Mom wants to quit her job, sell her house, and move in with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Between this thread and several others about teenaged and adult children and their often strained relationships with their mothers, I must say I am so disheartened at what lies ahead in this culture as I "age out" as a mother. There is no respect, no kindness, just avoidance and blame. Aren't you all mothers? Aren't we all doing the best we can do, and can't we realize that, for the most part, our mothers did, too?

I know that everyone's life and circumstances are different, but I would have loved it if my mother had been able to move in with us. Instead she died way too young of an awful and aggressive cancer. I'm still reeling from that loss, and now with a 14yo DD I am beginning to experience the pain of losing her too as she develops her own identity. All of this is natural; babies are born, kids grow up, and parents die--I get that. But why do mothers get such a bad rap?

I'm sorry you lost your mom, but you've got the wrong thread.

[Anonymous]

Do not do this. It will ruin your family dynamic and your marriage. Figure out another way to help your mother that does not involve upending your own life. Free pick up by your mom is NOT worth it. And soon your children will be older and wanting to do other things after school. And you do no describe your mother as remotely responsible...I think within a couple months you won't even want her picking up your kids. Tell her that moving in is not the right solution for anyone. Put your own, immediate family first. That is your first obligation.

And am I reading correctly that you wouldn't expect her to help out with cleaning or cooking? There are so, so, so many red flags with this idea. Letting your mother live with you is NOT the only way you can show her that you love her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it is not a good idea.

Financially, I would expect her to not maintain employment or even get a job once she moves. I would guess she would just want to sit at home all day or do her own thing and be filled with excuses. Sounds like she will be a burden for you financially and with an extra person to clean and cook for. I would also worry that she starts to battle you on the childcare afte awhile.

Also, think about daily living with her. Sharing a shower, would she leave dirty dishes around, insisting on watching her shows, etc. Would you and your DH end up fighting more? Would you be resentful of your mother? And after a few years of realizing it is not working would you feel comfortable kicking your unrmployed mother out of the house?

I know I sound really negative about it but from your description I just can not see it working. I think having a less than ideal relationship with her to start with will only accelerate the downward spiral.

I think you should say no for your sanity, finances and your marriage.

Here's the thing, this lady won't adhere to any requests made by her daughter. You can "expect" all you want but it won't happen.

OP - please don't do this. You know you will regret it. We can all tell by your posts. You're mom is a grown up, she can figure it out for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Between this thread and several others about teenaged and adult children and their often strained relationships with their mothers, I must say I am so disheartened at what lies ahead in this culture as I "age out" as a mother. There is no respect, no kindness, just avoidance and blame. Aren't you all mothers? Aren't we all doing the best we can do, and can't we realize that, for the most part, our mothers did, too?

I know that everyone's life and circumstances are different, but I would have loved it if my mother had been able to move in with us. Instead she died way too young of an awful and aggressive cancer. I'm still reeling from that loss, and now with a 14yo DD I am beginning to experience the pain of losing her too as she develops her own identity. All of this is natural; babies are born, kids grow up, and parents die--I get that. But why do mothers get such a bad rap?

I'm sorry you lost your mom, but you've got the wrong thread.

+1 - Crises happen in life (illness, loss of home to fire or flood, etc.) when we rally around extended family and help them get past that period but I do not think parents of adult children who squander their money, choose not to save for their retirement or "phone it in" to work and expect to be fired should feel entitled to insert themselves into their child's life. I'm sorry that you lost your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Between this thread and several others about teenaged and adult children and their often strained relationships with their mothers, I must say I am so disheartened at what lies ahead in this culture as I "age out" as a mother. There is no respect, no kindness, just avoidance and blame. Aren't you all mothers? Aren't we all doing the best we can do, and can't we realize that, for the most part, our mothers did, too?

