Mom wants to quit her job, sell her house, and move in with us.

[Anonymous]

+1 And if you tell your mom is won't work for your family, own that decision. Don't infer or insinuate that it's because your husband doesn't want it. Be clear that you love her and want to help her, but that living with your family is not the right solution for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your first priority is to your DH and your children. I know you love your mother, but her moving in with you (realistically for the rest of her life -- maybe 30-40 years given her age) will permanently impact the family life you create with your DH and school-aged children. Is that the vision you and your DH have/had for your family?

Maybe you and your siblings could pool your money together to help your mom with her monthly rent/living expenses. One of you should help her handle her finances -- make sure her rent, utilities, basic bills are paid, etc.

Also, for those of you living with toxic relatives -- I don't understand WHY you allow these toxic parents/grandparents to live with you. Seriously. I fully agree with "honoring my parents" but that does NOT mean you allow mean-spirited, abusive people to control your lives. Find another way to make sure that they have shelter, food, basic necessities, but there is no way they should be in your homes poisoning your lives on a daily basis.

OP here. That would be ideal, but it my mom doesn't want anyone handling her finances. Of course, she won't handle them herself either. What she wants is someone who will take care of her. I think she thought she would find a man to do this but that hasn't happened (and is obviously a terrible plan besides) My two youngest siblings are still building their lives and won't be in a position to contribute meaningfully for many years. The oldest brother might be, but he and SIL are smack in the middle of paying school loans and full daycare for 2, and buying into SIL's law firm, so they aren't in a much better position, in the short term at least, than I am. I really don't know what to tell my mom - maybe sell the condo, keep her job for as long as she can, but move in with HER mother (who has few assets and won't live another 2 years probably)?

My DH is quite open to my mom moving in. He comes from a country where this is more normal. He thinks I am being mean to my mom if I don't let her move in.

The gift that keeps taking:

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/dependent-personality-disorder-symptoms/

[Anonymous]

you all are monsters--take care of your mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom quit her job, moved in with us, has not found a job, and I hope she will never leave. She handles the school drop offs and pick ups and runs myriad errands for us. We love having her, and she makes life easier for my spouse and I and provides loving care for our kids. However, she is a very easy person to love -- sweet and helpful and fun. It doesn't sound like that's the case for you. But I just want to weigh in here for the record to say it isn't always a bad idea. We love the arrangement.

thank you. you are a great dd!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced three years ago. When all was settled, dad's business liquidated, and house was sold, they each walked away with a little under 200k. My mom used maybe 30k as a down payment on the condo where she's been living. We don't really know about the rest, but we're pretty sure she gave quite a bit of it away to a "friend" and she outspends her income, so I'm not sure there's any money left. She won't talk about it.

Anyway, she's been having problems at work, and she is planning to sell the condo, quit her job, and move in with us. She plans to find a job when she arrives here (she lives in another city now) but her prospects aren't good and she was unsuccessful a few years ago when she first tried finding another job. She is a nurse, but has only an associate's and has been working as a school nurse (another state, where schools do have nurses) for the past 12 years.

She will receive a small pension from her old job but it is less than 1k and she needs health insurance.
Also part of the deal my parents made was that my college age sister would remain on my mom's health insurance, and my mom would provide my sister with a place to live during summers, etc. Mom pays nothing, and is not willing to contribute toward my sister's tuition, ever, and has said so. My dad paid it, even though he was pretty much unemployed for 2 years.

We are willing and able to provide room and board. She is willing to drop off and pick up our 2 kids from school, which will save us from having to pay SACC. I'm not even working now, but probably will be soon, and with a bad commute. DH's schedule and commute aren't so bad but sometimes he travels, so having backup would be great.

I'm really worried though, that my mom will quit her job, move in with us, not find a job, and never leave. She has offered us money toward a DP when we buy, but I don't want to take it because it comes with too many strings. On the other hand, we would be able to buy her out, and maybe this small amount of money would be safer that way, rather than being quickly burned through.

I am my mom's least favorite and least successful child (I have 3 siblings) and I find it odd that she expects I will want to take care of her for the rest of her life. Judging from family genetics, she will likely live well into her 80s and maybe 90s. My siblings will likely be in a position to be able to help out financially. I really just am not sure I want her living with us.

Is this just totally a bad idea? Should I tell her not to come? Even if it's officially a "trial period", what if we get to that end date and things are not working, and she has no job, no money...

Sorry OP, I wanted to like and offer support, but once you decided to insult RN's with ONLY an ADN, you lost me. I make far more with my ADN than my BS degreed police officer husband makes. So suck it OP

I'm an RN too, don't be so sensitive. She was perhaps saying that her Mom can't get a job in administration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ And I am happy to hear that you are doing so well with your ADN. Things are competitive around here, and from what I've been able to learn, it is easier to get hired with a bachelor's. I don't necessarily agree with that system, but unfortunately that's how many hiring decisions are made.

