Houseguest mentality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never expect my parents or in-laws to pay for a meal and would not allow them to buy groceries.

+ 1. We often fight for the check with either parents or ILs but have other family members who never offer to pay when visiting and that's fine. They are guests, I expect to pick up all the tabs.

As to keeping track as to who thanks who when - that's bizarre. We show we are glad to have them, they show they are glad to be here, and that's about it. What's next, having your own parents do thank you notes?

I'm surprised that so many people are bothered by the idea of taking guests to the grocery store. I know that if we stay longer than a couple of days we always make a trip to the store to pick up items that we want (we actually prefer to do it that way rather than give the host a long list of items that may/may not be available at their store). We also cook dinner at least one night and pay for dinner out one night and order in one night. So it doesn't seem weird to us when our guests do the same sort of thing for us.

[Anonymous]

I am going to venture a guess. Your husband's parents are Indians or from else where in Asia.

I am from Europe. I would not expect anyone to pay my grocery bill ever. However, I work 10 hour days and sometimes weekends. After first 3 days, you're no longer in a guest capacity in my house, you're family. So I would expect them not to expect me to cook multiple dishes for multiple meals but instead to feed themselves from that fully stocked fridge and if it's not feasible - order in and pay for it. If DH doesn't like this system he is welcome to stand over the stove 2-3 hours a day to feed the inlaws to their satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

My family was the type to fight over who would pay for the check. There was always plenty of food. When I visit relatives, I pay for groceries, gas in the car, and we split restaurant checks and hotel if we take a road trip. The car use is mileage on their car, where I would have had to pay for a rental. I feel it is fair as a houseguest. And I usually treat and pick up the check for one expensive restaurant meal out.

My sister's in-laws, the father died and left the mom to care for a very large family. They fight over who takes the last piece of pie. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family was the type to fight over who would pay for the check. There was always plenty of food. When I visit relatives, I pay for groceries, gas in the car, and we split restaurant checks and hotel if we take a road trip. The car use is mileage on their car, where I would have had to pay for a rental. I feel it is fair as a houseguest. And I usually treat and pick up the check for one expensive restaurant meal out.

My sister's in-laws, the father died and left the mom to care for a very large family. They fight over who takes the last piece of pie. Seriously.

And by fighting over who pays for the check, I meant we each wanted to pay for the check.

[Anonymous]

In my family and with the ILs, both parties say thank you and both parties are busy trying to serve the other. My parents help out with dishes, cooking, and childcare. My ILs help with cooking and entertaining the kids while I do stuff around the house.

[Anonymous]

The "takers" should not be invited to stay for much longer than weekend. The "givers" can stay as long as you feel comfortable with.

Either way, 25 days is WAY too long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have three small kids, the rule should be that any adult in the house for more than 3 days is either helping or leaving (or over 80-- they get a pass). You already have three people to care for. Yes you can include them in your grocery runs, but they need to contribute to childcare, cleaning, cooking. You aren't the caterer.

WTF??

I sort of agree. Able bodied guests staying beyond a day or two are usually willing to pitch in and help out (at least when I've been in that situation). I'm not talking about doing deep cleaning in the bathrooms but loading/unloading the dishwasher, clearing the table, etc.

This idea that hosts should do ALL of the work, provide all the food/entertainment while their multi day, able bodied guests all sit back and not offer to lift a finger is foreign to me. Not the way I was raised..

While that is generally the way things happen, the way pp put it was entitled and snotty.
I see my parents and in laws as family. Do they generally clean up after tbemsves, cook a meal here and there or watch the kids, yes.
But am I waiting with baited breath to jump in the chance to give them a duty to earn their keep ?
Were they doing that when they fed and clothed us when we were kids?

Don't confuse raising your own children with older, healthy parents or in laws vacationing in your house.
Maybe the more apropos question is how do you (or OP) intend to treat your own kids once they are adults, married, work full time, and have a young family?
Are you going to sit back and say "oh remember when I fed and clothed you for 18 years, well...."

[Anonymous]

I kick mine out after 2 days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have three small kids, the rule should be that any adult in the house for more than 3 days is either helping or leaving (or over 80-- they get a pass). You already have three people to care for. Yes you can include them in your grocery runs, but they need to contribute to childcare, cleaning, cooking. You aren't the caterer.

This. It is such bad advice to tell folks that they have to be doormats when they encounter rude guests. Yes, parents and family members can be rude. Many are trainable. If you set some expectations for how things are going to go, many will adjust and learn to be polite guests at least in your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have three small kids, the rule should be that any adult in the house for more than 3 days is either helping or leaving (or over 80-- they get a pass). You already have three people to care for. Yes you can include them in your grocery runs, but they need to contribute to childcare, cleaning, cooking. You aren't the caterer.

This. It is such bad advice to tell folks that they have to be doormats when they encounter rude guests. Yes, parents and family members can be rude. Many are trainable. If you set some expectations for how things are going to go, many will adjust and learn to be polite guests at least in your home.

It's fine not to want to cater to people, but since when does being a houseguest obligate you to provide childcare? You should clean up after yourself, but no guest in my house is going to be running a vacuum cleaner or scrubbing toilets! If you can't be a gracious host, then don't host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
That would never fly in my house. If my parents (or ILs) don't contribute by at least being gracious and cleaning up after themselves, then they don't get re-invited and I will make sure they do not come again. It has never happened - both sets of parents are polite, well brought up people. They are caucasian and asian, so it's not a culture thing either.

A charming and gracious hostess would not be a how one would describe you.

PP you are off your rocker. Being a gracious hostess does not include being a doormat to rude behavior. Even Ms. Manners wouldn't suggest op put up with the boorish behavior of the house guests.

[Anonymous]

I thought it was basic etiquette that guests take the hosts out for at least one meal. The host is not expected to be responsible for ALL the guests needs.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine coming home at 5-6pm, feeding the kids their various things and then turning around and cooking a meal for four adults. Maybe for one week but after that you are in serious roommate territory.

I can't imagine expecting that from someone else either. That'd be my rub, the golden rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have three small kids, the rule should be that any adult in the house for more than 3 days is either helping or leaving (or over 80-- they get a pass). You already have three people to care for. Yes you can include them in your grocery runs, but they need to contribute to childcare, cleaning, cooking. You aren't the caterer.

This. It is such bad advice to tell folks that they have to be doormats when they encounter rude guests. Yes, parents and family members can be rude. Many are trainable. If you set some expectations for how things are going to go, many will adjust and learn to be polite guests at least in your home.

It's fine not to want to cater to people, but since when does being a houseguest obligate you to provide childcare? You should clean up after yourself, but no guest in my house is going to be running a vacuum cleaner or scrubbing toilets! If you can't be a gracious host, then don't host.

If you go to a house that has little kids you can expect to interact with the kids. You can't expect the host to keep the kids away from you and out of your hair 24/7 while simultaneously cooking your dinner. Help out a little.

And if you want to be a real sweetheart, offer to watch the kids one evening while your hosts get a rare night out just the two of them.