Interracial couples, is your spouse oblivious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know - but it may be a man/woman thing or it might just be your DH.

I am White and DH is AA. I am keenly aware of some of the issues that he and my bi-racial DS face. I have witnessed some personally.

My DH is LEO so he has a different perspective on some things and does not dwell on race generally. He feels that he is a big boy and can take care of himself. But even he agonizes about how our DS is perceived in the world. Being his mom, I feel it too.

How does it feel to have a kid who will never identify with you or anyone you're related to?

What are you talking about? My kid is bi-racial and is proud of his AA and White roots. He identifies with both and is close to both sides of his family. In fact, it is folks like you that characterize him as AA. If you asked him he would say he is bi-racial.

Your kid may identify as bi-racial, but unfortunately in the U.S. your son is black.

[Anonymous]

Um... if Ghana, Ethiopia and Mali were such great places, they wouldn't ALL be trying to come to America and our privileged "straight white males" ruining everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know - but it may be a man/woman thing or it might just be your DH.

I am White and DH is AA. I am keenly aware of some of the issues that he and my bi-racial DS face. I have witnessed some personally.

My DH is LEO so he has a different perspective on some things and does not dwell on race generally. He feels that he is a big boy and can take care of himself. But even he agonizes about how our DS is perceived in the world. Being his mom, I feel it too.

How does it feel to have a kid who will never identify with you or anyone you're related to?

What are you talking about? My kid is bi-racial and is proud of his AA and White roots. He identifies with both and is close to both sides of his family. In fact, it is folks like you that characterize him as AA. If you asked him he would say he is bi-racial.

Your kid may identify as bi-racial, but unfortunately in the U.S. your son is black.

Pretty much. These desperate White chicks who like to separate the children by black men from black people are funny. If the police are looking for a black man, you had better keep your son indoors because they will snatch him and beat his black ass. He might as well be as black as Wesley Snipes in "one drop rule" America.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a multicultural marriage but spouse is not AA. She's from Europe.

The only oblivious thing I can think of has to do with language. We are of course raising the kids to be bilingual - but she spoke German to the kids while we were in a bagel shop obviously run by orthodox folks.

They were clearly uncomfortable and I felt really awkward. She was just oblivious. There's a time and place for teaching the kids German, but this clearly wasn't it.

I'm going to seriously disagree with you on this one. She can speak her language whenever and wherever she wants. Do you suddenly stop speaking English because somebody doesn't like Americans? Was she personally responsible for any events that happened 70 yrs ago? Did you own slaves? See my point?

Freiheit ist immer Freiheit des anders Denkenden

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know - but it may be a man/woman thing or it might just be your DH.

I am White and DH is AA. I am keenly aware of some of the issues that he and my bi-racial DS face. I have witnessed some personally.

My DH is LEO so he has a different perspective on some things and does not dwell on race generally. He feels that he is a big boy and can take care of himself. But even he agonizes about how our DS is perceived in the world. Being his mom, I feel it too.

How does it feel to have a kid who will never identify with you or anyone you're related to?

What are you talking about? My kid is bi-racial and is proud of his AA and White roots. He identifies with both and is close to both sides of his family. In fact, it is folks like you that characterize him as AA. If you asked him he would say he is bi-racial.

Your kid may identify as bi-racial, but unfortunately in the U.S. your son is black.

Pretty much. These desperate White chicks who like to separate the children by black men from black people are funny. If the police are looking for a black man, you had better keep your son indoors because they will snatch him and beat his black ass. He might as well be as black as Wesley Snipes in "one drop rule" America.

Wow. NP here. Some serious delusion and hatred here. You don't even know PP or her kids--you're clearly nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an American Born Asian and despite my accent (I have a standard mid-Atlantic accent, so around here, it doesn't sound like one), I still get some people who act differently once they hear my name or see my face. I can talk to someone over the phone and they'll act normal, but as soon as they hear my name, they will start speaking slower and talking slightly louder. I get comments about "your people" or "where are you REALLY from?". People drag out any completely unrelated trivia facts about various Asian foods, the few Asians they've met, the one time they went into a Korean grocery store, and the Japanese electronics they've bought.