Many magnet hospitals are hiring only BSN nurses. Maybe OP was trying to demonstrate that.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a terrible idea. If your mother is not an easy person, I would never consider it.

The thought of my mother moving in with me literally makes me shudder. But she is very overbearing and stubborn and loves to overrule my wishes and make snide jabs at me constantly. I can barely be around her for short holidays.

She is alright when she is working but when she is bored and not fully occupied, she is really a pill. Think about what your Mom will be like OP, when she is not working and sitting around your house. It may actually be worse than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Between this thread and several others about teenaged and adult children and their often strained relationships with their mothers, I must say I am so disheartened at what lies ahead in this culture as I "age out" as a mother. There is no respect, no kindness, just avoidance and blame. Aren't you all mothers? Aren't we all doing the best we can do, and can't we realize that, for the most part, our mothers did, too?

I know that everyone's life and circumstances are different, but I would have loved it if my mother had been able to move in with us. Instead she died way too young of an awful and aggressive cancer. I'm still reeling from that loss, and now with a 14yo DD I am beginning to experience the pain of losing her too as she develops her own identity. All of this is natural; babies are born, kids grow up, and parents die--I get that. But why do mothers get such a bad rap?

I was thinking along the same lines. I can understand OPs position on this, specially since she is SAHM. Her options here may be limited and I can understand her dilemma.
It is depressing think, what would happen if I were to ever rely on my kids, when they are older

[Anonymous]

Dear god, please don't do it. It will ruin your life, your marriage and your kids.

[Anonymous]

No, unless you and DH are psychologically prepared to take care of her 100% and manage all her demands.

Does your DH realize that these things will also affect him, his finances, and his daily life? Or does he think that she will pay her own way and be an unobtrusive presence or even a help around the house and with childcare?

You have to tell her: "Mother, I cannot help you in any way whatsoever, let alone welcome you into my house, if my siblings and I don't have complete control of your finances. You expect everything from us, yet can't even extend the courtesy to share vital information with us. Show us your accounts, and we will figure out a way to help you."

My mother and her siblings pooled their resources to rent a small apartment for my grandmother, plus a maid who cooked and helped her bathe every day. It was the best solution for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you all are monsters--take care of your mother

I feel sorry for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Between this thread and several others about teenaged and adult children and their often strained relationships with their mothers, I must say I am so disheartened at what lies ahead in this culture as I "age out" as a mother. There is no respect, no kindness, just avoidance and blame. Aren't you all mothers? Aren't we all doing the best we can do, and can't we realize that, for the most part, our mothers did, too?

I know that everyone's life and circumstances are different, but I would have loved it if my mother had been able to move in with us. Instead she died way too young of an awful and aggressive cancer. I'm still reeling from that loss, and now with a 14yo DD I am beginning to experience the pain of losing her too as she develops her own identity. All of this is natural; babies are born, kids grow up, and parents die--I get that. But why do mothers get such a bad rap?

I'm sorry you lost your mom, but you've got the wrong thread.

+1 - Crises happen in life (illness, loss of home to fire or flood, etc.) when we rally around extended family and help them get past that period but I do not think parents of adult children who squander their money, choose not to save for their retirement or "phone it in" to work and expect to be fired should feel entitled to insert themselves into their child's life. I'm sorry that you lost your mom.

This. So much this.

[Anonymous]

Why does she want to quit her job, lose her health insurance, give up her own place....?? Makes no sense.

Is she on the verge of losing it all any way? I would try to find out what was going on with her because these decisions do not sound well thought at all.

[Anonymous]

I'm a great mother to my children. And, up, pp, I assure you I am not a monster. My kids and dh come first. I expect my children to do the same for their children. As an adult it is my job to plan for my future so I am not a burden on my children.

It is so wrong of your mother to expect you to provide for her financially when she has not done it for herself. She will be taking money and time away from your children. Your children won't get a choice in this.

Op all we know is what you've told us about this woman. There is no way that you think this is going to work out. Did you think people on this forum would convince you otherwise? You do not owe your mother for birthing you. Just the way she is handling this makes it clear that she will be a problem. I can't believe you are even considering it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you all are monsters--take care of your mother

I feel sorry for your kids.

+1. The only adult mom I know who thinks their kids should take care of them is a monster who can't take care of herself (no job, doesn't brush hair, etc.) has created kids who also have no self esteem, cut themselves, and are terribly guilty about everything they do that isn't dictated by their Momster. Awful.