Houseguest mentality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're my guest I pay for everything. I appreciate it if offered help but not expecting any help. I would never agree to any long term stay unless I was prepared to fund it.

Just my opinion.

We're prepared to provide 100% for our guests (up to a point) but realize that they may prefer to have bagels/poptarts/fruit/yogurt in the morning instead of the bacon & eggs that we're cooking or the cereal bars that we're eating. It's fine if they want to pick some items up for themselves to eat when they want to eat them. Of course they are welcomed to the food in our pantry/fridge but sometimes what we have on hand does not appeal to them. That's o.k., get what you like.

I just get the things they want want to have on hand when they arrive.

We have different stores and they don't always stock their brands of usual foods. So having on hand what they like and are used to isn't always possible (we learned this when we moved to our new area) and they may actually enjoy seeing the different options available at our stores. Plus making a quick run to the grocery store makes it easy for them to contribute a little something w/o adding up to $$$...

I would go to the fourth store before the come and have it on hand when they arrive, they can go with you with it runs out of need be. If you are already going to three stores for yourself, it isn't too much to go to a fourth one . If hosting parents is that big of a burden on your budget, there are other less passive aggressive ways to get there.

Passive aggressive? Really?? I guess I'm lucky that my own relatives would never expect (or want) me to search 4 different stores for a particular brand of bread or whatever. Nor would they want to have to go to 4 different stores to restock items when things ran out. Not everything has to be an enormous pain, lol. One group store run - you should try it.

Now you are being over dramatic. You already posted that you normally go to three stores for your own stuff, one more isn't a huge burden. "Restocking" is a normal part of life. Really, step back and breathe. From what you have posted, For whatever reason, your ILs rub you the wrong way as a result, everything you have to do for them becomes a huge deal because you don't want them there in the first place. IME, people like going to extra mile for people they love. This isn't about buying someone's special bread, there is something else driving it. Get a therapist, figure it out and draw your boundaries.

No. I never said that I normally go to three different stores. I was responding to the poster who said that they did that and that going to a 4th was no big deal for them.

Also, what happens if you search high and low for MIL's favorite oatmeal but can't find it. You have everything else on hand that everyone else wants, just not that oatmeal for MIL. Does that mean that you have a HUGE issue with MIL? Should she start wondering what she did to offend to you? Or does it mean that your danged store(s) doesn't carry her danged oatmeal? Some things just really are not and should never be that complicated. Just take MIL to the store and let her pick out something else - so easy.

[Anonymous]

If you have three small kids, the rule should be that any adult in the house for more than 3 days is either helping or leaving (or over 80-- they get a pass). You already have three people to care for. Yes you can include them in your grocery runs, but they need to contribute to childcare, cleaning, cooking. You aren't the caterer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have three small kids, the rule should be that any adult in the house for more than 3 days is either helping or leaving (or over 80-- they get a pass). You already have three people to care for. Yes you can include them in your grocery runs, but they need to contribute to childcare, cleaning, cooking. You aren't the caterer.

WTF??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have three small kids, the rule should be that any adult in the house for more than 3 days is either helping or leaving (or over 80-- they get a pass). You already have three people to care for. Yes you can include them in your grocery runs, but they need to contribute to childcare, cleaning, cooking. You aren't the caterer.

WTF??

I sort of agree. Able bodied guests staying beyond a day or two are usually willing to pitch in and help out (at least when I've been in that situation). I'm not talking about doing deep cleaning in the bathrooms but loading/unloading the dishwasher, clearing the table, etc.

This idea that hosts should do ALL of the work, provide all the food/entertainment while their multi day, able bodied guests all sit back and not offer to lift a finger is foreign to me. Not the way I was raised..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have three small kids, the rule should be that any adult in the house for more than 3 days is either helping or leaving (or over 80-- they get a pass). You already have three people to care for. Yes you can include them in your grocery runs, but they need to contribute to childcare, cleaning, cooking. You aren't the caterer.