My white wife (on one side, her family traces its roots back to the Mayflower), was liberal enough to understand that there were still inequalities in hiring, raises, promotions, etc, but she really didn't believe that there was overt racism/stereotyping of Asians especially not in urban areas like ours. She thought my stories of such events only occurred when I was a kid or long before I met her (and we've been together for 16 years). Then a couple of years ago, we were in Cincinnati in a northern Kentucky suburb and stuck in a waiting room. This older Kentucky couple looked at me and tried so hard to be friendly. They asked where I was from and when I said Pittsburgh, they asked where I was really from. They were careful to slow down when talking to me and speak louder (compared to when they spoke to each other or the white receptionist or even my wife sitting next to me). They told me stories of their son who actually tried to take them to a Chinese buffet and what odd foods they had there (I mean, they actually had raw fish! And he expected me to eat it. Not on your life!). They talked about the nice Asian guy who ran the dry cleaning business near them and they actually wondered if I had a Japanese TV. They were very sweet and very sincerely trying to be nice and neighborly so rather than some of my sometimes sarcastic responses, I was very polite and engaged them in conversation. My wife was trying so hard to stifle her laughter and finally had to excuse herself to go to the rest room. Later we talked about it and she still believed it was an isolated event, but I assured her that while it only happened occasionally, I usually got something akin to this a few times a year, say every few months. She was flabbergasted. She's seen or heard another one or two much shorter, less extreme cases now and no longer doubts that it happens.

I hear you, because people often make a thousand assumptions when they hear my accent and I tell them where I am from.

And I understand why it annoys you when people "slow down when talking to me and speak louder."

But let me ask you this. With some of the other questions, people perhaps just want to create a bond with you, and to understand your heritage. Yes, you are American, but you probably have a unique story to share about how your parents and you ended up here (maybe not unique in general terms, but certainly in the eyes of the person asking the question). Why does this bother you?

Here is my example of growing up Mexican. Where did you come from? Well I was born here, well what about your grandparents, they were born here also. What about your great-grandparents, well they were born in Texas also. I can trace my family in back to when Texas was part of Spain then part of Mexico. So my family has been here way before Texas was even part of the United States. Some people don't release that just because you are not white does not mean you or your family are recent immigrants.

Then you're not Mexican, are you? So why say that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Met my DH in Atlanta. He's white, and grew up thinking there was no such thing as racism. Then, in 2012, there were places that outright wouldn't serve us, and we were often say in the back of restauranta for some reason. That's when he started noticing it's it all peaches and roses! I'm AA. He's much more aware. Just yesterday, he said sometimes with men acting crazy, he doesn't know if it's because I'm black or a female- or both! Our leasing agent is Russian and will have nothing to do with me. I'm nice, courteous, yet he literally blows me off. Whenever my husband contacts him, he bends over backwards for him! Crazy!

WHere? In Atlanta, or here?

Just curious, because my DH and I have been married for 16 yrs, and have never had that experience. Fortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are both white, but it does drive me crazy that he doesn't or won't acknowledge systematic sexism and misogyny. He loves to play the devil's advocate on something like the lack of interesting roles for women in film, for example. It gets old. I think it stems from feeling defensive about being a privileged straight white guy in general. I'm not one of those guys so this doesn't really happen. It's annoying and diminishes my opinion of him, honestly.

"Straight white males" are the people who built every institution in this country, as well as your father, husband and any brothers you have. Start appreciating your husband and stop bothering him about worthless crap.

You mean how they built everything by using slaves to actually do the building, sharecroppers to farm, denied women and black folks the right to vote and participate in the political process?
Yep, the white man can have credit for all of that ignorance.

Anyone can pick cotton. European men created civilizations and empires. But that's ok. Africans have created many great nations of their own. I'll let other commenters name them...

Aksum.
Ghana.
Mali.
Songhai.
Ethiopia/Abyssinia.
Mossi.
Benin.
Egypt.

To name a few.
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_kingdoms_in_pre-colonial_AfricaAfrica
http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/africa/features/storyofafrica/index_section4.shtml

Shall we play Central & South America?
Asia?

Look up "self-delusion" too.

If the message is not clear, look up the nationalities of the 900 Africans who just died trying to cross-over to Europe.

You are lucky to be here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are both white, but it does drive me crazy that he doesn't or won't acknowledge systematic sexism and misogyny. He loves to play the devil's advocate on something like the lack of interesting roles for women in film, for example. It gets old. I think it stems from feeling defensive about being a privileged straight white guy in general. I'm not one of those guys so this doesn't really happen. It's annoying and diminishes my opinion of him, honestly.

"Straight white males" are the people who built every institution in this country, as well as your father, husband and any brothers you have. Start appreciating your husband and stop bothering him about worthless crap.

You mean how they built everything by using slaves to actually do the building, sharecroppers to farm, denied women and black folks the right to vote and participate in the political process?
Yep, the white man can have credit for all of that ignorance.

