DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.

[Anonymous]

We have been married 10 years. I never enjoy trips to see his family, though I believe it is really important for our kids to see them and spend time with them. The big problem for me is that my MIL over schedules us and it stresses me out. Meanwhile, DH just chills out in the easy chair with the iPad while everyone else watches our kids (if I am not there) and essentially sees it (IMO) as having built-in babysitters. Not to mention, we have to go places as a group of 15 and no one makes decisions. And when DH and I make decisions everyone complains that we are bossy. Oh, and every night they have a party or 10 people come to the house to visit, so as an introvert, I feel like I am on constantly. It is miserable for me and I have tried to enjoy it, roll with it, just follow along, etc. frankly, I feel like the conversation is always really superficial and they schedule us constantly so no one ever has to spend more than 3 min talking to someone.

Anyone else dealt with this and found a happy place where you can agree with your spouse? It is one of the few sore points in our marriage that we cannot seem to resolve. And no, we don't vacation with my family. But they are local. And DH wouldn't want to (he has said as much) and I am not really interested either.

[Anonymous]

So just don't go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So just don't go.

then it looks like I am a terrible person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So just don't go.

then it looks like I am a terrible person?

Are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So just don't go.

then it looks like I am a terrible person?

Are you?

well, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So just don't go.

then it looks like I am a terrible person?

Are you?

well, no.

Then why does it matter what others think?


It's not that they'll think you're terrible. They'll KNOW that you don't like them or want to be around them. If that's how you feel, either own it or suck it up.

[Anonymous]

My husband had wanted to do a vacation with his family. I really didn't want to go but, after over 5 years of him talking about it, I finally agreed to one. It certainly wasn't the best vacation ever. Whenever I got annoyed or stressed, I grabbed a book and went and sat on the porch by myself. Or I went for a run. Or I insisted we needed more milk and ran to the store just to get away. I actually ended up doing a lot of that.

But my husband was really happy and appreciative. The kids spent time with relatives they don't see very often. My inlaws were very grateful. And I'll admit it wasn't all bad. Since then, he hasn't insisted we do another family vacation (although I'm guessing in a few years it will come up again) and I got to pick what we did the next year.

Basically, the fact that my husband and kids were so happy outweighed the negatives for me. Not that I'd do a vacation with his family every year (HELL NO!). But for me, one week every 6-7 years was one of those compromises/sacrifices you have to do in a marriage.

I don't see why, if you agree to go, you can't take some time off by yourself if there are too many people around, or just tell your inlaws you aren't participating in whatever it is they are scheduling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband had wanted to do a vacation with his family. I really didn't want to go but, after over 5 years of him talking about it, I finally agreed to one. It certainly wasn't the best vacation ever. Whenever I got annoyed or stressed, I grabbed a book and went and sat on the porch by myself. Or I went for a run. Or I insisted we needed more milk and ran to the store just to get away. I actually ended up doing a lot of that.

But my husband was really happy and appreciative. The kids spent time with relatives they don't see very often. My inlaws were very grateful. And I'll admit it wasn't all bad. Since then, he hasn't insisted we do another family vacation (although I'm guessing in a few years it will come up again) and I got to pick what we did the next year.

Basically, the fact that my husband and kids were so happy outweighed the negatives for me. Not that I'd do a vacation with his family every year (HELL NO!). But for me, one week every 6-7 years was one of those compromises/sacrifices you have to do in a marriage.

I don't see why, if you agree to go, you can't take some time off by yourself if there are too many people around, or just tell your inlaws you aren't participating in whatever it is they are scheduling.

+1

[Anonymous]

Have you spoken to your DH about this? Tell him you'll take the iPad and he can take the kids.

In terms of the over-scheduling of activities, you or better yet DH, say thank you for planning X, Y, Z, but really we just want to have a relaxing visit.

[Anonymous]

Go and stay in a hotel. Participate in some activities but not others. Plan your own day trips as a nuclear family for part of the time and participate in some big group things and send DH alone for other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So just don't go.

then it looks like I am a terrible person?

So no one can go because you don't want to go and don't want to look bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So just don't go.

+1 Sounds like hell to me. I wouldn't go.

[Anonymous]

When I read these responses, it is easy to see why so many people end up divorced. Some times you do things because it means a great deal to your spouse!

[Anonymous]

Going through this now. I had been hesitant about sending DH with DC by himself thinking it would look bad. Then I thought, well it's no secret that there is so much tension with us. We don't like each other anyway so I 'll stay home. They only care about seeing DC when it comes down to it. Even DH is a second class citizen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I read these responses, it is easy to see why so many people end up divorced. Some times you do things because it means a great deal to your spouse!

thanks. OP here. Yes, I know it means a lot to my spouse. And that's why I feel really selfish about this. Except that, every time we do any kind of trip with his family (which we did last year) I just end up so angry and frustrated, and like I really need my own vacation afterward. And we end up fighting. I tried to schedule some downtime of my own last time (we spent a week with them all) and it really is impossible to get away for more than a 30 min run. Maybe the answer really is that I suck it up and do it for DH every other year or every three years (I would feel better if it were every 5). we probably see the parents 4 times a year and the entire family once.