DH wants to vacation with family. I don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married twenty years. I stopped going up to see his family three years ago. I sucked it up till the kids were older. I wish I had done it sooner.

+1

I dread the annual hell week idea of a "vacation" with the ILs. Should have said "no" from the start! They hate each other and hate themselves, why on earth am I expected to like them?! Thanks for the vent.

pp here. This is how I see it too. They don't even like to spend time together, why is it bad if I don't want to spend my vacation time dealing with it.

Why do they insist on these vacations if no one is enjoying themselves? I just find that mystifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married twenty years. I stopped going up to see his family three years ago. I sucked it up till the kids were older. I wish I had done it sooner.

+1

I dread the annual hell week idea of a "vacation" with the ILs. Should have said "no" from the start! They hate each other and hate themselves, why on earth am I expected to like them?! Thanks for the vent.

pp here. This is how I see it too. They don't even like to spend time together, why is it bad if I don't want to spend my vacation time dealing with it.

Why do they insist on these vacations if no one is enjoying themselves? I just find that mystifying.

Its all about appearances, and bragging rights. Normal families don't do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So just don't go.

then it looks like I am a terrible person?

So what! What do you care what they think? Do you want to be happy or not?

[Anonymous]

OP, can you clarify a few things?

When you say "vacation with" do you mean going on a vacation with his family to a location where neither of you live? Or do you mean visiting them at their home?

I assume you are visiting them at their home. When you are married to someone who has family in a different city, you should expect to spend several days per year visiting them. Either a few short trips or one longer trip. But you have their son, grandkids, nieces, nephews, cousins. Don't come between these important relationships. They should come visit you occasionally, but not as a replacement for your visits. It is just more practical for your family to see everyone in one trip than for several families to come to you. That's just the way it is. Life's not fair.

Maybe you should consider going on a trip WITH his family instead (if that's not what you are already doing). My friend used to visit her DH's family every Thanksgiving. She hated it and was totally miserable. For instance, their tradition was to spend the entire day after Thanksgiving shopping for their real Christmas trees. Which would be fun if you were actually the one getting a tree! Flying at that time was also a hassle and expensive. So she suggested doing a family trip every summer instead at a location between their homes. They find somewhere that's within driving distance for both of them so nobody has to buy plane tickets. Everyone has a blast, she gets to have a say in the plans, and they stay in a hotel instead of a guest room. They plan it over a holiday weekend so that nobody has to use more than a day of vacation time.

Are these 15 people close relatives who you SHOULD be spending time with?

If these are DH's siblings and their families, you need to suck it up. When my brother and his family come to town (which is rare) I spend every minute I can with them. Because I miss them terribly and never know how long until I will see them again. But if it's DH's extended family, I think you can push for one big dinner per visit with the whole clan and be done with it. Your DH should tell his parents that this is what you guys want because it is just too exhausting and overwhelming to have constant chaos.

If you are an introvert, please know that most people are understanding about that. If they aren't, it's time they learn to be. My DH and my SIL (brother's wife) are introverts. So they don't participate in a lot of stuff. When we play board games, they go in another room to read or go outside or something. Nobody cares at all. we know that we are loud and obnoxious sometimes and understand why some people would prefer to stay away. My mom also plans a packed full agenda when they come to town. SIL opts out of many activities. She just says "I need some downtime so I will just stay here if that's ok." It's not an issue at all. But it would be an issue if she went along with the activities but pouted and acted miserable the whole time. she will also sometimes find something in town that she would like to go do on her own. Last time there was an exhibit at the art museum that she wanted to see. So she went and saw it on her own. No big deal. Sometimes she will go visit her friend that lives here.

You are the in law. They want to spend time with you, but care more about spending time with your husband and kids. They won't be heartbroken if you don't want to be at their side 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Don't feel bad, OP. While my in-laws are not mean or anything, we are just very different. I am a huge introvert, I don't like big groups, so after nearly 10 years of marriage, I started sending the kids with DH. Now just be aware that your ILs will complain and pout so you need to develop a thick skin. Do you care about these people's opinion?