WTF??

I sort of agree. Able bodied guests staying beyond a day or two are usually willing to pitch in and help out (at least when I've been in that situation). I'm not talking about doing deep cleaning in the bathrooms but loading/unloading the dishwasher, clearing the table, etc.

This idea that hosts should do ALL of the work, provide all the food/entertainment while their multi day, able bodied guests all sit back and not offer to lift a finger is foreign to me. Not the way I was raised..

While that is generally the way things happen, the way pp put it was entitled and snotty.
I see my parents and in laws as family. Do they generally clean up after tbemsves, cook a meal here and there or watch the kids, yes.
But am I waiting with baited breath to jump in the chance to give them a duty to earn their keep ?
Were they doing that when they fed and clothed us when we were kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have three small kids, the rule should be that any adult in the house for more than 3 days is either helping or leaving (or over 80-- they get a pass). You already have three people to care for. Yes you can include them in your grocery runs, but they need to contribute to childcare, cleaning, cooking. You aren't the caterer.

WTF??

I sort of agree. Able bodied guests staying beyond a day or two are usually willing to pitch in and help out (at least when I've been in that situation). I'm not talking about doing deep cleaning in the bathrooms but loading/unloading the dishwasher, clearing the table, etc.

This idea that hosts should do ALL of the work, provide all the food/entertainment while their multi day, able bodied guests all sit back and not offer to lift a finger is foreign to me. Not the way I was raised..

While that is generally the way things happen, the way pp put it was entitled and snotty.
I see my parents and in laws as family. Do they generally clean up after tbemsves, cook a meal here and there or watch the kids, yes.
But am I waiting with baited breath to jump in the chance to give them a duty to earn their keep ?
Were they doing that when they fed and clothed us when we were kids?

I think pp's point was that her hands are already full taking care of 3 little guests. If able bodied adult guests wish to stay in her house beyond 2 or 3 days they can expect to help out. I don't think that's entitled at all. It's basic common courtesy. It isn't right to treat a young mother like the nanny, cook, housekeeper while you sit back and don't lift a finger. I agree that very few guests would do that so usually not an issue but if you are on DCUM long enough you see that some folks get the house guests from he** who think their only job is to grace their hosts with their presence.

[Anonymous]

^3 little kids (not guests)

[Anonymous]

Boo Hoo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boo Hoo

HGFH is that you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boo Hoo

HGFH is that you?

Yep
BOO!
I peed on your sheets and ate all of your potato chips
And I locked your bratty ass kids out in the backyard
And I'm here to stay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boo Hoo

HGFH is that you?

Yep
BOO!
I peed on your sheets and ate all of your potato chips
And I locked your bratty ass kids out in the backyard
And I'm here to stay!

Aaaahhhh!!!! Nooooo!!!! Run!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

OP, if you enjoy some people less, make your invitations to them shorter - maybe much shorter.

You are in control here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you enjoy some people less, make your invitations to them shorter - maybe much shorter.

You are in control here.

Maybe offer 2 or 3 days at your house and then suggest a stay at a nice hotel (preferably resort area) close by. Maybe they could spend 2 or 3 nights in the city and catch a show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
That would never fly in my house. If my parents (or ILs) don't contribute by at least being gracious and cleaning up after themselves, then they don't get re-invited and I will make sure they do not come again. It has never happened - both sets of parents are polite, well brought up people. They are caucasian and asian, so it's not a culture thing either.

A charming and gracious hostess would not be a how one would describe you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never expect my parents or in-laws to pay for a meal and would not allow them to buy groceries.

+ 1. We often fight for the check with either parents or ILs but have other family members who never offer to pay when visiting and that's fine. They are guests, I expect to pick up all the tabs.

As to keeping track as to who thanks who when - that's bizarre. We show we are glad to have them, they show they are glad to be here, and that's about it. What's next, having your own parents do thank you notes?