Houseguest mentality

[Anonymous]

I'm often the host and believe my job is to host, within reason. That means a comfortable, clean room, use of a car if I have an extra and meals. I generally tell my guests in advance what we do for meals and say, "if you'd like anything special, let me know" and point them in the direction of a grocery store when they arrive. What I expect in return is picking up after themselves, spending time with my kids and cleaning their room when they leave. It's a bonus if I get a hostess gift or dinner one night.

[Anonymous]

Op here, thanks.
When we visit it is much shorter times, one week max if winter break and we do a variety of things and have people to visit/ stay in the city with, etc. Otherwise it's a long weekend, one side everyone fights to pay each bill, the other side it's crickets until we say something or pay.

The houseguest differences arise bc one set of parents is generally busy and only likes to stay 3-5 days, the other set is more old school and only does trips visiting and staying with people for 2-4 weeks. They don't like vacations to places and don't even attend weddings if they can't stay at someone's house.

Both sets have money and must fly to get here.

Anyhow, now that we have three kids to manage, budget for, and maintain a house for, the houseguest situation may change. We both work full time too and don't have unlimited vacation if someone wants to stay in our house a few weeks twice a year.

I really wish we could all just go in a beach trip together and enjoy ourselves. Not have this roomate situation where we're both at work, kids are at preschool or with nanny and the parents are at the house by themselves all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are all usually sad when they leave
not concerned about who did not change the sheets or bought their own cherrios.

That's great but when our family guests leave it takes 2 weeks to replenish everything that was depleted. Then another two weeks to discover other things depleted and replenish again. They def have a Mi casa es su casa approach!

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing they are not your parents. Either ask them to stay in a nearby hotel or not to come at all. I have moocher relatives who used to invite themselves and then expected to be waited on hand and foot. I know how annoying it can be but parents are not just relatives. Would never even complain about parents. Never.

[Anonymous]

My Dad hats to impose on us so much that he brings his own teabags when he visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The poster saying both sets of guests deserve respect is absolutely right. Sure there are guest manners but there are also host manners. Your job as host is to be gracious and accommodating. Their job is to not take advantage of your hospitality. Just because one set has a different expectation of what's normal does not absolve you of your duties to your guests. I would never expect a guest to pay for my meals although I would be gracious enough to accept such a considerate offer if it were forced on me.

For 25 days!?!?!?

My Mom;s rule was you get to be a guest for three days, then you are family and family helps out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're my guest I pay for everything. I appreciate it if offered help but not expecting any help. I would never agree to any long term stay unless I was prepared to fund it.

Just my opinion.

We're prepared to provide 100% for our guests (up to a point) but realize that they may prefer to have bagels/poptarts/fruit/yogurt in the morning instead of the bacon & eggs that we're cooking or the cereal bars that we're eating. It's fine if they want to pick some items up for themselves to eat when they want to eat them. Of course they are welcomed to the food in our pantry/fridge but sometimes what we have on hand does not appeal to them. That's o.k., get what you like.

I just get the things they want want to have on hand when they arrive.

We have different stores and they don't always stock their brands of usual foods. So having on hand what they like and are used to isn't always possible (we learned this when we moved to our new area) and they may actually enjoy seeing the different options available at our stores. Plus making a quick run to the grocery store makes it easy for them to contribute a little something w/o adding up to $$$...

I would go to the fourth store before the come and have it on hand when they arrive, they can go with you with it runs out of need be. If you are already going to three stores for yourself, it isn't too much to go to a fourth one . If hosting parents is that big of a burden on your budget, there are other less passive aggressive ways to get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, thanks.
When we visit it is much shorter times, one week max if winter break and we do a variety of things and have people to visit/ stay in the city with, etc. Otherwise it's a long weekend, one side everyone fights to pay each bill, the other side it's crickets until we say something or pay.

The houseguest differences arise bc one set of parents is generally busy and only likes to stay 3-5 days, the other set is more old school and only does trips visiting and staying with people for 2-4 weeks. They don't like vacations to places and don't even attend weddings if they can't stay at someone's house.

Both sets have money and must fly to get here.

