Interracial couples, is your spouse oblivious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an American Born Asian and despite my accent (I have a standard mid-Atlantic accent, so around here, it doesn't sound like one), I still get some people who act differently once they hear my name or see my face. I can talk to someone over the phone and they'll act normal, but as soon as they hear my name, they will start speaking slower and talking slightly louder. I get comments about "your people" or "where are you REALLY from?". People drag out any completely unrelated trivia facts about various Asian foods, the few Asians they've met, the one time they went into a Korean grocery store, and the Japanese electronics they've bought.

My white wife (on one side, her family traces its roots back to the Mayflower), was liberal enough to understand that there were still inequalities in hiring, raises, promotions, etc, but she really didn't believe that there was overt racism/stereotyping of Asians especially not in urban areas like ours. She thought my stories of such events only occurred when I was a kid or long before I met her (and we've been together for 16 years). Then a couple of years ago, we were in Cincinnati in a northern Kentucky suburb and stuck in a waiting room. This older Kentucky couple looked at me and tried so hard to be friendly. They asked where I was from and when I said Pittsburgh, they asked where I was really from. They were careful to slow down when talking to me and speak louder (compared to when they spoke to each other or the white receptionist or even my wife sitting next to me). They told me stories of their son who actually tried to take them to a Chinese buffet and what odd foods they had there (I mean, they actually had raw fish! And he expected me to eat it. Not on your life!). They talked about the nice Asian guy who ran the dry cleaning business near them and they actually wondered if I had a Japanese TV. They were very sweet and very sincerely trying to be nice and neighborly so rather than some of my sometimes sarcastic responses, I was very polite and engaged them in conversation. My wife was trying so hard to stifle her laughter and finally had to excuse herself to go to the rest room. Later we talked about it and she still believed it was an isolated event, but I assured her that while it only happened occasionally, I usually got something akin to this a few times a year, say every few months. She was flabbergasted. She's seen or heard another one or two much shorter, less extreme cases now and no longer doubts that it happens.

I hear you, because people often make a thousand assumptions when they hear my accent and I tell them where I am from.

And I understand why it annoys you when people "slow down when talking to me and speak louder."

But let me ask you this. With some of the other questions, people perhaps just want to create a bond with you, and to understand your heritage. Yes, you are American, but you probably have a unique story to share about how your parents and you ended up here (maybe not unique in general terms, but certainly in the eyes of the person asking the question). Why does this bother you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an American Born Asian and despite my accent (I have a standard mid-Atlantic accent, so around here, it doesn't sound like one), I still get some people who act differently once they hear my name or see my face. I can talk to someone over the phone and they'll act normal, but as soon as they hear my name, they will start speaking slower and talking slightly louder. I get comments about "your people" or "where are you REALLY from?". People drag out any completely unrelated trivia facts about various Asian foods, the few Asians they've met, the one time they went into a Korean grocery store, and the Japanese electronics they've bought.

My white wife (on one side, her family traces its roots back to the Mayflower), was liberal enough to understand that there were still inequalities in hiring, raises, promotions, etc, but she really didn't believe that there was overt racism/stereotyping of Asians especially not in urban areas like ours. She thought my stories of such events only occurred when I was a kid or long before I met her (and we've been together for 16 years). Then a couple of years ago, we were in Cincinnati in a northern Kentucky suburb and stuck in a waiting room. This older Kentucky couple looked at me and tried so hard to be friendly. They asked where I was from and when I said Pittsburgh, they asked where I was really from. They were careful to slow down when talking to me and speak louder (compared to when they spoke to each other or the white receptionist or even my wife sitting next to me). They told me stories of their son who actually tried to take them to a Chinese buffet and what odd foods they had there (I mean, they actually had raw fish! And he expected me to eat it. Not on your life!). They talked about the nice Asian guy who ran the dry cleaning business near them and they actually wondered if I had a Japanese TV. They were very sweet and very sincerely trying to be nice and neighborly so rather than some of my sometimes sarcastic responses, I was very polite and engaged them in conversation. My wife was trying so hard to stifle her laughter and finally had to excuse herself to go to the rest room. Later we talked about it and she still believed it was an isolated event, but I assured her that while it only happened occasionally, I usually got something akin to this a few times a year, say every few months. She was flabbergasted. She's seen or heard another one or two much shorter, less extreme cases now and no longer doubts that it happens.

I hear you, because people often make a thousand assumptions when they hear my accent and I tell them where I am from.

And I understand why it annoys you when people "slow down when talking to me and speak louder."

But let me ask you this. With some of the other questions, people perhaps just want to create a bond with you, and to understand your heritage. Yes, you are American, but you probably have a unique story to share about how your parents and you ended up here (maybe not unique in general terms, but certainly in the eyes of the person asking the question). Why does this bother you?

Here is my example of growing up Mexican. Where did you come from? Well I was born here, well what about your grandparents, they were born here also. What about your great-grandparents, well they were born in Texas also. I can trace my family in back to when Texas was part of Spain then part of Mexico. So my family has been here way before Texas was even part of the United States. Some people don't release that just because you are not white does not mean you or your family are recent immigrants.

[Anonymous]

I am the white spouse, and I am not oblivious. I admired my black DH's ability to accept what he can't change in others' racism and to be the better person. He is so calm, cool, and collected, that if anyone displayed racism toward him, his coolness would be disarming. I would not have married him if he thought of himself as a victim of racism. He was born a free man, and his mind is not in chains.

