Reply to Why is separation/divorce so awful? I am a wreck and don't know where to turn...

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Reply to "Why is separation/divorce so awful? I am a wreck and don't know where to turn..."

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I agree that it is a horrible experience. People don't get it until they go through it. [/quote]

+1  I'm a divorced (and re-married, and yes, an "upgrade" in many ways) husband.  I was the one who initiated the divorce and I was the one who wanted out, and it still left me completely spinning and hammered for a while.

What was not clear to me from the OP is: who initiated the divorce?  Even if you knew it was coming for years, getting dumped always sucks, and seeing your ex [i]appear[/i] to move on quickly to newer and better is still hard.  Doesn't matter if you have kids and a marriage - getting dumped sucks.  If you are the one who initiated ending it, then seeing someone move on quicker [i]when you are the dumper[/i] is even worse!

It's very hard to avoid having these feelings, because we (quite sanely and reasonably) have our feelings of adequacy and self-worth tied up in the success of our relationships.  My ex-wife didn't move on, and was bitter and unhappy for a number of years.  I had a later GF who I dumped (we'd been talking about marriage) because she was abusive (stemming from mental issues).  I felt like a complete walking relationship disaster (like shit) because even though I left, I was the common denominator.  When I found out the abusive ex had moved on within weeks, to what ultimately became an [i]apparently[/i] successful relationship (marriage & kid), I felt like a real turd and it made me doubt myself again (was I the crazy one?).

But here's the thing you know deep down inside OP: nobody knows what goes on in other people's marriages/relationships.  My first marriage had been a dead farce for almost ten years, and yet people who'd known us throughout were shocked when we split up and thought we were the perfect dream couple.  I feel bad for the guy roped in by my abusive ex; I really don't know what goes on in their marriage, maybe they are just better for each other, or maybe he's quietly trapped and miserable, sticking around to protect the kid.  Honestly, I hope it's the former.

Give yourself some time, and give yourself some credit for being a good human being and a nice person...however the game looks right now, karma comes around.  [/quote]

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