I know that everyone's life and circumstances are different, but I would have loved it if my mother had been able to move in with us. Instead she died way too young of an awful and aggressive cancer. I'm still reeling from that loss, and now with a 14yo DD I am beginning to experience the pain of losing her too as she develops her own identity. All of this is natural; babies are born, kids grow up, and parents die--I get that. But why do mothers get such a bad rap?

It sounds like you were fortunate enough to grow up with an emotionally healthy mother. Not everyone is so lucky. If you've never lived with a difficult person, you likely have no idea how miserable an experience it can be. I might have had feelings similar to yours, had I not encountered my dh's family and learned about personality disorders and how they affect people and their families. It's worlds apart from living with emotionally healthy people with run-of-the-mill grievances.

[Anonymous]

Your first priority is to your DH and your children. I know you love your mother, but her moving in with you (realistically for the rest of her life -- maybe 30-40 years given her age) will permanently impact the family life you create with your DH and school-aged children. Is that the vision you and your DH have/had for your family?

Maybe you and your siblings could pool your money together to help your mom with her monthly rent/living expenses. One of you should help her handle her finances -- make sure her rent, utilities, basic bills are paid, etc.

Also, for those of you living with toxic relatives -- I don't understand WHY you allow these toxic parents/grandparents to live with you. Seriously. I fully agree with "honoring my parents" but that does NOT mean you allow mean-spirited, abusive people to control your lives. Find another way to make sure that they have shelter, food, basic necessities, but there is no way they should be in your homes poisoning your lives on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Between this thread and several others about teenaged and adult children and their often strained relationships with their mothers, I must say I am so disheartened at what lies ahead in this culture as I "age out" as a mother. There is no respect, no kindness, just avoidance and blame. Aren't you all mothers? Aren't we all doing the best we can do, and can't we realize that, for the most part, our mothers did, too?

I know that everyone's life and circumstances are different, but I would have loved it if my mother had been able to move in with us. Instead she died way too young of an awful and aggressive cancer. I'm still reeling from that loss, and now with a 14yo DD I am beginning to experience the pain of losing her too as she develops her own identity. All of this is natural; babies are born, kids grow up, and parents die--I get that. But why do mothers get such a bad rap?

It sounds like you were fortunate enough to grow up with an emotionally healthy mother. Not everyone is so lucky. If you've never lived with a difficult person, you likely have no idea how miserable an experience it can be. I might have had feelings similar to yours, had I not encountered my dh's family and learned about personality disorders and how they affect people and their families. It's worlds apart from living with emotionally healthy people with run-of-the-mill grievances.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your first priority is to your DH and your children. I know you love your mother, but her moving in with you (realistically for the rest of her life -- maybe 30-40 years given her age) will permanently impact the family life you create with your DH and school-aged children. Is that the vision you and your DH have/had for your family?

Maybe you and your siblings could pool your money together to help your mom with her monthly rent/living expenses. One of you should help her handle her finances -- make sure her rent, utilities, basic bills are paid, etc.

Also, for those of you living with toxic relatives -- I don't understand WHY you allow these toxic parents/grandparents to live with you. Seriously. I fully agree with "honoring my parents" but that does NOT mean you allow mean-spirited, abusive people to control your lives. Find another way to make sure that they have shelter, food, basic necessities, but there is no way they should be in your homes poisoning your lives on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your first priority is to your DH and your children. I know you love your mother, but her moving in with you (realistically for the rest of her life -- maybe 30-40 years given her age) will permanently impact the family life you create with your DH and school-aged children. Is that the vision you and your DH have/had for your family?

Maybe you and your siblings could pool your money together to help your mom with her monthly rent/living expenses. One of you should help her handle her finances -- make sure her rent, utilities, basic bills are paid, etc.

Also, for those of you living with toxic relatives -- I don't understand WHY you allow these toxic parents/grandparents to live with you. Seriously. I fully agree with "honoring my parents" but that does NOT mean you allow mean-spirited, abusive people to control your lives. Find another way to make sure that they have shelter, food, basic necessities, but there is no way they should be in your homes poisoning your lives on a daily basis.

