Grandchildren litter bias. Nurture or Nature...?

[Anonymous]

Aside the "litter" comment I can relate.My IL adore my SiL children ,very neutral to mine and somewhat negative to BIL.BIL was married and divorced and now his children are "that women's kids"
Sad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aside the "litter" comment I can relate.My IL adore my SiL children ,very neutral to mine and somewhat negative to BIL.BIL was married and divorced and now his children are "that women's kids"
Sad

In psychology, there is a term for this. The MIL sees her daughter's children as the "good" side of (MIL), while the son's children are the "bad" side of (MIL).

While each side is distorted, the "good" side is exceedingly overemphasized; and the "bad" side is dismissed. I suspect it stems from MIL having a poor self image, having poor self worth/sense of worthlessness and/or lack of actual self awareness, along with some anger and disappointment issues. MIL's fantasy is compartmentalized into the "good" child and the "bad" child; a reflection of how she sees herself, in the un/subconscious.

In reality, MIL (and daughter) will never be as good as she "thinks" her daughter (and his family) is, nor ever as bad as she "thinks" her son (and his family) is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aside the "litter" comment I can relate.My IL adore my SiL children ,very neutral to mine and somewhat negative to BIL.BIL was married and divorced and now his children are "that women's kids"
Sad

In psychology, there is a term for this. The MIL sees her daughter's children as the "good" side of (MIL), while the son's children are the "bad" side of (MIL).

While each side is distorted, the "good" side is exceedingly overemphasized; and the "bad" side is dismissed. I suspect it stems from MIL having a poor self image, having poor self worth/sense of worthlessness and/or lack of actual self awareness, along with some anger and disappointment issues. MIL's fantasy is compartmentalized into the "good" child and the "bad" child; a reflection of how she sees herself, in the un/subconscious.

In reality, MIL (and daughter) will never be as good as she "thinks" her daughter (and his family) is, nor ever as bad as she "thinks" her son (and his family) is.

Interesting, pp. Sounds like my mother. Do you know the paychological term for it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Timing. Your DH's parents were prime grandparent age with their first. IME, this happens between 65 and 75. They are too old for the second group. They have already invested 20 years with the other grandchildren. We had a similar issue. If your parents are engaged, that is great. My children got one set that was worn out and one set that chose to be vacation and holiday grandparents. We found local alternatives.

This happened to my family growing up. My older cousins got to enjoy my grandparents at their prime and younger ones had grandparent whose declining health made it harder to engage with us. My grandfather still really tried to dote his kids. He loved being a grandfather. My grandma completely checked out of my life after my grandfather died. It's sad but being envious will not change the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it may have more to do with the fact that the older children are her daughter's -- I see this in my family, although there are some other reasons that play into it (my sister-in-law is not the warmest person in the world and has raised 3 rude children who are also not very warm). My brother and his wife started having children about 16 years before I had my son. Their grandmother (our mother) was obviously much younger and everyone lived within a 20 minute drive and still do. She of course loves her grandchildren but there was a marked difference when my son was born a couple years ago, and my mother even admits this to me. She is now 75, and we actually live a bit further than my brother, but she is just so in love with my son. I think it has to do with me being the baby in the family, but also think it has to do with the fact that I am her daughter. I have an older sister who also has a son who's in his early 20's and she is also much closer with him than with my brother's children.

I agree that it may have something to do with the fact that the older/favored children are the daughter's. I definitely see this in my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it may have more to do with the fact that the older children are her daughter's -- I see this in my family, although there are some other reasons that play into it (my sister-in-law is not the warmest person in the world and has raised 3 rude children who are also not very warm). My brother and his wife started having children about 16 years before I had my son. Their grandmother (our mother) was obviously much younger and everyone lived within a 20 minute drive and still do. She of course loves her grandchildren but there was a marked difference when my son was born a couple years ago, and my mother even admits this to me. She is now 75, and we actually live a bit further than my brother, but she is just so in love with my son. I think it has to do with me being the baby in the family, but also think it has to do with the fact that I am her daughter. I have an older sister who also has a son who's in his early 20's and she is also much closer with him than with my brother's children.

I agree that it may have something to do with the fact that the older/favored children are the daughter's. I definitely see this in my family.

My MIL even told me once:"You will always have special relationship with your daughter"...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it may have more to do with the fact that the older children are her daughter's -- I see this in my family, although there are some other reasons that play into it (my sister-in-law is not the warmest person in the world and has raised 3 rude children who are also not very warm). My brother and his wife started having children about 16 years before I had my son. Their grandmother (our mother) was obviously much younger and everyone lived within a 20 minute drive and still do. She of course loves her grandchildren but there was a marked difference when my son was born a couple years ago, and my mother even admits this to me. She is now 75, and we actually live a bit further than my brother, but she is just so in love with my son. I think it has to do with me being the baby in the family, but also think it has to do with the fact that I am her daughter. I have an older sister who also has a son who's in his early 20's and she is also much closer with him than with my brother's children.

I agree that it may have something to do with the fact that the older/favored children are the daughter's. I definitely see this in my family.

