Grandchildren litter bias. Nurture or Nature...?

[Anonymous]

Using the term litter to describe your nephews reveals a lot about you.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for the timing. I think you just need to accept the fact that your kids will have a different type of relationship with the grandparents.

It can be hard for you to watch, since you lived through the earlier grandchildren and saw how much easier it was for younger, healthier people to engage with their grandkids, but try not to let this knowledge taint the good (but different) relationship your kids CAN have with grandparents. They only have their own experience, so try to not constantly compare.

It's interesting that you bring this up, because I think there is going to be a similar dynamic in my family, only I'm on the other side. There is a 10 year gap between my kids (twins) and the next grandchild. Both my parents and my ILs were 55-57 when my kids were born, and now with this newest grandkid, they are 65-67. Think about that difference in age. We are lucky that all four grandparents are still relatively healthy, but they are still older and have less energy. I have no doubt that the love they feel for this newest grandkid is just as great as the love they have for my two, but I also have no doubt it will be a different relationship.

My ILs took my kids to Disney World 3 years ago. Just grandparents and kids--DH and I stayed home. This newest grandkid won't be old enough to have a meaningful trip to Disney World for at least another 4 years, minimum. When this kid is old enough to go to Disney World, my ILs will be 70-71, and they will be on a fixed income (FIL was still working until retirement this year.)

So, it seems entirely probable that there is not going to be a grandparent trip to Disney World in store for this newest grandchild.
I can see someone posting on DCUM now. "Grandparents only took 2 grandkids to Disney World, nothing for other grandkids!" Outrage! But when you pull back and look at the whole picture, you see it not that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Using the term litter to describe your nephews reveals a lot about you.

Litter is accurate if the mother is a bitch.

[Anonymous]

So I have this in my family. I am 11 and 9years older than 'u my younger siblings. We have a different relationship with our grandparents. They were around a lot more because we lived closer and my mom used them a lot more for babysitting. My grandparents were also younger and more active, and we went up to stay the summer. My younger siblings didn't feel they had the same relationship because we didn't see them as much. That isn't litter bias, that's circumstances. Even now, the two older siblings are heading down for vacation (in our mid-30s) that includes a grandparent visit where the younger siblings don't feel the same connection. That isn't litter bias, just circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP. There is a 7 year age gap between my sister and I and my older brother and I had a much closer relationship with my grandparents than little sister did. I see it now with my own kids - so far the only grandchildren. My parents are 65, in good shape, really into being grandparents, etc. My kids are 5 and 3 and spend a ton of time with them. I can see how when my siblings have kids, in maybe 3-5 years, my then 70 year old parents will not have the same energy to babysit, take the kids, etc. They definitely don't prefer me - in fact, they probably prefer my sister - but I had kids first and they love their grandchildren!

[Anonymous]

Everyone's talking sense here, OP. Good perspective. You don't know what it's like to get older, and how heartbreaking it is to lose energy and youth and health. If you think they don't miss being able to do more with your kids, you're wrong. Try and have some compassion.

Also, remember that 20 years headstart on bonding with the older kids is a big deal.

Just try and put it aside, stop being so bitchy about it, and YOU make a good-natured effort to give your kids every chance to bond with their grandparents. It will be meaningful to the entire family, even if it's not the ideal you'd hoped for.

[Anonymous]

You're pretty heartless, OP. Your ILs have been declining since your kids have been born by your own admission. They are stressed and unhappy by your own admission. You hold them responsible for not being comfortable with technology. You live almost twice as far away as the other set. You are the reason DILs have a bad name.

as for your language, it really is strange. not just REPEATED use of "litter" (maybe it is funny once, but it seems it's really how you think...wtf?), but you say the grandparents are "excruciatingly" close and "vomit-inducingly affectionate"? What is really going on here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're pretty heartless, OP. Your ILs have been declining since your kids have been born by your own admission. They are stressed and unhappy by your own admission. You hold them responsible for not being comfortable with technology. You live almost twice as far away as the other set. You are the reason DILs have a bad name.

as for your language, it really is strange. not just REPEATED use of "litter" (maybe it is funny once, but it seems it's really how you think...wtf?), but you say the grandparents are "excruciatingly" close and "vomit-inducingly affectionate"? What is really going on here?

