DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.

[Anonymous]

OP, the key I think is compromise. I don't think you should have to do this every year. Also, can you go for a shorter amount of time (arrive a day late, leave a day early), send DH without you, stay at a hotel, other compromises?

Also, go shopping a lot. Find a coffee house, take a book, and stay there for a while.

[Anonymous]

Sighs. In-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound a lot like my DH, and I signed on here because I can see this issue beginning to brew in our family too and was about to post a "how do you deal with this" post myself. Before DD was born I would just travel to see my family by myself most of the time, but now we have a 1 yo and it feels too overwhelming to travel alone with her (plus we want to spend our limited vacation together as a family). I miss my family so much though, and the idea of not really spending much time with them / not giving them time with their granddaughter is really upsetting. My DH also says he can't just relax when we're traveling with my family, and I get that, I really do, but it's a little tough to fully empathize because his family is local and at our house all the time. So I've had to learn how to relax and be myself with them. At the same time, it's not cool if your DH is insisting on vacationing with family because he wants you and his mom to do everything for him so he can just lay around.

Here's what I'm thinking for a compromise. We tried to do this last year but a last minute work trip derailed our plans. What if you went on vacation with the crew, but asked your MIL to keep the kids for a few of the nights so you and DH could get away yourselves, then find a B&B or something nearby where you can both relax without feeling like a slacker. Maybe you can even work it out with the other family members so that all of the parents who have young kids get a night or two away from the chaos.

PP here. MIL would never in a million years watch her small grandchildren. Besides, not sure that I would want her to, to be honest. And vacationing as a nuclear family is important. MIL definitely does not get this, she is dense. Hopefully OP's MIL gets it.

ugh. OP here. We tried this on our last trip. DH told MIL we wanted to go out to dinner one night. She threw a fit, saying that we didn't want to spend time with them and that we were ruining the trip. DH held firm but it was clear that everyone was shocked the night we went, that they couldn't believe we were actually doing it. DH had to drag me out, I felt so guilty.

Here is an example of where your DH was doing what you wanted to do, but he still had to drag you out because you felt guilty. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, but just to show that you might be making it a bit hard for him to know how to make you happy here.

OP here. Excellent point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have been married 10 years. I never enjoy trips to see his family, though I believe it is really important for our kids to see them and spend time with them. The big problem for me is that my MIL over schedules us and it stresses me out. Meanwhile, DH just chills out in the easy chair with the iPad while everyone else watches our kids (if I am not there) and essentially sees it (IMO) as having built-in babysitters. Not to mention, we have to go places as a group of 15 and no one makes decisions. And when DH and I make decisions everyone complains that we are bossy. Oh, and every night they have a party or 10 people come to the house to visit, so as an introvert, I feel like I am on constantly. It is miserable for me and I have tried to enjoy it, roll with it, just follow along, etc. frankly, I feel like the conversation is always really superficial and they schedule us constantly so no one ever has to spend more than 3 min talking to someone.

Anyone else dealt with this and found a happy place where you can agree with your spouse? It is one of the few sore points in our marriage that we cannot seem to resolve. And no, we don't vacation with my family. But they are local. And DH wouldn't want to (he has said as much) and I am not really interested either.

OP I come from a large family and that sounds about typical. The DH is in his moms house so he relaxes and thinks "mom can do it! I am going to relax" He does not notice that you are actually running around the whole time. He thinks you are "enjoying all the fuss" I am a bit of a loner and those family gatherings were exhausting. All that small talk. All that dressing and un dressing, shuffling all those people in and out of the cars, arranging who would be where, when. Then there is always the one who plans and plans and plans thinking that you have to be doing something. Some people really like that, but I never did. Finally I started saying no, we are NOT going. Or just saying that I needed some down time. Why do you think certain people have to "nap" while others need to go to the "liquor store" and stay gone for hours. It all needs to tone down some. Or just do it less often.

OP here. YES! you get it!!!

[Anonymous]

Get your own iPad, OP. Go on vacation. Play on the iPad, allow choas to ensue.