Anyone can pick cotton. European men created civilizations and empires. But that's ok. Africans have created many great nations of their own. I'll let other commenters name them...

Have you ever been to the native american history museum? Lot of injustices done to native americans so that the Europeans and their descendants could acquire riches and land. And this includes ALL native americans from North to South America. Spanish and French overworking native american indian slaves and African slaves to death to acquire silver and gold in South America. Using threats by mutilation and decapitation and strewing human parts all over the city as a message to Indian uprisings who didn't obey. Not allowing them rights that they had. Changing their names. In North America, prohibiting their customs and religions, lying about peace and taking all land so much so that over 17 percent, the highest in the US, of native americans receive public assistance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it is exhausting and obnoxious when strangers try to create a bond with you based on their perceptions about your culture. If you are a minority, this is not infrequent. I am biracial but often assumed to be Latina. The number of non Spanish speaking people who try to speak to me in Spanglish is astounding. It is based on an assumption they make based on my appearance. And as for the Asian PPs story, 17:15 can you seriously not understand how that is bothersome? They asked him both about Chinese food and about having a Japanese TV! It's so clueless. People of color get sick of it.

Anyway, I clicked on the thread because I am married to a white man. He has come a long way towards understanding issues of race and privilege, but it has been a steep learning curve at times. And there are still issues- just the other day I made an off-hand comment about the lack of blacks in the Aaron Hernandez jury and he said that sometimes I see things as racial and he just doesn't see it. This is true and honest and not inherently bad but it is there. I think one of the major things is that for me (and I think many other people of color), race is a part of my daily life. This just isn't true for white people.

As a parent of an intellectually disabled kid, I get the same sort of questioning and awkward attempts at "relating" to what must be difficult and challenging life. It's ridiculous but these people who usually mean well don't know that. I'm white but I am well aware that my close Asian-American friends who I grew up with have put up with this their whole lives. Now I get to experience it in a much more personal way. It sucks and we can do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are both white, but it does drive me crazy that he doesn't or won't acknowledge systematic sexism and misogyny. He loves to play the devil's advocate on something like the lack of interesting roles for women in film, for example. It gets old. I think it stems from feeling defensive about being a privileged straight white guy in general. I'm not one of those guys so this doesn't really happen. It's annoying and diminishes my opinion of him, honestly.

"Straight white males" are the people who built every institution in this country, as well as your father, husband and any brothers you have. Start appreciating your husband and stop bothering him about worthless crap.

You mean how they built everything by using slaves to actually do the building, sharecroppers to farm, denied women and black folks the right to vote and participate in the political process?
Yep, the white man can have credit for all of that ignorance.

Anyone can pick cotton. European men created civilizations and empires. But that's ok. Africans have created many great nations of their own. I'll let other commenters name them...

Aksum.
Ghana.
Mali.
Songhai.
Ethiopia/Abyssinia.
Mossi.
Benin.
Egypt.

To name a few.
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_kingdoms_in_pre-colonial_AfricaAfrica
http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/africa/features/storyofafrica/index_section4.shtml

Shall we play Central & South America?
Asia?

Let's see I'll play too:

North America (some people don't know Mexico is part of North America )- Toltec, Maya, Zapotec, Anasazi, Mimbres, Olmec and others before them that had long known of the planets and their rotation around the sun. Iroquois had ab advanced the theory of government. Native people of the Americas where prolific art and architecture and agriculture.

South - Inca maybe you didn't know they were preforming brain surgery
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2008/05/080512-inca-skulls.html

Asia - The Chinese laughed at Europeans why they first met them.

You see Europeans learned a lot about the people and countries they conquered and took those ideas. There are some wonderful Caucasians in this world sadly Mr. Straight White Male is not one of the.

[Anonymous]

I forgot to add threads like this brings out the trolls. Can someone delete this thread please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know - but it may be a man/woman thing or it might just be your DH.

I am White and DH is AA. I am keenly aware of some of the issues that he and my bi-racial DS face. I have witnessed some personally.

My DH is LEO so he has a different perspective on some things and does not dwell on race generally. He feels that he is a big boy and can take care of himself. But even he agonizes about how our DS is perceived in the world. Being his mom, I feel it too.

How does it feel to have a kid who will never identify with you or anyone you're related to?

What are you talking about? My kid is bi-racial and is proud of his AA and White roots. He identifies with both and is close to both sides of his family. In fact, it is folks like you that characterize him as AA. If you asked him he would say he is bi-racial.

