Underemployed boyfriend-wwyd?

[Anonymous]

If,$ matters it matters. It does affect life in the long run and opportunities. If you're always having to be the reliable one that can get annoying after children and family and bills.

That said, a gorgeous friend of mine who is partner, super kind and a catch married her,HS boyfriend in their late 20s. All he's done in all the time she's known him from HS to that point is make boxes at a box factory. She's so proud of him. Now at 35 they have 3 amazing kids, and a gorgeous home. She's the breadwinner,and he sounds like the man you described. They're very happy for what it's worth. She clearly isn't materialistic and loves him unconditionally tho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how about you all go out and date guys working in fast food then. these responses are bs.

Don't be obtuse. People are not saying it's ok for him to make minimum wage. People are saying as long as he's making a decent living and he's happy with it, then OP needs to move on because she doesn't seem happy with the way he is.

OP never mentioned what her man does or how much he makes yet she's been called names for having concerns about his earning power and lack of ambition. If anyone is being obtuse, its people like yourself. Clearly she's not out for his money or else she wouldn't have given him the time of day!

[Anonymous]

What exactly would he have to do to prove to you that he is ambitious OP?

Go back to school and earn a degree?

Could it be possible that he could be doing all he possibly can be doing yet things still aren't up to the level you would like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly would he have to do to prove to you that he is ambitious OP?

Go back to school and earn a degree?

Could it be possible that he could be doing all he possibly can be doing yet things still aren't up to the level you would like?

OP has indicated that he has a master's degree from a respectable institution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly would he have to do to prove to you that he is ambitious OP?

Go back to school and earn a degree?

Could it be possible that he could be doing all he possibly can be doing yet things still aren't up to the level you would like?

OP has indicated that he has a master's degree from a respectable institution.

This doesn't mean anything. What is he doing now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly would he have to do to prove to you that he is ambitious OP?

Go back to school and earn a degree?

Could it be possible that he could be doing all he possibly can be doing yet things still aren't up to the level you would like?

OP has indicated that he has a master's degree from a respectable institution.

This doesn't mean anything. What is he doing now?

I was merely addressing the suggestion that he go back to school and earn his degree. He already has an advanced degree.

OP has never articulated what she means by underachieving. Is her working for $7 and hour for 30 hours a week at Barnes and Noble? That would be troubling, Or is he making $80,000 content to do something he likes, while OP thinks he should be on the partner track angling for $300K? Or something in between?

Given that OP has never really said, I'm guessing that the details wouldn't flatter her. But who knows?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are really smart to pick up on this issue now. No judgment from me -- like the earlier post from the woman whose marriage failed but she has the kids, I had an identical story. Lack of ambition is a warning sign for bigger things. I got tired of trying to do it all while my H sat on the couch and waited for clients. No amount of vacuuming and grocery shopping could fix that. Kindly and gently excuse yourself from this relationship. You may always love him but at least you won't grow to resent him.

I had this happen to me but in reverse. Boyfriend in early20s pushed me to have a high paying career. I knew I wanted to teach. We eventually broke up and I met a better fit. Husband is fully supportive of my career. I found out my ex married a rich girl with family money/ family business. It was a blessing I learned from that relationship. Love is just one factor in marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Pay attention to your feelings. It's not for me to judge. You feel what you feel. Don't ignore it.

If you believe that he's The One, and you are planning a life with him, why not encourage him to go to grad school? It looks like this could be a dealbreaker for you. Listen to that.

We each need what we need. If this perceived lack of ambition leaves you wanting, you owe it to yourself to push a little. You may find that his priority is this relationship, not a job title. Can you live with this?

I married a man with little education and very limited job opportunities. I thought I'd be the breadwinner and he'd focus on family. It turns out that his lack of ambition re employment/career was really a reflection of his general lack of interest in doing anything outside of his comfort zone. This is what wrecked the relationship. The job thing was only a slice of the bigger pie here.

I think you are correct in owning up to your feelings on this. Be better than I was about examining how this may impact on your relationship down the road. Don't be bullied by the idea that you are somehow snobbish or "a hooker" for wanting someone with ambition. That's what pushed me to commit to a relationship that didn't...ugh, that didn't support my own ambitions or life experience. We weren't "equally yoked" and his limitations, his stubborn fears about expanding his worldview choked all of the love and trust from the relationship.

Pay attention to your feelings. Examine them.

In the end, I have my children. It doesn't mean that I don't miss the marriage I thought I'd have. Learn from me, OP.

+1
I'm in a similar boat to this PP. Mine is focused on raising our child and does a pretty good job with housework, but he doesn't do enough in the area of enrichment for my child and hasn't contributed at all financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not a gold-digger for wanting a guy who is more ambitious.

