Mom wants to quit her job, sell her house, and move in with us.

[Anonymous]

Do you also need to allow the college aged sister to live with you too then? And who pays for HER food and expenses if Mom doesn't have a job?

[Anonymous]

Really, really, really, bad idea.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it's highly unlikely that your mother will ever leave once she moves in. Don't let her unless/until you and your family (spouse and kids) are all completely on board with her living with you for good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced three years ago. When all was settled, dad's business liquidated, and house was sold, they each walked away with a little under 200k. My mom used maybe 30k as a down payment on the condo where she's been living. We don't really know about the rest, but we're pretty sure she gave quite a bit of it away to a "friend" and she outspends her income, so I'm not sure there's any money left. She won't talk about it.

Anyway, she's been having problems at work, and she is planning to sell the condo, quit her job, and move in with us. She plans to find a job when she arrives here (she lives in another city now) but her prospects aren't good and she was unsuccessful a few years ago when she first tried finding another job. She is a nurse, but has only an associate's and has been working as a school nurse (another state, where schools do have nurses) for the past 12 years.

She will receive a small pension from her old job but it is less than 1k and she needs health insurance.
Also part of the deal my parents made was that my college age sister would remain on my mom's health insurance, and my mom would provide my sister with a place to live during summers, etc. Mom pays nothing, and is not willing to contribute toward my sister's tuition, ever, and has said so. My dad paid it, even though he was pretty much unemployed for 2 years.

We are willing and able to provide room and board. She is willing to drop off and pick up our 2 kids from school, which will save us from having to pay SACC. I'm not even working now, but probably will be soon, and with a bad commute. DH's schedule and commute aren't so bad but sometimes he travels, so having backup would be great.

I'm really worried though, that my mom will quit her job, move in with us, not find a job, and never leave. She has offered us money toward a DP when we buy, but I don't want to take it because it comes with too many strings. On the other hand, we would be able to buy her out, and maybe this small amount of money would be safer that way, rather than being quickly burned through.

I am my mom's least favorite and least successful child (I have 3 siblings) and I find it odd that she expects I will want to take care of her for the rest of her life. Judging from family genetics, she will likely live well into her 80s and maybe 90s. My siblings will likely be in a position to be able to help out financially. I really just am not sure I want her living with us.

Is this just totally a bad idea? Should I tell her not to come? Even if it's officially a "trial period", what if we get to that end date and things are not working, and she has no job, no money...

OP-you have 3 siblings. How far away is your mom's city? has she always lived there? Do your siblings live there? Your post indicates you rent and she is willing to give you money towards a down payment and do your childcare [function as nanny/housekeeper that you can't fire]. Since you used the words buy her out I guess she would also be listed as an owner so she's not really giving you the money. Seems like you are anticipating a future buyout with money you don't have. Where would the sister live when not in college?

[Anonymous]

OP here. My mom is 59.

She hates housekeeping, and hates cooking, and is disorganized. She has many symptoms of ADHD. Although I do not always get along with her, we get along most of the time and she gets along with DH.

She really can't afford her lifestyle, or even her condo. I agree with her that she should sell her condo. The problem with her job is that frankly, she is likely to lose it within the next 1-2 years whether she wants to or not. She's basically on probation and is phoning it in every day.

Oldest sibling is me. Next lives in same city with mom, but I don't think SIL is on board with her moving in there, though they do have a lot more space than us.

We are renting right now and will move into a new rental this summer to be closer to work and school. If it were just us, we would move into a 2BR since we'll probably buy after a year, but with her we need 3.

My sister has figured out long ago that she will need to make alternate arrangements. She's working, and this summer she'll be staying in her college town, working and taking classes. Also, my dad has successfully relaunched his business and is now in a better position to help my sister if she needs it. I'm actually very impressed with my sister - I think she has this figured out and has risen to the challenge.

I know this is a bad idea. I feel bad though. My mom really wants to come.

[Anonymous]

Say it with me - Mom, this will not work for our family.