OP here. That would be ideal, but it my mom doesn't want anyone handling her finances. Of course, she won't handle them herself either. What she wants is someone who will take care of her. I think she thought she would find a man to do this but that hasn't happened (and is obviously a terrible plan besides) My two youngest siblings are still building their lives and won't be in a position to contribute meaningfully for many years. The oldest brother might be, but he and SIL are smack in the middle of paying school loans and full daycare for 2, and buying into SIL's law firm, so they aren't in a much better position, in the short term at least, than I am. I really don't know what to tell my mom - maybe sell the condo, keep her job for as long as she can, but move in with HER mother (who has few assets and won't live another 2 years probably)?

My DH is quite open to my mom moving in. He comes from a country where this is more normal. He thinks I am being mean to my mom if I don't let her move in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your first priority is to your DH and your children. I know you love your mother, but her moving in with you (realistically for the rest of her life -- maybe 30-40 years given her age) will permanently impact the family life you create with your DH and school-aged children. Is that the vision you and your DH have/had for your family?

Maybe you and your siblings could pool your money together to help your mom with her monthly rent/living expenses. One of you should help her handle her finances -- make sure her rent, utilities, basic bills are paid, etc.

Also, for those of you living with toxic relatives -- I don't understand WHY you allow these toxic parents/grandparents to live with you. Seriously. I fully agree with "honoring my parents" but that does NOT mean you allow mean-spirited, abusive people to control your lives. Find another way to make sure that they have shelter, food, basic necessities, but there is no way they should be in your homes poisoning your lives on a daily basis.

OP here. That would be ideal, but it my mom doesn't want anyone handling her finances. Of course, she won't handle them herself either. What she wants is someone who will take care of her. I think she thought she would find a man to do this but that hasn't happened (and is obviously a terrible plan besides) My two youngest siblings are still building their lives and won't be in a position to contribute meaningfully for many years. The oldest brother might be, but he and SIL are smack in the middle of paying school loans and full daycare for 2, and buying into SIL's law firm, so they aren't in a much better position, in the short term at least, than I am. I really don't know what to tell my mom - maybe sell the condo, keep her job for as long as she can, but move in with HER mother (who has few assets and won't live another 2 years probably)?

My DH is quite open to my mom moving in. He comes from a country where this is more normal. He thinks I am being mean to my mom if I don't let her move in.

Perhaps your husband is sincere, but do not delude yourself. Allowing your mother to move into your home, with you family, particularly in light of all the things you have revealed here (bad money manager, squanders, looking to be taken care of, bad worker who phones it in, doesn't clean or cook, etc.) I cannot believe you expect this will go well for you, your family or your marriage. It is starting to sound to me like you are hellbent on doing this, so I'm not really sure why you came here. If you can't see what a bad idea this is and have the strength to not allow it to happen then you kinda deserve how this will turn out...and trust that it will turn out badly. Tell your mom to sell her condo and rent or move in with her mother. You make it sound as if it is your mother's decision about whether she moves in with you or not. Offering the invite is NOT her decision. It is yours.

[Anonymous]

How can your mother make all these plans without your permission in the first place ?

[Anonymous]

My mom quit her job, moved in with us, has not found a job, and I hope she will never leave. She handles the school drop offs and pick ups and runs myriad errands for us. We love having her, and she makes life easier for my spouse and I and provides loving care for our kids. However, she is a very easy person to love -- sweet and helpful and fun. It doesn't sound like that's the case for you. But I just want to weigh in here for the record to say it isn't always a bad idea. We love the arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your first priority is to your DH and your children. I know you love your mother, but her moving in with you (realistically for the rest of her life -- maybe 30-40 years given her age) will permanently impact the family life you create with your DH and school-aged children. Is that the vision you and your DH have/had for your family?