Anyhow, now that we have three kids to manage, budget for, and maintain a house for, the houseguest situation may change. We both work full time too and don't have unlimited vacation if someone wants to stay in our house a few weeks twice a year.

I really wish we could all just go in a beach trip together and enjoy ourselves. Not have this roomate situation where we're both at work, kids are at preschool or with nanny and the parents are at the house by themselves all day.

Let me guess which set is yours and which set is your Ils.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dad hats to impose on us so much that he brings his own teabags when he visits.

Oh that is so sweet!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, thanks.
When we visit it is much shorter times, one week max if winter break and we do a variety of things and have people to visit/ stay in the city with, etc. Otherwise it's a long weekend, one side everyone fights to pay each bill, the other side it's crickets until we say something or pay.

The houseguest differences arise bc one set of parents is generally busy and only likes to stay 3-5 days, the other set is more old school and only does trips visiting and staying with people for 2-4 weeks. They don't like vacations to places and don't even attend weddings if they can't stay at someone's house.

Both sets have money and must fly to get here.

Anyhow, now that we have three kids to manage, budget for, and maintain a house for, the houseguest situation may change. We both work full time too and don't have unlimited vacation if someone wants to stay in our house a few weeks twice a year.

I really wish we could all just go in a beach trip together and enjoy ourselves. Not have this roomate situation where we're both at work, kids are at preschool or with nanny and the parents are at the house by themselves all day.

We are in similar situation. This is how I handled the last visit. Family called and asked to visit. I explained that we'd love to see them, but feel bad because we are working and have kids sports and can't host properly. If you are comfortable doing your own thing during the day and joining us at sports, please come. We can give you a car and a list of things to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize this is frustrating, and some people are much better about expressing gratitude, but presumably even the "deadbeat" parents fed and housed one of you for 18 years or more, sat up with you when you were sick, drove you to activity after activity,may have helped support you in college, and on and on. I think we need to give our parents and in-laws more of a break.

For example, I would never expect visiting parents on either side to pay for groceries or meals out. They've made the effort to come to us--which gets much greater as they get older--and whatever we do for them when they visit is a drop in the bucket compared to all they have done for us.

It's great that one set of parents is so lovely to you, but please don't treat the other set any worse because they don't measure up.

+1 . Thank you. I feel the same. What we do is a drop in the bucket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're my guest I pay for everything. I appreciate it if offered help but not expecting any help. I would never agree to any long term stay unless I was prepared to fund it.

Just my opinion.

We're prepared to provide 100% for our guests (up to a point) but realize that they may prefer to have bagels/poptarts/fruit/yogurt in the morning instead of the bacon & eggs that we're cooking or the cereal bars that we're eating. It's fine if they want to pick some items up for themselves to eat when they want to eat them. Of course they are welcomed to the food in our pantry/fridge but sometimes what we have on hand does not appeal to them. That's o.k., get what you like.

I just get the things they want want to have on hand when they arrive.

We have different stores and they don't always stock their brands of usual foods. So having on hand what they like and are used to isn't always possible (we learned this when we moved to our new area) and they may actually enjoy seeing the different options available at our stores. Plus making a quick run to the grocery store makes it easy for them to contribute a little something w/o adding up to $$$...

I would go to the fourth store before the come and have it on hand when they arrive, they can go with you with it runs out of need be. If you are already going to three stores for yourself, it isn't too much to go to a fourth one . If hosting parents is that big of a burden on your budget, there are other less passive aggressive ways to get there.

Passive aggressive? Really?? I guess I'm lucky that my own relatives would never expect (or want) me to search 4 different stores for a particular brand of bread or whatever. Nor would they want to have to go to 4 different stores to restock items when things ran out. Not everything has to be an enormous pain, lol. One group store run - you should try it.

[Anonymous]

With my ILs, I used to fall over backwards trying to please them. I would take note of everything they complained about not having in our house on their previous visit - mostly foods we simply don't eat and wouldn't think to stock, ranging from cottage cheese to Fritos. Then before their visit I would call and ask if there was anything they wanted me to pick up at the store. They would always say, "Oh nothing, whatever you have is fine."