If you go down this road now, you have no one to blame but yourself. You know this will not end well. I get it - you want the fairy tale, the DCUM "my parents help us" so we can make it work fairy tale. Ain't gonna.happen.

I'm sorry. I get it.

Protect your own family at all costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced three years ago. When all was settled, dad's business liquidated, and house was sold, they each walked away with a little under 200k. My mom used maybe 30k as a down payment on the condo where she's been living. We don't really know about the rest, but we're pretty sure she gave quite a bit of it away to a "friend" and she outspends her income, so I'm not sure there's any money left. She won't talk about it.

Anyway, she's been having problems at work, and she is planning to sell the condo, quit her job, and move in with us. She plans to find a job when she arrives here (she lives in another city now) but her prospects aren't good and she was unsuccessful a few years ago when she first tried finding another job. She is a nurse, but has only an associate's and has been working as a school nurse (another state, where schools do have nurses) for the past 12 years.

She will receive a small pension from her old job but it is less than 1k and she needs health insurance.
Also part of the deal my parents made was that my college age sister would remain on my mom's health insurance, and my mom would provide my sister with a place to live during summers, etc. Mom pays nothing, and is not willing to contribute toward my sister's tuition, ever, and has said so. My dad paid it, even though he was pretty much unemployed for 2 years.

We are willing and able to provide room and board. She is willing to drop off and pick up our 2 kids from school, which will save us from having to pay SACC. I'm not even working now, but probably will be soon, and with a bad commute. DH's schedule and commute aren't so bad but sometimes he travels, so having backup would be great.

I'm really worried though, that my mom will quit her job, move in with us, not find a job, and never leave. She has offered us money toward a DP when we buy, but I don't want to take it because it comes with too many strings. On the other hand, we would be able to buy her out, and maybe this small amount of money would be safer that way, rather than being quickly burned through.

I am my mom's least favorite and least successful child (I have 3 siblings) and I find it odd that she expects I will want to take care of her for the rest of her life. Judging from family genetics, she will likely live well into her 80s and maybe 90s. My siblings will likely be in a position to be able to help out financially. I really just am not sure I want her living with us.

Is this just totally a bad idea? Should I tell her not to come? Even if it's officially a "trial period", what if we get to that end date and things are not working, and she has no job, no money...

Sorry OP, I wanted to like and offer support, but once you decided to insult RN's with ONLY an ADN, you lost me. I make far more with my ADN than my BS degreed police officer husband makes. So suck it OP

[Anonymous]

OP, based on your first post and your follow up, there is no universe where this is a good idea. She should sell her condo. She should NOT move in with you.

I know you feel bad, but you have to tell her no. You tell her, we don't have the space right now, we won't have the space for a couple years at the very least.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, I wanted to like and offer support, but once you decided to insult RN's with ONLY an ADN, you lost me. I make far more with my ADN than my BS degreed police officer husband makes. So suck it OP

Wait, you are offended so the OP needs to have her mom move in? How about you offer to let the mom live with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced three years ago. When all was settled, dad's business liquidated, and house was sold, they each walked away with a little under 200k. My mom used maybe 30k as a down payment on the condo where she's been living. We don't really know about the rest, but we're pretty sure she gave quite a bit of it away to a "friend" and she outspends her income, so I'm not sure there's any money left. She won't talk about it.

Anyway, she's been having problems at work, and she is planning to sell the condo, quit her job, and move in with us. She plans to find a job when she arrives here (she lives in another city now) but her prospects aren't good and she was unsuccessful a few years ago when she first tried finding another job. She is a nurse, but has only an associate's and has been working as a school nurse (another state, where schools do have nurses) for the past 12 years.

She will receive a small pension from her old job but it is less than 1k and she needs health insurance.
Also part of the deal my parents made was that my college age sister would remain on my mom's health insurance, and my mom would provide my sister with a place to live during summers, etc. Mom pays nothing, and is not willing to contribute toward my sister's tuition, ever, and has said so. My dad paid it, even though he was pretty much unemployed for 2 years.

We are willing and able to provide room and board. She is willing to drop off and pick up our 2 kids from school, which will save us from having to pay SACC. I'm not even working now, but probably will be soon, and with a bad commute. DH's schedule and commute aren't so bad but sometimes he travels, so having backup would be great.

