DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That vacation sounds like heaven to me. I really enjoy huge family gatherings. Instead my in laws would have us sitting in the house staring at us for a week with nothing to do.

I totally agree! Both my parents and my in-laws are so sedentary and lazy and never want to do anything but sit around and eat and watch TV. It drives me bonkers! When my parents come to town, my sister and I try and try to come up with outings b/c we don't want to just sit around. This sounds so fun, I would love it if my family or in-laws actually thought to plan trips and outings and have people over. The grass is always greener, right??

OP here. I'm fine with outings. But, I'm not kidding when I say on the last trip that our days were booked from 9 a.m. until bedtime. For 6 days straight. We have enough of that the rest of the year. I'd like for my kids to have some opportunity for free play with the cousins.

OP again - in fact, the only good day, IMO, was when one of the other couples' kids got sick and spent most of the day at the doctor (not that I'd wish that on anyone!), and we ended up just chilling by the pool. But even then, while the kids were completely entertained and happy, my MIL wanted to uproot them all and walk them to the beach. I said no, they are getting along great, they are contained in one space (ages range down to toddler) and I'm happy just sitting in my lounge chair. Of course, DH was on the iPad, his brother was too, and me and my BIL and SIL sat with the MIL and watched. But that was my definition of a great day.

OP, can't you speak to your in-laws prior to the trip and ask if one or two days can be slated for the pool? Or if you don't like one of the outings or don't feel like going, can't you just say that you and your kids or going to sit this one out? Are you afraid to speak up? It's your vacation too, you do have a right to pick and choose what you'd like to participate in.

Yes, I could. For a long time, it has felt that the drama that would ensue is not worth opting out. But maybe I need to let go of that and let MIL have her drama to herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had wanted to do a vacation with his family. I really didn't want to go but, after over 5 years of him talking about it, I finally agreed to one. It certainly wasn't the best vacation ever. Whenever I got annoyed or stressed, I grabbed a book and went and sat on the porch by myself. Or I went for a run. Or I insisted we needed more milk and ran to the store just to get away. I actually ended up doing a lot of that.

But my husband was really happy and appreciative. The kids spent time with relatives they don't see very often. My inlaws were very grateful. And I'll admit it wasn't all bad. Since then, he hasn't insisted we do another family vacation (although I'm guessing in a few years it will come up again) and I got to pick what we did the next year.

Basically, the fact that my husband and kids were so happy outweighed the negatives for me. Not that I'd do a vacation with his family every year (HELL NO!). But for me, one week every 6-7 years was one of those compromises/sacrifices you have to do in a marriage.

I don't see why, if you agree to go, you can't take some time off by yourself if there are too many people around, or just tell your inlaws you aren't participating in whatever it is they are scheduling.

I would do it if it were every 6-7 years, no problem. Unfortunately, in our case (not OP), it is every year - and we have VERY little vacation time. On top of that, the ILs exclude DH when we are there, their family dynamics suck, MIL does the charade for bragging rights (or bitching rights - so you can't win, really), they barely speak to each other, and if I want to sit around and read, I can do that at home for free.

But every 6-7 years would be no problem.

Given the circumstances you described, I would choose not to go.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the answers. As an introvert, I totally get it. So if you go, then you need to get a different house/ apt or whatever to rent. You cannot stay with everyone else. Then you do a little research an find things to do with your family. You tell everyone that you want to do a little planning ahead. Ask them to join in the planning. Plan some family only activities, plan some whole group activities. My guess is that no one will want to pre-plan. After you have planned how it works for your family, invite others to join you for some of the activities.

You do not need to do everything with 15 other people. Let them call you bossy or stay home and don't go. Let your husband deal with them and they can think whatever they want of you. My guess is that if husband goes alone with your children, he will never want to do it again as he will be the one parent all the time.

Play it one way or the other, but don't feel you have to play it the way your husband wants to. Let him know if things don't change, you will not be going on that vacation with his family. He can do it alone. He is not taking your feelings into consideration.

[Anonymous]

I would go if they paid, but if I am paying, I'm going to chose the location and the company (or lack thereof.) My SIL complains that her husbands parents are always dragging them on cruises (and paying.) Poor them, NOT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had wanted to do a vacation with his family. I really didn't want to go but, after over 5 years of him talking about it, I finally agreed to one. It certainly wasn't the best vacation ever. Whenever I got annoyed or stressed, I grabbed a book and went and sat on the porch by myself. Or I went for a run. Or I insisted we needed more milk and ran to the store just to get away. I actually ended up doing a lot of that.

But my husband was really happy and appreciative. The kids spent time with relatives they don't see very often. My inlaws were very grateful. And I'll admit it wasn't all bad. Since then, he hasn't insisted we do another family vacation (although I'm guessing in a few years it will come up again) and I got to pick what we did the next year.

Basically, the fact that my husband and kids were so happy outweighed the negatives for me. Not that I'd do a vacation with his family every year (HELL NO!). But for me, one week every 6-7 years was one of those compromises/sacrifices you have to do in a marriage.

I don't see why, if you agree to go, you can't take some time off by yourself if there are too many people around, or just tell your inlaws you aren't participating in whatever it is they are scheduling.