[Anonymous]

We go visit DH's grandma a couple of times per year. I love her, but she talks A LOT! It's exhausting. DH used to hide his face in a newspaper or his Kindle. i put a stop to that. I told him that if we are going to continue taking these trips to see her, he needs to endure his fair share of the conversation. It has been fine ever since.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound a lot like my DH, and I signed on here because I can see this issue beginning to brew in our family too and was about to post a "how do you deal with this" post myself. Before DD was born I would just travel to see my family by myself most of the time, but now we have a 1 yo and it feels too overwhelming to travel alone with her (plus we want to spend our limited vacation together as a family). I miss my family so much though, and the idea of not really spending much time with them / not giving them time with their granddaughter is really upsetting. My DH also says he can't just relax when we're traveling with my family, and I get that, I really do, but it's a little tough to fully empathize because his family is local and at our house all the time. So I've had to learn how to relax and be myself with them. At the same time, it's not cool if your DH is insisting on vacationing with family because he wants you and his mom to do everything for him so he can just lay around.

Here's what I'm thinking for a compromise. We tried to do this last year but a last minute work trip derailed our plans. What if you went on vacation with the crew, but asked your MIL to keep the kids for a few of the nights so you and DH could get away yourselves, then find a B&B or something nearby where you can both relax without feeling like a slacker. Maybe you can even work it out with the other family members so that all of the parents who have young kids get a night or two away from the chaos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound a lot like my DH, and I signed on here because I can see this issue beginning to brew in our family too and was about to post a "how do you deal with this" post myself. Before DD was born I would just travel to see my family by myself most of the time, but now we have a 1 yo and it feels too overwhelming to travel alone with her (plus we want to spend our limited vacation together as a family). I miss my family so much though, and the idea of not really spending much time with them / not giving them time with their granddaughter is really upsetting. My DH also says he can't just relax when we're traveling with my family, and I get that, I really do, but it's a little tough to fully empathize because his family is local and at our house all the time. So I've had to learn how to relax and be myself with them. At the same time, it's not cool if your DH is insisting on vacationing with family because he wants you and his mom to do everything for him so he can just lay around.

Here's what I'm thinking for a compromise. We tried to do this last year but a last minute work trip derailed our plans. What if you went on vacation with the crew, but asked your MIL to keep the kids for a few of the nights so you and DH could get away yourselves, then find a B&B or something nearby where you can both relax without feeling like a slacker. Maybe you can even work it out with the other family members so that all of the parents who have young kids get a night or two away from the chaos.

PP here. MIL would never in a million years watch her small grandchildren. Besides, not sure that I would want her to, to be honest. And vacationing as a nuclear family is important. MIL definitely does not get this, she is dense. Hopefully OP's MIL gets it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound a lot like my DH, and I signed on here because I can see this issue beginning to brew in our family too and was about to post a "how do you deal with this" post myself. Before DD was born I would just travel to see my family by myself most of the time, but now we have a 1 yo and it feels too overwhelming to travel alone with her (plus we want to spend our limited vacation together as a family). I miss my family so much though, and the idea of not really spending much time with them / not giving them time with their granddaughter is really upsetting. My DH also says he can't just relax when we're traveling with my family, and I get that, I really do, but it's a little tough to fully empathize because his family is local and at our house all the time. So I've had to learn how to relax and be myself with them. At the same time, it's not cool if your DH is insisting on vacationing with family because he wants you and his mom to do everything for him so he can just lay around.

Here's what I'm thinking for a compromise. We tried to do this last year but a last minute work trip derailed our plans. What if you went on vacation with the crew, but asked your MIL to keep the kids for a few of the nights so you and DH could get away yourselves, then find a B&B or something nearby where you can both relax without feeling like a slacker. Maybe you can even work it out with the other family members so that all of the parents who have young kids get a night or two away from the chaos.