I'm really worried though, that my mom will quit her job, move in with us, not find a job, and never leave. She has offered us money toward a DP when we buy, but I don't want to take it because it comes with too many strings. On the other hand, we would be able to buy her out, and maybe this small amount of money would be safer that way, rather than being quickly burned through.

I am my mom's least favorite and least successful child (I have 3 siblings) and I find it odd that she expects I will want to take care of her for the rest of her life. Judging from family genetics, she will likely live well into her 80s and maybe 90s. My siblings will likely be in a position to be able to help out financially. I really just am not sure I want her living with us.

Is this just totally a bad idea? Should I tell her not to come? Even if it's officially a "trial period", what if we get to that end date and things are not working, and she has no job, no money...

Sorry OP, I wanted to like and offer support, but once you decided to insult RN's with ONLY an ADN, you lost me. I make far more with my ADN than my BS degreed police officer husband makes. So suck it OP

Well, you are taking that completely the wrong way. You sound extremely defensive. you lost me at "suck it."

It is a FACT that an older ADN with little clinical experience is not going to command a great salary. You likely made better choices than my mom. My mom thought working at a hospital was too hard, so she quit that after only a year and took a lower paying job at a Dr's office. She thought that was too hard, so she got a school nurse job. If my mom had stuck it out at the hospital, she would have done much better.

[Anonymous]

^ And I am happy to hear that you are doing so well with your ADN. Things are competitive around here, and from what I've been able to learn, it is easier to get hired with a bachelor's. I don't necessarily agree with that system, but unfortunately that's how many hiring decisions are made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say it with me - Mom, this will not work for our family.

If you go down this road now, you have no one to blame but yourself. You know this will not end well. I get it - you want the fairy tale, the DCUM "my parents help us" so we can make it work fairy tale. Ain't gonna.happen.

I'm sorry. I get it.

Protect your own family at all costs.

+ 1 million. I don't see how this will turn out well for you and your family given your mother's track record on finances and decision making.

[Anonymous]

Between this thread and several others about teenaged and adult children and their often strained relationships with their mothers, I must say I am so disheartened at what lies ahead in this culture as I "age out" as a mother. There is no respect, no kindness, just avoidance and blame. Aren't you all mothers? Aren't we all doing the best we can do, and can't we realize that, for the most part, our mothers did, too?

I know that everyone's life and circumstances are different, but I would have loved it if my mother had been able to move in with us. Instead she died way too young of an awful and aggressive cancer. I'm still reeling from that loss, and now with a 14yo DD I am beginning to experience the pain of losing her too as she develops her own identity. All of this is natural; babies are born, kids grow up, and parents die--I get that. But why do mothers get such a bad rap?

[Anonymous]

OP: My friends mom did this. She was just so sad about my friends fathers death (mothers DH) So she moved in with her DD. That was in 1997. mom is still going strong, demanding, the center of attention, never planning to leave, in perfect health, meanwhile my friend and her DH are going crazy. It is sad to see how my friend has withered up and gotten ill with the non stop strain of this mother of hers. The mom never stops talking ....!! for one thing. So, I would say, no, this will not work.
You mother has not made good decisions and she will be with you and demanding of you until ...

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it is not a good idea.

Financially, I would expect her to not maintain employment or even get a job once she moves. I would guess she would just want to sit at home all day or do her own thing and be filled with excuses. Sounds like she will be a burden for you financially and with an extra person to clean and cook for. I would also worry that she starts to battle you on the childcare afte awhile.

Also, think about daily living with her. Sharing a shower, would she leave dirty dishes around, insisting on watching her shows, etc. Would you and your DH end up fighting more? Would you be resentful of your mother? And after a few years of realizing it is not working would you feel comfortable kicking your unrmployed mother out of the house?

I know I sound really negative about it but from your description I just can not see it working. I think having a less than ideal relationship with her to start with will only accelerate the downward spiral.

I think you should say no for your sanity, finances and your marriage.