My MIL even told me once:"You will always have special relationship with your daughter"...

And it often goes both ways. I have a relationship with my mom, rocky as it is sometimes, that I cannot replicate with MIL.

[Anonymous]

If it's so bad, then why don't you pack up and move to be closer to your husband's extended family? Oh, wait, it's not THAT important to you.

Let it go. You'll be much happier focusing on what works in your family than what doesn't work. For starters, you won't have to take your ILs to all their doctor's appointments and start doing all the maintenance around their house. That starts to be a huge drain around this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it may have more to do with the fact that the older children are her daughter's -- I see this in my family, although there are some other reasons that play into it (my sister-in-law is not the warmest person in the world and has raised 3 rude children who are also not very warm). My brother and his wife started having children about 16 years before I had my son. Their grandmother (our mother) was obviously much younger and everyone lived within a 20 minute drive and still do. She of course loves her grandchildren but there was a marked difference when my son was born a couple years ago, and my mother even admits this to me. She is now 75, and we actually live a bit further than my brother, but she is just so in love with my son. I think it has to do with me being the baby in the family, but also think it has to do with the fact that I am her daughter. I have an older sister who also has a son who's in his early 20's and she is also much closer with him than with my brother's children.

I agree that it may have something to do with the fact that the older/favored children are the daughter's. I definitely see this in my family.

My MIL even told me once:"You will always have special relationship with your daughter"...

And it often goes both ways. I have a relationship with my mom, rocky as it is sometimes, that I cannot replicate with MIL.

Yes,of course .But I think she was talking about special relationship with her daughter vs not so special with her son(my husband),hence grandchildren from sons side less special as well...

[Anonymous]

You're definitely not a vile wench. The grandparents could obviously pay more attention to your children, but they choose not to, and even though they have fairly good excuses for not seeing them in person, they could still Skype/talk on the phone/send letters or postcards, etc. So they suck.

On the other hand, you can't change them. That's just how they are. So let go of your anger and just accept that these grandparents are crap and find some other "grandparents" (if you want them) in your children's lives, either at church or what-have-you. Lots of nice older people would love to shower your kids with affection.

[Anonymous]

I can't even imagine feeling like this when I'm a grandmother -- I mean showing such blatant favoritism to the children of one child over another's. My parents are pretty even-handed in their dealings. I guess I'm lucky that my parents aren't "tired" yet -- even though they're in their 70s, they still work out regularly, lifting weights and swimming laps. They are actually in better shape than I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's so bad, then why don't you pack up and move to be closer to your husband's extended family? Oh, wait, it's not THAT important to you.

Let it go. You'll be much happier focusing on what works in your family than what doesn't work. For starters, you won't have to take your ILs to all their doctor's appointments and start doing all the maintenance around their house. That starts to be a huge drain around this age.

Unless the sister dies and then you get to do all the support without having received the support from them earlier. That's what happened in DH's family.

[Anonymous]

OK "litter" didn't bother me all that much. Whatever.

The grandparents are older. They were able to do more with their first set of grandkids that they won't be able to with you. I learned that visiting my mom's relatives in WVA about 5 hours away, my DDs simply won't be able to do as much with them as I remember doing because, well, 30 years. You'll have to accept that, OP.

On the other hand, if Grandma can't even be arsed to come on the phone for 5 minutes because she was on hold with the cable company earlier in the day, something is wrong. That's kinda rude. I assume you're not expecting Skype conversations every night for 30 minutes or something ridiculous like that.

How was your relationship with them BEFORE kids?

[Anonymous]

Look in the mirror, OP. to see if you can see your reflection. Or , maybe shoul throw water on you. You a te absolutely dreadful. I bet that you have no friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, I agree with the other posters that your use of the word "litter" is really offputting.
Second, this is one of those situations where it is understandable to some degree that you feel upset that your kids are not getting as much love and affection as your nieces and nephews. But rationally, the reason is that the grandparents are older, stressed, and probably don't have as much patience for little kids as they used to. It is nothing personal about your kids vs. theirs.

+1 toddlers and young children are a bit loud, wild and unpredictable, adorably so, but older people who are used to a quiet, controlled environment can have a hard time adjusting to this. When my own parents retired and were home together in their predictable routines, they sometimes became a bit irritable with my kids who were just doing normal kid stuff -- noise that I was accustomed to and barely noticed would cause them to flinch or grimace. They were more comfortable with a structured activity or outing than just having my kids bouncing around their house. It got better as my kuds got older and more self-contained, but I will say that I have noticed big changes inky parents as they've aged in terms of energy level and ability to tolerate unpredictability and chaos (which kids bring). It makes total sense that your IL's are different grandparents to your children 20 years later, especially considering your FIL's poor health and the stress and difficulty that brings - try to put yourself in their shoes.

I understand your disappointment, but getting old and ill is very hard. Your IL's have reached the stage of life where the roles reverse and you are likely going to take on more of a caretaking/parental role with them rather than the other way around. It is what it is, you need to make peace with it and do what you can to foster a rekationship without the resentment.