I would pick up all the things that received complaints at the last visit. They arrive and of course, their dietary preferences have changed drastically between visits and they no longer eat cottage cheese and Fritos and are on a low fat diet and complain that I don't have some specific Kashi cereal on hand. Out I run to get that and whatever else they now need. Next visit, I buy the Kashi and everything else, repeat - now they don't eat Kashi.

At this point I have given up. They can now eat whatever I have or starve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're my guest I pay for everything. I appreciate it if offered help but not expecting any help. I would never agree to any long term stay unless I was prepared to fund it.

Just my opinion.

We're prepared to provide 100% for our guests (up to a point) but realize that they may prefer to have bagels/poptarts/fruit/yogurt in the morning instead of the bacon & eggs that we're cooking or the cereal bars that we're eating. It's fine if they want to pick some items up for themselves to eat when they want to eat them. Of course they are welcomed to the food in our pantry/fridge but sometimes what we have on hand does not appeal to them. That's o.k., get what you like.

I just get the things they want want to have on hand when they arrive.

We have different stores and they don't always stock their brands of usual foods. So having on hand what they like and are used to isn't always possible (we learned this when we moved to our new area) and they may actually enjoy seeing the different options available at our stores. Plus making a quick run to the grocery store makes it easy for them to contribute a little something w/o adding up to $$$...

I would go to the fourth store before the come and have it on hand when they arrive, they can go with you with it runs out of need be. If you are already going to three stores for yourself, it isn't too much to go to a fourth one . If hosting parents is that big of a burden on your budget, there are other less passive aggressive ways to get there.

Passive aggressive? Really?? I guess I'm lucky that my own relatives would never expect (or want) me to search 4 different stores for a particular brand of bread or whatever. Nor would they want to have to go to 4 different stores to restock items when things ran out. Not everything has to be an enormous pain, lol. One group store run - you should try it.

Now you are being over dramatic. You already posted that you normally go to three stores for your own stuff, one more isn't a huge burden. "Restocking" is a normal part of life. Really, step back and breathe. From what you have posted, For whatever reason, your ILs rub you the wrong way as a result, everything you have to do for them becomes a huge deal because you don't want them there in the first place. IME, people like going to extra mile for people they love. This isn't about buying someone's special bread, there is something else driving it. Get a therapist, figure it out and draw your boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're my guest I pay for everything. I appreciate it if offered help but not expecting any help. I would never agree to any long term stay unless I was prepared to fund it.

Just my opinion.

We're prepared to provide 100% for our guests (up to a point) but realize that they may prefer to have bagels/poptarts/fruit/yogurt in the morning instead of the bacon & eggs that we're cooking or the cereal bars that we're eating. It's fine if they want to pick some items up for themselves to eat when they want to eat them. Of course they are welcomed to the food in our pantry/fridge but sometimes what we have on hand does not appeal to them. That's o.k., get what you like.

I just get the things they want want to have on hand when they arrive.

We have different stores and they don't always stock their brands of usual foods. So having on hand what they like and are used to isn't always possible (we learned this when we moved to our new area) and they may actually enjoy seeing the different options available at our stores. Plus making a quick run to the grocery store makes it easy for them to contribute a little something w/o adding up to $$$...

I would go to the fourth store before the come and have it on hand when they arrive, they can go with you with it runs out of need be. If you are already going to three stores for yourself, it isn't too much to go to a fourth one . If hosting parents is that big of a burden on your budget, there are other less passive aggressive ways to get there.

Passive aggressive? Really?? I guess I'm lucky that my own relatives would never expect (or want) me to search 4 different stores for a particular brand of bread or whatever. Nor would they want to have to go to 4 different stores to restock items when things ran out. Not everything has to be an enormous pain, lol. One group store run - you should try it.

Now you are being over dramatic. You already posted that you normally go to three stores for your own stuff, one more isn't a huge burden. "Restocking" is a normal part of life. Really, step back and breathe. From what you have posted, For whatever reason, your ILs rub you the wrong way as a result, everything you have to do for them becomes a huge deal because you don't want them there in the first place. IME, people like going to extra mile for people they love. This isn't about buying someone's special bread, there is something else driving it. Get a therapist, figure it out and draw your boundaries.

No. I never said that I normally go to three different stores. I was responding to the poster who said that they did that and that going to a 4th was no big deal for them.