I would do it if it were every 6-7 years, no problem. Unfortunately, in our case (not OP), it is every year - and we have VERY little vacation time. On top of that, the ILs exclude DH when we are there, their family dynamics suck, MIL does the charade for bragging rights (or bitching rights - so you can't win, really), they barely speak to each other, and if I want to sit around and read, I can do that at home for free.

But every 6-7 years would be no problem.

Given the circumstances you described, I would choose not to go.

Same here. Every several years is fine. Every year? Hell to the no. If he still wants to go, then he can manage the kids on his own. Hell, the grandparents don't want to see you anyway, so why worry about it? They want to see their grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Can you stay in a separate hotel/house than the rest of the family? When MIL gives you the schedule, tell her you and DH will talk it over and chose 1 or 2 of the things to do.

[Anonymous]

OP ~ YOU can go less often, YOU can go for a shorter period.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the suggestion of staying in a hotel. Then you can control when you are there with the group and when you are just chilling out. Or compromise and hit their house for three days and take the next four at a resort. I am not clear but am assuming you are visiting ILs at their house in FL or somewhere. Does this have to do with money? Like a free warm place to stay, or does your husband really enjoy hanging with the familia? He has to be reasonable and spilt this up somehow.

[Anonymous]

This is a husband problem, not a family problem. Your DH needs to make a decision between 1) being engaged with you and your kids while on vacation, and actively making sure you get alone time to recharge since this is NOT your family and he knows you are doing because it's important to him; or 2) let you stay home, with no attitude and no pressure, and provide a convincing alibi to his family.

He can't have it both ways...unless you let him, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP ~ YOU can go less often, YOU can go for a shorter period.

Why should OP vacation alone without her kids and husband? That doesn't seem right, does it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP ~ YOU can go less often, YOU can go for a shorter period.

Why should OP vacation alone without her kids and husband? That doesn't seem right, does it?

+1000

PP here. This is BS. Op should not have to be away from her nuclear family for a week, just so whiny MIL can get her way again....sorry deflecting here.....but its true.

In my case, FIL could not wait to be away from MIL, so it was a no brainer that they would be away from each other as often as possible. Not in my house. That is not how we do things. It is not how DH wants it, it is not how I want it, and it is not how our kids want it. We would prefer to be in a beautiful place together, not apart in a dump. But I digress....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That vacation sounds like heaven to me. I really enjoy huge family gatherings. Instead my in laws would have us sitting in the house staring at us for a week with nothing to do.

I totally agree! Both my parents and my in-laws are so sedentary and lazy and never want to do anything but sit around and eat and watch TV. It drives me bonkers! When my parents come to town, my sister and I try and try to come up with outings b/c we don't want to just sit around. This sounds so fun, I would love it if my family or in-laws actually thought to plan trips and outings and have people over. The grass is always greener, right??

OP here. I'm fine with outings. But, I'm not kidding when I say on the last trip that our days were booked from 9 a.m. until bedtime. For 6 days straight. We have enough of that the rest of the year. I'd like for my kids to have some opportunity for free play with the cousins.

OP again - in fact, the only good day, IMO, was when one of the other couples' kids got sick and spent most of the day at the doctor (not that I'd wish that on anyone!), and we ended up just chilling by the pool. But even then, while the kids were completely entertained and happy, my MIL wanted to uproot them all and walk them to the beach. I said no, they are getting along great, they are contained in one space (ages range down to toddler) and I'm happy just sitting in my lounge chair. Of course, DH was on the iPad, his brother was too, and me and my BIL and SIL sat with the MIL and watched. But that was my definition of a great day.

OP, can't you speak to your in-laws prior to the trip and ask if one or two days can be slated for the pool? Or if you don't like one of the outings or don't feel like going, can't you just say that you and your kids or going to sit this one out? Are you afraid to speak up? It's your vacation too, you do have a right to pick and choose what you'd like to participate in.

Yes, I could. For a long time, it has felt that the drama that would ensue is not worth opting out. But maybe I need to let go of that and let MIL have her drama to herself.

Yes OP, you've got to speak up for yourself more. If she schedules the day from 9-6, tell her that you and the kids won't be going anywhere before Noon. Don't ask, tell. If you think it will go over easier, tell her in advance so she's not shocked.

[Anonymous]

Married twenty years. I stopped going up to see his family three years ago. I sucked it up till the kids were older. I wish I had done it sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married twenty years. I stopped going up to see his family three years ago. I sucked it up till the kids were older. I wish I had done it sooner.

+1

I dread the annual hell week idea of a "vacation" with the ILs. Should have said "no" from the start! They hate each other and hate themselves, why on earth am I expected to like them?! Thanks for the vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married twenty years. I stopped going up to see his family three years ago. I sucked it up till the kids were older. I wish I had done it sooner.

+1

I dread the annual hell week idea of a "vacation" with the ILs. Should have said "no" from the start! They hate each other and hate themselves, why on earth am I expected to like them?! Thanks for the vent.

pp here. This is how I see it too. They don't even like to spend time together, why is it bad if I don't want to spend my vacation time dealing with it.