Interracial couples, is your spouse oblivious?

[Anonymous]

If you are the minority of the duo (ex. I'm black, dh is white), do you notice that your spouse does things that are racially unaware?

[Anonymous]

Okay, for example I mean that dh doesn't really "get" the who driving while black thing. He doesn't think that a lot of things are racially charged. He shouldn't because he never had to deal with it but it is a matter of I guess showing him another side to the world that he didn't really have to see till now.

[Anonymous]

I had to point things out to him when we got serious, but he pretty much understood the score before we got married.

[Anonymous]

Black man here. There's a balance. He might be oblivious and you might be overly sensitive. That's a bad mix.

[Anonymous]

I think an interracial relationship is a good opportunity for growth here. Ideally both become more aware of each other's experiences and that awareness spreads a bit through the families of origin.

How does he react when you tell him about this kind of thing? Maybe others can give you advice about how to talk about it.

Do you have children? I would think the events over the last few months would make parents think a bit about what kinds of interactions their children might have with police someday.

[Anonymous]

Does he has empathy in general? If so, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been married, OP? I am white and DH is AA. I admit I was relatively clueless about many racial matters when we started dating. Wake up call was seeing him pulled out of his car by the police and put up against the squad car right in front of me because he "looked suspicious". He was picking me up from work (in the neighborhood where he actually lived). So yeah, I wised up pretty quickly.

Honestly, after 20 years of marriage I think I'm the one now who is more sensitive and worries about DH getting hurt/harassed on the basis of race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, for example I mean that dh doesn't really "get" the who driving while black thing. He doesn't think that a lot of things are racially charged. He shouldn't because he never had to deal with it but it is a matter of I guess showing him another side to the world that he didn't really have to see till now.

NP. My husband is Latino, so not Black/AA therefore my reply may not be valid. I didn't get the whole driving while Black/Brown until DH got pulled over for driving 5 miles (!) over the speed limit. The cop threatened to impound the car. He made DH get out of the car and made me drive. It was a horrible and crazy experience. I think it is hard for white people to remove the veil of white privilege. Many white are unaware of it because it is so far out of the realm of their experience. With all the recent police dashcam video surfacing, this veil should go away quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are the minority of the duo (ex. I'm black, dh is white), do you notice that your spouse does things that are racially unaware?

Divorced now, but this was one of the sources of tension in our marriage. Same combo as you, but also different faiths.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a multicultural marriage but spouse is not AA. She's from Europe.

The only oblivious thing I can think of has to do with language. We are of course raising the kids to be bilingual - but she spoke German to the kids while we were in a bagel shop obviously run by orthodox folks.

They were clearly uncomfortable and I felt really awkward. She was just oblivious. There's a time and place for teaching the kids German, but this clearly wasn't it.

[Anonymous]

My husband (white) is racially aware, but we also try to make our home an oasis removed from America's obsession with race, racists and racism. Out there, we might be different races and people might attach significance to that, but together, we are just DH and DW. Human beings. I am African though, so I am emotionally more removed from racial issues than most minorities here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are the minority of the duo (ex. I'm black, dh is white), do you notice that your spouse does things that are racially unaware?

Obviously. That's what made the marriage possible, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a multicultural marriage but spouse is not AA. She's from Europe.

The only oblivious thing I can think of has to do with language. We are of course raising the kids to be bilingual - but she spoke German to the kids while we were in a bagel shop obviously run by orthodox folks.

They were clearly uncomfortable and I felt really awkward. She was just oblivious. There's a time and place for teaching the kids German, but this clearly wasn't it.

Oh please. So i asume you'd never speak English to your own kids if you were in front of a Native American, or Vietnamese, person?

[Anonymous]

My white kid has been pulled over in my neighborhood 7 times because he drives a hoopty and the neighborhood is affluent. He's asked where he's coming from and what is he doing in this area.

Police don't care about color. They care about REVENUE. Like the fat bastard cop sitting at the stop sign on the corner every morning. He's given tickets to almost everyone that doesn't make a complete stop. He's black.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My white kid has been pulled over in my neighborhood 7 times because he drives a hoopty and the neighborhood is affluent. He's asked where he's coming from and what is he doing in this area.

Police don't care about color. They care about REVENUE. Like the fat bastard cop sitting at the stop sign on the corner every morning. He's given tickets to almost everyone that doesn't make a complete stop. He's black.

Where are you? Police generally don't get the money from traffic tickets. That goes to the court or the jurisdiction's general fund. I doubt revenue is this guy's motivation....