Why is separation/divorce so awful? I am a wreck and don't know where to turn...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not equal or fair. Men get divorced and upgrade. Most women get divorced and are alone.

So true. Unless there is abuse or another equally compelling issue, do yourself and huge favor and stop contemplating divorce, because you are "not in love anymore"

And why is being alone so tragic and horrible?

[Anonymous]

Women get divorced and are alone? All the women on her talk about all the men they meet.

[Anonymous]

Sending you a big hug. I have heard from friends going through this that it will get easier and better! Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not equal or fair. Men get divorced and upgrade. Most women get divorced and are alone.

Women are often too quick to initiate divorces (and they initiate the majority of them). The grass is always greener.

OP, I feel for you, but I agree with the pp.
I might have to bite the bullet and stick with it. Because what I would get would be inferior to what he would. Plus the kids...
BTW, the new woman will eventually hate your son's presence. He is in for a surprise.
If you can't get divorced by age 35, it is unlikely you will get an upgrade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Women are often too quick to initiate divorces (and they initiate the majority of them). The grass is always greener.

I seriously believe that women contemplating divorce do so because being single seems preferable to staying in a bad marriage. But then the husband goes right out and finds someone new, triggering a power-struggle or need-to-compete. It would be more healthy if the wife who initiated sticks to her original plan of enjoying being single and free. But I know from personal experience how hard that is when the ditched husband is lording his new life/wife over her, and competing for the kids' affection too. An awful, awful dynamic. So difficult to get past.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, PP. As someone in the throes of trying to get out of a marriage with a verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholic, I am so glad I know what I have to look forward to! I won't have to worry about competing for the kids completely, though, since he is well on the way to make the younger one suicidal with his constant abuse. Yet the lawyers tell me because it is only emotional and verbal abuse I don't have enough grounds to oppose 50/50 custody. I am really psyched to read about how this will just keep getting better from here.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, 23:28. My STBX is also verbally abusive (not alcoholic but still) and wish I had left much sooner. I'm in the worst part, recent separation, no signed agreement yet, and feeling very alone. But in terms of 50/50 custody, my STBX is on his best behavior with the kid - much nicer to him than when he was here, so that's one advantage of the subtle competition for the kid's affection.

[Anonymous]

OP. Your exes girlfriend knows he is a jerk. She just tells herself otherwise. She also is taking on a second hand man and I bet she would have preferred a fresh one without baggage. She probably envies you and her friends who got to be the first. That said, women like her see the flaws in these men but partly because of desperation and partly because of practicality, they can look past that. Women have been forced to look past imperfections for a long time. Just remember that half of your friends who appear to be happily married are doing what his girlfriend does, just pretending to be in love...
I dated divorced men in the past and in ALL cases I soon hated them. I eventually saw the a** in them. They all had something nasty to say about the ex and saw no personal shortcomings. The one that got me was the one who forced his wife to abort a pregnancy because he was not quite ready to have a child. That procedure caused infertility. She got depressed, he dumped her then went after younger fertile women!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it is a horrible experience. People don't get it until they go through it.

+1 I'm a divorced (and re-married, and yes, an "upgrade" in many ways) husband. I was the one who initiated the divorce and I was the one who wanted out, and it still left me completely spinning and hammered for a while.

What was not clear to me from the OP is: who initiated the divorce? Even if you knew it was coming for years, getting dumped always sucks, and seeing your ex appear to move on quickly to newer and better is still hard. Doesn't matter if you have kids and a marriage - getting dumped sucks. If you are the one who initiated ending it, then seeing someone move on quicker when you are the dumper is even worse!

It's very hard to avoid having these feelings, because we (quite sanely and reasonably) have our feelings of adequacy and self-worth tied up in the success of our relationships. My ex-wife didn't move on, and was bitter and unhappy for a number of years. I had a later GF who I dumped (we'd been talking about marriage) because she was abusive (stemming from mental issues). I felt like a complete walking relationship disaster (like shit) because even though I left, I was the common denominator. When I found out the abusive ex had moved on within weeks, to what ultimately became an apparently successful relationship (marriage & kid), I felt like a real turd and it made me doubt myself again (was I the crazy one?).

But here's the thing you know deep down inside OP: nobody knows what goes on in other people's marriages/relationships. My first marriage had been a dead farce for almost ten years, and yet people who'd known us throughout were shocked when we split up and thought we were the perfect dream couple. I feel bad for the guy roped in by my abusive ex; I really don't know what goes on in their marriage, maybe they are just better for each other, or maybe he's quietly trapped and miserable, sticking around to protect the kid. Honestly, I hope it's the former.

Give yourself some time, and give yourself some credit for being a good human being and a nice person...however the game looks right now, karma comes around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not equal or fair. Men get divorced and upgrade. Most women get divorced and are alone.

Women are often too quick to initiate divorces (and they initiate the majority of them). The grass is always greener.

Women initiate them because guys would let the horribleness go on after they've moved on with someone else, but didn't bother to clean up their mess of a life first. I'm projecting, but that's how it is happening for me. I'd still be married, but essentially alone if I let it go on.

Separation, divorce sucks. Sucks the joy out of life. I hope it gets better for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, many many thanks to you all, much wisdom here. I think it boils down to feeling not strong, I didn't feel strong in the marriage and I don't now.

Well, this is the real issue: get to a place where you feel good about yourself as an individual, regardless of your relationships to other people - do not ground your self-worth in your relationships with parents, friends, lovers...yes, those contribute, but they cannot be responsible for your self-worth or self-esteem. When you have a good relationship with yourself, you will find it easier to have a good relationship with others (and you won't give a damn what your ex-husband is up to).

[Anonymous]

Good friend is thinking about how to get out of a relationship with a rich lawyer who is divorced with three kids. She looks great and thinks he is using her to make ex jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
+1 I'm a divorced (and re-married, and yes, an "upgrade" in many ways) husband. I was the one who initiated the divorce and I was the one who wanted out, and it still left me completely spinning and hammered for a while.

What was not clear to me from the OP is: who initiated the divorce? Even if you knew it was coming for years, getting dumped always sucks, and seeing your ex appear to move on quickly to newer and better is still hard. Doesn't matter if you have kids and a marriage - getting dumped sucks. If you are the one who initiated ending it, then seeing someone move on quicker when you are the dumper is even worse!

OP here. Yes I was the one who wanted out. The relationship was very bad and unhealthy in so many ways, including for the kids; he was verbally abusive when there was any stressful issues going on, and hypercritical always (which I was not strong enough to ignore.) But I guess he was also my closest friend and I didn't cultivate my friendships outside the marriage. I am exactly as you describe, PP: "completely spinning and hammered". And desperately seeking a way out of this pain, even trying to talk to him about his new relationship because at least that would feel like we were still friends (naturally he's not talking.) I'm absolutely beside myself, despite taking anti-depressant meds. I've tried a handful of therapists but haven't found one that helps with this pain. I never thought I would feel this bad. One of the things one does when contemplating divorce is to read about preparing for divorce. I never saw the advice to cultivate friendships so you're not completely alone when it finally happens.