PP here. MIL would never in a million years watch her small grandchildren. Besides, not sure that I would want her to, to be honest. And vacationing as a nuclear family is important. MIL definitely does not get this, she is dense. Hopefully OP's MIL gets it.

ugh. OP here. We tried this on our last trip. DH told MIL we wanted to go out to dinner one night. She threw a fit, saying that we didn't want to spend time with them and that we were ruining the trip. DH held firm but it was clear that everyone was shocked the night we went, that they couldn't believe we were actually doing it. DH had to drag me out, I felt so guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound a lot like my DH, and I signed on here because I can see this issue beginning to brew in our family too and was about to post a "how do you deal with this" post myself. Before DD was born I would just travel to see my family by myself most of the time, but now we have a 1 yo and it feels too overwhelming to travel alone with her (plus we want to spend our limited vacation together as a family). I miss my family so much though, and the idea of not really spending much time with them / not giving them time with their granddaughter is really upsetting. My DH also says he can't just relax when we're traveling with my family, and I get that, I really do, but it's a little tough to fully empathize because his family is local and at our house all the time. So I've had to learn how to relax and be myself with them. At the same time, it's not cool if your DH is insisting on vacationing with family because he wants you and his mom to do everything for him so he can just lay around.

Here's what I'm thinking for a compromise. We tried to do this last year but a last minute work trip derailed our plans. What if you went on vacation with the crew, but asked your MIL to keep the kids for a few of the nights so you and DH could get away yourselves, then find a B&B or something nearby where you can both relax without feeling like a slacker. Maybe you can even work it out with the other family members so that all of the parents who have young kids get a night or two away from the chaos.

PP here. MIL would never in a million years watch her small grandchildren. Besides, not sure that I would want her to, to be honest. And vacationing as a nuclear family is important. MIL definitely does not get this, she is dense. Hopefully OP's MIL gets it.

ugh. OP here. We tried this on our last trip. DH told MIL we wanted to go out to dinner one night. She threw a fit, saying that we didn't want to spend time with them and that we were ruining the trip. DH held firm but it was clear that everyone was shocked the night we went, that they couldn't believe we were actually doing it. DH had to drag me out, I felt so guilty.

Here is an example of where your DH was doing what you wanted to do, but he still had to drag you out because you felt guilty. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, but just to show that you might be making it a bit hard for him to know how to make you happy here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been married 10 years. I never enjoy trips to see his family, though I believe it is really important for our kids to see them and spend time with them. The big problem for me is that my MIL over schedules us and it stresses me out. Meanwhile, DH just chills out in the easy chair with the iPad while everyone else watches our kids (if I am not there) and essentially sees it (IMO) as having built-in babysitters. Not to mention, we have to go places as a group of 15 and no one makes decisions. And when DH and I make decisions everyone complains that we are bossy. Oh, and every night they have a party or 10 people come to the house to visit, so as an introvert, I feel like I am on constantly. It is miserable for me and I have tried to enjoy it, roll with it, just follow along, etc. frankly, I feel like the conversation is always really superficial and they schedule us constantly so no one ever has to spend more than 3 min talking to someone.

Anyone else dealt with this and found a happy place where you can agree with your spouse? It is one of the few sore points in our marriage that we cannot seem to resolve. And no, we don't vacation with my family. But they are local. And DH wouldn't want to (he has said as much) and I am not really interested either.

