"Jekyll and Hyde" DH went over the line - what do I do next?

[Anonymous]

Advice needed... this happened yesterday and I am still kind of in shock. Yesterday dh flipped out in the car when I joked about his driving habits. Started screaming at me, sped up, swerved violently in and out of lanes in fairly heavy traffic. Our 6-year-old ds was in the car. We were 6 hours away from home in another state. I was terrified. After he slowed down I apologized, made nice, kept it light and breezy the rest of the way home so I wouldn't set him off again. He has had flares of anger in the past and, yes, is controlling and puts me down. Many red flags I have been ignoring/denying.

The question is, what do I do now, as in right now? He has put the incident behind him, no apology or acknowledgment of the danger he put us in. I have had enough. Part of me feels like taking my ds and leaving now, but I feel like that will be like pouring gasoline on the fire. If i got out now, it would be the women's shelter/protective order route (I have nothing) and I think they would just laugh at me. I don't think I could even get a protective order - the incident happened in another state and there's no proof. Or I could start planning now to file for divorce - take time to squirrel away money, get a lawyer, make a plan. I can't stand being in the same room with this man, but let's face it, how can I throw our lives and my son's life into total upheaval when school is starting in 2 weeks? Good god. I am making myself sick just thinking about all this.

Any advice, commiseration, etc., appreciated. You can even tell me to snap out of it and get a life if you want. I'm in MoCo.

[Anonymous]

They will not laugh at you. Abuse doesn't have to leave a mark. This behavior could kill you next time. He is showing you who he is, believe him. (I know that's a lot of platitudes but they are true)

[Anonymous]

Have there been other instances of him loosing his cool? Has he ever done this while driving before? Has he ever hurt you?

I'm asking because if he has ever hurt you physically you need to leave now. If not, and if you think you can make nice for a few months, while you save some money, it would probably be easier to start your life over with some money.

Do you think he would ever consider therapy?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like his anger escalates each time he gets ticked off. Is this what you want you child growing up with ? Is this the life you want ?

I would tell him unless he gets some therapy for his anger, we're done.

[Anonymous]

Kick him out. See a lawyer who will help you plan how.

[Anonymous]

See a lawyer to discuss options then get yourself and your child to a shelter - they will not laugh at you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See a lawyer to discuss options then get yourself and your child to a shelter - they will not laugh at you.

+10. Document everything. Get out get represented.

[Anonymous]

Don't be afraid to leave and seek help. Only you know the real extent of his abuse. If you feel that you are in danger or your child is in danger, you really do need to leave.

In my limited experience, I know that I didn't realize the full extent of the abuse until I left my husband. When you are belittled and put down over a long time period, it kind of becomes your new normal. I am still working on getting over the feeling of helplessness and trying to regain my confidence.

The police and court systems may not be too helpful (I don't know -- but I imagine that they require certain standards of proof). The shelters and women's centers, however, should be more equipped to deal with this.

You can also try contacting New Beginnings which is a support group for people leaving marriages and seeking divorce. They should be able to put you in touch with some women in MoCo who have been through similar experiences. While they are not legal experts, they can be an amazing support and resource network.

[Anonymous]

FYI attorneys come out of joint marital funds until the divorce is final. You don't need to save up for an attorney if there's money in the bank.

If not you can go to the domestic violence or family law clinic at a local law school and get free representation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They will not laugh at you. Abuse doesn't have to leave a mark. This behavior could kill you next time. He is showing you who he is, believe him. (I know that's a lot of platitudes but they are true)

OP, please take this persons words to heart. I have a pretty high tolerance for things, but putting your kid at risk is too much. Please protect your son.

[Anonymous]

You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. They will not laugh at you, I promise. You feel unsafe with your husband, and they will take you seriously. They can help you find resources for putting a safety plan together. Even if you're not ready to leave yet, it's a good idea to have a plan for where you will go/what you will do if he ever crosses the line in a way that means you have to leave immediately.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice needed... this happened yesterday and I am still kind of in shock. Yesterday dh flipped out in the car when I joked about his driving habits. Started screaming at me, sped up, swerved violently in and out of lanes in fairly heavy traffic. Our 6-year-old ds was in the car. We were 6 hours away from home in another state. I was terrified. After he slowed down I apologized, made nice, kept it light and breezy the rest of the way home so I wouldn't set him off again. He has had flares of anger in the past and, yes, is controlling and puts me down. Many red flags I have been ignoring/denying.

The question is, what do I do now, as in right now? He has put the incident behind him, no apology or acknowledgment of the danger he put us in. I have had enough. Part of me feels like taking my ds and leaving now, but I feel like that will be like pouring gasoline on the fire. If i got out now, it would be the women's shelter/protective order route (I have nothing) and I think they would just laugh at me. I don't think I could even get a protective order - the incident happened in another state and there's no proof. Or I could start planning now to file for divorce - take time to squirrel away money, get a lawyer, make a plan. I can't stand being in the same room with this man, but let's face it, how can I throw our lives and my son's life into total upheaval when school is starting in 2 weeks? Good god. I am making myself sick just thinking about all this.

Any advice, commiseration, etc., appreciated. You can even tell me to snap out of it and get a life if you want. I'm in MoCo.

I worked at a shelter straight out of college. We wouldn't have laughed at you.

[Anonymous]

This is abuse. He either gets help immediately or you are leaving with the kid. Make a plan.

[Anonymous]

OP - My DH did the same thing 3 times and I am divorcing now. He merged in front of a Tractor Trailer on 270 and almost killed us. He said our car had good pick up and we were fine. (I was crying and our DC had to play peace-maker.) She was 7 at the time. When he made a joke about killing us then told me I need to learn to take a joke, I froze with fear and moved into my DC room with scissors on the bedside table to protect us from him. We are divorcing, but I waited 4 years ( thinking the courts would listen to an older child's parental preference).

[Anonymous]

What PPs said. Plus your son starting school in 2 weeks is the least of your worries. Hind sight, you will regret it if you don't act now. Get legal advice and get your ducks in a row. Then you can see about getting therapy for your DH. If there's no improvement, get ready to walk.