Maybe you and your siblings could pool your money together to help your mom with her monthly rent/living expenses. One of you should help her handle her finances -- make sure her rent, utilities, basic bills are paid, etc.

Also, for those of you living with toxic relatives -- I don't understand WHY you allow these toxic parents/grandparents to live with you. Seriously. I fully agree with "honoring my parents" but that does NOT mean you allow mean-spirited, abusive people to control your lives. Find another way to make sure that they have shelter, food, basic necessities, but there is no way they should be in your homes poisoning your lives on a daily basis.

OP here. That would be ideal, but it my mom doesn't want anyone handling her finances. Of course, she won't handle them herself either. What she wants is someone who will take care of her. I think she thought she would find a man to do this but that hasn't happened (and is obviously a terrible plan besides) My two youngest siblings are still building their lives and won't be in a position to contribute meaningfully for many years. The oldest brother might be, but he and SIL are smack in the middle of paying school loans and full daycare for 2, and buying into SIL's law firm, so they aren't in a much better position, in the short term at least, than I am. I really don't know what to tell my mom - maybe sell the condo, keep her job for as long as she can, but move in with HER mother (who has few assets and won't live another 2 years probably)?

My DH is quite open to my mom moving in. He comes from a country where this is more normal. He thinks I am being mean to my mom if I don't let her move in.

Perhaps your husband is sincere, but do not delude yourself. Allowing your mother to move into your home, with you family, particularly in light of all the things you have revealed here (bad money manager, squanders, looking to be taken care of, bad worker who phones it in, doesn't clean or cook, etc.) I cannot believe you expect this will go well for you, your family or your marriage. It is starting to sound to me like you are hellbent on doing this, so I'm not really sure why you came here. If you can't see what a bad idea this is and have the strength to not allow it to happen then you kinda deserve how this will turn out...and trust that it will turn out badly. Tell your mom to sell her condo and rent or move in with her mother. You make it sound as if it is your mother's decision about whether she moves in with you or not. Offering the invite is NOT her decision. It is yours.

+1000 And don't let her or your husband guilt you.

[Anonymous]

Wait, her mother (your grandmother) is still alive? There is your option B--send her to granny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your first priority is to your DH and your children. I know you love your mother, but her moving in with you (realistically for the rest of her life -- maybe 30-40 years given her age) will permanently impact the family life you create with your DH and school-aged children. Is that the vision you and your DH have/had for your family?

Maybe you and your siblings could pool your money together to help your mom with her monthly rent/living expenses. One of you should help her handle her finances -- make sure her rent, utilities, basic bills are paid, etc.

Also, for those of you living with toxic relatives -- I don't understand WHY you allow these toxic parents/grandparents to live with you. Seriously. I fully agree with "honoring my parents" but that does NOT mean you allow mean-spirited, abusive people to control your lives. Find another way to make sure that they have shelter, food, basic necessities, but there is no way they should be in your homes poisoning your lives on a daily basis.

OP here. That would be ideal, but it my mom doesn't want anyone handling her finances. Of course, she won't handle them herself either. What she wants is someone who will take care of her. I think she thought she would find a man to do this but that hasn't happened (and is obviously a terrible plan besides) My two youngest siblings are still building their lives and won't be in a position to contribute meaningfully for many years. The oldest brother might be, but he and SIL are smack in the middle of paying school loans and full daycare for 2, and buying into SIL's law firm, so they aren't in a much better position, in the short term at least, than I am. I really don't know what to tell my mom - maybe sell the condo, keep her job for as long as she can, but move in with HER mother (who has few assets and won't live another 2 years probably)?

My DH is quite open to my mom moving in. He comes from a country where this is more normal. He thinks I am being mean to my mom if I don't let her move in.

Tell your mom - You can not move in with us. It will not work for our family.

It won't be easy but you know it is best for you and your family. This is the crappy part of being a grown up.