OP I come from a large family and that sounds about typical. The DH is in his moms house so he relaxes and thinks "mom can do it! I am going to relax" He does not notice that you are actually running around the whole time. He thinks you are "enjoying all the fuss" I am a bit of a loner and those family gatherings were exhausting. All that small talk. All that dressing and un dressing, shuffling all those people in and out of the cars, arranging who would be where, when. Then there is always the one who plans and plans and plans thinking that you have to be doing something. Some people really like that, but I never did. Finally I started saying no, we are NOT going. Or just saying that I needed some down time. Why do you think certain people have to "nap" while others need to go to the "liquor store" and stay gone for hours. It all needs to tone down some. Or just do it less often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have been married 10 years. I never enjoy trips to see his family, though I believe it is really important for our kids to see them and spend time with them. The big problem for me is that my MIL over schedules us and it stresses me out. Meanwhile, DH just chills out in the easy chair with the iPad while everyone else watches our kids (if I am not there) and essentially sees it (IMO) as having built-in babysitters. Not to mention, we have to go places as a group of 15 and no one makes decisions. And when DH and I make decisions everyone complains that we are bossy. Oh, and every night they have a party or 10 people come to the house to visit, so as an introvert, I feel like I am on constantly. It is miserable for me and I have tried to enjoy it, roll with it, just follow along, etc. frankly, I feel like the conversation is always really superficial and they schedule us constantly so no one ever has to spend more than 3 min talking to someone.

Anyone else dealt with this and found a happy place where you can agree with your spouse? It is one of the few sore points in our marriage that we cannot seem to resolve. And no, we don't vacation with my family. But they are local. And DH wouldn't want to (he has said as much) and I am not really interested either.

OP I come from a large family and that sounds about typical. The DH is in his moms house so he relaxes and thinks "mom can do it! I am going to relax" He does not notice that you are actually running around the whole time. He thinks you are "enjoying all the fuss" I am a bit of a loner and those family gatherings were exhausting. All that small talk. All that dressing and un dressing, shuffling all those people in and out of the cars, arranging who would be where, when. Then there is always the one who plans and plans and plans thinking that you have to be doing something. Some people really like that, but I never did. Finally I started saying no, we are NOT going. Or just saying that I needed some down time. Why do you think certain people have to "nap" while others need to go to the "liquor store" and stay gone for hours. It all needs to tone down some. Or just do it less often.

I laughed at this statement, because MIL is completely lazy, and barely does for herself. Hell if I'm going to step in and be the good wifey and take care of everything while DH and they other ILs disappear (separately). The IL's don't include him in anything, so what's the point? The whole idea of going on a vacation with my ILs is absurdity at its best. PP here.

[Anonymous]

My DH knows going to ILs for "vacation" is not a vacation for me. So he offers to take the kids there without me. Sometimes I do stay home, other times I go.
FWIW, he doesn't like it either, and he often runs to the store for something to get away from them.
My last visit with them over thanksgiving was so miserable I won't be going anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I read these responses, it is easy to see why so many people end up divorced. Some times you do things because it means a great deal to your spouse!

+2. "Introverted" is not a get out of anything you want card. You go. Maybe not every year. You set expectations with your husband (e.g., after dinner, you're "off" and by yourself for an hour or two to recharge.) But, you're an adult. Figure a way to make it work.

I don't mean to sound harsh. But, since when does everything we do have to meet all of our wants? Sometimes you put on your big girl pants and suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That vacation sounds like heaven to me. I really enjoy huge family gatherings. Instead my in laws would have us sitting in the house staring at us for a week with nothing to do.

I totally agree! Both my parents and my in-laws are so sedentary and lazy and never want to do anything but sit around and eat and watch TV. It drives me bonkers! When my parents come to town, my sister and I try and try to come up with outings b/c we don't want to just sit around. This sounds so fun, I would love it if my family or in-laws actually thought to plan trips and outings and have people over. The grass is always greener, right??

OP here. I'm fine with outings. But, I'm not kidding when I say on the last trip that our days were booked from 9 a.m. until bedtime. For 6 days straight. We have enough of that the rest of the year. I'd like for my kids to have some opportunity for free play with the cousins.

Jesus, OP! Are you an adult? Say no. Make other plans. Peel off after a half day to do what it is you want (or do nothing). Unless they are holding guns to your head, you have free will to say no. So, do so. Quit being a whiny doormat.

And, your DH's behavior would absolutely NOT fly in our house. He's going to pitch in or we wouldn't be going.