[Anonymous]

Because it is exhausting and obnoxious when strangers try to create a bond with you based on their perceptions about your culture. If you are a minority, this is not infrequent. I am biracial but often assumed to be Latina. The number of non Spanish speaking people who try to speak to me in Spanglish is astounding. It is based on an assumption they make based on my appearance. And as for the Asian PPs story, 17:15 can you seriously not understand how that is bothersome? They asked him both about Chinese food and about having a Japanese TV! It's so clueless. People of color get sick of it.

Anyway, I clicked on the thread because I am married to a white man. He has come a long way towards understanding issues of race and privilege, but it has been a steep learning curve at times. And there are still issues- just the other day I made an off-hand comment about the lack of blacks in the Aaron Hernandez jury and he said that sometimes I see things as racial and he just doesn't see it. This is true and honest and not inherently bad but it is there. I think one of the major things is that for me (and I think many other people of color), race is a part of my daily life. This just isn't true for white people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the white spouse, and I am not oblivious. I admired my black DH's ability to accept what he can't change in others' racism and to be the better person. He is so calm, cool, and collected, that if anyone displayed racism toward him, his coolness would be disarming. I would not have married him if he thought of himself as a victim of racism. He was born a free man, and his mind is not in chains.

We are all victims of racism. It strips us of our humanity. And honestly, this sounds a little clueless to me. What personal cost does remaining cool and collected in the face of racism have to your husband? Have you talked to him about that? And regardless of his own sense of pride etc, we live in a culture that is historically and systematically racist. That has personal costs for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Is it race or minority status? When blacks outnumber whites, in schools, etc., is it still about race?

[Anonymous]

It's about race because of the power structure. Even when blacks outnumber whites in a certain situation or location, whites still have institutional power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not know - but it may be a man/woman thing or it might just be your DH.

I am White and DH is AA. I am keenly aware of some of the issues that he and my bi-racial DS face. I have witnessed some personally.

My DH is LEO so he has a different perspective on some things and does not dwell on race generally. He feels that he is a big boy and can take care of himself. But even he agonizes about how our DS is perceived in the world. Being his mom, I feel it too.

How does it feel to have a kid who will never identify with you or anyone you're related to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are both white, but it does drive me crazy that he doesn't or won't acknowledge systematic sexism and misogyny. He loves to play the devil's advocate on something like the lack of interesting roles for women in film, for example. It gets old. I think it stems from feeling defensive about being a privileged straight white guy in general. I'm not one of those guys so this doesn't really happen. It's annoying and diminishes my opinion of him, honestly.

"Straight white males" are the people who built every institution in this country, as well as your father, husband and any brothers you have. Start appreciating your husband and stop bothering him about worthless crap.

[Anonymous]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=l_F76ySzk48

The Sir-Mix-A lot way back before he sang about big butts classic.

[Anonymous]

Oh and I am under 40 (barely) but will acknowledge I must sound old when I use the word "hooptie" since this song was on an album with a musical tribute to beepers as the height in communications technology.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jGBmnxpX-J0

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the white spouse, and I am not oblivious. I admired my black DH's ability to accept what he can't change in others' racism and to be the better person. He is so calm, cool, and collected, that if anyone displayed racism toward him, his coolness would be disarming. I would not have married him if he thought of himself as a victim of racism. He was born a free man, and his mind is not in chains.

I am the PP who is married to the AA LEO - I can see how you would feel that is calmness and coolness is a benefit. However, it is the bolded part that concerns me. Because I do not think that being "uncool" about racist gestures toward you is playing victim. IME, the ones who play it cool build up the most rage inside about it. But you know your DH - I do not. As I said, my DH is a LEO in a predominantly White PD. While he does not "play the victim," he will rationally and firmly let people know that what they said or did was unacceptable - and he is treaching my son this. You do not have to grin and bear it. As you said, he is a free grown man. That being said, I get more angry about things than he does. One reason he probably is generally level-headed is because he has to keep me calm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know - but it may be a man/woman thing or it might just be your DH.

I am White and DH is AA. I am keenly aware of some of the issues that he and my bi-racial DS face. I have witnessed some personally.

My DH is LEO so he has a different perspective on some things and does not dwell on race generally. He feels that he is a big boy and can take care of himself. But even he agonizes about how our DS is perceived in the world. Being his mom, I feel it too.

How does it feel to have a kid who will never identify with you or anyone you're related to?

What are you talking about? My kid is bi-racial and is proud of his AA and White roots. He identifies with both and is close to both sides of his family. In fact, it is folks like you that characterize him as AA. If you asked him he would say he is bi-racial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are both white, but it does drive me crazy that he doesn't or won't acknowledge systematic sexism and misogyny. He loves to play the devil's advocate on something like the lack of interesting roles for women in film, for example. It gets old. I think it stems from feeling defensive about being a privileged straight white guy in general. I'm not one of those guys so this doesn't really happen. It's annoying and diminishes my opinion of him, honestly.

"Straight white males" are the people who built every institution in this country, as well as your father, husband and any brothers you have. Start appreciating your husband and stop bothering him about worthless crap.

Let me fix it for you - "Straight white males" are the people who exploited others to achieve their power and they like to take credit that they built every institution in this country

[Anonymous]

My husband is an obvious racial minority and I am of an ambiguous background (sometimes considered white and sometimes not). My husband is very laid back and tends not to take offense. He has been heavily scrutinized when traveling from one European country to another, much to the embarrassment of his European hosts who had assured him that such border crossings were quick. This is the kind of experience that he blows off and refuses to take offense. We've been married many years and it was only recently that I realized that there may be settings where my husband does feel uncomfortable (despite his general laid back attitude to life) and my "sort of white" background makes me immune.