Why is separation/divorce so awful? I am a wreck and don't know where to turn...
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Anonymous
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I know it is very difficult, for me.... I was regretting ending that relationship, sometimes blaming myself, sad, mad and I would see a old lady with big hopes and sometimes I do not of anybody anymore and Im ok by myself.... Now I look better I exercise practice yoga, go to church and meeting new people...and I feel more confident and sometime guy start talking and people like the new person I became more relax.... enjoying life.... It take time ..... time time ...
Best of luck I hope you can find peace.... |
Anonymous
| PSA: Don't divorce unless you are 100% certain that you will be happy even if you EX marries a younger, prettier woman and ends up in a nicer house and takes your kids on better vacations. Seriously. I know two women struggling with this right now. Sucks to be renting a crappy place and be single while your EX is in a great house and in a great relationship. |
Anonymous
But but but i thought the old saying wasnt true! That men age like wine while women age like milk!] |
Anonymous
| Been there, done that but my ex dumped me when I was pregnant. Think Tom Brady. Anyway, I'm still standing and he is still a d$*k. Time helps and so does letting your feelings come out and stay out. It takes time but after a while, you will feel better. Find a friend who will listen to you cry and bitch and moan. Then take some time to do something you have always wanted to do. |
Anonymous
| OP here, part of the trouble is I don't have such a friend. I have my sisters, all far away but I have not nurtured friendships locally while I was married. I guess that is my action plan for the future if I can stop crying and start calling. |
Anonymous
| Why are you crying? |
Anonymous
I am so sorry OP. You will be okay, even if it's hard to believe right now. You are in my thoughts. |
Anonymous
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Hi OP,
It will get better. How long have you been separated? It sounds pretty recent. The beginning was the hardest for me. Your entire life is thrown upside down and the person you're used to turning to for support and advice is no longer there for you. It sucks. I suggest finding some other separated/divorced parents. There is nothing more comforting than being around others who are going through, or have gone rough, the same thing you are. It's great to get and to give support. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. You will find that you can handle a lot more than you think you can. You will get through this just fine. Sending you positive vibes. |
Anonymous
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In a year, you'll be fine. It takes time.
I think his new relationship has a 90 percent fail rate or something like that. As for the myth of men dating up after divorce, that's wrong too. Most do not. I'm too lazy to get the stats, but I'm sure someone else here will. OP, it will be okay. The only way out is through, so keep moving forward. These are probably the most difficult days of your life. |
Anonymous
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This will be the worst time of your life . . . If that's any consolation. Try to exercise. This is for your mental health more than your physical health. Even if you just walk around the block, congratulate yourself for doing that & be kind to yourself.
This is also a time when you may feel really poor $ wise, but go buy two outfits that make you feel confident & your best self. Sending hugs & love. Signed, Been there |
Anonymous
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OP,
Start with the premise that the best revenge is to be happy, and focus on that. You're in the midst of grieving the loss of your marriage and that is completely normal. If you can swing it, find a therapist to help you work though things. Or at least pick up a book like The Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce - not the best, IMO, but a place to start. Next step is to put your life together. Take a look at the Sandcastles book, which is the gold standard on talking to kids about divorce. That will help you understand and talk to your son, and build your new family with him. (FWIW, he's grieving too, so take whatever he says with a grain of salt. Kids need both their parents, but they say hurtful things when they're hurt.) Then sit down a make a list of your hobbies and interests, and figure out how to cultivate and grow them. Find meetup and other groups that will let you meet people with shared interests. Over time, friendships will come. |
Anonymous
I know it's hard but you can't focus on what ex is doing but focus on the things that will make you happy. Being happy with who you are as a person and doing fun activities. I would join a local support group because that will be the easiest way to meet moms in your situation and have people to socialize with. Also look into physical activities that you may enjoy. I know adults my age that went to back to dance they did as a kid like adult Jazz dance classes. My hobbies, other than reading, are not really family friendly but I think one day I would like to return to that person that traveled the world and went salsa dancing. My friends that are divorced all have joint custody and would have preferred that the marriages worked out but you play the hand your are dealt in life. I see this hybrid world where 50% of the time they are 100% focused on the kids and 50% of the time they have a life outside of the kids, they can go out to happy hours after work with their friends, go to college alumni events, they can go out on dates, they can go to the movies, they can plan a girls trip for a birthday - sort of the life pre marriage and kids. You do have to be comfortable being alone in the house ...not having anyone else around. I think that was the biggest adjustment for everyone. In all seriousness if being alone in a quiet house freaks you out, I would consider getting a pet. I really think as you do more to feel happy being own your own, having hobbies, having fun, enjoying life and smiling, you will be in a place to make friends and eventually date people. There could be lots of reasons that it seems like your son prefers his dad's house (same gender and relates more, material things, more relaxed on the rules) but I do know if you are a wreck and Dad's house doesn't have that heavy emotion and unhappiness, all things being equal I think a teenager would prefer the household that doesn't put the emotional responsibility on them(I.e. You are all I have and I have no life outside of you and I'm unhappy but you can't fix it ) I believe that saying living well is the best revenge so it won't matter beyond the ego sting if ex moved on in a hot minute when you have a happier more fulfilling life than you had with the ex. Wishing you all the best luck getting there. |
Anonymous
8:28 here, I was in the midst of typing so your post was first but I said the same exact thing but not as succinctly. |
Anonymous
Well depense on your situation. I made about 100k more than my ex when I left him. I'm in the better house taking the better vacations. I have n problem meeting attractive men. Odds are that when I remarry my financial picture will be way better than him. I highly doubt he will be able to snag a 6 figure wife. Me, OTOH and surrounded by successful men..won't be an issue. |
Anonymous
Thank you for this link! Op, I'm giving you a big Internet hug. My advice is not to look at his situation and compare it to yours. Look inside yourself and find out what you want. Your son will always love you. It may be that he just needs his dad right now. It may have nothing to do with money. And your ex, whether he's with someone new or he's alone and pining away for you, it doesn't matter. It sounds like you're still conflicted about your feelings for him. Or maybe you're afraid of being alone. Be gentle with yourself, and don't make comparisons. Focus on you, your goals, your hopes for the future and make them happen. I'm in the same boat and I'm rooting for both of us. 
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