I noticed this too. The situation sounds very difficult and hurtful for OP but the language and vehemence used make me wonder if OP is young.

[Anonymous]

Are you a second wife or something, OP? Are you really young?

[Anonymous]

Op, you have way too high expectation for the old couple who are going through some health issues. Just because they invested themselves long time ago into raising and bonding their grandchildren, does not mean they are able to do it later (weather it is your kids, or SIL newborn). Its just biology. Accept it, continue to love them and care for them as much as you can from the distance (they probably not going be here forever). It will build some relationship that in the end of hte day will benefit your sons.

[Anonymous]

OP doesn't seem young but plain old resentful. She and DH waited to have kids and now she expects the grandparents to have the same relationship that they started with the other grandkids 20 years ago.

Ain't gonna happen. Grandparents are older, tired. It's not their fault they don't feel as close to a 2 year old as their 22 year old grandson. And my guess is that they like their own daughters more than OP, go figure.

[Anonymous]

OP, PPs are giving you good reasons/advice.

I'll also add that a 5-hr drive is MUCH easier than a 9-hr drive. I can make a 5-hr drive any weekend (my parents live 5 hrs away and we make that trip often so the kids can see grandma and grandpa). A 9-hr drive takes a lot more planning since the drive takes essentially the entire day. That drive is a bear if you're young and healthy. If you're old and in pain, or have failing eyesight or health, you are not going to be able to make that drive. And a plane ride is tough for those on fixed incomes.

Despite this, my siblings live in my parents' hometown and therefore get free care and their kids get more presents/treats/time with my parents. They get more "treats" and time with grandma, but I don't really want to move back to my hometown, so there you have it.

We are a 24-hr trip away from the other set of grandparents so of course they aren't as close to my kids as they are to the cousins who live in the same country as them. They see my kids once a year. We are the ones who reach out for face time/Skype and call on birthdays.

This doesn't bother me -- I'm sort of wondering whether you could work on your feelings instead of being hurt by something you can't change (your in-laws' ages, the distance, the fact they have known your nephews for almost two decades longer, etc). It is what it is. Acceptance of the things you can't change -- and not keeping score -- are key to enjoying life as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

It sucks, but it is most likely the circumstances - health and age and distance. 9 hours or a flight is a much higher barrier than a 5-6 hour drive.

Be thankful they at least treat both your kids the same. Growing up with your sibling being the clearly preferred grandchild is much worse, especially when it's due entirely to something out of your control, as in your sibling is a boy and boys are preferred.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using the term litter to describe your nephews reveals a lot about you.

Litter is accurate if the mother is a bitch.

Litter is in OP's vocabulary. She is that kind of a person, and thinks that everyone is like her. OP, the correct word for your nephews is "children". Use litter for your kids because it describes you to a T.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn't seem young but plain old resentful. She and DH waited to have kids and now she expects the grandparents to have the same relationship that they started with the other grandkids 20 years ago.

Ain't gonna happen. Grandparents are older, tired. It's not their fault they don't feel as close to a 2 year old as their 22 year old grandson. And my guess is that they like their own daughters more than OP, go figure.

I've been thinking about this and how different the sets of grandchildren must feel to OP's ILs. My parents are still young and being with my daughter, the first grandkid, makes them feel younger. They have no trouble envisioning themselves at events like graduations, my dad has even said his goal is to dance at her wedding. That's what these older grandkids were to OP's ILs. OPs kids, though, coming as their own health starts failing, just remind them of how much of their lives they'll miss. They know for sure the older kids will remember them--no such guarantee that OP's kids will, even if they did have the energy or resources to throw themselves into the grandparent thing like OP wants them to do. That can't be easy to face.