Your kid may identify as bi-racial, but unfortunately in the U.S. your son is black.

I know what society considers him. Hence my earlier comments about being cognizant of what he deals with. I was responding to the poster saying that he cannot indentufy with me or anyone I am related to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know - but it may be a man/woman thing or it might just be your DH.

I am White and DH is AA. I am keenly aware of some of the issues that he and my bi-racial DS face. I have witnessed some personally.

My DH is LEO so he has a different perspective on some things and does not dwell on race generally. He feels that he is a big boy and can take care of himself. But even he agonizes about how our DS is perceived in the world. Being his mom, I feel it too.

How does it feel to have a kid who will never identify with you or anyone you're related to?

What are you talking about? My kid is bi-racial and is proud of his AA and White roots. He identifies with both and is close to both sides of his family. In fact, it is folks like you that characterize him as AA. If you asked him he would say he is bi-racial.

Your kid may identify as bi-racial, but unfortunately in the U.S. your son is black.

Pretty much. These desperate White chicks who like to separate the children by black men from black people are funny. If the police are looking for a black man, you had better keep your son indoors because they will snatch him and beat his black ass. He might as well be as black as Wesley Snipes in "one drop rule" America.

PP here. Not sure I even know how to deal with this statement other than to repeat what I said in my first post. That I am very aware of what my AA and bi-racial son deal with every day and I know how society perceives my son. I certainly do not try to separate him from Black people. Not at all. My son has a Black parent and a White parent, is well connected with both our familes and is comfortable with who he is. But you are proving the point that it is others, both Black and White, that are not comfortable. You have the one drop exactly right which is why I am aware of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an American Born Asian and despite my accent (I have a standard mid-Atlantic accent, so around here, it doesn't sound like one), I still get some people who act differently once they hear my name or see my face. I can talk to someone over the phone and they'll act normal, but as soon as they hear my name, they will start speaking slower and talking slightly louder. I get comments about "your people" or "where are you REALLY from?". People drag out any completely unrelated trivia facts about various Asian foods, the few Asians they've met, the one time they went into a Korean grocery store, and the Japanese electronics they've bought.

My white wife (on one side, her family traces its roots back to the Mayflower), was liberal enough to understand that there were still inequalities in hiring, raises, promotions, etc, but she really didn't believe that there was overt racism/stereotyping of Asians especially not in urban areas like ours. She thought my stories of such events only occurred when I was a kid or long before I met her (and we've been together for 16 years). Then a couple of years ago, we were in Cincinnati in a northern Kentucky suburb and stuck in a waiting room. This older Kentucky couple looked at me and tried so hard to be friendly. They asked where I was from and when I said Pittsburgh, they asked where I was really from. They were careful to slow down when talking to me and speak louder (compared to when they spoke to each other or the white receptionist or even my wife sitting next to me). They told me stories of their son who actually tried to take them to a Chinese buffet and what odd foods they had there (I mean, they actually had raw fish! And he expected me to eat it. Not on your life!). They talked about the nice Asian guy who ran the dry cleaning business near them and they actually wondered if I had a Japanese TV. They were very sweet and very sincerely trying to be nice and neighborly so rather than some of my sometimes sarcastic responses, I was very polite and engaged them in conversation. My wife was trying so hard to stifle her laughter and finally had to excuse herself to go to the rest room. Later we talked about it and she still believed it was an isolated event, but I assured her that while it only happened occasionally, I usually got something akin to this a few times a year, say every few months. She was flabbergasted. She's seen or heard another one or two much shorter, less extreme cases now and no longer doubts that it happens.

I hear you, because people often make a thousand assumptions when they hear my accent and I tell them where I am from.

And I understand why it annoys you when people "slow down when talking to me and speak louder."

But let me ask you this. With some of the other questions, people perhaps just want to create a bond with you, and to understand your heritage. Yes, you are American, but you probably have a unique story to share about how your parents and you ended up here (maybe not unique in general terms, but certainly in the eyes of the person asking the question). Why does this bother you?

Here is my example of growing up Mexican. Where did you come from? Well I was born here, well what about your grandparents, they were born here also. What about your great-grandparents, well they were born in Texas also. I can trace my family in back to when Texas was part of Spain then part of Mexico. So my family has been here way before Texas was even part of the United States. Some people don't release that just because you are not white does not mean you or your family are recent immigrants.

Then you're not Mexican, are you? So why say that?

It is the ethnic group I belong to, my nationality is American. Learn the difference, or open a history book about different ethnic groups in this country.