No, I'm not a ge digger. That's such an awful thing to say. I love this guy and want to marry him. It just bugs me because he seems like he is afraid to really put himself out there and know what he wants and get it. He isn't stupid; he has a masters degree from a great program. He is just too intimidated to get out there and figure out a career path that's lucrative.

Too intimidated? Is that his take on it, or yours? Some people (myself included) don't really WANT to be the mover and the shaker and make the sacrifices required to be that person. I have a good job in private industry, but I wouldn't want to rise any higher than I am now. I work 40 hours a week. I don't have to work weekends, generally. I don't have to travel. I never miss my kids' activities. I have time for hobbies, and friends. The executive level staff at my company are on the road constantly, often overseas, sometimes weeks at a time. One guy told me the other day he spent more days on the road in 2014 that he was home. He loves it. You couldn't pay me enough to be this guy.

Is he happy with his place in life?

This. The OP says he is "afraid to know what he wants and get it." Maybe what he wants isn't a "lucrative" career. Maybe he just wants a job that pays the bills and lets him have time for himself. I could have taken a much more lucrative job out of law school, fighting to make partner and big bucks. But I don't want the hours. I'd rather have the personal time for friends, family, and hobbies. I'd rather get home in time for dinner every night. I'd rather tuck my kids into bed every night and hang out with my husband. The problem here is that OP defines "ambition" in a very narrow way--making as much money as possible--when, in fact, people have different goals. It's possible she and her SO are just not on the same page about what is important in life. In which case, they should break up so she can try to find a guy who works really hard and makes a ton of money and he can find someone who doesn't value material things as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My bf is dedicated to me and goes through hell to ensure I am happy and satisfied. He's everything I want in a man except that he doesn't have a high flying career. He works very hard and has a good work ethic but he isn't a go getter and isn't ambitious. He is so smart and he can do so much but he just doesn't have the drive and seems happy to work his low paying job.

I kind of find his lack of ambition unattractive and it's affecting our sex life.

What should I do?

Dump him and go out and see how high flying a career you can attract. Let the market decide what sex with you is truly worth.

That's how this works. She's afraid to actually go out and discover how "high flying" or "low flying" of a career she can attract, so she'll just bitch and complain about the guy she's dating now and how he isn't "ambitious enough" for her. In blunt terms, she's afraid to discover how little the market is willing to pay for sex with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP never mentioned what her man does or how much he makes yet she's been called names for having concerns about his earning power and lack of ambition. If anyone is being obtuse, its people like yourself. Clearly she's not out for his money or else she wouldn't have given him the time of day!

Then she should go out and test the market, see what kind of a "high flying" career sex with her can attract. It's, you know, having integrity. Instead of coming here and bitching about how he has little ambition. That's like me dating my wife, but bitching how her tits aren't big enough and her ass isn't tight enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My bf is dedicated to me and goes through hell to ensure I am happy and satisfied. He's everything I want in a man except that he doesn't have a high flying career. He works very hard and has a good work ethic but he isn't a go getter and isn't ambitious. He is so smart and he can do so much but he just doesn't have the drive and seems happy to work his low paying job.

I kind of find his lack of ambition unattractive and it's affecting our sex life.

What should I do?

I would dump him honestly. If it bothers you now, it will bother you even more when you have kids and a mortgage together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP never mentioned what her man does or how much he makes yet she's been called names for having concerns about his earning power and lack of ambition. If anyone is being obtuse, its people like yourself. Clearly she's not out for his money or else she wouldn't have given him the time of day!

Then she should go out and test the market, see what kind of a "high flying" career sex with her can attract. It's, you know, having integrity. Instead of coming here and bitching about how he has little ambition. That's like me dating my wife, but bitching how her tits aren't big enough and her ass isn't tight enough.

Those are your words. she didn't say the man had to be a CEO. A man who makes 30K doesn't make enough for me to consider dating. It doesn't mean that I'm after someone earning 300K either (I'm not). I have a career and always will, but I'm not interested in working harder to compensate for a man who lacks ambition. I was happy at my first job out of undergrad at a non-profit making 28K. I left because it wasn't enough money to live decently in this area. I would expect the same from my partner.

[Anonymous]

I'm a swell guy and my wife jokes how many of her friends wish their husbands were as helpful around the house and close to the kids. I also know that my wife resents the hell out of the fact that I'll never make $100k despite have an technical degree from a top school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a swell guy and my wife jokes how many of her friends wish their husbands were as helpful around the house and close to the kids. I also know that my wife resents the hell out of the fact that I'll never make $100k despite have an technical degree from a top school.

but if you did make 100k, she'd resent that you're not helpful around the house and close to the kids.

some women are just born miserable