"Jekyll and Hyde" DH went over the line - what do I do next?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FYI attorneys come out of joint marital funds until the divorce is final. You don't need to save up for an attorney if there's money in the bank.

If not you can go to the domestic violence or family law clinic at a local law school and get free representation.

But what if only he can access the money? All the money goes into his account. I use a credit card for everything and he pays it at the end of the month.

[Anonymous]

Do you work? If so see HR to get the direct deposit stopped immediately

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FYI attorneys come out of joint marital funds until the divorce is final. You don't need to save up for an attorney if there's money in the bank.

If not you can go to the domestic violence or family law clinic at a local law school and get free representation.

But what if only he can access the money? All the money goes into his account. I use a credit card for everything and he pays it at the end of the month.

Is the credit card in both of your names? He should be on the hook for debt incurred during the marriage.

Incidentally your first meeting with the attorney will be free. Go talk to one ASAP (and stick a big retainer on the card before he freezes it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FYI attorneys come out of joint marital funds until the divorce is final. You don't need to save up for an attorney if there's money in the bank.

If not you can go to the domestic violence or family law clinic at a local law school and get free representation.

But what if only he can access the money? All the money goes into his account. I use a credit card for everything and he pays it at the end of the month.

If the card is in your name I really hope he's actually paying for it. Do you have online access to it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice needed... this happened yesterday and I am still kind of in shock. Yesterday dh flipped out in the car when I joked about his driving habits. Started screaming at me, sped up, swerved violently in and out of lanes in fairly heavy traffic. Our 6-year-old ds was in the car. We were 6 hours away from home in another state. I was terrified. After he slowed down I apologized, made nice, kept it light and breezy the rest of the way home so I wouldn't set him off again. He has had flares of anger in the past and, yes, is controlling and puts me down. Many red flags I have been ignoring/denying.

The question is, what do I do now, as in right now? He has put the incident behind him, no apology or acknowledgment of the danger he put us in. I have had enough. Part of me feels like taking my ds and leaving now, but I feel like that will be like pouring gasoline on the fire. If i got out now, it would be the women's shelter/protective order route (I have nothing) and I think they would just laugh at me. I don't think I could even get a protective order - the incident happened in another state and there's no proof. Or I could start planning now to file for divorce - take time to squirrel away money, get a lawyer, make a plan. I can't stand being in the same room with this man, but let's face it, how can I throw our lives and my son's life into total upheaval when school is starting in 2 weeks? Good god. I am making myself sick just thinking about all this.

Any advice, commiseration, etc., appreciated. You can even tell me to snap out of it and get a life if you want. I'm in MoCo.

Aspergers?

[Anonymous]

House of Ruth has a legal clinic. The phone number for MoCo is 240-777-9077.
http://www.hruth.org/legal-clinic.asp


MoCo also has family violence counseling

http://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/HHS-Program/Program.aspx?id=BHCS/BHCSAbusedPerson-p207.html

[Anonymous]

OP

I was in your situation two years ago. My ex tried to drive all of us, kid included, into two telephone poles. Then when I said I was going to a hotel for the night he assaulted both of us. I called police, he admitted and was arrested for assault.

The fact that he controls the finances also is indicative of abuse. Meet with a lawyer, gather documents - bank statements, pay stubs, IRS filings. If before you leave he hurts you please call police and have it documented. Good luck, please get out fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice needed... this happened yesterday and I am still kind of in shock. Yesterday dh flipped out in the car when I joked about his driving habits. Started screaming at me, sped up, swerved violently in and out of lanes in fairly heavy traffic. Our 6-year-old ds was in the car. We were 6 hours away from home in another state. I was terrified. After he slowed down I apologized, made nice, kept it light and breezy the rest of the way home so I wouldn't set him off again. He has had flares of anger in the past and, yes, is controlling and puts me down. Many red flags I have been ignoring/denying.

The question is, what do I do now, as in right now? He has put the incident behind him, no apology or acknowledgment of the danger he put us in. I have had enough. Part of me feels like taking my ds and leaving now, but I feel like that will be like pouring gasoline on the fire. If i got out now, it would be the women's shelter/protective order route (I have nothing) and I think they would just laugh at me. I don't think I could even get a protective order - the incident happened in another state and there's no proof. Or I could start planning now to file for divorce - take time to squirrel away money, get a lawyer, make a plan. I can't stand being in the same room with this man, but let's face it, how can I throw our lives and my son's life into total upheaval when school is starting in 2 weeks? Good god. I am making myself sick just thinking about all this.

Any advice, commiseration, etc., appreciated. You can even tell me to snap out of it and get a life if you want. I'm in MoCo.

Honestly this particular incident doesn't sound unforgivable, but if it feels like a pattern then I can see it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds as if you are caught between a rock and a hard stone OP. I am truly sorry for what you are experiencing with this man.

However, since a young child is involved here and your husband DID in fact drive quite recklessly with his child in the vehicle, I find it imperative that you get out soon.

Maybe not tomorrow, but begin planning your escape now. Do you have any close family or friends who can assist you at this time or soon? If not, it will be a tougher road to navigate, but you still need to get out of this marriage.

Unless of course your husband is remorseful and agrees to counseling sessions along with anger management courses which does not seem likely given what you just told us.

[Anonymous]

OP here - 20:12 is not me. But she asks a valid question and I can only imagine she is going through something similar and needs your advice too. I work, but I am freelance these last few months and my checks come in the mail. DH is "helpfully" doing the quarterly estimated tax payments for me, so demands I fork over most of each check because "the government takes half" and he also needs me to pay something toward the house on top of that. Yeah. I have my own bank account that he can't access, but there's only a few hundred dollars in it.

Thank you for all the help. I know this is serious. He is trying to act like nothing happened, and it sickens me to say this, but I am acting the same way to provide cover so I can talk to an attorney. On that note, your recommendations for a divorce attorney practicing in montgomery who can navigate abuse situations is welcome.

[Anonymous]

Without the descriptions of the other incidents, it's kind of hard to judge here. Maybe he's just embarrassed about his road rage incident? Have you actually talked to him about it?

This board is always so rah rah pro divorce. Meh.

[Anonymous]

Tough to say without actually knowing how erratic the driving was. I know my wife would be an unreliable narrator when describing my driving -- more aggressive than she'd like, but not remotely putting us in danger.

What was the joke about his driving? Good sign that you felt comfortable joking with him about it up until that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Without the descriptions of the other incidents, it's kind of hard to judge here. Maybe he's just embarrassed about his road rage incident? Have you actually talked to him about it?

This board is always so rah rah pro divorce. Meh.

No. It's rah rah pro not being abused, asshole.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you start just depositing your checks directly into your account? Do you have access to the rest of the financial information? how much do you bring in? I would try to get some low cost legal advice and start planning your exit. Do you have family nearby? you will want a plan in place for when you go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Without the descriptions of the other incidents, it's kind of hard to judge here. Maybe he's just embarrassed about his road rage incident? Have you actually talked to him about it?

This board is always so rah rah pro divorce. Meh.

No. It's rah rah pro not being abused, asshole.

Erratic driving is not abuse. If he was trying to kill you by driving into a tree, yes. But accelerating faster than usual or switching lanes more aggressively doesn't seem like an outlandish response depending on what the comments about his driving were. My DH drives more aggressively than I do, and it's scary for me, but it's not actually unsafe.

Also, suggesting that OP actually confronts her DH instead of jumping to divorce