesn't want you to feel or express anger, and you don't think her fear is real, and call it an overreaction? Who is trying to control whose feelings here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Bottom line is she doesn't feel safe with him. Why do people have such a hard time trusting women to make their own decisions? My DH has driven aggressively before but I never felt that it was his attempt to scare me or my kids. OP knows what she saw and felt. No one is saying he should go to jail, but why should she stay with her husband if she doesn't feel safe with him? A lot has to happen to feel unsafe. She wants help dealing with a situation where she fears for the safety of her and her child, not to be told that her fears are unfounded because "omg road rage happens to everyone".

Because I've had my wife overreact to my driving when, while it was certainly an expression of anger that she would have rathered I not feel or express, was not remotely dangerous. I have no way of knowing whether she honestly felt scared or, instead, was pretending to be scared because she wanted to express disapproval and control my behavior but knew that saying "I don't want you to feel or express anger" would not have been well taken.

You could say that "a woman would never, ever express being scared unless she was legitimately and rationally scared," but that would be a false statement.

NP here, so you are saying you have gotten angry at your wife in the car based on her reaction to your driving, and therefore drove more dangerously in anger? You are def bringing your own issues and trying to justifying being pretty shitty if your kids were in the car. Intentionally trying to scare someone with your driving in reaction to complaints about your driving is so unhealthy dude, why you have to come here and assume OP is lying to suit your own agenda is sick

Not the PP, but frankly I drive faster when I am angry. Hear rate up, adrenaline pump, I wouldn't call it intentional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Bottom line is she doesn't feel safe with him. Why do people have such a hard time trusting women to make their own decisions? My DH has driven aggressively before but I never felt that it was his attempt to scare me or my kids. OP knows what she saw and felt. No one is saying he should go to jail, but why should she stay with her husband if she doesn't feel safe with him? A lot has to happen to feel unsafe. She wants help dealing with a situation where she fears for the safety of her and her child, not to be told that her fears are unfounded because "omg road rage happens to everyone".

Because I've had my wife overreact to my driving when, while it was certainly an expression of anger that she would have rathered I not feel or express, was not remotely dangerous. I have no way of knowing whether she honestly felt scared or, instead, was pretending to be scared because she wanted to express disapproval and control my behavior but knew that saying "I don't want you to feel or express anger" would not have been well taken.

You could say that "a woman would never, ever express being scared unless she was legitimately and rationally scared," but that would be a false statement.

NP here, so you are saying you have gotten angry at your wife in the car based on her reaction to your driving, and therefore drove more dangerously in anger? You are def bringing your own issues and trying to justifying being pretty shitty if your kids were in the car. Intentionally trying to scare someone with your driving in reaction to complaints about your driving is so unhealthy dude, why you have to come here and assume OP is lying to suit your own agenda is sick

Not the PP, but frankly I drive faster when I am angry. Hear rate up, adrenaline pump, I wouldn't call it intentional.

Do you think that is what the original post describes? cause it sounds like intending to strike fear in the passenger who dared to question his driving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Bottom line is she doesn't feel safe with him. Why do people have such a hard time trusting women to make their own decisions? My DH has driven aggressively before but I never felt that it was his attempt to scare me or my kids. OP knows what she saw and felt. No one is saying he should go to jail, but why should she stay with her husband if she doesn't feel safe with him? A lot has to happen to feel unsafe. She wants help dealing with a situation where she fears for the safety of her and her child, not to be told that her fears are unfounded because "omg road rage happens to everyone".

Because I've had my wife overreact to my driving when, while it was certainly an expression of anger that she would have rathered I not feel or express, was not remotely dangerous. I have no way of knowing whether she honestly felt scared or, instead, was pretending to be scared because she wanted to express disapproval and control my behavior but knew that saying "I don't want you to feel or express anger" would not have been well taken.

You could say that "a woman would never, ever express being scared unless she was legitimately and rationally scared," but that would be a false statement.

NP here, so you are saying you have gotten angry at your wife in the car based on her reaction to your driving, and therefore drove more dangerously in anger? You are def bringing your own issues and trying to justifying being pretty shitty if your kids were in the car. Intentionally trying to scare someone with your driving in reaction to complaints about your driving is so unhealthy dude, why you have to come here and assume OP is lying to suit your own agenda is sick

Not what I'm saying. I bolded the part where I let you know that the driving wasn't remotely dangerous. Also, my anger was in response to the traffic, not to her.

[Anonymous]

Try your best not to upset your husband. Tend to his needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Bottom line is she doesn't feel safe with him. Why do people have such a hard time trusting women to make their own decisions? My DH has driven aggressively before but I never felt that it was his attempt to scare me or my kids. OP knows what she saw and felt. No one is saying he should go to jail, but why should she stay with her husband if she doesn't feel safe with him? A lot has to happen to feel unsafe. She wants help dealing with a situation where she fears for the safety of her and her child, not to be told that her fears are unfounded because "omg road rage happens to everyone".

Because I've had my wife overreact to my driving when, while it was certainly an expression of anger that she would have rathered I not feel or express, was not remotely dangerous. I have no way of knowing whether she honestly felt scared or, instead, was pretending to be scared because she wanted to express disapproval and control my behavior but knew that saying "I don't want you to feel or express anger" would not have been well taken.

You could say that "a woman would never, ever express being scared unless she was legitimately and rationally scared," but that would be a false statement.

NP here, so you are saying you have gotten angry at your wife in the car based on her reaction to your driving, and therefore drove more dangerously in anger? You are def bringing your own issues and trying to justifying being pretty shitty if your kids were in the car. Intentionally trying to scare someone with your driving in reaction to complaints about your driving is so unhealthy dude, why you have to come here and assume OP is lying to suit your own agenda is sick

Not the PP, but frankly I drive faster when I am angry. Hear rate up, adrenaline pump, I wouldn't call it intentional.

Do you think that is what the original post describes? cause it sounds like intending to strike fear in the passenger who dared to question his driving

Who knows? Some days I have lots of time so I drive calmly, wait in the lane as people are slow, etc. Other days I am more aggressive and change lanes a lot to get ahead. But the second type of driving isn't necessarily more dangerous or more frightening. I'm also terrified of driving done by DC cabbies, but they aren't intentionally trying to kill me (I think).